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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think we can't have a pet-sitter when DSD is staying in our house?

230 replies

steppinstone · 21/02/2017 09:11

Just arrived on holiday (which I organised) and DH announces that he's agreed that dsd (who is 18) will be staying in our house while we are away!

I had asked him to explain to her that it wouldn't be appropriate because I've arranged pet sitters - and because she has said she really wants friends over while we are on holiday. She is extremely unreliable and hasn't spent the night on her own before.

I have now had to call the pet sitter to cancel because I think it's just too WEIRD having an adult in the house who can't look after the pets. DH is worried because he says DSD is too immature to look after the pets.

I am really furious that he has just landed this on me now when we could have talked about this last week and got DSD prepared IF we agreed that she could stay.

Aibu? I just want to go home tbh.

OP posts:
StarryIllusion · 21/02/2017 10:17

If I had an 18 year old who couldn't be trusted with cats, hamsters and fish I'd be taking her to the gp because there is clearly something wrong. Your average 10 year old could look after them.

Original poster
steppinstone · 21/02/2017 10:22

The pets are just a distraction from her obsessive social media useage - like lots of teens I'm sure, but it's a classic divorced-Disney-dad situation whereby she is excused any chores or responsibility. I can't normally deal with this by ignoring it all and leaving him to it, but this time I am now going to spend the rest of this holiday fretting about what's going on at home.

I was so stressed about coming away - I'm a v anxious person and doing this was a massive achievement for me. Now I'm a furious mess.

OP posts:
Goodythreeshoes · 21/02/2017 10:22

A 6 year old, with the necessary guidance at the start, can be perfectly responsible feeding pets. Why can't DSD? It's not as if she's being asked to walk a bouncy Labrador twice a day.

Goodythreeshoes · 21/02/2017 10:23

What a shame, between the pair of them, that they are spoiling your holiday.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 21/02/2017 10:25

it's a classic divorced-Disney-dad situation whereby she is excused any chores or responsibility

No doubt - but this is your home too; surely you also have a say as to what goes on there?

LadyPW · 21/02/2017 10:26

We asked her if she would be prepared to do so a couple of weeks ago but she no, unless she could have a party. We said no, she would need to stay elsewhere if that was her attitude. Or so I thought.
I'd be on a plane.

NoSquirrels · 21/02/2017 10:27

^We asked her if she would be prepared to do so a couple of weeks ago but she no, unless she could have a party. We said no, she would need to stay elsewhere if that was her attitude. Or so I thought.

Turns out she's staying anyway.^

Well, she's extremely disrespectful, for a start. And unhelpful in the first place. So she doesn't sound great, tbh.

On the face of it, 18 year old stays home while parents are away and feeds low-maintenance pets, hardly an issue. But as you had made other arrangements and expressly forbidden a party, it's rude and bad behaviour. And yes, if your DH knew about it/is happy about it now then he's contributing to the problem, imo. So I'd be pissed off too.

Do what PP suggested. Text her: "Hear you have decided to stay home and look after the animals this week. I have cancelled the petsitters and Dad will text you instructions, you are now fully responsible for them. Please remember, no parties as we discussed. See you when we get back."

Then enjoy your holiday and try not to worry. She is 18, after all.

RedAndYellowStripe · 21/02/2017 10:27

So in effect, your dsd will stay in your house, have a party and maybe loook after the animals whilst you are away.
Despite the fact the original agreement was that she would feel the animals but couldn't have a party. Because SHE wasn't happy, you took a pet sitter for the animals.

I suspect that your dsd ramped the guilt up and your DH couldn't feel he could say NO.

I have to laugh at the idea that she isn't mature enough to look after a few pets (incl a fish!) but somehow is mature enough to stay at home on her own.

LaGattaNera · 21/02/2017 10:27

They all sound a bit unreasonable to me. DH because he clearly arranged it with his DD in advance but sprang it on you after you had arrived, pet person as if they are only popping in twice a day, then so what if DSD is there texting? Fair enough if pet sitter turns up and there are 50 pissed teenagers but one 18 year old texting? What's the problem here - she is only popping in, not staying for the duration of your holiday? Maybe when she pops in she likes to spend day at your place watch tv or having a kip? And also DSD because so odd that at 18 she can be left alone in a house but no care for pets? My mum left me alone at 16 with my 18 yr old brother whilst she had to go away with my dad and we had 2 dogs & 4 cats. Who does your DH think will look after pets? I'd be unable to relax in your shoes.

