Is DH too high-maintenance?

[anonymousother]

I have no idea if IABU given the wider scheme of things.

Basically, DH is an extreme workaholic and I had to accept long ago that there's very little I can do about this because he becomes highly defensive and I feel out of my depth. He runs his own companies and has no concept of any division between work and family time, but again, this has become normal to me. Also I appreciate it facilitates our lifestyle, so can't really complain.

We have DS1 (12), DD1 (11) and DD2 (9).

My main AIBU is about DH's "moods" which can be quite volatile and very much influenced by frustrations at work, etc. At times, it seems like his mood fluctuates in line with the FT Index, it really does! So because he is so highly strung, I feel like I can't criticise him at all really. He doesn't take critcism well at all, unless I'm really careful. I also have had to compensate for his stress levels at home because I'm aware of the impact it could have on the DC. So basically, I do my best to keep him on an even-keel.

I tend to give him info about the DC on a "need to know basis" and choose a time when he is likely to be receptive. In contrast, he will almost daily want to offload about work to me and will expect me to drop everything at any given moment and give him my full attention for the duration. He gets annoyed, for instance, if he feels I'm not looking at him, even if I'm obviously in the middle of doing something else.

When he's stressed he tends to "nit -pick" about ridiculous things and it wears me down. For instance, yesterday he went on an 8 hour bike ride (one of his many hobbies) and as as he was on his way out he said to me, "There is dust in the top of that door frame" . Or this morning, DD1 was close to tears about going to school because her friend is being mean to her and it was the general bustle of trying to get 3 DC out the door - meanwhile, from him, it's "Where did you put xx shirt" (when it's in the wardrobe in front of his eyes) and "Did you not have time to do the windows?" and other pointless questions which feel like digs and could just wait.

I should add that the house is NOT dirty or a mess. I have a cleaner twice a week and I clean / tidy up in between. I never ask him to take any house related stuff on, but when he's in one of his moods he will find the one thing I forgot to do.

In contrast, I know DH would do anything for me. He's very kind and extremely generous, very affectionate, always tells me he loves me and so on. All my friends think he's fantastic.

AIBU because, on balance, I'm very fortunate. Should I continue to let a lot of things go over my head or should I start to challenge him more?

TENSHI do you have direct experience of narcissism?
They will suck the life out of you, not quite like having a muslim husband as I imagine there are lots of very reasonnable and caring muslim husbands out there!

Yes you are right Eat, and the majority of muslim husbands are reasonable and caring just as their wives are.

I am talking about alternative method of coping if unwilling to change the staus quo.

What you need first is counselling for yourself.
There is a lot that you are able to articulate but also a lot that you cant really articulate, incl why some of his behaviour is an issue.
There is no way you can ask your dh to 'change' if you cant pinpoint what it is that you would like to see changing and what is you can change for yourself too.

For example, atm, your life is your dcs. When they will leave, what will be left for you? will your marriage survive that if the dcs are the only thing that glue you together with your dh?

Im also getting the feeling that you are going at different speeds. You take life slower, at the dcs speed and that is working for you. He is constantly on the go and thrives on it and when he is home, he is taking that speed with him.
What you are describing about always being in the go and doing things etc is how my dh is. As a result, he is out of the house everyday during the weekend and he is often (usually now) taking the children with him. That's how he is wired and dc2 is exactly the same. I would go as far as saying that not being in movement, exercising etc... would be detrimental to their health (both dh and dc2).
The balance is hard to find between that and my pace (very slow due to ME).
My point is, be careful about comparing the way you and your dh are living your lives and what everyone else is doing.
It needs to be what works for you as a family with your different needs.

Lastly, you are mentioning he proposed again and told you he knows how much you are doing for him. I would take that as the fact he would be open if you were asking to do xx because it would feel right for you, instead of doing things because they are right for him.

I would also be very careful about all the comments about narcicism etc...
This is certainly not something that can be diagnosed over the internet after a few posts....

Thankyou everyone.
I really don't know if he's a narcissist or just insecure.
His father was Muslim and his mother did convert to that though they were fairly nominal about the whole thing. DH is quite anti-religion. I'm not anti religion, but I just take the parts that are common sense and for me it's more about personal spirituality than any kind of dogma.

