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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

"We thought we'd pop in!"

232 replies

ArsenalsPlayingAtHome · 21/02/2017 06:45

Last night my parents "popped in". I'd been in from work for about 20 minutes, during which time I'd said a brief "hello" to DH & children, and immediately started ploughing through the laundry. Had plans to change the sheets on our bed, and give the bathroom a quick clean before starting to cook the tea.

I'm exhausted by the time the DCs are going to bed, and wanted to get as much as done as possible while they were happily spending time on their tablets, so that after tea I could spend a bit of time with them without being knackered and irritable.

I work FT, have very little time to do anything between getting in from work and sorting the kids out at bedtime. Our children have various hobbies, one of which means that either myself of DH are out with at least 1 DC for at least an hour and a half every evening.

Now, I'm not moaning about how busy we are, but AIBU to be pissed off that, knowing how busy we are, my parents decide to "pop in" with not so much as a phone call to see if it's convenient, or if another day might be more/slightly less inconvenient?

My parents aren't fun people to be around, They sit there with miserable faces saying either nothing, or repeating what they've just asked.

PS - This isn't a thread about how DH needs to do more - he does his fair share.

AIBU to be pissed off, and would it BU to ask them not to pop in without ringing?

Getting ready for work now, but will read any responses as soon as I can this evening.
Thanks.

OP posts:
MrsWonkasEmergencyChocolate · 21/02/2017 07:30

I adore my parents and I still wouldn't want them just popping in. I would probably text something like "Sorry if I seemed a bit flustered last night; I had had a really busy day and was just in the middle of a load of housework! It was lovely to see you, but if you could give me a ring next time you're hoping to pop up that would be great as often our weekday evenings are like that! Weekends tend to be better and I can have a proper catch up with you!"

rollonthesummer · 21/02/2017 07:37

Fast forward twenty years to when you're the one wanting to pop in and see your DCs who don't welcome you! How will that feel?

I don't recall ever 'popping in' to see anyone-my parents included. I know how much I hate it so I will always send a quick text/call to see when is convenient. I like it when people do the same to me and would do that with my own children in future too.

Buddah101 · 21/02/2017 07:40

I know its been said already, but honestly is it the worst thing in the world that could happen that your own parents want to see you.

My nan was forever popping in, (and I was exactly like you, moaned to everyone who would listen about how inconvenient it was, and how annoying it was), She died 2 years ago and I would give anything for her to just pop in 1 more time. No help to you now as this still obviously frustrates you but just think ahead to the future when they wont be around, and try and enjoy them now.

Boredbeforeievenbegan · 21/02/2017 07:43

What do you want to do? Never see them? Maybe your children could have put their tablets down and chatted to them while you nipped back and forth? It takes about two minutes to put washing in a machine.

Sung · 21/02/2017 07:46

YANBU - but you need to let them know (in a nice way like MrsWonka suggested). DH fought this boundary with his parents - they genuinely didn't seem to really understand how things couldn't just be shifted to later after an impromptu visit (MIL didn't work, FIL worked a 9-5 job with a very short commute and never did overtime, and their kids didn't do afterschool clubs) - well they could be but I would rather be asleep then.

stonecircle · 21/02/2017 07:47

Sad that you want them to make an appointment to see you all. Maybe skip the chores for one night? Or if you are wedded to a tight schedule then just get in with it and leave them with the kids. Can't see the problem.

Laiste · 21/02/2017 07:48

When your parents are too old to pop in, you'll regret it. Well clearly not as it's pissing OP off when they do.

And all this when they're dead you'll be sorry shite is so patronizing!

Complain about anyone else - sister, husband, child, neighbor - and you never get this answer. Awwww let them do what they like because when they're dead you'll be sorry. ?? Jesus.

SoulAccount · 21/02/2017 07:51

It's the problem with our busy, busy lives.
Maybe they feel they never see you or the kids.
Get them over occasionally and get them to spend time with the kids instead of the kids being on their tablets while you do chores.

