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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To burn my sons exgf stuff....

277 replies

imnotpregnantanymore · 21/02/2017 03:29

After shes burnt all of his and publicly shamed him on facefook.

He left quite a bit with her. New clothes that i had brought for him and she wore and never brought back. PS3 and PS4 games,music cds,and sone other peraonal items including a blanket his grandmother gave him as a baby.
He tried to arrange to get them back. She went total bitch on him. Shes burnt them. Put pics alongside nasty comments regarding it all.
The girls fukin bitch mother has also liked the pics.

So... aibu to do the same but minus the silly public pics and comments. My son is all for it.
Im fuming Angry

OP posts:
Trainspotting1984 · 21/02/2017 12:48

Woops- barbarianmum burning an ex's belongings isn't particularly uncommon especially amongst younger people (along with cutting up his clothes if you like)

I wouldn't say that is abusive at all. Childish, but not abusive.

SanitysSake · 21/02/2017 12:51

Straight to the police.

Willow2016 · 21/02/2017 12:54

SO sad to see so many people saying 'forget it', 'man up', 'its his problem' etc. This is a young man who has been threatened, been harrassed and now had all his possessions burned wtaf?

No matter how old my sons are when they need me for support I will be there, its simple, I am their mum. If they cant rely on me who can they rely on?

If this was a girl who had been ill and unable to go out and her bf had went ballistic cos she was sick and couldnt see him for a week, sat on her driveway and made so much fuss and threats that passers by phoned the police there would be a whole different slant on this thread. Wow the ds had the temerity to get ill and she didnt care she wanted attention. Then she burns all his stuff and displays it on fb with the encouragement of her mum and its ok!!

No wonder men rarely report dv if this is the level of 'support they can expect from friends and family.

OP IS NOT going to burn her stuff... she has said so over and over again, she just felt like it, like many of us would in the circumstances.

BarbarianMum · 21/02/2017 12:54

OK well it maybe because I'm an older person then, but to me destroying someone else's possessions is clearly abusive.

LagunaBubbles · 21/02/2017 12:55

I find it interesting that so many posters believe that the OP's son must have done something wrong to "provoke" this woman in to action

I think it's because it's hard to imagine such extreme behaviour for no reason at all

So of course that implies people think he has done something to "deserve" the abuse then? Absolute crap and totally sexist double standards. The level of that in some of these replies is disgusting - just because the victim is male and not female. I bet none of you question a female victim of abuses behaviour - asking yourself what she has done to be on the receiving end of abuse eh?

Trainspotting1984 · 21/02/2017 12:55

Well we'll agree to disagree. I think abuse is more serious than that. I doubt it's age related, used to be even more of a thing in the 80s- don't tell me you haven't heard the jokes about cutting up his suits.

LagunaBubbles · 21/02/2017 12:57

I wouldn't say that is abusive at all. Childish, but not abusive

Of course its abusive. Stop trying to make excuses for her behaviour.

LagunaBubbles · 21/02/2017 12:59

Deliberately destroying a blanket that has such an emotional meaning to someone from their childhood is really low and abusive in my eyes - its sending out quite a powerful message - look what I can do, look at the control I can have over your emotional reactions.

Gottagetmoving · 21/02/2017 13:01

This is a young man who has been threatened, been harrassed and now had all his possessions burned wtaf?

Absolutely no one thinks this is right.
No one thinks a parent should not support him.

The point is a mother should not be considering retaliation or backing up her son retaliating. OK,..the OP has since said she has told her son not to burn his GF's things,..but her AIBU was about doing that!
She also referred to the girls mother as a fukin bitch so it would appear both parties are not above being abusive.
An 18 year old is capabale of contacting the police.
There is no indication the lad is scared.

No one knows both sides of this story but neither come out well...both are prepared to do stupid things to hurt each other.

Trainspotting1984 · 21/02/2017 13:02

Says who Laguna? Apologises if you are actually the person who sets the criteria of abusive, but I am pretty sure you are not.

Stormwhale · 21/02/2017 13:18

Train - I would have thought it is pretty clear to anyone that purposefully destroying someone's belongings out of spite is abusive behaviour. It is certainly not what I would accept in a relationship. Plus laguna clearly stated 'in my eyes', so s/he is just giving his/her opinion on the matter, not declaring it as law.

Aderyn2016 · 21/02/2017 13:19

Gotta stop trying to weasel out of what you said by attempting to put blame on the OP. If you are going to be snidey, which you were, then own it.

Kids don't wake up on their 18th birthdays as fully fledged adults. It is a process. I am in my 40s and I still need support from my parents at times. That is what family does.

