OP I've dipped in and out of your thread since the start. Not had a chance to post before, and haven't read the full 20 pages.
Agree with PPosters, though, that counselling for you, to work out who you are and what you want now seems the best place to start.
I also wanted to suggest that you start to reflect a bit more critically (or maybe better, analytically) about the roles you and your husband have fallen into.
This may also be a 'safer' route into discussions with him, too.
It sounds like you've fallen into very gender roles on the surface. And on your side, as you have a lot of material trappings, you've assumed this must be great. But you're starting to wonder. Is jewellery or a glitzy night out all there is? Is that a replacement, or better than your DH taking a real and respectful interest in you? Those are questions for you.
My DH also works in finance. He's not as successful as your DH by the sound of it, but also gets pulled in by the hours and demands of that world. However, I have always taken, and encourage him to take a critical / analytical view of that world.
The trouble is finance seeks out / attracts a certain personality type: high achieving but fundamentally controlling / insecure. Your DH sounds like this. Mine can be too. That world has worked out how to play these characters to get the most out of them: the pay structure, the working environment, the internal sector perception all sucks them in. So you're paid well, but you're always chasing that discretionary, elusive bonus. How they are awarded is completely opaque. You believe others do better, if only you work harder you will too. Those just above you appear to be doing immeasurably better. Although you're well paid, you dream of being better paid. Office politics are hideous, bitchy, back stabbing, deceitful. Everyone has been fired at last once and fears it (despite the pay off).
Work comes before everything, only losers take family time / leave the blackberry behind, don't answer work emails.
I've always thought if you calculated hourly rate city pay scales wouldn't looks that good. As a group, they've somehow got sucked into giving up every aspect of personal or private time in return for more money. You could restructure, double the work force, half the pay, stop everyone working evenings / weekends / holidays / through the night and people overall would be much happier.
The trouble is they all believe this is the pinnacle of their achievement. That they are a global elite, that it doesn't get any better. And then you start building a life on that: that statement house, the wife, the kids, the private schools. It's an expensive way to live, so you feel you HAVE to stay in to fund it. Fundamentally and deep down, you don't believe your wife or kids would love you if you left. You tnkg your a synonymous with what you can bring in, just like you are at work.
It's a horrible horrible ,world op, it really is. I think it is the dark beating bullshit mirage heart of the patriarchy.
This doesn't excuse your DHs behaviour but it is part of the answer. These men are told they've achieved the pinnacle of modern masculinity by doing what they do.
At least at first, it's not easy for them to see through that myth. And he's brought your into that myth with the trappings he assumes you want.
It's the myth of capitalism is that is sold to us all the time. You are living a real life version of it.
But In the end it isn't very fulfilling. And as you are asking, where does it end? When has he earned enough? When is the house big enough, the diamond bright enough? It sounds like he's so caught up in the striving striving for the next deal, payout, bonus that he's never (dared?) to stop and reflect on all this.
Have your read the Top Five Regrets of the Dying? If not, suggest you google it. Check out number 2. What, in the end really matters to you? To your DH?
Having said that, my guess I'd your DH feels the burden and pressure of being the sole earner, even as he enjoys it. Think many solo WOH parents do, but this can be underplayed on mumsnet as they are often men. I'm not saying you should get a job. But rather your DH sounds like he's under a lot of pressure and that he doesn't even realise how he creates most of that himself.
My guess is when you start to question things, he may well panic, at least at first. And freak it for fear you are about to tear down all he has achieved / seek to screw him in the divorce (big fear among city men).
I know my DH can, and we've had a different dynamic, where I have encouraged him to see though the bullshit of the finance world, from the start.
I've also influenced out life choices to dial down the pressure: I resisted buying the big statement dream house, for example, which would drive him to work like a nutter to pay for it. I also work in a well paid role in a different industry. So although I earn less than DH it's about a 3:2 ratio. And I have better working conditions, less cut throat behaviour. So I constantly hold up to DH that these things are shitty and unacceptable, rather than standard and the way of the world.
He's in a slightly better environment now but is starting to worry he's stuck in a rut etc. I encourage him to think again: come home earlier if he's bored, to spend more time with our children while they are young. Take all his holiday and don't then spend half of it working.
When I went back to work after Dc1 DH took a days holiday once a week for six months to care for her, so she was only in child care three days a week. He said airily he'd do something like that, but I had to really be firm to make it happen. He freaked out about clearing it with his boss etc. I was asking him to not just challenge but to live against the gender stereotype and it was very hard for him as a naturally conformer. But he did it for me and it as brilliant for us as a family.
Things can change, but it won't happen overnight.