To burn my sons exgf stuff....

[imnotpregnantanymore]

After shes burnt all of his and publicly shamed him on facefook.

He left quite a bit with her. New clothes that i had brought for him and she wore and never brought back. PS3 and PS4 games,music cds,and sone other peraonal items including a blanket his grandmother gave him as a baby.
He tried to arrange to get them back. She went total bitch on him. Shes burnt them. Put pics alongside nasty comments regarding it all.
The girls fukin bitch mother has also liked the pics.

So... aibu to do the same but minus the silly public pics and comments. My son is all for it.
Im fuming

Yes, but you're comparing apples and oranges. Nobody on this thread said that any mild reaction to a break up (which is what burning your own photos is) indicated problems. But getting so distressed by a break up that you need psychiatric treatment or start taking drugs or make death threats, harass people or commit criminal damage does. The fact you burnt your pictures is irrelevant, that might not indicate issues but the other things most certainly do. Ditto your experience of an abusive relationship. You might not have wanted your parents involved but this lad seems to want his mothers advice and support, so your feelings are as irrelevant to his situation. You're not him, nor are you his GF. The fact you burnt a few photos in 1992 doesn't mean this girl is not abusive or unstable which she clearly is.

1992? I was born in 1993

So you're the only one allowed an opinion on the thread then? Just so I can clarify...

I agree she's fucking unstable! That's why I concurred with calling the police ages back

My comment was is response to deeper issues and self esteem which I disagreed with.

OP, you and your son have my sympathies, his ex sounds horrible.

Please, go to the police and report everything. Don't give her any reaction though-that is what all this is designed to do, elicit a reaction.

Bag up all her stuff and keep it for the time being. If she asks for it back, tell your DS to say that he is keeping it as security (exercising a 'lien' over it) against what she owes him for all the stuff she burned.

Yes, I was a teenager astonished, I think you'll find most people were.

You can't assume that a well adjusted teenager won't be devastated by a break up.

Yes I can. Well adjusted teenagers by their very definition have the tools and capability to deal with traumatic but not unusual events like a break up. If a teenager reacts in the ways you have described they simply aren't emotionally well adjusted and there are some problems there.

I would actually include myself in that group. I reacted very self destructively to break ups but I had a very unsettled childhood behind me.

What do you suggest teenage boys do? Do you think they should be forced to stay in unhappy relationships? Do you think they have some sort of responsibility to sort out their partners problems? Boys the same age as this girl who is apparently so young she can't even be responsible for her own behaviour? But boys that age have to be responsible for a set of serious problems that even adult parents struggle to deal with?

Self destructive behaviour is sad, but it is never, even the responsibility of the ex. And abusive behaviour like this girl is exhibiting is never, ever excusable. Not because they're upset about a break up, not because they're teenagers.

I'll ask you too: would you be saying that a girl should put up with being harassed like this because she'd upset a boy she broke up with?

"If you think this is just normal teenage behaviour you're deluded."

Bill - OP's son's ex-gf's behavior is unusually aggressive. It is abusive and should be reported, if nothing else, to make sure that she doesn't escalate.
But you are wrong to underestimate the intensity of teen break-ups by characterizing needing professional help as "not normal". I will admit that I live in a upper-middle class neighborhood where parents are more likely to seek professional help. However, I can assure you that months-long emotional break down expressed in alcohol and drug use, random sex, lower grades, sleeping a lot, refusal to see other friends, refusing to go to practice, not eating, not grooming, etc. after a break-up is in no way unusual. Just search on MN, you'll find plenty of examples.

I didn't say that diana but I really don't see how you burning a few photos a couple of years ago really has any relevance to pointing out that extreme reactions to break ups indicate deeper issues. Because it's not an extreme reaction? What you did was a perfectly normal reasonable reaction that made you feel better but didn't harm yourself or others - so yes, the reaction of a well balanced teenager.

helena, that would be depression then. An underlying issue. It's also how personality disorders like BPD present. Sorry, but the idea that an emotionally healthy teenager would descend into some sort of drug addled depressive state purely because of a break up is ludicrous. There would be underlying issues of some nature for that to happen.