Trainspotting1984 · 21/02/2017 13:21

It's not in a relationship. It's a relationship that has broken up, and revenge including destroying belongings is a fairly common, if Undesirable, reaction for many non abusive people

Butteredpars1ps · 21/02/2017 13:21

Re ruining the girls life by spitefully getting her a criminal record.

If she gets a criminal record it will be because she committed a crime

Would you want the girl friend in a profession requiring a DBS? Perhaps she could teach your child or nurse your much loved granny?

Gottagetmoving · 21/02/2017 13:23

Gotta stop trying to weasel out of what you said by attempting to put blame on the OP. If you are going to be snidey, which you were, then own it. Kids don't wake up on their 18th birthdays as fully fledged adults. It is a process. I am in my 40s and I still need support from my parents at times. That is what family does

Again,..another one who has not bothered to read what was actually said. I don't 'weasel' but the irony of you accusing someone of being snidey by being snidey yourself is brilliant.
We ALL need support!! What we don't need is a mother who calls someone else's mother a Fukin bitch and considers retaliation instead of advising to follow the proper channels and risk escalating an already stupid situation.
NO one is arguing about offering 'support'
I

Stormwhale · 21/02/2017 13:25

Right, so if they were still in a relationship, you would agree that it is abusive then? I don't agree that because the relationship has ended, the behaviour is not abusive. You can most definitely have an abusive ex partner. Have a chat with women's aid if you are unclear on the matter. This young woman has shown herself to be abusive: screaming abuse outside the house, threats to kill, destroying belongings. She most definitely fits my criteria for abusive ex partner.

Aderyn2016 · 21/02/2017 13:28

I read your first comment and then your subsequent ones.
OP has been advised to contact the police (by me as well as others). She is venting on here, which is the best place to do so.

Trainspotting1984 · 21/02/2017 13:28

No, people behave badly when a relationship ends. Revenge is taken. It's happens, it's extremely common. It doesn't make them or te relationship abusive. It's fairly straight forward

Trainspotting1984 · 21/02/2017 13:30

But waste more of women's Aids time if you like. I'm sure they can take sometime out from speaking to every mumsnetter whose ever had a relationship breakdown to chat it through to you

Gottagetmoving · 21/02/2017 13:31

OP has been advised to contact the police (by me as well as others). She is venting on here, which is the best place to do so

Yes,..and I have also advised that the young man,..because he is 18 and an adult, should be contacting the police. His mother is right to advise him to do that because he has to make the complaint.
If you had read my posts you would fully understand that,

LottieL · 21/02/2017 13:34

This is disgusting. You don't know how old these people are, or any of the facts surrounding the breakup, but you are happy for a potentially very young girl to pay for a case of badly handled heartbreak for the rest of her life? Just horrible.

... Eh? She destroyed property that wasn't hers to destroy. It should have been returned as soon as the relationship broke down, through parents / friends / third parties if you can't handle seeing the ex. She sounds mental.

Willow2016 · 21/02/2017 13:35

But the abuse started before the relationship ended, then escalated when it did end.

You dont condsider sitting in someones driveway hurling abuse and threatening to kill them abusive?

Trainspotting1984 · 21/02/2017 13:37

That was a) after the breakup and b) already dealt with by the police. Nothing more can be done about that

BillSykesDog · 21/02/2017 13:38

It's not in a relationship. It's a relationship that has broken up, and revenge including destroying belongings is a fairly common, if Undesirable, reaction for many non abusive people

No, it's an abusive reaction by abusive people. You don't have to still be in a relationship to be abused. The government describes domestic abuse as:

abuse between people aged 16 or over who are or have been intimate partners or family members, regardless of gender or sexuality.

You're really showing yourself up. This is the sort of crap people used to spout to justify domestic abuse against women: you must have provoked him; he was upset because you broke up; it's just because he loves you; you must have hurt him; people react like this when they're hurt.

Thank God we as a society have moved beyond that nonsense. We just need to apply it equally to both sexes and we just might start treating victims like they live in a civilised society.

Willow2016 · 21/02/2017 13:38

This is disgusting. You don't know how old these people are, or any of the facts surrounding the breakup, but you are happy for a potentially very young girl to pay for a case of badly handled heartbreak for the rest of her life? Just horrible.

Again she was abusive before the relationship ended just because the ds was ill and couldnt see her! Threatening to kill someone and verbally abusing the family was her choice just cos she wanted attention. Passers by called the police for goodness sake!

Her actions her consequences.

Would you be saying the same thing if it had been a 40 yr old man on the driveway harranging a woman? There is no difference, its still abuse.

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