"We thought we'd pop in!"

[ArsenalsPlayingAtHome]

Last night my parents "popped in". I'd been in from work for about 20 minutes, during which time I'd said a brief "hello" to DH & children, and immediately started ploughing through the laundry. Had plans to change the sheets on our bed, and give the bathroom a quick clean before starting to cook the tea.

I'm exhausted by the time the DCs are going to bed, and wanted to get as much as done as possible while they were happily spending time on their tablets, so that after tea I could spend a bit of time with them without being knackered and irritable.

I work FT, have very little time to do anything between getting in from work and sorting the kids out at bedtime. Our children have various hobbies, one of which means that either myself of DH are out with at least 1 DC for at least an hour and a half every evening.

Now, I'm not moaning about how busy we are, but AIBU to be pissed off that, knowing how busy we are, my parents decide to "pop in" with not so much as a phone call to see if it's convenient, or if another day might be more/slightly less inconvenient?

My parents aren't fun people to be around, They sit there with miserable faces saying either nothing, or repeating what they've just asked.

PS - This isn't a thread about how DH needs to do more - he does his fair share.

AIBU to be pissed off, and would it BU to ask them not to pop in without ringing?

Getting ready for work now, but will read any responses as soon as I can this evening.
Thanks.

I was raised to drop everything for older parents and grandparents as it was seen as "doing your duty".

I still think in that way but it's easier with my parents because if they dropped in my mum would immediately do the laundry, wash any dishes, etc and my dad would start vacuuming.

Londonsburning I'm sorry you miss somebody, and I get that a lot of people do as well. It's no reason to say somebody has to do something they don't want to though.

It is rude to turn up somewhere without notice if the person who lives there doesn't like it. The end.

I despise drop-in visits, so people don't do it unless it's an emergency. That's because my friends and family are polite and give a shit about my feelings.

Londonsburningahhhh you are not being fair to the OP whatsoever, the fact your own parents aren't around anymore is sad for your family, but has absolutely no bearing on the OP's situation whatsoever. Just because someone she has never met on an internet forum would love for their parents to still be here, does not invalidate the OP's problem, which is what you are insinuating.

I am gobsmacked by how many people read the OP then said things like "I'd be heartbroken if I had to have an appointment with my DC's or my mum had to have one with me." I love my parents, and my DC, love love love them. I don't "give them appointments" to spend time with me. I am fairly certain they know that I think the world of them, BUT they also know that I have my own life and that a phonecall to see if I'm free will make me so much more receptive to visits than them turning up randomly.

I hate the stress of thinking that someone could turn up at any point, partly because I get so little time to relax that I relish that hour between my DC going to bed and me passing out knackered on the sofa. But also because stupid and vain as it might be, I want people to think I have my shit together. I was a messy teenager but nowadays I have a clean house, and I always used to get a bit annoyed with my DM saying how untidy my room was because as I said at the time; I had all my possessions in one room and it was hard to keep clean. Similarly, I've always been a good cook but my DM (who is lovely, btw) seemed convinced that I was a student stereotype who only ate baked beans into my early twenties. I'm happy to tell my parents if I'm struggling, and they would happily help. But I find with a toddler it's really hard to keep on top of the mess. If they turned up now my living room would look an absolute mess and they may well then leave saying "she always was messy". If they gave me ten minutes warning I could easily whip around and have them leave saying "she does a good job of looking after the house and DC" which I would like to think is the truth! There's just always surface mess with a toddler!

Could you say " lovely to see you, I'm frantically busy. Could you put the washing on please?" Or similar?

No way would I say 'could you put the washing on' to my mil. She'd be even more patronising than ever.

Never lived close enough to any relatives for them to call round but friends would always have had the courtesy to either phone text or forewarn - surely it's just politeness if ? Even if you live next door to family and friends? especially now you know someone is working FT and has a commute? When you can just text. OP I'd either include your surprise visitors i your evening work and ask them to help as PPs have suggested or have a quiet word with them and say you'd like to see them whe youre not stressed. My mother worked FT and understood but perhaps your ma doesn't? if they're lonely an arranged time to see them would help.

Frillyhorseyknickers my parents aren't dead what gave you that opinion. I was being sympathetic to the other posters on here. Telling people to get of their soap boxes is not a nice thing to say especially if they are not around anymore. Everyone can give their opinion on this thread its up to the op to pick and choose what she agrees with. Threads like these brings out emotion from people and its not the right place to start a bum fight.

I just can't imagine calling on anyone when I knew they'd be busy (and her parents WOULD know she'd be busy at that time of night) without offering to help. Now if her mum and dad were the sort to take the kids to activities, to offer to come round with a meal cooked for the family or something like that, then the OP might be happy to see them, but for them to come and park themselves on the sofa like that and not help at all is really inconsiderate and selfish.

And I'm another who's sick of people saying they wished their parents were still around etc - I'm really sorry for your loss but you do not wish that someone would come round when you were really busy.

I am allowed to feel jealous seeing as my parents are alive and too selfish and inconsiderate to see their grandchildren. I don't expect nothing from them cleaning no, cooking hell no. I'm jealous that's my position on this thread. Don't feel sorry for me its my kids who miss out.

Has the op posted her parents ages they may not be able to clean and cook etc. I worked in an old peoples home I prescribed medication and a lot of the old people in their were on antidepressants. Has the op looked into what her parents are taking they are getting older and more lonely. I think its a shame she feels that way and not explored why they are miserable and in what way she can help. Once a man/woman twice a child and she treats them like an inconvenience. She could try to improve their quality of life and get them feeling happy again.

a bum fight.

sorry

Frillyhorseyknickers my parents aren't dead what gave you that opinion.