Euripidesralph · 21/02/2017 07:56

I don't understand the guilt tripping " you'll regret when they are too old to pop in"??

Err no

Firstly op I actually agree with you , my parents (and any sane person) wouldn't pop in at anytime. ...I've got two kids under the age of 5 and work full time. ..most would consider it ato best disrespectful athe worse bloody ridiculous, they know I'm making dinner giving baths (mediating between whichever toy they both desperately want despite neither paying attention to it for 3 weeks prior )

If the conversation hasn't been had yet it's worth saying " much as I love seeing you can you be aware weekdays are a bit tough let's have quality time together at a better time"

I was surprised to find after the one occasion my mother did this she actually listened (and honestly the woman has bat shit crazy inclinations so it was a shock)

If you've already tried this honestly I would turn them away once (which I had to do to most definitely bat shit crazy MIL) , usually only takes once to get the message across

I get it ....my time with my children is very precious ito not a small thing to impact on that

And the argument "well what about the grandparents feelings" doesn't wash , they can see them at other times and frankly if a family member doesn't want to be considerate then why would their feelings come first?

MrsWonkasEmergencyChocolate · 21/02/2017 07:59

There are often similar threads on MN and people say "but what about when your DC's are grown up and YOU want to pop in?" I don't like people dropping in of an evening because we have a young DC who isn't a good sleeper, and when DP gets home we have a quick chat, I cook, we eat, one of us cleans up, the other gets DC ready for bed and we have to sit in with them till they are asleep at the moment. About an hour later we tend to fall asleep as we are so knackered! At the weekend we might be on our way out, trying to relax, or for the short time DC naps during the day it's basically the only opportunity for us to DTD when we aren't shattered! That might be an over-share but for us that's the reality of life with a toddler!
Also, when my MIL used to turn up unannounced she would more or less do an inspection. DP was like "if she turns up and walks round with her nose in the air that's her problem, she can't expect it to be immaculate if she drops in" but I felt really judged because she would see that as me failing to live up to her standards as I'm a SAHM, and actually I would always clear up before guests given the chance, so I don't like my lived-in house to be used as something to slag me off for!

All that considered, I would text my DC and see if it's convenient to drop in so as not to put out them or their partner if they have one!

Araminta99 · 21/02/2017 07:59

Agree with CactusFred. YABU.

clumsyduck · 21/02/2017 08:05

Not a dig op as on a busy day my reaction may be Similair
But this got me thinking how sad really that were all so busy rushing / working long days / cleaning blah blah that parents can't be spared 20 mins and a cuppa
Sad

EmeraldScorn · 21/02/2017 08:08

Imagine how many times your parents wanted to "have other plans" or had "things to do" but couldn't because their lives had to revolve around you as a child.

I can guarantee that they had to look at your "miserable" face on more than one occasion, as well as having to constantly repeat themselves when you asked the same questions constantly.

Working full time isn't an excuse to be a bitch; I'd hate it if my mum felt she had to phone ahead to seek my approval to visit!

mando12345 · 21/02/2017 08:09

if it was my mum and dad, I would just say brightly can you play with the children for a few minutes while I do some jobs. They can then get some good quality time with the children (and the children are off their tablets) while you whiz through your jobs. Washing takes no time, not long to change bed, and just a quick whip round the bathroom, half an hour at the most. They could then have a cup of tea with you and chat while you make tea. The children could play with their tablets then.

StrangeLookingParasite · 21/02/2017 08:10

YABU. They won't be here forever and they're just being friendly.

No, they're being inconsiderate.

My Mum pops into my sister's sometimes...not often...but she gets so hurt when my sister is all short with her and acts like she's a pain. She knows my sister's busy but she still wants to see her. When your parents are too old to pop in, you'll regret it.

