"We thought we'd pop in!"

[ArsenalsPlayingAtHome]

Last night my parents "popped in". I'd been in from work for about 20 minutes, during which time I'd said a brief "hello" to DH & children, and immediately started ploughing through the laundry. Had plans to change the sheets on our bed, and give the bathroom a quick clean before starting to cook the tea.

I'm exhausted by the time the DCs are going to bed, and wanted to get as much as done as possible while they were happily spending time on their tablets, so that after tea I could spend a bit of time with them without being knackered and irritable.

I work FT, have very little time to do anything between getting in from work and sorting the kids out at bedtime. Our children have various hobbies, one of which means that either myself of DH are out with at least 1 DC for at least an hour and a half every evening.

Now, I'm not moaning about how busy we are, but AIBU to be pissed off that, knowing how busy we are, my parents decide to "pop in" with not so much as a phone call to see if it's convenient, or if another day might be more/slightly less inconvenient?

My parents aren't fun people to be around, They sit there with miserable faces saying either nothing, or repeating what they've just asked.

PS - This isn't a thread about how DH needs to do more - he does his fair share.

AIBU to be pissed off, and would it BU to ask them not to pop in without ringing?

Getting ready for work now, but will read any responses as soon as I can this evening.
Thanks.

Is there an age at which you can't have a short conversation with your grandparents?

Hmmmmmm is just LOVE IT if my parents could just pop in... first problem is they live 250 miles away... or at least my Dad does... my mum died in 2014 and I get to carry her around in my heart.
Let them play with the kids while you get on or rope your mum into helping!

Honestly, they won't be around forever!!

Why are you cleaning the bathroom after work? Can't you leave it - get a cleaner and enjoy your family visits

Oh yeh must be nice in your world where everyone can afford a cleaner eh?

The main point I was making was that I wouldn't have felt obliged to stop what I was doing. The op's parents wouldn't have been sat on their own - they would have had their gc to entertain them which surely would have been sufficient while the op did a couple of quick jobs

However, as the OP has said her parents aren't fun people to be around, and don't really come for a chat or to pitch in and they have an expectation that thy will be fully hosted by the adult regardless of what they were doing.

My Exs parents are like the OPs and when we were still together there was no way I have expected my DD to esentially "entertain" them while I got on with my jobs, that's not her responsibility, but they'd have been judging me the whole time for ignoring them and would then have gone on to discuss with other people in the family how rude I was to them by daring to continue. Yes my DD can spend time with them if she wants to but I am not going to make my child sit and make awkward small talk with her grandparents (which is what would have hapened as my ExPiL were the "children should be seen and not heard" type) just to appease them but then I have no intention of changing my entire evening's plans to accommodate people who just randomly show up at my door and expect me to drop everything to entertain them either.

And yes I know chores got done before the invention of Ipads, I did manage to survive without them too, you know. However, if my DD is happy playing on her tablet/watching TV/playing on a games console/reading a book for half an hour so I can blitz through the jobs I have to get done before dinner so we can relax together afterwards, and not have her trailing me round the house or asking for this that and the other, slowing me down then I will take it. Screentime might not be downtime in your house but in my house it is, provided it's in moderation and at an appropriate time (ie not after dinner or before bed but at 5pm when we get in from work/afterschool activities, go for it)

YANBU.

I think that's a busy time in most people's home; I wouldn't appreciate someone pitching up then.

However, as the OP has said her parents aren't fun people to be around, and don't really come for a chat or to pitch in and they have an expectation that thy will be fully hosted by the adult regardless of what they were doing.

Well if the op stops what she's doing and hosts then they'll continue to expect it won't they? If they're left to get on with it occasionally then the expectation of being 'hosted' will go and they might pop in less

Once my mother drove 50 miles to visit me and I went to sleep in a chair. I think she did a bit of cleaning before she left.
If you were passing by your child's house, how WOULDN'T you pop in?

This probably depends on what kind of relationship you have with your parents. My Mum has a key for my house, as do our kids, my sister, nephews and a few others, they are welcome to come and go as they please. Sometimes they say they're coming over, sometimes they pop in unannounced. If I/we are busy they can help, leave or do their own thing. I have keys for all their houses and feel comfortable 'popping in'.

Say "great of you to drop in, I could really use some help this evening, can you tackle some of the laundry pile or clean the bathroom while we chat?" They'll soon be on their way....

Sorry OP, nothing to do with the thread but just had to tell you that the reason my brother-in-law and his wife didn't come to my wedding was because of your username!

And I think kids chatting to their relatives when they visit for a short while is basic manners not some unrealistic expectation. Even if they aren't the most fun gp's on the planet.

I can't comment I don't have any family popping in to say hello. My ;family treat me the same as how you treat your parents like strangers. Don't be selfish or your kids may treat you with the same respect. We all have to get old one day and those times are lonely for people and their health deteriorates. Cut them some slack or the same will happen to you that's what you are teaching the children.

It is important for children to see their grandparents and have a relationship with them. Cant you clean and leave the children with them.

I quite like people popping in, but only if they pop in to be involved in my life, not popping in to be hosted and entertained. If they are just going to sit on the sofa and expect me to drop everything for them without notice, then that's really entitled behaviour and they would be an inconvenience.

I would either tell your parents to call in advance and if they don't tell them at the door - "Sorry it's not a good time right now, how about x day/time?" or I'd say "You're welcome to come in but I'm in the middle of Y, so you'll need to muck in. Could you do A while I C?" and just get on with what I was doing. Maybe with an offer of a cup of tea in the middle. But my family is pretty blunt with each other and my parents wouldn't be upset with that (they also wouldn't pop in when things were busy and just sit on the sofa though).

