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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To burn my sons exgf stuff....

277 replies

imnotpregnantanymore · 21/02/2017 03:29

After shes burnt all of his and publicly shamed him on facefook.

He left quite a bit with her. New clothes that i had brought for him and she wore and never brought back. PS3 and PS4 games,music cds,and sone other peraonal items including a blanket his grandmother gave him as a baby.
He tried to arrange to get them back. She went total bitch on him. Shes burnt them. Put pics alongside nasty comments regarding it all.
The girls fukin bitch mother has also liked the pics.

So... aibu to do the same but minus the silly public pics and comments. My son is all for it.
Im fuming Angry

OP posts:
BillSykesDog · 21/02/2017 15:15

I can think of 4 non abusive people i know who have cut up their ex boyfriends clothes in revenge though.

Ah. So you're one of those 'but they can't possibly be abusive they seem so nice' crowd.

You know four abusive people who did it. The very fact they did it makes them abusers. Just because you choose to excuse them doesn't change the fact that they are abusers.

Trainspotting1984 · 21/02/2017 15:16

Oh they might've been arseholes for one drunken vengeful night in 2003. Doesn't make them abusive or mean they were in abusive relationships. MN is often very simplistic when it comes to behaviour in relationships

BoneyBackJefferson · 21/02/2017 15:19

Trainspotting1984
What it does mean is that they are guilty of criminal damage. So not so nice.

WhispersOnTheWind · 21/02/2017 15:27

Trainspotting Just because you know these people doesn't mean what they did is right or reasonable, destroying someone else's property, no matter the provocation, is criminal and yes, abusive. Also the OP's situation goes a bit beyond just property destruction.
You seem also to have a double-standard re the ages of the two too: you infantilise her saying she can be excused her appalling behaviour on the grounds of hurt feelings because she's 'potentially a very young girl' yet the bf can't be cut some slack re needing some emotional support from his mum when faced with the behaviour of this vindictive girl and her friend because at 18 'he's an adult.'

BillSykesDog · 21/02/2017 15:30

This is like some dreadful tick box of outdated 1970s attitudes to abuse. If they only do it once it's not abuse. If they're drunk it's not abuse. If the victim deserves it it's not abuse.

And it's not MN that has these 'simplistic' normal attitudes to abuse, it's society in general including the legal system.

It's very sad there is still a stigma for male victims, however I suspect that you'd probably be just as dismissive regardless of sex trainspotting. He just punched her once, she was asking for it etc, etc, etc.

Aderyn2016 · 21/02/2017 15:31

I can see why, if say you come home and found your partner in bed with your best friend, you might damage something of theirs in a moment of mad fury. But this isn't a one off moment of madness, it seems to be a continued attack on him, over a long period of time, which is escalating. She is out of control and being egged on by her own irresponsible parent and friends. The boyfriend hasn't done anything to hurt her and she has unthinkingly lashed out - this is a campaign against him that needs halting now before she gets worse.

Willow2016 · 21/02/2017 15:34

Burning the clothes wasnt a one off. She had previous history of abusive behaviour. She didnt just decide on the spur of the moment, it was part of her ongoing harrassment of ops son.

She isnt some 'innocent' thats been heartbroken (as she clearly didnt give a stuff for the poor lad when he was ill) that just cut up a couple of shirts in a 5 minute mad turn (which is bad enough) she knew what was there and she deliberately destroyed it with the blessing of her friend and her mum. They are all barmy and need reminding of the law.

worridmum · 21/02/2017 15:40

if a woman gets punched in the face your first reaction should be what did she do to provoke such an outburst?

No i thought not another perfect example of mumsnet double standards....

Iamastonished · 21/02/2017 15:47

Gottagetmoving Should we be telling all posters on MN to fight their own battles because they are adults?

Does being 18 or older make you immune from feeling shit about a failed relationship?

FGS have some empathy Hmm

BlisseyMon · 21/02/2017 15:56

Trainspotting
I haven't done anything, I've never had an ex. I can think of 4 non abusive people i know who have cut up their ex boyfriends clothes in revenge though

You do realise though that cutting up boyfriends clothes is far from normal. Hmm

Trainspotting1984 · 21/02/2017 16:04

I think a lot of you are mixing up my posts with someone else's. I didn't say half that stuff

misshelena · 21/02/2017 16:11

"Hard to imagine such extreme behavior for no reason at all"

A teen or young adult would not call being dumped "no reason at all". If you are a little removed from the teen world, I can understand why this doesn't make sense to you. But if you have a teen who is in love or who has close friends who are, you would understand how INTENSE these relationships can be! And the break-ups are just as, if not more, intense. They are hormonal, inexperienced, immature and these break-ups usually have social consequences beyond just the bf or gf. And, in the age of social media, EVERYONE knows your business! DD1 is 16 and, just this last year, I have witnessed 2 breakups that ended in one party needing psychological and pharmaceutical help after drugs, alcohol, and frequent and unprotected hook-ups with random partners.