So she wants what she wants regardless of the other person. Bit selfish, eh? And what Laiste said re this 'you'll be sorry when they're dead' patronising crap.

No, you're not unreasonable to expect some kind of notice.

ArgyMargy · 21/02/2017 08:12

YANBU but if you don't say something they will never know they're pissing you off. Just ask them to ring ahead to see if it's convenient and remind them that sometimes it won't be convenient.

ArgyMargy · 21/02/2017 08:14

I would never "drop in" on my DM as she would hate it and vice versa.

MrsWonkasEmergencyChocolate · 21/02/2017 08:14

Clumsy- I agree that it's a shame if that's the case, but not wanting unannounced visitors doesn't mean not seeing them though. If my mum/MIL rang and asked if we were free then even if I was busy I would be unlikely to say no, but would be able to say "yep, give me 15 minutes" and run round tidying, or just mentally adjust my expectations for a quiet evening with DP (I'm an introvert), or if things were too hectic I could then say "we could pop up on Saturday morning if it suits you?" But if they turn up without checking if it suits us I'm going to feel stressed and in the case of my MIL a bit ambushed as she will undoubtedly judge anything that isn't spotless.

PlumsGalore · 21/02/2017 08:15

If my mum pops in when I am busy she just sits in the kitchen whilst I do what I am doing, she makes us a cuppa or talks to the kids. I don't understand why it is such an issue. I guess your relationship with your parents is different to mine.

When mine pop in I don't sit them down, get the best China out and sit with them making idle chat. They pop in and integrate.

I do agre though that poppers in that do demand attention are a PiA.

Bluebellevergreen · 21/02/2017 08:15

The way I was raised was that you dont pop in. You call in advance. Always. I am from a different country, if that means anything.
Even if I was going to see my grandparents, who loved the visits (grandma pretty much housebound) I would call first.
I think it is rude and it would put me in a bad mood if people just showed up.

For those saying that it is a shame and parents wont be here forever, I still dont understand how making a phone call and waiting a couple of days means you are a bad daughter

RhiWrites · 21/02/2017 08:16

There is no need for popping in in the 21dt century. You can text to ask if now's a good time.

And if you do pop then you should be prepared for people to be too busy to entertain you. You'd get a better reaction if you have them warming.

Palomb · 21/02/2017 08:17

yabu for putting changing the sheets on your bed over spending half an hour with your parents.

Very strange priorities.

dustarr73 · 21/02/2017 08:20

Imagine how many times your parents wanted to "have other plans" or had "things to do" but couldn't because their lives had to revolve around you as a child.

Thats not teh same thing at all,they chose to have a child.I hate dropper inners,does my nut in.Im a sahm and i like my peace when kids are in school.Thats my time to unwind.

Iamastonished · 21/02/2017 08:20

Why can't the children drop one of the hobbies? Being busy all the time isn't good for anybody. Surely they need some down time as do you?

paganmolloy · 21/02/2017 08:22

Tough one. My Mum can't just pop in but she always calls at the most inconvenient times. I feel rotten if I'm short with her coz I know she's probably thought about when best to phone (or maybe not) but it is always just at that time when kids have just gotten home from school and it's mayhem getting a snack, getting them to an activity etc. I want to be able to chat without sounding short with her but things have changes so much since her day she just has no idea. She always says I do too much. I don't, it's just life now and as she has always done virtually nothing, anything seems busy in comparison. Last night DS came in from school and wanted to learn how to poach an egg. Just as my mum calls. Sometimes I just feel caught between two worlds and want to give both my best shot. Funnily enough if I call her at a convenient time (say 7.30/8 in the evening) she is clearly irked coz she's watching her soaps :) I try to adopt a smile and wave tactic, nodding away. But like yours OP she doesn't say that much or tells me the minutiae of her day which I've no space in my brain to cope with, but I indulge her as it's important to her. It's like having another older child to deal with sometimes but she's in her late 80s and won't be here for ever.