I can't believe people I don't know can be so perceptive. I'm always aware that people have far greater problems than me - I just want to say that! I'm really grateful for those who have stressed that people can change. I think he can, but I've been scared of having to deal with the fallout.

You're OK op. You're doing a great job.

Keep posting, keep getting support here

You say you love your DH and I can totally understand you wanting to change things without taking such a drastic step such as leaving him. You acknowledge that you and the children walk on eggshells around him, pretty much pandering to his every whim, which is frankly not good for you or your children.

If you want things to change, you have to decide whether you do that by making many tiny changes which is going to be a long haul or you go for the big conversation, where you lay all your cards on the table and tell him exactly how it is. Which do you think would be most likely to give you all the best outcome, OP?

I would echo a previous poster ( and I'm well positioned to make this point as a mental health clinician ) ... please be mindful about what you take on board from other posters calling your DH a narcissist.

While many people can have narcissistic traits Narcissistic Personality Disorder is diagnosed only by psychiatrists.

So saying your DH is a narcissist is fairly meaningless and is something that is bandied about all too frequently on Mumsnet. It's also not particularly helpful to you OP ...

I don't think we need to assume that everyone who refers to the concept of narcissism must necessarily be making a claim about a person suffering from Narcissistic Personality Disorder. The concept did not cease to exist in its own right just because someone thought it was an apt description to use for a mental disorder.

If he's working long hours and you stay at home, it's reasonable for him to expect you to keep up with the housework. If he's a type A personality at work, he might also expect you to do your job properly. If I had the luxury of a cleaner 2-3 times a week & I was a sahm there wouldn't be any dust in the house or household jobs doing - I work full time and keep a dust free house!

Where he is being unreasonable is his demands of your attention. Seems very controlling there.

Being a wife is not a 'job' though, Astoria - a job has terms and conditions attached, usually breaks and holidays, sick pay as well as complaints procedures etc. It is formally regulated. If anonymousother has all these things, with a contract, it is a job. But she is not her husband's employee, and even if her sphere of responsibility is the domestic sphere, it would then be up to her how to manage it.

So, there is a child having a homework related crisis, shopping needs done, plus laundry, plus remembering birthday cards and presents, plus maybe OP has a headache and her DH has had a volatile outburst, only she can judge in her list of priorities where dusting should fall, or being worried about dust, on any given day.

I work full-time as a single parent, and some days there is dust, some days there is not, somedays the house looks like a tornado ripped through. The world still turns. Every day DC are looked after, loved and secure and know it is home. The only reason someone points out dust is in a petty point scoring way. Unless it is 'can you make sure and remind [cleaner] to dust the door frames too?'.

The demands on how anonymous manages the household are on the same spectrum as the demands on he be the focus of attention.

I may be projecting but I have been on the end of stuff has not been cleaned properly, whilst juggling various demands my xH had no idea of or never tried, and it's neither kind nor reasonable.

Be mindful of the future and what your relationship will become once the DCs are grown up. What will your role be then? Does he have plans to retire at a certain point? Have you plans together for the future, like travel, hobbies etc. Perhaps you could start planning or ask if he has a goal or a plan where he will reach a certain level and then wind down a bit.

Thankyou so much for all the helpful comments.

I did try and talk to him last night, though in a way that was more about me than him. What triggered it was that I was trying to tell him something (he was on the laptop, I was loafing the dishwasher, I think) and he said something that he often says which was, "could you just tell me the conclusion to this first so I know where you're going with it". I got really upset because I had just sat and listened to him offload some complicated work scenario that tbh, I have no idea what he's on about and no solution, but at least I have the decency to listen and look interested. Quite often, if I try and tell him something that someone said to me in the day and it goes on for more than 2 minutes, he calls it one of my "He said, she said stories," and wants to know the conclusion and that's it.

I said to him that I feel really shut down by this. I'm not one of his employees and do not need to deliver information in the form of bullet points. The whole point for me, is what and how it happened, not the outcome. I don't want him to give me solutions, just to listen and that's it.

