"We thought we'd pop in!"

[ArsenalsPlayingAtHome]

Last night my parents "popped in". I'd been in from work for about 20 minutes, during which time I'd said a brief "hello" to DH & children, and immediately started ploughing through the laundry. Had plans to change the sheets on our bed, and give the bathroom a quick clean before starting to cook the tea.

I'm exhausted by the time the DCs are going to bed, and wanted to get as much as done as possible while they were happily spending time on their tablets, so that after tea I could spend a bit of time with them without being knackered and irritable.

I work FT, have very little time to do anything between getting in from work and sorting the kids out at bedtime. Our children have various hobbies, one of which means that either myself of DH are out with at least 1 DC for at least an hour and a half every evening.

Now, I'm not moaning about how busy we are, but AIBU to be pissed off that, knowing how busy we are, my parents decide to "pop in" with not so much as a phone call to see if it's convenient, or if another day might be more/slightly less inconvenient?

My parents aren't fun people to be around, They sit there with miserable faces saying either nothing, or repeating what they've just asked.

PS - This isn't a thread about how DH needs to do more - he does his fair share.

AIBU to be pissed off, and would it BU to ask them not to pop in without ringing?

Getting ready for work now, but will read any responses as soon as I can this evening.
Thanks.

All those who are daily mail sad face and saying that 'one day your parents will be gone and you'll be sorry' - my life improved massively when my mother died. I won't say I was glad, but my life was so much better.

Those who are so keen on the, 'but it's your mother' guilt schtick should have a look at the stately homes threads or all the resources on the internet which show that - shock horror! - parents are human beings and some are good and some are truly bad and most are muddling along doing there best. Not everyone has parents that are a blessing.

It's such a horrible feeling for your child to view your visit to them as a complete inconvenience

The OP doesn't say that. She says her parents were inconvenient at this particular time. Come on, surely there must be times when you would find your parents inconvenient, no matter how much you love them?

I have a 4 day week at work, my share of housework/parenting and am studying with the OU - I imagine lots of other people have similar busy lives. I don't have time to just leave stuff and sit down for chats if I have work to do. I don't do all the washing at the weekend because then I would end up with a backlog of drying. This week my husband and I have a complicated network of which of us is dropping off/collecting/accompanying children to different events. I don't think it is at all unreasonable for people to check if it is a good time to call in.

And for the point about parents having had to give up on lots of things whilst we were young - I don't know about anyone else, but in our family we had to fit in with what our parents wanted to do (mainly my dad - weekends were generally constructed around whatever his current sport/hobby was).

I once lost it with my parents in law over this, but then realised they just wanted to see us. We try and play going for tea with them ever other week, or I ask them over to look after the kids while we have date night.

I have also been known to 'pretend we are out' :)

The amount of MNers 'popping' is out of control
Pop in
Pop round
They popped
Pop him in a sling
Pop out
Pop some of your food in front of him and let him explore
Pop the fuck off.

bigbang I shall direct you to my post above.

Unannounce visit, not a visit she is complaining about.

And boohoo with the one day they wont be around. Honestly, one day nobody will be around, should we just skip all forms with the excuse?

LisaMed1 bang on the money.

Oh what I would give for my mum just to pop by. I am very close to my parents, my mum would always pop in on her way to/from work, she used to be care worker a few doors down from me and would be doing several shifts at the same house in a day, (morning/dinner/tea) I would think it was strange if she hadn't popped in. Yes sometimes it was annoying but she would always do/help with something that needed doing.
I lost my mum 3 months ago, she was only 62. I so miss her popping by!
If it was the inlaws no that would be a different matter.

The OP says her Mum and Dad just "sit there". I can appreciate that is really wearing as you feel you have to stop what you are doing and "entertain" them to a certain extent.
I have a friend like this when she calls I feel i have to sit down with her and talk, whereas when my sons or dils or other friends pop in they make themselves at home, help themselves to a cuppa and will talk to me as I carry on with what I was doing.

Different people have different expectations of you as a host, those who expect you to stop and "entertain" them should always let you know that they intend to "pop in"

If this was me, I'd put the kettle on, then go and get the washing anyway, once it's on it does itself? I'd also give them a task like listening to reading/spellings etc as I'm a slave driver...
So long as all tasks were done and kids got to bed at the regular time I wouldn't care who does them tbh., and sharing the load might result in time for you to have a rest too.

I was single parent of 2 children for 2 years and managed to work full time 8:30-5pm, and get all housework done and kids sorted and have people randomly turn up unannounced.
Where as my sister on the other hand works part time, has a full time working partner and has 2 kids and couldn't deal with unannounced visitors as housework to her is a never ending battle as she has never been on top of it to ever see the end of it. what I see as a 10 minute quick job i.e. Putting washing on and changing bedsheets,she sees as a very stressful 1hour job having to pace the floors of her bedrooms collecting dirty washing and changing her bedding would probably mean having to clear a space just to get to her bed.