When your parents die you will miss them. You will miss them whether or not you spent hours being resentful you had to sit on the sofa hosting them at the expense of yourself and other family. You will probably feel better overall if you manage to spend some quality time with them that doesn't leave you resentful. So steering them to a time and activity that's good for you all is the way to go.

I would give my right arm for my parents to pop in. My mum died very young 30 years ago and my dad more recently. I would give anything for one more hour with them.
Laundry can wait. People are more important.

YABU Theyre your parents. End of. One day they won't be around to 'inconvenience' you, and then you'll wish more than anything that they would just pop in.

My exH's family were like this. Never ever phoned or asked in advance if it was OK to 'pop in'. They would just turn up unannounced,usually at the most inconvenient times,such as when I was trying to settle a hyperactive child into bed for the night,or just as I had arrived home after a killer shift at work of being on my feet for nearly 8 hours. Then wonder why I wasn't overjoyed to see them! I came to realise over the years that the reason they never asked in advance if it was convenient to visit was because they knew damn well it wasn't,but didn't want to give me the opportunity to say so. Thankfully now I'm divorced from exH I don't have this problem any more.

YANBU. People who "pop in" are a massive, inconsiderate pain in the arse. Tell them not to, pretend you're just on your way out, or simply don't answer the door next time (depending on the level of confrontation you can handle). My MIL soon took the hint.

Hi
You say great lovely to see you. Perfect timing. I don't suppose you could watch dc2 whilst I run dc1 to ballet. Or great. I'm a bit snowed under could you peel the spuds.
If they pop in they can't expect you to stand on ceremony and entertain them. Engage them in your family life. It will either work for all or they will see it's difficult and book a visit another time

I'd be devastated if my children, with families of their own, ever thought that about me. Saying that, I totally get what you mean, when my pain in the arse mother used to do that, I'd clam up feeling angry at her because all I'd want to do is tell her to leave, but of course we don't, we just sit there feeling resentful. You're tired after work and a bit of understanding wouldn't go a misss, I'd never just pop in unannounced because I know my sons and their wives work hard, and all they want to do at the end of the day is rest, so me and their dad would knock at a much more appropriate time, tell your mum and dad it's called "consideration"

We Brits aren't good with unexpected visitors, generally, even parents! Years ago I had a boyfriend who'd stayed the night and my Dad rang the doorbell that morning. I couldn't let him in (it was only a bedsit) and I knew he was puzzled about why I kept him talking on the doorstep! Looking back on it, he'd probably guessed but my family weren't the type to discuss things like that.

You have family routines in the evening and unexpected visitors are going to disrupt things, even parents, yours don't sound particularly accommodating TBH.

However, as the OP has said her parents aren't fun people to be around, and don't really come for a chat or to pitch in and they have an expectation that thy will be fully hosted by the adult regardless of what they were doing.

This is the bit at the heart of the issue. If the OP's parents were the "muck in and chat" type, I bet the OP wouldn't have been so stressed about it.

I don't really like people who pop in, for this reason. Some people muck in and others just expect full on entertainment. It's this second type that piss me off, as they are basically saying that their wants and desires trump whatever you are doing at that time.

If I thought either of our daughters were saying this about me, I would be utterly devastated.

And you'd probably check and change your behaviour, because if they were saying this about you it would be because you were being a pain?

Gawd, it's like a club meeting for the Patient Griseldas. It is not evil to dislike someone who is not fun to be with, and who makes being with them unpleasant. Whether a person is liked and welcomed by others is on them: it's not some weird social responsibility that it's naughty to fail at.

People saying oh but I love it when my random relative pops, well how lovely for you. The OP doesn't. Of my various family, most are easy to entertain, would follow me around with a mug of tea and chat, would lift me not make things harder. My MiL and DM would muck straight in and halve the work I was doing. My FiL, sweetheart though he is, would want me to stop what I was doing, position him with tea and food, and will then stare at me expectantly waiting for me to say something of interest. He will then answer in a single syllable and then stare at me again waiting for my next entertainment of him. Love him, but he's damn hard work, and would be oblivious to any other demand on my time. The others can pop, he can't. I have to be free to handle him, he's high maintenance.

And no, I don't have to get a cleaner, buy books on better organising my time so I can be at his beck and call, or panic about one day he'll be dead and I'll hate myself, I just need to schedule him for visits when I have time to focus on him.

All four would have the basic consideration not to waltz in on a busy evening and expect me - or anyone else - just to drop everything. Especially when anyone with any sensitivity to others would see I was harrassed and not ready to entertain.

OP of course YANBU.

Laguna it's not about whether you can afford a cleaner or not, it's about making choices. A cleaner 2 hours a week doesn't have to cost much. If cleaning is stressing one out so much then lower ones standards. Why get so stressed over a dirty sink. I just don't get it. Choose another way to live if it's so stressful

I do have relatives who expect you to drop everything and entertain, I simply refuse to do so. Words such as "You will have to hang on for a natter til I've done this" or "put the kettle on will you, I'll join you after I've done so and so" repeated til they either do as requested, simply sit and wait or get cheesed off and leave.

They are in your house, you are in control of the situation. In our world, they are family, so no, don't need to schedule a "visit" - but need to fit in, muck in or simply wait.

would not dream of having to make an appointment to see my mum, or for her to make an appointment to see me, and have found amongst my friends that those who don't like pop-ins from their family are the ones who generally see even arranged family visits as a duty to be endured.