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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To burn my sons exgf stuff....

277 replies

imnotpregnantanymore · 21/02/2017 03:29

After shes burnt all of his and publicly shamed him on facefook.

He left quite a bit with her. New clothes that i had brought for him and she wore and never brought back. PS3 and PS4 games,music cds,and sone other peraonal items including a blanket his grandmother gave him as a baby.
He tried to arrange to get them back. She went total bitch on him. Shes burnt them. Put pics alongside nasty comments regarding it all.
The girls fukin bitch mother has also liked the pics.

So... aibu to do the same but minus the silly public pics and comments. My son is all for it.
Im fuming Angry

OP posts:
MontePulciana · 21/02/2017 11:57

Yup, if this was reversal and it was him who had burnt her things it would be Go to the police immediately not the "man up" comments. Unbelievable. You need to report this nutcase to the police. You have all the evidence.

OnionKnight · 21/02/2017 11:59

He is 18 and shouldn't need a mummy to fight his battles.

You wouldn't say this if it was someone's daughter being abused.

MadisonAvenue · 21/02/2017 11:59

Personally I'd just celebrate the fact that he's no longer in a relationship with this psycho. Ignore her. She's out of the picture, not a problem for your family anymore.

Our oldest son was in a dreadful relationship for two years and when that ended (a year ago next week - yay!) his ex posted lies about us and him on Facebook. We just chose to let her get on with it without retaliating. She soon ran out of steam (a week later when she had another boyfriend).
Obviously it wasn't pleasant at the time, and the whole relationship was difficult for our son due to her unhinged behaviour throughout, but it taught him a lot about life and relationships and he's currently worrying about a uni flat mate who is in one very like the one he got out of.

KarmaNoMore · 21/02/2017 12:01

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Hisstory · 21/02/2017 12:02

Trainspotting and GottaGetMoving You are both coming across as unkind. My DC are young adults now and from time to time they still appreciate my support. Perhaps neither of you have adult children and you don't realise that they can still need help. I'm sure there are a some amazing 18 year old who are totally capable of sorting everything out for themselves, perhaps you were yourselves, but to think everyone is like that is daft.

Lowlandgarlic · 21/02/2017 12:06

F1GI - Really said what I thought, though I am not sure I would want to hand her stuff over just yet I would speak to the police first on the matter.

I've been so angry as a young woman in a position where I have had a thought like this I wont deny it, so i dont blame either of you for thinking it but to do it? Realistically I know I wouldnt.

Two wrongs don't make a right I wouldn't condone my child doing this and I certainly wouldn't do it back what would it achieve? Revenge would be short lived it isnt going to help him replace the things he's lost.

He needs to be the adult and see it for what it is if it wasnt his ex perhaps a female or male friend would he really allow someone to do this too him?

Actions have consequences even when you're young she needs to learn this it may not help replace the things that are irreplaceable but she should at least replace the things that can be replaced.

PigletWasPoohsFriend · 21/02/2017 12:09

He is 18 and shouldn't need a mummy to fight his battles.

So are you going to post that on the next DV thread where they are asked if they have family help?

MegaClutterSlut · 21/02/2017 12:11

Some of the replies on here are just fucking shocking. I'm sure if any of your friends/family were in an abusive relationship you would get involved too or would you tell them to 'man up' and not get involved? What a load of shite

if it were my ds i would burn the bitches stuff myself get involved. The sensible thing would go to the police then burn the stuff

Theimpossiblegirl · 21/02/2017 12:12

Jeez, the double standards of some people.
Because he's a boy he needs to man-up, fight his own battles etc. Really?

SumThucker · 21/02/2017 12:17

Too right I'd want to burn it Angry Police is the best option though.

GahBuggerit · 21/02/2017 12:18

" Soothe ds. Move on. Ds can chalk it up to experience. I have never yet heard of a psycho ex that hadn't been, erm, well-provoked, so maybe he will conduct himself (and the ending of his relationships) in a different way in future"

Hmm Are the schools off again?
pullingmyhairout1 · 21/02/2017 12:22

Personally I'd write, keeping a copy, to ask politely for her to pay for what she has burnt or replace it. I'd also mention it is criminal damage and that if she isn't reasonable with it you will contact the police.

Don't stoop to their level otherwise two things will happen. You'll both end up with cautions or the police won't be interested.

They're both young and immature. They will learn from this and I expect in future she will be embarrassed by her behaviour.

