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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think we can't have a pet-sitter when DSD is staying in our house?

230 replies

steppinstone · 21/02/2017 09:11

Just arrived on holiday (which I organised) and DH announces that he's agreed that dsd (who is 18) will be staying in our house while we are away!

I had asked him to explain to her that it wouldn't be appropriate because I've arranged pet sitters - and because she has said she really wants friends over while we are on holiday. She is extremely unreliable and hasn't spent the night on her own before.

I have now had to call the pet sitter to cancel because I think it's just too WEIRD having an adult in the house who can't look after the pets. DH is worried because he says DSD is too immature to look after the pets.

I am really furious that he has just landed this on me now when we could have talked about this last week and got DSD prepared IF we agreed that she could stay.

Aibu? I just want to go home tbh.

OP posts:
emmyrose2000 · 23/02/2017 02:27

I'd be mortified if my (NT) 18 year old was incapable of doing something as simple as looking after a few pets for a short while. Hell, quite a few 18 year olds have real live human babies to care for full time at that age!

Your real problem here though is your husband, who (1) arranged all this behind your back; and (2) parented a child (now an adult) who can't even be trusted to look after a cat and some goldfish in their owners' absence.

Was the pet sitting a paying job, so now the pet sitter is out of money after the job was cancelled? Either way, personally I'd have kept her/him on. Too bad if it made the daughter look like the immature child she is.

Scarriff · 23/02/2017 03:57

I get the feeling this is just another chapter in the saga of second marriage. You aren't keen on your dad and she isn't all that keen on you. True? Your dh is dealing with it by having separate conversations with both of you. Not unusual. The pets and their sitters are your business. I wouldn't change my arrangements because a bolshie teenager is staying in the house. Roll your eyes if you must but don't ruin your holiday by worrying about your pets. Let it be. And try to understand how your dh' s position if you can. Have a glass of something and relax. It's you he is with. Enjoy the holiday.

CatchingBabies · 23/02/2017 04:11

Wow I would be furious! Not so much at the stepdaughter staying or the pets etc. but at the fact your DH has clearly arranged this behind your back and deliberately not told you until a point where nothing can be done because he knows you will not be happy. I couldn't live with such deception and underhand behaviour personally.

kazmina10 · 23/02/2017 10:33

Some people aren't reliable 18, 35 or 80. My dad is 88 and I wouldn't trust him to feed a cat. Or babysit! Did it once when was 75, came home, both little one screaming their heads off while he watched TV. He hadn't even noticed they were crying. At 18 kids are not always responsible.

manicmij · 23/02/2017 13:20

Never been on her own overnight before? Yet DH thinks it okay for DAD to come and go and have friends over, Has he never heard of social media and houses being ruined with gate crashed. As for the pets, surely if being considered responsible to do her own thing then surely she could manage pets. Definitely a prize Princess.

Willow2016 · 23/02/2017 14:37

Scarriff

Why are the pets and the pet sitters ops responsibility? WHy isnt her dh's responsibility?
She already said that her dh is the one who like pets, why couldnt his daughter look after them for him?

She wants all the perks of being home alone without an iota of responsibility. She is spoilt rotten by her dad, doesnt lift a finger at home, expects op to do it all yet wouldnt feed the pets unless she had a party!

That would have been a big fat no from me too, if she has never been alone before fat chance I would be letting her have a party with all the potential for damage and god know what else that happens these days.

Going behind my back to indulge his daughter, not having the guts to tell me until I was in another country, undermining me, giving his daughter free reign in my house without my permission, and potentially throwing my house open to all the teens in the area, I would be bloody pissed off too.

Deejoda · 23/02/2017 16:47

YANBU! Now that there are relatives organised to keep an eye on things, pls try to enjoy your holiday and let him spoil you for being such a pushover and coward! When you come home, you should have a serious chat and establish some new houserules for SD

Blondeshavemorefun · 23/02/2017 17:03

dh is totally out of order

if dsd 18yrs is capable of being left alone at your home then she can feed the pets

its non negotiable

she sounds a pampered princess and sadly thats yours dh fault

kali110 · 23/02/2017 19:05

How is it acceptable to feed a cat or hamster once or twice a week?? Are you serious?Shock

car5ys · 24/02/2017 00:54

My DD (18) has been left with 4 cats and 2 dogs to look after while my OH and I go away. She has strict instructions re parties/people in the house etc. We have told her who can/can't visit and when she works late shifts then DS is asked to pop in on way home from work to do teatime walks. She knows full well that if she had a party I would know and there would be consequences. I love my animals and when kids used to come on hols with us my niece used to move in and care for the cats we had then. If my OH did this to me he would be minus parts of his anatomy and on the next flight home to sort the mess out.

