Is DH too high-maintenance?

[anonymousother]

I have no idea if IABU given the wider scheme of things.

Basically, DH is an extreme workaholic and I had to accept long ago that there's very little I can do about this because he becomes highly defensive and I feel out of my depth. He runs his own companies and has no concept of any division between work and family time, but again, this has become normal to me. Also I appreciate it facilitates our lifestyle, so can't really complain.

We have DS1 (12), DD1 (11) and DD2 (9).

My main AIBU is about DH's "moods" which can be quite volatile and very much influenced by frustrations at work, etc. At times, it seems like his mood fluctuates in line with the FT Index, it really does! So because he is so highly strung, I feel like I can't criticise him at all really. He doesn't take critcism well at all, unless I'm really careful. I also have had to compensate for his stress levels at home because I'm aware of the impact it could have on the DC. So basically, I do my best to keep him on an even-keel.

I tend to give him info about the DC on a "need to know basis" and choose a time when he is likely to be receptive. In contrast, he will almost daily want to offload about work to me and will expect me to drop everything at any given moment and give him my full attention for the duration. He gets annoyed, for instance, if he feels I'm not looking at him, even if I'm obviously in the middle of doing something else.

When he's stressed he tends to "nit -pick" about ridiculous things and it wears me down. For instance, yesterday he went on an 8 hour bike ride (one of his many hobbies) and as as he was on his way out he said to me, "There is dust in the top of that door frame" . Or this morning, DD1 was close to tears about going to school because her friend is being mean to her and it was the general bustle of trying to get 3 DC out the door - meanwhile, from him, it's "Where did you put xx shirt" (when it's in the wardrobe in front of his eyes) and "Did you not have time to do the windows?" and other pointless questions which feel like digs and could just wait.

I should add that the house is NOT dirty or a mess. I have a cleaner twice a week and I clean / tidy up in between. I never ask him to take any house related stuff on, but when he's in one of his moods he will find the one thing I forgot to do.

In contrast, I know DH would do anything for me. He's very kind and extremely generous, very affectionate, always tells me he loves me and so on. All my friends think he's fantastic.

AIBU because, on balance, I'm very fortunate. Should I continue to let a lot of things go over my head or should I start to challenge him more?

The thing that strikes me anonymous from what you say is that you know you had an independent life with global experiences before you met your DH, but he has not ever seen you living that life. You met him, travelled with him, had his babies, did the 100% wife thing, and that is how he knows you. I mean, if you met and pretty much went to NYC with him, he has never had to reassess his life and priorities for the relationship and family, whereas your life changed immeasurably.

Small question- you said you were going out and maybe to the theatre, how did you not know whether you were going to the theatre or not? Just because you weren't sure about tickets or something? Or because he decides, you follow?

I don't have anything to add to the good advice on here. Small steps to finding yourself again. (And thanks for what you do running the house and sorting his kit and coffee in bed should be the norm, or at least regular enough not to be a feature).

I just can't help wondering is there any love there, on either side, tbh.
It really does sound as if he treats you as an employee. I did link a very similar thread for you earlier on here, I don't know if you had a look at it. I think it would be useful.

Cocoa, I wondered that too
Op I was confused as earlier you said something like "he will text if he's taking me to a restaurant I like" or something similar.

I might have misunderstood this but it reads like he texts to say "tonight we are doing this". To me there should be a process of asking your partner "would you like to go to xyz tonight". It sounds as though he tells you where you are going?

But tbh the dust on the door frame sums it up for me. This seems a very particular type of relationship. I get that it works for some people but you certainly need to review if it works for you.

Parker - I would agree with your DH that it's extremely rude. That's just one example of how he can. be when he's in work mode. It's very high-handed and alienating. Even DH accepts this.

Rachael - sorry the thread was moving very fast the other day, but tbh, I have many friends who could have started a thread with that kind of scenario or much worse. Maybe I need to meet a wider range of people?!

Cocoa and Alice - it's not the case that I get summoned into town. If he says he's booked something for us it will be something for me. Sometimes I'll know what it is, but other times not. I love all kinds of theatre, dance, art etc. When I met him he knew nothing about this, but he's made a real effort over the years. This is how he is attentive. He books things he knows I would like and then he'll really try and show an interest, ask me to "educate" him on what he should be looking for. He makes a real effort and he listens.
We're very different people, but he just "gets" me for the most part. We have the same views about politics and most things. I know it's not all about gifts, but when he buys me clothes or lingerie or even shoes, it's exactly what I would have chosen for myself and it will fit. Even small things, like if I say the coffee is good In a certain place, he'll come home with a bag of it so I can make it myself. So although he's very high maintenance in lots of ways, he's very thoughtful and giving and he makes me feel loved and valued in his own way.

He has gone off on the bike this morning already, but did ask me what my plans were and we'll go for dinner when he's back later.

I feel calmer today. Thankyou again.

It had many parallels so I thought it might be useful in terms of advice.
Wishing you all the best.

He does seem rude in the way he talks to you. On the other hand, I'm not sure what you are really contributing to the relationship either. You don't work, your kids are in school, and you still need a cleaner twice a week? If I was him, I would be expecting very high standards of housekeeping, as you don't have anything else to do and I don't think its wrong to expect you to make some sort of contribution. If your kids are in school and you can't either work or keep the house clean without a cleaner, you sound like a bit of a snowflake. I can see why being married to you would be frustrating - if you were a man, you would have been called a cocklodger by now.