Gottagetmoving · 21/02/2017 12:24

You wouldn't say this if it was someone's daughter being abused

Yes I would... It is a police matter not a get mum to burn her stuff matter.
I was referring to the OP getting involved by doing the same as the GF did.
THAT is not 'supporting' her son. It is being stupid.

If it were my son or daughter I would be advising them,..as an adult,..to report it to the police.

Beachedwh4le · 21/02/2017 12:30

I'm assuming if the OP or her son thought it was an actual threat to his life they would have been liaising with the police to ensure his protection. It sounds like the son has just taken up with a bit of a lunatic and that she'll wear herself out.

As everyone else has already said, if you're genuinely bothered about the damage to his property report it to the police and let them have the photos. Any stuff he has of hers should be carefully bagged up and returned to her, preferably via a neutral third party. If you're dropping it off at her property when she's not in take a photo to show its in good order and make a list of the items.

There is little sense giving away the high moral ground by burning/destroying her stuff.

Not to minimise the situation, but I also think you should endeavour to maintain perspective. Your son is best out of it, and you should both try and avoid being sucked into the "drama" of the situation.

Deal with it in a calm rational manner and don't give it more time in your lives than it warrants

Good luck Flowers

BillSykesDog · 21/02/2017 12:31

She's already told him she won't get involved with burning it and is going to tell him again. So, yes, all she is doing is supporting him to make the right decisions in a stressful situation.

Incidentally I would love to see the responses on relationships if an abuse victim was told the abuse was an opportunity to 'learn'.

BlisseyMon · 21/02/2017 12:32

GottaGetMoving
You've changed your tune, so you are now. Hmm. Your earlier comment was snidey.

Gottagetmoving · 21/02/2017 12:35

You've changed your tune, so you are now. hmm. Your earlier comment was snidey

No I haven't changed my tune at all. I mean now what I meant then. My comment was blunt,..not snidey.
The OP wants to make things worse instead of doing it properly. As a parent you advise at that age ( 18) - not go in with all guns blazing.

Gottagetmoving · 21/02/2017 12:37

Incidentally I would love to see the responses on relationships if an abuse victim was told the abuse was an opportunity to 'learn'

Now you are being stupid. The 'learning' was about being the better person by not resorting to damaging property like the GF did.

Some of you make up your own stories instead of paying attention to what is actually said.

Trainspotting1984 · 21/02/2017 12:38

OP has quite clearly said the police have dealt with the threat to kill on the driveway. So that's over

what else in her posts have given you cause to diagnose an abhsive relationship? Because you know nothing about it. That's the point.

BlisseyMon · 21/02/2017 12:42

GottaGetMoving
Just so you know comments like He is 18 and shouldn't need a mummy to fight his battles are most definitely snidey.

Also, I don't know if you've read the OPs posts but she already said test she had said 'no' to her son when he asked about burning the Ex's stuff.

PigletWasPoohsFriend · 21/02/2017 12:42

what else in her posts have given you cause to diagnose an abhsive relationship? Because you know nothing about it. That's the point.

You don't know anything about anyones relationship though but I don't see things like that posted on threads where the victim is female.

BarbarianMum · 21/02/2017 12:43

The fact she burnt his stuff?

prh47bridge · 21/02/2017 12:43

is it good enough to send it to the charity shop she uses regularly

No it is not. She would still be able to claim damages from your son. See my earlier posts for the correct legal approach to this situation.

I note that some posters have suggested that reporting the ex to the police will mess up her life by preventing her from getting any job involving a DBS check. This is not true. As long as she is open about any caution or conviction an employer should only refuse to employ her if the offence is relevant to the role. After a few years a caution or conviction for criminal damage would disappear from her DBS record completely.

Trainspotting1984 · 21/02/2017 12:47

*"Today 12:42 PigletWasPoohsFriend

what else in her posts have given you cause to diagnose an abhsive relationship? Because you know nothing about it. That's the point.

You don't know anything about anyones relationship though but I don't see things like that posted on threads where the victim is female."*

I can't answer for random mumnetters who might respond on other threads, unfortunately.

Barabrianmum

Gottagetmoving · 21/02/2017 12:48

Also, I don't know if you've read the OPs posts but she already said test she had said 'no' to her son when he asked about burning the Ex's stuff

Her AIBU was whether she should do the same. Again,..The comment I made wasn't snidey. It was blunt,..you can disagree all you like.

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