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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think we can't have a pet-sitter when DSD is staying in our house?

230 replies

steppinstone · 21/02/2017 09:11

Just arrived on holiday (which I organised) and DH announces that he's agreed that dsd (who is 18) will be staying in our house while we are away!

I had asked him to explain to her that it wouldn't be appropriate because I've arranged pet sitters - and because she has said she really wants friends over while we are on holiday. She is extremely unreliable and hasn't spent the night on her own before.

I have now had to call the pet sitter to cancel because I think it's just too WEIRD having an adult in the house who can't look after the pets. DH is worried because he says DSD is too immature to look after the pets.

I am really furious that he has just landed this on me now when we could have talked about this last week and got DSD prepared IF we agreed that she could stay.

Aibu? I just want to go home tbh.

OP posts:
Original poster
steppinstone · 24/02/2017 11:39

I don't know what I should do either.

He's betrayed my trust. I understand that dsd lives with us and he didn't want to 'throw her out' for the week. But I said I didn't want her there as she wasn't responsible enough. If he'd said that wasn't fair, we could have stayed at home or just gone for a few days to give her the opportunity to show us that she WAS responsible. He just lied instead. We gave her to choice to think about staying but she said not unless she could have a party. I was - at that point - prepared to try to teach her how to look after the animals etc. But her reaction showed she didn't want to.

I'm so sad. I thought he was better than this.

What do I do? Ask him to move out until she's left home?! Ask him to move out permanently? Live with another husband who I don't trust?

I'd just got over my All Men Are Shit decades....

OP posts:
Original poster
steppinstone · 24/02/2017 11:41

Willow we did try to text / call - landline and mobiles. She didn't answer or answer the door to neighbours. I suspect she was in bed with someone tbh.

OP posts:
blissey · 24/02/2017 11:49

Living with people you don't trust erodes your confidence - I've been there.
So I think you need to strike while the iron is hot and tell both of them to move out until DSD gets a place of her own. If you let this one slide, they'll pull another one of these stunts on you and you'll end up thinking that it is you who is the problem.

Costacoffeeplease · 24/02/2017 11:49

He'd have to leave, if I were you, you can't live with someone you don't trust - and to have put the animals at risk, I just couldn't accept that

ItsNiceItsDifferentItsUnusual · 24/02/2017 12:08

Oh bloody hell! What is your SD thinking? She's got some front.

Personally, I'd be asking your husband to leave, at least temporarily. And your SD can either go with him, or to her mum's. He's lied to your face more than once, which is pretty unforgivable, and seems incapable of stopping his SD treating you and your house like shit. Those aren't the actions of a loving person, are they?

TheHodgeoftheHedge · 24/02/2017 12:37

I was really hoping there would be a positive update to this :( I'm so sorry. I also think that i would at least be asking him to leave temporarily. It's such a breach of trust.

merrymouse · 24/02/2017 12:40

His parenting sounds confused.

On the one hand he wants to make her feel welcome in his home. That is understandable.

On the other, he wants to avoid parenting decisions that all parents have to make, whether or not they are separated or divorced.

Plenty of parents would not leave an 18 year old alone for a week because they don't trust them not to throw a party. Yes that means it might be difficult to go on an adults only holiday, but that's life.

NoSquirrels · 24/02/2017 12:44

Oh dear, that is terrible behaviour on her part. Not answering the door or any other form of communication shows that she is immature and not to be trusted.

Poor you, OP. I'm so sorry your holiday was ruined.

I hope your pets and property are all well looked after, and that you get a HUGE apology and a change for the better from them both.

kali110 · 24/02/2017 12:48

Im so sorry op Flowers this awful.
They'd both probably be out.
I couldn't trust or forgive them for putting my animals at risk or for the deceit.
Sounds like your dh just doesn't want to say no to your dsd.
This is going to help her in the long run though.
I'm usuakly one for saying to be a bit more tolerant and understanding with stepkids, but in thi case no, she would be out.(atleast till i could see a change in behaviour).

