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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

"We thought we'd pop in!"

232 replies

ArsenalsPlayingAtHome · 21/02/2017 06:45

Last night my parents "popped in". I'd been in from work for about 20 minutes, during which time I'd said a brief "hello" to DH & children, and immediately started ploughing through the laundry. Had plans to change the sheets on our bed, and give the bathroom a quick clean before starting to cook the tea.

I'm exhausted by the time the DCs are going to bed, and wanted to get as much as done as possible while they were happily spending time on their tablets, so that after tea I could spend a bit of time with them without being knackered and irritable.

I work FT, have very little time to do anything between getting in from work and sorting the kids out at bedtime. Our children have various hobbies, one of which means that either myself of DH are out with at least 1 DC for at least an hour and a half every evening.

Now, I'm not moaning about how busy we are, but AIBU to be pissed off that, knowing how busy we are, my parents decide to "pop in" with not so much as a phone call to see if it's convenient, or if another day might be more/slightly less inconvenient?

My parents aren't fun people to be around, They sit there with miserable faces saying either nothing, or repeating what they've just asked.

PS - This isn't a thread about how DH needs to do more - he does his fair share.

AIBU to be pissed off, and would it BU to ask them not to pop in without ringing?

Getting ready for work now, but will read any responses as soon as I can this evening.
Thanks.

OP posts:
NormaSmuff · 21/02/2017 08:24

when we moved close to my dm she said she looked at our house, looked through the window.
i said I hope you dont do this when we live there Shock

she remembered that and always calls guilt trips me for a visit.

midsummabreak · 21/02/2017 08:24

agree with clumsyduck
^Not a dig op as on a busy day my reaction may be Similair
But this got me thinking how sad really that were all so busy rushing / working long days / cleaning blah blah that parents can't be spared 20 mins and a cuppa^
It is a very busy time when you have ageing parents and young children. Somehow we squeeze in time for both.
When my Mum was confident to drive I would meet her for lunch near work (not always fun, as she is a fuss pot, but sometimes was nice). Now I sometimes travel an hour to see her after work, with my youngest tow children with me. Although it is a late night- that leaves at least a bit more time on weekends free (and she sees my siblings on weekend, so it's often week days that are lonely for her).

In the past, I wouldn't 'stand on ceremony' if mum popped in when I was in the middle of things (she can't drive at night now, so I don't have that issue). I would tell her to make herself a drink while I finish what i was doing, then sit down, and share a cuppa with her.

MitchellMummy · 21/02/2017 08:24

I always phone my DM before dropping round (even if I'm close to her home at the time). It's not necessarily about whether she's busy, but I appreciate notice (to ensure the sink isn't full of dirty cups and the underwear's off the radiators etc)!

Applesandpears23 · 21/02/2017 08:31

Depending on the children's ages either ask the kids to look after their grandparents or visa versa. That's what I do when my in laws come around and they love spending time with my daughter. I assume they want to see the kids more not you especially and don't feel guilty.

CherryChasingDotMuncher · 21/02/2017 08:41

YANBU, I think it's extremely rude to pop in on an evening unannounced even for parents, especially if they're going to be miserable! Thank god my mum loves abroad otherwise she'd constantly do this, she gets pissy if I don't answer her calls first time even when she calls at lunchtime when she knows I'll be making the kids lunches.

CherryChasingDotMuncher · 21/02/2017 08:52

And all this when they're dead you'll be sorry shite is so patronizing!

Absolutely! You can't live your life as if everyone around you is gonna drop dead any moment.

People also want to remember that not everyone has great relationships with their parents, and that is down to the parents not the children.

diddl · 21/02/2017 08:54

"I lost my mum a few years back I wish she could just pop in the house work can wait you wont have your parents for ever"

Oh good grief!

Perhaps your mum would have helped, engaged with the kids whilst you got on or not been miserable?

Nanna50 · 21/02/2017 09:05

I think it is a sign of today's busy lives, working full time, kids with extra activities to go to, expectations of a clean and tidy home, cooking from scratch etc. How much time does that leave for each other? And how the fuck does a SP do it?
I remember how irritated I used to feel if my mother popped in when I just got in and she used to talk while I was making dinner and I used to think, just let me get in from work and get my breath.
One day I just thought stuff it, does it matter if we have beans on toast or a micro meal, does it matter if the house is untidy, the dishwasher needs emptying or there's a tide mark round the bath. No, what matters is that we connect, give each other some attention and make some memories.
When I was growing up women were constantly being told you can have it all we can't, we just end up doing it all. I loved working part time and having time to do the housework, shopping, make the meals and relax when my husband came home from work. Yes, financially we all had to go without (including the kids) but we had more time for each other and our family was more harmonious.

troodiedoo · 21/02/2017 09:06

I work at home and my dad pops in once a week when he knows I'm on my lunch break. I dread it because I just want to rest and not speak to anyone and/or put a wash load on. Have tried saying I'm busy or tired then he just pops in Un announced another time Angry tricky one to deal with!