London
My children don't know their grandparents

It was hardly a wild assumption 🙄

But I assume from your later post that your relationship with your parents isn't amazing. The OP says her parents aren't fun which assumes her relationship with them is difficult. Surely you understand that making stilted conversation with people is sometimes not what people want to do after a long day at work? My time is precious as well.

I think it's lovely they popped round. My in-laws don't even bother with us at Christmas and my mum just died.

You're bloody lucky to have parents who live close enough to just pop in. Wish mine did. You imply they're not fun to have around. Maybe try to make it more of a pleasure for them. Are you really saying that bedsheets laundry comes before time with them? Even if you're getting them involved in your daily routines maybe they'd be glad to help you out. Grandparents don't last forever.

I also would love it if my parents were close enough to pop. You are so lucky OP! Teach them where the kettle is whilst you finish off the job in hand, then sit and enjoy spending time with them.

melj1213 I couldn't have put it better myself! Thanks!

I'm so happy when mom just "pops in". It's a lovely gesture, they are being friendly :) YABUZ

Londonsburningahhhh

She could try to improve their quality of life and get them feeling happy again.

I'm sure that this will come across as selfish, but I don't feel that it's my responsibility to make my parents happy. They really didn't go out of their way to invest an awful lot of their time to ensuring that I was happy when I was a child. I wasn't mistreated at all, but they didn't invest any energy or time to it, iyswim, it simply didn't register on their radar that maybe I was lonely and would have benefited from them spending some quality time with me. And I've got a hell of a lot less time now than they had back then.

They are 70 and 67, of sound mind, good health, and are certainly not short of money. They have all the time and financial funds they could possibly need to invest in their own happiness and that of each other, but they sadly chose not to.

My husband & I recently bought them a weekend away. Prior to that they've been away twice in over 20 years, and one of those occasions only happened because my dad was offered a weeks work in the town they stayed in . If they can't be arsed generating some happiness for themselves, I don't see why I should devote what little spare time and energy I have to what seems like a lost cause.

As I've said, I have 4 children, and a husband, and they are my priority. After them, maybe I'm entitled to invest a little time & energy to myself? If I took on the role of being responsible for my parents' happiness I think I'd crack up...

For all the people who have suggested I'm lucky to have my parents near enough to me that they can pop in....

Unless your parents have upped and left the area you all lived in, it's not luck that my parents live 10 minutes away...it didn't happen by chance. I decided to stay nearby to my family because I feel they are important to me & I am to them.

Now I'm not saying that if you move areas, you don't value your family. It does bug me, though, when people go on about how hard it is for them when their family are miles away, and how easy it is for me because mine are close by, when they've made a conscious decision to up and move away. For years DH wanted to move areas, emigrate even but I wouldn't entertain it.

For everyone who has lost a much loved parent, or who has very difficult relationships with their parents .

They go to you to spend time with you and their grandchildren that's got to mean something. Why don't you tell them to come over when the kids are not at their activities you won't hurt their feelings saying that.

People move for all sorts of reasons affordability, work etc. Moving is not an easy decision to make it has to benefit the whole family.

When talking to them use your children as a way around them.

You say crack up try being mum, dad, aunt, uncle and grandparents because no fucker wants to know.

Gosh, the OP has had a hard time on here.

No matter how much I like someone, I don't want them to pop in. My oldest friend once did (she lived in another country, it was a total surprise) and it would have been lovely ... except we were on our way out to something long planned (and I mean that when she turned up, we were at the car, getting babies / toddlers into their car seats). We put off leaving for half an hour but if I'd known she was coming round, I would have made sure that I was free.

Even my Mum would be irritated if I popped in. She might still be in her dressing gown, her house might be a tip or she might not be in the mood to have me over. That's okay, I would always call to ask if it was cool.

...If it's inconvenient, then simply rearrange for them to come over some other time :-)

They go to you to spend time with you and their grandchildren that's got to mean something. Why don't you tell them to come over when the kids are not at their activities you won't hurt their feelings saying that.

London'sBurning I can't work out if you're being intentionally obtuse or just shockingly goady in refusing to acknowledge that not everyone has the same relationship with their parents and the fact that some "visitors" are the kind of people that require far more hosting than others and things like "tell them to muck in or just come back later" aren't going to work with some people.

Just because they come over doesn't mean they actually want to fit into the OPs plans, but impose their own on the OP, and to me that just means they're rude. Some people will actually have their feelings hurt if you turn them away when they've stopped by for a visit, because in my experience the kind of people who just pop in with no regard to whether it is convenient or not rarely take kindly to being called on it.

My Ex-PiL used to pop in for a visit, not because they had anything to say or particularly wanted to see my DD, but because they felt like they should, and wanted to do it for show ... it was also a power play because I had two options - drop what I was doing to attend to them, make cups of tea and sit making awkward small talk where neither of us had anything to say until they were satisfied enough to leave ... or tell them it wasn't convenient and they couldn't stay and have them slag me off to all and sundry for being so horrible as to turn them away when they were family and just wanted to see us!

Regardless of which, if I don't want visitors I shouldn't have to host anyone, regardless of whether it's my parent, best friend or the fucking queen - and I am not a bad person for not wanting someone to turn up without warning and demand my attention.

I'm Irish and I find as a general rule we are far more casual about people visiting without calling first.
So I would think that you are being unreasonable .. think I'd formally ask them to call on a night that does suit you which would stop the pop ins.
I doubt your relationship would recover from s phone call telling them to stop popping in