FrancisCrawford · 24/02/2017 12:49

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

FucksSakeSusan · 24/02/2017 12:54

I'm a pet sitter and have been to houses where client's adult kids, parent or even partner are in residence. If they're not comfortable looking after the animals then a pet sitter provides the client with peace of mind.

It's really not that weird and I don't even raise an eyebrow.

FucksSakeSusan · 24/02/2017 12:56

Your problem is your DH!

Applesandpears23 · 24/02/2017 12:57

I hope your home and pets are okay. I couldn't live with a partner who I couldn't trust to behave like a grown up.

Bitofacow · 24/02/2017 13:02

Horrible situation. DSD and DH need to take a long hard look at how they have behaved.

Roomster101 · 24/02/2017 13:49

I think your DH and DSD have behaved outrageously. She is a childish spoilt brat and he is clearly untrustworthy. I don't know why you would cancel the pet sitter if she was there, though. I'm sure that isn't that unusual as at that age she may not have wanted to commit to staying in the house at any particular time.

milliemolliemou · 24/02/2017 14:21

have another talk with DH and DSD. Explain youve cancelled your expensive holiday since she wasn't prepared to cooperate or act as an adult.

Get him to ask her why she didn't respond to phone calls or enquiries - not you - she's his daughter. and check your insurance if you ever leave her i the house alone again

Mummyoflittledragon · 24/02/2017 14:31

I'm sitting here open mouthed. Although it isn't all that surprising. Your dh lying is though.

As merrymouse said, his parenting is confusing. And I know full well there are plenty of parents, who wouldn't go away for a week as their 18 year old would have a party. The irony is that you could go away and she had somewhere else to stay for the week unlike many other 18 yr olds.

I don't know what I would do either. Something needs to change. And that something is your dh but I don't know if he's willing. So imo, you're probably going to have to put massive boundaries in place to force his hand. Otherwise you've got a rocky few years ahead. Sad

Original poster
steppinstone · 24/02/2017 14:47

What a fucking fuck.

This could have been a lovely holiday. He just had to have some boundaries with dsd and not lie. Tbh, he just had to not lie.

I don't want to put my babies through another fucking marital upheaval. They've been through enough already. :( They adore him.

But I'm so fucked off. I've texted dsd to ask what's happened and she hasn't replied. She has form for ignoring texts though.

OP posts:
Puzzledandpissedoff · 24/02/2017 14:54

I've texted dsd to ask what's happened and she hasn't replied

Well no, I don't suppose she will; after all why should she - she's had her own way now and clearly couldn't care less

Can I ask again what your DH's attitude is at the moment?

Bitofacow · 24/02/2017 14:58

She is 18. She is an adult. She has put her father and you in an awful situation. You need to calmly explain this to her. There may well be serious consequences to her actions.

At 18 people have responsible jobs, are parents, live by themselves and she can't be trusted with a hamster!

boo2410 · 24/02/2017 15:02

OP I agree with a lot of the other posters up thread, lots of boundaries need to be put in place now and strictly adhered to. She has quite blatantly shown that she is not someone who can be left at home alone. For people to knock on your door and for her not to answer is beyond belief.

If your DH will not agree to the new boundaries then I guess you will have to think long and hard about your ongoing relationship with the pair of them.

I do hope you have a safe journey home and that everything is ok when you get there. So sorry your holiday was ruined.Flowers

HappyFlappy · 24/02/2017 15:15

I'm so sorry your precious holiday has had to be cut short - this is awful!

If she wants to behave like this, tell her to go and live with her mother - you know, the mother who thinks she "should be trusted". Let her deal with all the crap!

I'd find it very hard to forgive my DH after a lie like this. He should be supporting you (especially as it is YOUR house), not undermining you and putting your pets and property at risk.

kali110 · 24/02/2017 15:50

But op can you carrying on living with someone who has absolutely no respect for you?
Your dh has lied to you and won't put any boudaries in place for his dsd no matter what she does.

Blondeshavemorefun · 24/02/2017 16:06

Dsd has betrayed your trust as well

You said no party

She should have stayed wired her mum while you are away

Dh. Needs to grow some serious balls !!!

FrancisCrawford · 24/02/2017 16:39

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.