I also don't get posters who chastise OP for worrying about her 18yo's break-up. He is 18 and having trouble dealing with this very messy, likely first, break-up, and OP should just mind her own business? His well-being is no longer OP's business simply because he's turned 18?? OP is asking for advice on MN, not driving over to his ex-gf's house to have a fist fight with her!

Iamastonished · 21/02/2017 16:18

Well said misshelena
The unsympathetic replies are clearly from parents who either don't have teenagers or parents of teenagers who haven't experienced a relationship break-up.

We all had a miserable Christmas a couple of years ago when DD's boyfriend dumped in a nasty, humiliating manner, then sent her abusive messages on Facebook.

We got our own back by screenshotting the messages and showing them to his parents (who, fortunately, were incensed at their son's behaviour)

Sweets101 · 21/02/2017 16:22

Oh ffs grow up.
Report her to police, show them the screen pics. Also tell them DS has some of her property, they will return it for him they'll need to speak to her anyway.

BillSykesDog · 21/02/2017 16:23

misshelena, the people who react like that are not the well balanced ones though. Happy well adjusted teenagers with good self esteem don't react like this. It's an indicator of deeper problems.

LagunaBubbles · 21/02/2017 16:28

Says who Laguna? Apologises if you are actually the person who sets the criteria of abusive, but I am pretty sure you are not.

Really? You dont see destroying someones property that they have an emotional link to abusive? Ok. Fair enough. I think the dictionary defintion of abusive behaviour explains it well though A general term for various behaviours which may be aggressive, coercive or controlling, destructive, harassing, intimidating, isolating, or threatening, that a batterer or abuser may use to control a domestic partner, child or other victim

Iamastonished · 21/02/2017 16:29

Aren't you extremely fortunate and lucky to have well adjusted teenagers with such high self esteem BillSykesDog. Not smug are we Hmm

DianaMemorialJam · 21/02/2017 16:32

Bill that's slightly unfair. When I was 16 (nearly 17) I was in a relationship with an absolute piece of shit. Turned out he was shagging someone else.

I burnt all our photos that we had taken together. It was cathartic. I was a perfectly normal teenager (admittedly I didn't burn anything of his, but burning stuff when you're not thinking straight doesn't automatically mean you have ishoos is my point).

BillSykesDog · 21/02/2017 16:36

iamastonished, I don't even have teenagers.

And abusive behaviour isn't explained away by saying 'it's just kids'. Every abuser was a teenager at some point.

And snotty comments don't get away from the fact that if a break up elicits the sort of reaction which needs psychiatric help and drugs or descends into drug taking and sleeping around, there is something far deeper wrong than a break up.

Yes teenagers have very intense emotions, but the overwhelming majority of teen break ups don't involve psychiatric help, drug taking, risky sexual behaviour, threats to kill or criminal damage. If you think this is just normal teenage behaviour you're deluded.

BillSykesDog · 21/02/2017 16:42

diana, I don't really think burning a few of your own photos is in any way comparable to destroying a whole load of your exes property, bragging about it, threatening to kill them and harassing them at home. For a start one is not criminal.

But that gets us back to the original point, would you be telling a teenage girl she should put up with her property being destroyed or being harassed because it was 'cathartic' for her boyfriend.

MadMags · 21/02/2017 16:44

What a spiteful little cow she is!

Personally, I would actually contact the police.

She shouldn't be allowed away with this.

DixieNormas · 21/02/2017 16:45

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

DianaMemorialJam · 21/02/2017 16:55

Bill I never condoned the behaviour, but I knew that would be your comback. I did put a disclaimer that burning stuff isn't ALWAYS indicative of a complete psycho. That was my point. I didn't lack self esteem, I was just royally fucked off.

DianaMemorialJam · 21/02/2017 16:57

My only comment on this thread was that the mum should just advise for son to call the police and stay out of it. I have been in an abusive relationship and the last thing I wanted was my parents sticking their noses in. But that's just my experience.

Iamastonished · 21/02/2017 17:00

"I don't even have teenagers."

Believe me, the rollercoaster of being a parent to a teenager who is now old enough to have relationships is enough to drive one round the bend. You can't assume that a well adjusted teenager won't be devastated by a break up.

It really doesn't take much to damage a teenager's self esteem. It just takes some bullying, a "friend" "stealing" your boyfriend, other friends being busy elsewhere etc to feel isolated.

In my experience most teenagers are full of self doubt with flashes of self confidence.