Anyway, what are you saying? You seem to be moving into the 'he was asking for it' territory.

I'm still laughing at 1992.

I am firmly in the "THEY asked for it" territory when they decided to enter into a relationship -- If, by "it" you mean a break-up and the NORMAL behavior that come with it.

I made myself very clear that I do not see OP's ds' ex' behavior as "normal".

I also made myself very clear that I do not see drinking, drugging, random sex, depression, etc. as "not normal". We all have "underlying issues" and teens have amplified "underlying issues" because they are unbalanced/hormonal.

I mean THEY, as in the pp involved in a relationship, any relationship.

I would report this to the police.

Firstly , as others have mentioned, your son does have a claim to recover the costs of the criminal damage.

Secondly, if this woman has been stupid enough to commit a crime and plaster it all over the internet, there's a strong chance that the police will be able to take action.

However, the main reason is the abusive behaviour she's already displayed. Given that she's already made death threats, and now publicly destroyed your son's possessions, there's a very real threat that this won't be the last of it.You don't know what further threats she might make, or whether she will make any malicious accusations against your son. I really would report this to the police.

Bollocks Helena. By that logic any woman who gets battered every Saturday night deserves it because she got into the relationship in the first place. Or do you just apply your 'asking for it' logic to men?

Bill you haven't read her post, clearly. She said the NORMAL behaviour that comes with the relationship. I think you are just seeing what you want to see in other people's posts tbh.

Ok, il try and update.
The "baby blanket" was made and givento ds when he was 18months old. Iys nice and soft and fluffy and his egf liked it. So he took it her house or more she did bit he allowed it and along with other items he left there. He was due to stay here the week ending when all this started.
I will never ever leave my children to go through anything like this alone. However saying that, i dont just interfere unwanted throwing my opinions about. He was sat in his room 4months ago in such a state of despair that i did put an end to it. Up until i left him to his own devices. Many occasions we me/children/friends witnessed this girl being violent. Because ds brushed it off. So did we. No point saying anything to someone who doensr wnt to hear it. There was one occasion where he lifted his arm to stop her fist from hitting his face and he caught her ribs. Both me and other ds saw this. She went crazy,charged past us yelling and acreaching that my ds was a violent c**t and that he should be controlled. They were only deciding on who was using what bike and what seemed like a typical teenage tiff ended up losing my son alot of friwnds as she had convinced them it was him hitting her. He was hit on more than one occasion.
I didnt once tell ds that i thought it was a good idea. He mentioned it, i stated dont be silly and how our morals differ from hers. I came away. I then saw the pics online of what she had done and all the smiles. And yes.. i was very very pissed off.

Ive phoned the police. They have it on record along with other things shes done. Nothing they can do apparently. Ds doesnt want any more of her crap so hes been advised to "let this go" and if theres a "next time" then there is a bigger record to work with amd they will maybe do more then.

I kind of agree with him. Not on the burning goods part. But if he leaves this be amd she gets no police visits then maybe she will start to back off.
Exgf items are going to local polica station and a friend is telling her they are. This was recommended by police as a safe option to prevent any further dispute from her.

Hes blocked her now and she doesnt have access to our accounts,however... the last time we did this she used numerous friends accounts and got to him that way. He doesnt see many people or speak to many people anymore.

Hoping that with the start of the new college course hes doing will bring him more friends.
Fingers crossed this girl has gone.

Glad that you have followed police advice, however......beware that there may be a claim to pregnancy following soon.

I have a relative who had a similarish situation (in terms of trying to wind him up etc) and when she realised there was nothing left to use against him, claimed she was pg, then miscarrying, then the pg was on going etc.....suffice it to say that it was all BS. Thankfully his parents were sensible and advised him to reply that he would support and be involved with his child when it was born. It never was because it never existed and they didnt hear from her again. Funny that....