Anyway he did apologise and he came over and was hugging me, but then I found myself saying, "Do you ever wonder what model we're setting for the children?" So he just looked baffled and I said, "because we've got quite split roles". He basically said of course we've got split roles and what do I mean? What matters is that we love the kids and they are happy. He said I'm great mum and what matters more than that? Then he was saying how much they all love me and why was I upset . Its hard to push things further with him when he's being like that and he tend to start kissing me or something. It's hard to explain.

Anyway, the kids were around so it just got left. We are going out tonight. He says we can talk more then. I have no idea where we're going though.

Cocoaleaves - OP is being 100 per cent financially supported to stay at home. And they seem to be really well off too. She's not like us. To get rid of the dust all she needs to do is call the cleaner in an extra day. I do think when you agree to this kind of arrangement it does come with conditions - the condition here is that she manages the house so husband doesn't need to. So you can't then complain just because it gets hard every once in a while.

Good luck tonight Op. Try to explain to him, and hopefully he'll take some of it on board. You made a good start last night.

Astoria- I do take your point. I'm really not complaining about housework though. It's more a relationship issue.

There are so many SAHM threads on here, but all I can say is that whatever you're doing in life, you tend to fill your time. There are many paid jobs where people spend periods doing not a lot. Jobs vary, as do people's home situations so there is little point in comparisons.

Thanks dowhatnow!

It does not matter how other relationships work there are many different ways. What matters is whether someone is happy with the way theirs is. Are you happy, no condition should overrule that

Astoria- I do take your point.

Please don't. Your husband would be reasonable to complain if he arrived home in the evening to find the breakfast dishes hanging around. This dust-on-a-doorframe compliant is weird.

He would still be unreasonable if they were his breakfast dishes.

I hope you can have a proper conversation tonight where he actually listens to you and not brush you off by telling you what a great mum you are and asking for affection.

Its hard to push things further with him when he's being like that and he tend to start kissing me or something. It's hard to explain.

You and I are clearly very different because this would give me the RAGE and I certainly wouldn't be kissing him. To me, this would not seem affectionate, but a dismissal of my feelings and an unwelcome intrusion on my physical being at a time when I wanted to know I was being HEARD, not just "a great Mum" because a fucking shedload of stuff matters alongside being a Mum - "a great Mum" is not the sum total of who you are, surely? Or "a great wife" who can be kissed to shut up?

But I am a bit ragey at the moment anyway, so what do I know.
Hope your talk goes well OP.

The one thing that stands out is he wants you to listen to him no matter what he says even if it's boring. But he doesn't want to afford you the same courtesy. What you're saying to him isn't interesting so he's not listening anymore. My dh is in finance and I make a point to ask about his day and enquiry when what he's saying doesn't interest me in the slightest and he'll listen to me talk (tho does look at his phone a lot which I find very insulting). I'm sure my day isn't massively interesting but you're partners. That alone would upset me.

Wow, he quite literally smothers your opinion with hugs and kisses doesn't he. They have no more meaning in that context than if he'd held his hand over your mouth to shut you up.

He shuts you up with compliments and snogging ?!? Wow! He's a class manipulator
Remember He has far far more to lose in divorce than you, remember your worth , personally I'd open the conversation with telling him you are considering leaving him, this needs to come out early so you have his attention
Then have a counselling session booked that you suggest he comes to if he'd like to to save your marriage
You defo need a marriage guidance professional to stear him from "managing you" to a mutually respectful partnership this is clearly (with respect) not something you are doing my yourself successfully
I'd also hire a house keeper/ cleaner / nanny and get a job or hobbie that takes up 8 hours of your day
Please tells us how it went best of luck !!!! Xxx

I am becoming aware that he uses affection to "move things on", but also its because he can't handle it too well if I'm upset. He always wants to know what he can do to sort things out for me. But then it's just all about him again in a way.
It's hard to argue with him because he is very respectful and kind towards me in other ways and it's difficult for me to separate things out in my head, if that makes sense. From now on I will have to just tell him to stop all this and listen. In the rest of life, I wouldn't say I'm aggressive but I can be assertive if need be. Thankyou again.