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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To burn my sons exgf stuff....

277 replies

imnotpregnantanymore · 21/02/2017 03:29

After shes burnt all of his and publicly shamed him on facefook.

He left quite a bit with her. New clothes that i had brought for him and she wore and never brought back. PS3 and PS4 games,music cds,and sone other peraonal items including a blanket his grandmother gave him as a baby.
He tried to arrange to get them back. She went total bitch on him. Shes burnt them. Put pics alongside nasty comments regarding it all.
The girls fukin bitch mother has also liked the pics.

So... aibu to do the same but minus the silly public pics and comments. My son is all for it.
Im fuming Angry

OP posts:
Aderyn2016 · 21/02/2017 13:40

But mostly,...back off.... He is 18 and shouldn't need a mummy to fight his battles.

That was how you finished your post. Obviously your definitions of blunt and snidey differ from mine.

Willow2016 · 21/02/2017 13:41

Posted too soon.

Hell we have all been heartbroken at some point but we dont all burn the ex's stuff. Doesnt matter what she wanted or what she wants in the future, it was a criminal offence and if she is old enough to do it and boast about it then she is old enough to face the consequences.

BillSykesDog · 21/02/2017 13:41

but you are happy for a potentially very young girl to pay for a case of badly handled heartbreak for the rest of her life

Yes. Because if her impulse control is this poor she should not be in a position of authority over the sick, elderly or children.

Trainspotting1984 · 21/02/2017 13:43

Bill you're wrong and your definition makes no sense, simply describing the who the perpetrators of abuse are, not what they doHmm

Gottagetmoving · 21/02/2017 13:46

Obviously your definitions of blunt and snidey differ from mine

Indeed they do. I can only repeat,..I call that blunt,..you call it snidey...we could go on...

BillSykesDog · 21/02/2017 13:49

It's not my definition. It's the government definition taken from the citizens advice bureau. And yes, it was relevant as you have several times sought to minimise this abuse by claiming that it isn't abuse or doesn't matter if the relationship is over, which is rubbish.

As for 'what they do' that includes 'harassment' which is a criminal offence. They define that as:

Harassment happens when you receive unwanted behaviour from another person which alarms or distresses you. Examples of harassment include malicious phone calls, threatening texts, threatening and insulting language and damage to property.

Which certainly includes what this girl is doing. So official sources agree that both who she is and what she does are abuse. She is an abuser. Legally, what she is doing is abuse.

Trainspotting1984 · 21/02/2017 13:50

You have no idea whether legally what she is doing is abuse and it is shockingly arrogant to pretend you do.

I did not say it can't be abuse because the relationship is over - where did I say that? I have said many time people react poorly to break ups. But that that does not make them an abuser

Aderyn2016 · 21/02/2017 13:55

Trainspotting, are you really arguing that setting fire to someone's belongings, going to their house to scream at them and threatening to kill them can be described as something other than abusive?

MN is a weird place sometimes.

EatsShitAndLeaves · 21/02/2017 13:55

The ex seems to thrive on drama, from what you've posted.

All the more reason for you and your son to not give her what she wants.

Screenshot her FB pictures and comments and then report her to the police.

If she comes to your home again - report her.

Don't engage with her directly any further. She's deliberately trying to provoke you both. Don't give her the satisfaction.

Trainspotting1984 · 21/02/2017 13:56

I'm as surprised as anyone. To think, to legally define someone as an abuser, we think we need the police, cps, judge and jury- when all we need is a quick post on mumsnet and a bit of googling from BIllsykes. You could save the country a fortune

Aderyn2016 · 21/02/2017 14:02

By that logic we cannot define anything as fact without running it by the police etc.

There is no doubt that she did these things - the police have already witnessed some of it and the rest is self confessed on fb. It isn't just the OP accusing her.

BillSykesDog · 21/02/2017 14:02

Don't be disingenuous trainspotting. You're claiming that even if she's done it she's not an abuser because it's just what people do when they break up. But that's not true, there is a legal definition and it covers what she's done.