twattymctwatterson · 24/02/2017 01:03

As she lives with you most of the time I think turning her out of her home whilst you are on holiday is a bit off. HOWEVER the fact that she can't look after the pets whilst you are on holiday is ludicrous. It sounds like your DH infantilises her. She's an adult which means she should be treated like one and also act like one

crunched · 24/02/2017 01:21

DSD will step up to the responsibility of the pets - being left alone to get on with it is probably exactly what she needs.
If she has a few mates round to enjoy an empty house... well, wouldn't we all do the same at that age?
Agree DH should have discussed the arrangements with you but, for now, enjoy your long-awaited holiday.

Original poster
steppinstone · 24/02/2017 09:01

Well this has all gone to shit.

Last night I had a call from the pet sitter (who DH had told me was going to do half the week when DSD definitely wouldn't be there) who said that the house was locked from the inside with the lights on - dsd was there with friends and wouldn't let her in.

DH sent family round but they didn't want to confront dsd. He had messages from her mum saying she knew she was there with friends but DH should trust her.

DH has lied to me all week. Even after we had a massively difficult conversation about boundaries on the first day. I just feel this is unforgivable.

We go home tomorrow. DH can't get hold of dsd and have no idea whether the animals are ok.

This has been the worst holiday. And cost more than our wedding which as I said to DH is ironic because at least our wedding was ONE fun day.

What the actual fuck?

OP posts:
KatharinaRosalie · 24/02/2017 09:26

Not too long ago it was expected that 18-year olds are adults, capable of taking care of themselves. Work, live independently etc.

DSD can't be trusted to look after a hamster..

I really hope everything is allright when you get home. NOt opening the door might mean there was a party going on. 'Family does not want to confront her' WTF..

honeylulu · 24/02/2017 09:30

does not want to confront her' WTF..

Yes why is everyone pussy footing around her? Refusing to let pet sitter in - fucking ridiculous!

blissey · 24/02/2017 09:31

I'm sorry your holiday has been ruined. I hope your house and animals are OK.
Don't let DH get away with minimising this - even if it turns out that no harm was done. It's a massive betrayal of trust and he needs to understand that.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 24/02/2017 09:32

Sadly it's hardly a surprise, is it? It seems your SD will do exactly as she wants, when she wants to do it, unless stopped; as I said upthread, she's doubtless got a nice little speech prepared to justify what she's done, no doubt blaming everyone else for the whole thing

Can I ask what your DH is planning to do about all this?

livefornaps · 24/02/2017 09:33

Oh, OP I am so sorry!!! Sounds like a nightmare. There is a fully-grown adult holding your pets and house to ransom! I can imagine how invasive that must feel. She has no right. Nothing to offer as advice, just sympathy. Many people would have a hard time getting over this, it's not just you. Sorry about your ruined holiday. You did not deserve this. Sounds like she has the whole world wrapped around her little finger. It is not fair.

TondelayaDellaVentamiglia · 24/02/2017 09:41

Well who'd have thought....spoiled teenager actually has party while in charge of empty house?

I hope your house is fine when you get home, but there was no way your brattish DSD was not going ahead with her plans while she had the chance....surely you realised that?

Your dh sounds like a wet blanket, pussy footing about.

FrancisCrawford · 24/02/2017 10:29

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

differentnameforthis · 24/02/2017 10:41

The paid sitter was great but clearly hated the idea that she was really being paid to keep an eye on a teenager! Popping into a place twice a day to feed some animals does not constitute being paid to look after a teen, especially if she was actually asked to do so.

I think there is more to that, to be fair.

And if it is her home, surely she is entitled to be there? I don't see how her being there would upset/disrupt someone who is feeding a hamster and a cat!!

Are they her animals? if not, she doesn't really have an obligation to feed them, does she...especially as you don't actually want her in the house by herself!!

Noctilucent · 24/02/2017 10:44

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Penfold007 · 24/02/2017 10:54

As I said up thread you have a massive DH problem

kali110 · 24/02/2017 11:33

So sorry op! Don't know what you should do.
I think this would really hurt the relationship with my dp.
Why us he letting this girl get away with this??

Willow2016 · 24/02/2017 11:34

I would have bourne the cost of a call or txt and told her to open the fecking door at once and let the pet sitters/family in. What the hell were the family afraid of confronting her for?

BIG Family convo needed when you get home.

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