Your son could make a new e-mail address...it may be a bit of a pain to change things he may have signed up for, but that is what I would do.

He can take her to small claims court, it is up to him if he thinks it would be worth it. I hope he will make a clean break from her. Any real friends will know the two of them well enough to know who was violent and who wasn't.

This girl sounds psycho! She doesn't sound mentally balanced at all.

Diana, normal might be a poor choice of word. But Helena is claiming that it is 'normal' for perfectly mentally healthy and well adjusted teenagers to end up in psychiatric treatment or with a drug problem. JUST because of a break up. That's not true, it might spark something off, but it's not going to be a root cause. Because a well adjusted teen could handle it.

Besides, it's not the responsibility of a teenager to deal with another teenagers emotional issues.

But I suppose if your a parent in this situation it must be a lot easier to blame another teenager for a brief relationship and break up rather than confronting the fact that somewhere in your 18 years of parenting something might have gone wrong.

Gottagetmoving Should we be telling all posters on MN to fight their own battles because they are adults? Does being 18 or older make you immune from feeling shit about a failed relationship?FGS have some empathy

I have no idea why you would get that from any of my posts. Another poster who reads what they like into posts...it's bloody annoying.
Of course adults need support and of course I have empathy. Support doesn't mean joining in abusive behaviour as the OP initially suggested and yes, at 18, the young man should report it to the police because he is the adult suffering the abuse.
His mother can support with good advice....That is helping him fight his battle.

I'm sorry tell me again how the police can't do anything? That makes no sense from the info you have posted. What was their justification for not being able to 'do' anything?

Because she has no current record,like no one has ever pressed charges so her name is on "file" and they are aware of her due to past problems where weve called them and maybe from.some one else.. who knows.. i dont know... they didnt seem interested from the onset. Ive seen a friend in town today who has basically said theres not much the police are going to do about burnt property. Something to donwith it not being in the publics interest. Unless i go to court to claim it back.. and as she put it that would cost me more than the items.. so basically no nothings gona get done and we are just praying this girl goes away. You know.. i didnt really get a "justification" as to why not.. just that they would prefer a bigger record. I suppose in theor eyes its not a sifficient enough crime tonwarrent all the paperwork.. i dont know.. i really have no clue!
We already had the pregnancy woes. I told son ignore her.. hewas adament they hadnt had sex for a while due to being apart and arguing when they were together. So if she was she wasnt then it deffo wasnt his. Shes clearly not pregnant in any of the photos of her burning stuff.
Been told of some more nastiness on facefook thats shes put but not really bothered about that. It was more the fact she heartlessy burnt stuff knowing it was sentimental to ds.
Glad you guys kept me sane. As much pkeasure as i would have got throwing her "fave" bra in a fire knowing it would really piss her off... im glad we didnt.

Not sure else i can do now really other than keep supporting Ds as he needs it.

Apologies if this is a bit muddled.. poorly baby here aswell as all of the goings on.

Wouldn't the girl claim the stuff she burnt was gifted to her therefore she can do with it what she wishes.
Is taking her stuff to the police so that it gives the police an opportunity to speak to her/warn her about her behaviour?

A small claims action will cost you less than £100. And you should write to the police to express your disappointment that they don't consider criminal damage worth their time.

She can't claim anything unless they speak to her! Property acquired whilst a couple would be civil, this isn't. They can't choose whether to crime a crime, there are rules! PLUS they are ex partners, this is domestic related. At the very least i'd have thought they should record a domestic incident. Her behaviour, arguably, is escalating.
I'm sorry but they are failing your son. I wonder if they'd react differently if it was him stood outside screaming his head off and then burning her stuff!
What force is it out of interest?
I think you should call them back and say you wish to make a complaint about the way this has been handled.