You can make any sarky answers you like, but a legal definition from a government site is a lot more reliable than one poster stuck in the 1970s who thinks people should just 'get over it'.

Gottagetmoving · 21/02/2017 14:03

Trainspotting, are you really arguing that setting fire to someone's belongings, going to their house to scream at them and threatening to kill them can be described as something other than abusive?

Happy to say I am in agreement with you on this... Smile It IS definitely abusive.

EurusHolmesViolin · 21/02/2017 14:04

I note that some posters have suggested that reporting the ex to the police will mess up her life by preventing her from getting any job involving a DBS check. This is not true. As long as she is open about any caution or conviction an employer should only refuse to employ her if the offence is relevant to the role.

In practice, employers can and do withdraw offers on some spurious pretext when things like this come to light, or fail the employee on probation. Provided they're not silly enough to bring up the person's sex, race etc, there's very little recourse. It's not universal by any means, but it happens. Even a caution can have a significant impact on a person's life: not will, but can.

I'd be going to the police...

WhispersOnTheWind · 21/02/2017 14:14

OP, what a vicious, spiteful twat the ex-gf is, I totally understand how enraged you must feel on behalf of your son. YANBU to want to do it and throw her on the pyre because that kind of provocation would make anyone mad as fire but you already know YWBU to make yourself as bad as her. As pps have said call the police and hopefully you'll get some kind of legal comeback plus you'll keep the moral high ground.

Justanothernameonthepage · 21/02/2017 14:30

Another one adding to the chorus of involve the police. I've had a crappy break up before and would not in a million years decide to get revenge by destroying other people's property (burning the odd photo that you own is more normal). If nothing else, it sends the message to your son that he's worth more than being an emotional punching bag for anyone elses emotions. It also ensures that the ex learns how to behave, something she obviously isn't learning anywhere else.

OfaFrenchmind2 · 21/02/2017 14:37

Trainspotting, what did you do? I feel like you are minimising the assholish behaviour of the ex, and that makes me wonder on why you would be so opiniated about it...

2boysDad · 21/02/2017 14:39

There's another important reason why you really need to take this to the Police. It might get worse.

First the ex-GF threatens to kill your son and camps outside your house.
Then it escalates to physical damage (albeit it of property).

I would be concerned that if this doesn't "hurt your son enough" in the ex-GFs eyes that she might escalate again and do something even more damaging.

Your post really strikes a nerve for me as I had something similar when I was younger and it was only resolved when I did something about it (police and HR Dept)

I really think you need to call the police about this NOW.

user1487064897 · 21/02/2017 14:43

To all those saying he is an adult and also it's just what young people do when they're heartbroken.
I am currently hiding an 18 year old girl and her baby in my home because her 19 year old boyfriend took her to the middle of nowhere at 2am last Saturday and told her he could kill and leave her there and no one would ever find her (with no other witnesses)
Silly me I thought we were supposed to support victims of abuse when what I should have done is told her "well you're grown ups and you can sort this out yourself". And I also should not have advised her to go to the police as apparently it's ruins a persons life when you report their illegal behaviour. Ah well I'll just tell her to pack up her things and fuck when I get home then as I've been going about this all wrong apparently

LauraMarling · 21/02/2017 14:51

His baby blanket ?

sotiredbutworthit · 21/02/2017 14:54

Call the police. This girl is clearly unhinged. Your poor son. Xxx

Trainspotting1984 · 21/02/2017 14:57

I haven't done anything, I've never had an ex. I can think of 4 non abusive people i know who have cut up their ex boyfriends clothes in revenge though.

OfaFrenchmind2 · 21/02/2017 15:02

Just because you know them and like them does not absolve them from being petty abusers. Abuse does not have to be a punch in the face or a verbal put down. It can also be willingly depriving somebody from ressources, or fond souvenirs.

BoneyBackJefferson · 21/02/2017 15:09

Trainspotting1984

Just because you like them doesn't mean that they are not arseholes.

brummiesue · 21/02/2017 15:13

God this thread is depressing, if the OP's child was a daughter people would be outraged
Please listen and report this girl to the police, hopefully it will give her a shock and make her rethink her behaviour