LotsOfAxolotlsAndOcelots · 21/02/2017 10:30

I used to do a bit of house sitting through a professional agency. The issue with having people in the property is it negates the insurance cover for the householder and the sitter. I would have felt vulnerable if another person I didn't know was coming and going as they please. On my own I knew the doors were locked and the smoke alarm worked etc.

Original poster
steppinstone · 21/02/2017 10:30

DH thinks I am massively over reacting and can't see the problem. He thinks we should have kept the pet sitter though. He likes the pets more than anyone so hopefully that will at least spur him to sort that out with dsd.

I am not going to text her. I'll leave it up to him.

I can't bloody relax now - that is the problem! I'm so frantic!

OP posts:
NoSquirrels · 21/02/2017 10:38

Explain slowly to your DH that you are livid because the plans had been made, and now they are unmade. It is stress and worry for no reason, and it's spoiling your holiday. All this could have been planned weeks ago. It is disrespectful to change plans like this at the last minute.

The pets are now his responsibility via his DD. She needs to step up.

Now go and lie somewhere relaxing and forget about them all!

Puzzledandpissedoff · 21/02/2017 10:40

DH thinks I am massively over reacting and can't see the problem

Which probably explains why DSD feels entitled to behave like this

I imagine she'll also feel fully entitled to have the party too - after all, she made this a condition of staying, and whatever you said she's there now, probably practising her "justification speech"

Oh dear ...

GabsAlot · 21/02/2017 10:40

sounds like he done it on purpose so u couldnt say anything because youre too far away

out of order-if he knows shes immature he shouldnt have aranaged behind your back that she stays

GatoradeMeBitch · 21/02/2017 10:42

I would be a mess too! Do you have the phone numbers of any of your neighbours, or do you have them on Facebook? Message them and ask them to contact you at the first sign of a party - then hopefully you could call her and nip it in the bud.

BertrandRussell · 21/02/2017 10:43

I am still baffled.

Teenager stays in own house-shock.

GatoradeMeBitch · 21/02/2017 10:46

Teenager stays in own house-shock.

Teenager who apparently an't be trusted to look after two pets.

Teenager who has said she wants to throw a party while they are away!

Somerville · 21/02/2017 10:46

I don't think there's any reason to be frantic. She might not want the responsibility of the pets, but there's a huge gulf between that and seeing them starve. She lives there so must know where their food is.
Or is it the parties you're frantic about? Loads of 18 YO's have friends over unsupervised and the times it becomes a big disaster are really minimal. I'd try to just get on with enjoying your holiday.

Original poster
steppinstone · 21/02/2017 10:46

Teenager stays in own house when DH had decided she was too immature to do so, and then apparently changed his mind without discussing it with the person who actually owns the house. Happy holidays.

OP posts:
PageStillNotFound404 · 21/02/2017 10:47

I am boggling at the thought that a (presumably NT) 18yo is too irresponsible to feed a cat, a couple of hamsters and some fish. If I were said 18yo I'd be mortified to be thought of as so useless.

I think your DH is very BU if he has gone against what you previously agreed together, but I also think you were a bit BU to cancel the sitter because you thought it "weird" rather than just saying "oh, just to let you know, DSD may be floating around when you come over. If I knew she'd definitely be there the whole time I'd have asked her to look after the pets but you know what teenagers are like, in and out at all hours". Knowing your friends were dropping in twice a day might also have encouraged her to curb any excesses with regard to parties etc.

But fundamentally I think your biggest problem is your DH, so I'm glad you're leaving it to him to sort out. I hope you can still relax and enjoy your holiday when you get there.

Costacoffeeplease · 21/02/2017 10:51

Your husband sounds like a twat - does he have form for pulling these kind of strokes?

Original poster
steppinstone · 21/02/2017 10:52

He will do anything to avoid confrontation with me / dsd which does result in such situations.

He has obvs spectacularly failed to avoid confrontation today of course.

OP posts:
Costacoffeeplease · 21/02/2017 11:05

Better idea, send him home to deal with it all, and you stay on holiday

BertrandRussell · 21/02/2017 11:09

Or, better still. Reinstate the pet sitter.

Tell 18 year old that if there is the slightest hint of there having been a party when you get back, there will be no allowance or whatever money she gets for the next 6 months.

Then forget about it and enjoy the rest of your holiday.

BertrandRussell · 21/02/2017 11:11

Hang on- so she normally lives with you? So it is her home? And you said she'd have to live somewhere else while you were away??????

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