I think everyone has a completely different view on how much time housework takes,sorting the kids out and how busy life is when working full time.

Given that the OP says'

"My parents aren't fun people to be around, They sit there with miserable faces saying either nothing, or repeating what they've just asked."

It really doesn't sound like they are the cheery "let's all muck in, and get these chores cracked! Now, what can we do do help?" types.

YANBU op. I literally can't believe anyone would think it's ok just to show up at someone's house, don't care what relation they are, it's so selfish - 'I am here so stop what you're doing'. How hard is it to text or ring just to give some warning?!

Also at 'it wasn't a good time' equating to 'I hate my parents and never want to see them'

I don't see it as everyone feeling that their DPs visiting is an inconvenience but after work/end of day, isn't the best time of day for a lot of family's. Everyone is usually busy/tired and a visitor can be an added stress.

I'm from a family of 'popper rounders'. Well I was, before my parents died. They were desperate to see DD and did spend time with her/help with homework etc so in that case it worked well for everyone. I could get on with jobs while GPs spent time with DD. But if they'd have come round and wanted 1-1 attention that would have been tricky at that time of day I have to admit.

Could you have a chat with them and say that when they pop in in the evening, it's often at a time when the kids have homework/activities and it's sad they aren't able to spend time with them as they have to crack on with their work etc? Then could you arrange a mutually acceptable day/time where you can all spend an hour or so together when you are a bit less busy/tired? It's not easy when you have kids, a job, hobbies etc.

Yadddnbu. It's hugely inconsiderate especially when you're juggling dc and are short on time and are in disarray.

But I've always observed, popper-inners are poles apart from non-popper inners and will never in a million years understand why it might be even the tiniest bit irksome.

My inlaws have descended upon me for years and I dislike it. Just a quick call would be helpful. They have many many opportunities to make that call between leaving the house, having their unch out and then travelling to us. But they don't. And I wonder why. Is it because they actually want to just land upon us?

There are five of us and things get chaotic. I think my mil likes to turn up whilst I'm mid blitz on my day off and sorry, but I resent that she continually arrives whilst I'm at my busiest doing the bloody cleaning.

I'd have considered it a welcome opportunity to get the kids to put their Ipads down and have some human interaction. Then I'd have had a cuppa with them when I'd done what I needed to do. Grandparents mainly visit to see the children don't they?

Thanks everyone. Didn't get chance last night, so am going to read all responses now.

My adult children are welcome at my house anytime and without an appointment! I would hope they feel the same about me. I don't just "pop round" a lot but would call if in the area. If DD was busy I would help her or entertain the DGC. I work full time myself and DGC have activities at weekends so nice to spend a bit of time with them.

NeedsAsockamnesty - exactly!

Only got half way through. Will read the rest tonight.
Tbh, I am not the most efficient person when it comes to HW, but I do my best, and so does DH.
The bedding couldn't wait for another day - DH had already stripped the bed, it was in the dryer waiting to be put back on. And the washing needed doing for the next day.

Someone mentioned cutting back on hobbies? What? So that my parents can pop in unannounced and when they do it won't piss me off?

We have 4 children - (DC1 is now self sufficient with own car) and only one of them has 2 hobbies. But they do add up & impact greatly on family time. I see them as contributing to our children's lives though, widening their outlook and giving them a sense of responsibility. Having said that, it's sometimes a drag for DH & I, but still worth it.

Another positive is that it gives us quality time with that one child at that time, iyswim.

Thanks for the advice - some really good points, and it has helped to know that not everyone thinks I'm BU. Will read the rest tonight.

My friends and family know I don't like 'popper inners', even when I'm not busy. I always like someone to check in with me first before they visit. And during the week visits are definitely a big fat no. My DM used to moan that although she got invites to my SAH sister's house during the week for tea, she never got invited to mine. I just pointed out I work full time and don't want any social interaction on a week day evening (even with DH sometimes!). I had to repeat myself a few times, and now she doesn't mention it; I think the message has got through.

My mum does this. I hand her the baby and carry on with my chores. Much easier that way. She's not here to see me, just the DGC. It works for us. We then chat and have a cup of tea when I'm done

"Don't answer the door" may sound good in theory, but it overlooks the fact that, for a lot of people, the front door will be right beside the front window - and, knowing my relatives, they'd peer in and start hammering on the glass! And then go round the back. And then phone. And then, if all else failed, just sit in the car and wait.

Why are you cleaning the bathroom after work? Can't you leave it - get a cleaner and enjoy your family visits

Ye or have kids like mine,who run to open the door the minute someone knocks.

I think you have to either open the door and not let them in or open the door and fling the kids at them.No standing on ceremony.