Do you challenge him when he is rude? If anyone tried that behavior on me there would be a huge row! I would worry that your DC's are growing up seeing that type of behavior as acceptable and that the woman is second rate in the relationship.

harsh - I think that your post is probably deliberately goady, and so best ignored, but I was just about to post anyway to say that it would be a good idea to get a job.

The fact that it may not bring in very much financially doesn't mean it's not worth doing.

1. It would improve your sense of self-worth and maybe help you to discover yourself.
2. It may encourage him to listen to you a bit more - people like that always have more regard for others who have a career.
3. It will help give a more balanced example of a relationship to your dcs.
4. It will help to restructure your lives - he will HAVE to step up more when you tell him that you are out next Friday night for a work do.
5. It will give you something to do when you finally brain him with that frying pan and storm off out of the marriage.

Harsh - I'm aware of how a lot of people would view my lifestyle, of course I am, but I can't do a lot about that. Maybe they have husbands who do housework and work regular or more normal hours? Maybe they have family help? Maybe they have fewer kids? People adapt to their own circumstances.

Parker - The thread has helped me see that I need to make changes. I don't think DH sees women as second class though.

I do hope you manage to make some changes but I'm not sure it will happen as your DH won't see there is any need or benefit. You seem to consider him a good father and husband but in my book he fails hugely in both. He doesn't seem to be a part of the family and takes no responsibility for it.

I don't think DH sees women as second class though.

Why does it appear he has higher expectations of your DS and pushes him, but indulges your DD's?

How do you feel about your DH being away a lot and in making it up to you by taking you out so often to the theatre etc he's spending even less time with your DC? I hope you are all going out for a family dinner today?

Btw I think he does love you all in his own way. It's just dysfunctional but normalised to you as you mix in similar circles. My DH is lovely and buys me well thought out presents and brings me tea in bed etc but I can also chitter chatter away at him about nothing!

Does he give his children his time ?

He books things he knows I would like and then he'll really try and show an interest, ask me to "educate" him on what he should be looking for. He makes a real effort and he listens.

Hmm. Something about this sentence puts me in mind of an old boss I used to have. He was keenly interested in the expertise and specialisms of his staff, and would listen intently.
He wanted to be educated in things he didn't know much about.
His staff were very handy to plug the gaps in his knowledge, which he wanted because he was a pretty high flyer, and went to all sorts of events with very accomplished people, so knowing about, say Opera, or art was useful, and perpetuated the image of renaissance man he wanted to convey.

Yes, I'm sure your husband does want you to have the things you like, but I also think that his attentiveness also serves his own needs very well. I would ask yourself if there is anything at all he does that serves only your needs, and not his as well.
I agree about finding a job. Perhaps in arts fundraising, given your background? I really think you need to build your own life.

It still sounds all very patronising and artificial and all for showing off. Where is the spontaneity, silliness etc. You and the children are like ornaments, I don't know, just very odd. There doesn't seem much warmt, just so calculated.

Parker - There is not just one way to be a good dad. I know many families where both parents work crazy hours and travel and the DC are basically brought up by nannies from day one. This happens a lot. I would not want that for my DC, but not my business to judge. I have SAHM friends with live in housekeepers and /or all the DC at boarding school.
Similarly, I'm sure there are dads who are home at 5om every day but just sit and watch TV or something.

Tempus - he definitely wants the girls to do well at school, I don't doubt that. DS is quite mature for his age. He is almost 13, 6ft and changing fast. I think DH does give him a harder time, but it could also be an eldest thing, plus they have the sports thing in common. DS is interested in property and helps DH in this area quite often. DH is conscious he's growing up and this is why they're going trekking. We are going on a family holiday too though.

When he's here he won't let them sit on I - pads or whatever. He will play monopoly with them or something like that instead. If he's in another time zone he has an alert on his phone and he always calls to say goodnight. DS is not bothered too much about him being away, but I admit the girls do tell him they miss him and it is difficult sometimes.

What about him going out with you whilst the DC are presumably left behind, how do you feel about that? Can your DC talk to him on their terms or does he ask them for a precis like he does with you? Do they ever get to spend time with him not on his terms e.g. watching a kids movie together that he has to sit through bored as hell rather than playing monopoly?

When he is here he won't let them sit in ipads etc, why not? He is again dictating full attention. What would happen if dc say that they would rather watch youtube than playing a board game and opt out of enforced family time? Being a good father means listening to them, talking to them and finding out things about them beyond a need to know basis. It also means not having them walking on egg shells.

Well I guess he just feels he should do stuff with them. If they wanted to go to the cinema he would take them. I do tell him though that sometimes children just need to switch off. They are very busy in the week and school is full on.

OP things like buying the coffee you like are just givens in a good relationship.

It still sounds like he books stuff without asking you, which strikes me as odd because you may not feel summoned but I would have thought you'd need to consult on dates etc? Also how could he know you weren't already going - I know a lot of people have shared calendars etc but I always want to be asked because I might have just been about to put something in that I've booked with a friend etc.

Can I ask you one more time, how do you feel about your DH taking you out to the theatre, dinner etc when your DC already get so little time with their dad? Unless I misread it and when you went out to the ballet or whatever it was the other night, and when you go out for dinner today, it will be as a family?

Sorry I had misunderstood. The ballet was Fri night. We'll go to dinner as a family later.

Alice - to be perfectly honest and as I explained earlier in the thread, I very rarely go out in the evenings unless its either him because I feel like there's too much to do and it's too much hassle getting a babysitter. I have no family around and nor does he. So yes, he does presume I'm here I guess.

With him not either!

So how did you/your DC feel about being left at home whilst you went to the ballet when your DH is hardly around and your girls say they miss him?

Is he home yet from his bike ride?