LearningHowToFly · 21/02/2017 09:17

YANBU my in laws do the unannounced popping in. It drives me daft, they don't even knock but just walk right into the lounge and settle themselves down regardless of what we're doing. BIL was here for 40minutes on Sunday with his DDs, DH wasn't even in, I just made him a coffee (only as I was having one myself) and then carried on as if he wasn't there.

Nanna50 · 21/02/2017 09:17

Jeez I hope my children never dread a once a week cuppa with me Sad

Nanna50 · 21/02/2017 09:19

LearningHowToFly I would be having bolts put on my door that's very intrusive.

decemberdaze · 21/02/2017 09:24

Unannounced visits are like a spot inspection to me. Sweet but bonkers rellies do this me, then they keep asking if I am alright. Er, no, I've got a bath getting cold and there's only enough food for OH and me for our meal.

They do it this way because they don't want to be put off visiting. Angry

NeedsAsockamnesty · 21/02/2017 09:25

If you have stuff to do every day putting off one day's jobs doubles the next days

nannybeach · 21/02/2017 09:25

Why are you changing beds after coming home from work, you need better time management skills, there is a brilliant book written by 2 guys unfortunately I cannot find it, about shortages of everything time, money, its very sensible. I worked full time nights, plus often a day job had 4 kids, a huge garden, dogs cats chicken, AND I am very houseproud, just so you dont think I was a slob! I planned what I need to do military style.Course, we dont know if you LIKe your parents, My parents if there were still alive would be 80,90s now and were not the "popping in" generation, my Mum was my best friend and dead at 64, I saw them every week and really glad of it. I am happy for people to just op in, apart from the fact I have moved 50 miles away from friends and family (retirement,downsize)

MuseumOfCurry · 21/02/2017 09:29

I agree that the 'you'll be sorry when they're dead' posts are manipulative and unhelpful.

OP works full-time, has young children and unhelpful parents stopping by at dinner time. If they're not hands-on grandparents they have no business being there during the rush hour.

CherryChasingDotMuncher · 21/02/2017 09:29

FGS no one isn't saying they don't want to see their parents, but they'd like a phone call first at least!

I hope that when I'm older I'm not inconsiderate enough to just push myself on my kids when it suits me, and that if it did they'd be able to tell me.

Laiste · 21/02/2017 09:30

My dear dad passed away 5 years ago. I loved him dearly and I'd give anything for him to pop in right now. Of course. I miss him. BUT when he was alive and would do the 'pop in' unannounced thing with mum it used to drive me mad.

I'm not going to guilt trip myself about that. We did have good family times together, i just always hated the popping in thing and it never made for a good visit.

My mum can't 'pop in' anymore because she can't drive and I don't feel sad or guilty about that either! Me and the kids drive to see her and it's all good.

MuseumOfCurry · 21/02/2017 09:30

Why are you changing beds after coming home from work, you need better time management skills,

You have no basis to make such a statement. Doing a little bit every evening might be how the OP runs her house efficiently.

CherryChasingDotMuncher · 21/02/2017 09:31

When is an optimal time to change beds nanny? Confused obviously it's whenever one had time...which is obviously why the OP is doing it after work.

clumsyduck · 21/02/2017 09:36

No as I say i do get the op I have felt the same on occasion but it just got me thinking that its sad how there is always so much rushing around and stress ( I live alone with Dc work etc etc ) that I too may have been a bit stressed at then popping in. I reckon back when my mum was young family friends and neighbours all just popped round unannounced for a cuppa !

CigarsofthePharoahs · 21/02/2017 09:36

I think that dropping in totally unannounced is usually a bad idea.
Its all very well saying "Oh well, those chores could have waited." but from the sounds of it the op has very little down time. Should she end up having to stay up late to finish up, or just ignore the chores so she ends up with grotty sheets?
I can only look at the example of my own mum who will always contact me first if she wants to come over and if I'm having a busy time with chores she will either offer to help, or will spend time with my children so I can get on uninterrupted.
The op didn't get any of that, just two people who seemed rather determined to be grumpy.

CurlyhairedAssassin · 21/02/2017 09:39

Nannybeach, yes I'm curious too as to when the optimal time to household tasks is when you work full time, have kids and your DH is working even longer hours than you

Do you get your kids involved in the chores? I'm not being facetious, I'm genuinely interested whether I'm doing things the wrong way.

CurlyhairedAssassin · 21/02/2017 09:41

Oh and I agree, life was so much more fun and easy on everyone in the family when I worked part time. Unfortunately that isn't possible at the moment and it isn't for most families these days.

Frazzled2207 · 21/02/2017 09:44

Yanbu I would hate this, fortunately my parents and PiLs would never pop in unannounced-
Not particularly local.
They might ask to come at relatively short notice (to see the kids not us!) which case I'd suggest another night or say ok but put them in charge of feeding/sorting out the kids.