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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU not to want to send my dd to boarding school ?

374 replies

mollythedogsmum · 20/02/2017 22:46

Parents in Law have kindly offered (pushed hard since birth) for us to send DD to the same boarding school FIL and DH went to. They have offered to pay for her as well. AIBU not to want to send her away? If she stayed at home DD would go to the local state school at home and the offer is limited ONLY to that one particular school which is over 2hrs drive so being a day pupil wouldn't work. They have offered to help us look for a house closer to that school but I don't really want to leave job, friends and family I have locally. Am I being selfish not to give her the opportunity of a top education because I don't want her to board? Should I just say f* it and bite the bullet and move? They have said if DD went there they would also pay for DS to go there too when he is 11 - DD is in year5 at the moment - i can't ask my family as they sit on the fence - pls help!

OP posts:
BoboChic · 21/02/2017 10:11

Navy - it is controlling because decisions about the education of their grandchildren do not belong to them. They are making a very restricted proposal to the decision makers in order to force their own ideas upon the situation. That is the very essence of controlling behaviour - restricting other people's choices.

minipie · 21/02/2017 10:12

If this was about the best education for your dd they wouldn't be insisting on that one school.

This exactly.

If they truly wanted the best education for your DC they'd be suggesting you take a look round lots of private schools and offering to pay if you find one you think will suit your DC.

The school they have in mind may be a great school in many ways but it could nonetheless be a terrible fit for your particular DC.

Perhaps they are controlling, more likely I suspect they are just very very traditional and can't or won't consider the idea that your DC might not be best suited to this "family heritage" school.

Either way it's not a truly generous offer made with the DC in mind, it's all about continuing the family tradition.

MorrisZapp · 21/02/2017 10:16

Wonder if OP will return and tell us what her DH thinks of this.

MajesticWhine · 21/02/2017 10:21

Sorry have not RTFT. It's very young to board in year 7.
DD1 was a day girl at a boarding school and then boarded from sixth form. She did flexi boarding before that meaning she spent one or two nights in school from about year 9.
It really depends on what your child is like. Boarding school is not right for everyone.
Very inflexible of the in laws not to look at other options. And no way would I move house and jobs.

waterrat · 21/02/2017 10:22

there is actual evidence - plenty of it - of the enormous damage done by sending people to boarding school at a young age - ie. before 11 - so lets not just have 'oh my dh went at 7 and was fine'. It stops children learning how to love, how to form attachments, it teaches them to shut down their emotions.

www.theguardian.com/books/2015/jun/08/boarding-school-syndrome-joy-schaverien-review

NavyandWhite · 21/02/2017 10:23

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TENSHI · 21/02/2017 10:24

It's not just the fees; school trips, music lessons, kit, uniform all the extras that need to be factored in.

If your dd is keen why not go to the open day and give her the choice?

Some dc especially if they 'shine' and are gregarious do really well at boarding school; and there are often scholarships to help for music, particular sports etc.

There is also a sizeable number of dc who get sent there whose parents are abroad/work long, irregular hours and/or have split up with new partners/new families/parents on the 'social scene' so have hectic social lives or live lives not suited to or want the day to day routine of childcare.

Very good friends of mine sent their dds due to personality clashes with them, or their new partner or because they did not want to deal with the teenage years/'histrionics'/backchat and preferred the houseparents to deal with it all.

Statistically a large proportion of CEOs and other very successful, driven people (more than the general population) are sociopaths or have sociopathic tendencies and while this is not necessariy a bad thing (this does not equate to murderers btw!) it means that there will be a sizeable number at boarding schools.

Before you all leap at me I will say I think a boarding school is a perfect place for such children, but it does mean that any child at the receiving end/victim of this type of personality there would be no escape.

So if your dd was shy, retiring, lacking in self esteem/emotionally fragile and not very good at sports/music etc then she might find it very difficult.

On the other hand, my sister taught at a highly academic/competive girl's boarding school where one girl did not want to board, was crying, and grabbed hold of the metal jaguar on her mum's car bonnet while her mum was driving off down the drive and trying to shake her off.

She managed to dislodge her daughter and left her on a crumpled heap on the gravel and drive back to London but thank god the staff were wonderful and so for her the best place was definitely at boarding school where the staff actually cared.

Other times (so frequent my sister ended up leaving) when a girl was really upset and just wanted her mum/ wanted to go home and all inschool options were exhausted my sister would ring the mother and the mother would be cross and say that's what I pay the school for! Or who can I pay/what therapist can I get? When all the girl realy wanted was a cuddle from her mum!!

It's so common it's normal in such schools unfortunately. But yes, state schools have their faults too but the whole point of weaning your child off emotionally depending on you is the biggest difference.

Boarding school dc learn to depend on their peers for day to day emotional support and tend to view their parents as cashcows! So basically come to their parents not for emotional support but when they want money/material things.

Children who do not get emotional support at home/whose parents are too busy/have a dysfunctional relationship with them are much better off at boarding school.

BoboChic · 21/02/2017 10:27

Navy - I think you don't understand the nature of controlling behaviour. This proposal is difficult to turn down. A non-controlling proposal would be to offer to pay the grandchildren's school fees after a full and thorough look, from all parties, at many options.

Meeep · 21/02/2017 10:39

The sorts of people who would only give you the fees money for their specific chosen school, are exactly the sorts of people who could choose to pull funding at a later stage for some stupid reason or other.
I'd never risk that.
An absolute no from me.

NavyandWhite · 21/02/2017 10:40

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Freddorika · 21/02/2017 10:42

If you have a very good private school near you with similar fees and a day option, why not go and see it WITH your PILs? They might surprise you.

namechangingagainagain · 21/02/2017 10:45

I think the main worry is what your DH thinks. If he is keen, and your daughter is caught up with the romance of the idea and PIL are keen.... you're going to find it difficult to justify her not going. Especially after you've been to the hard sell of the open day. This offer obviously comes with massive strings and it's going to be difficult to back down. Do you have any decent local private schools instead. I can't see why they wouldnt bewilling to fundthat if it avoids upset for the whole family- perhaps if you suggested that directly ( and they turn it down because it has to be the school THEY choose) it might expose their motives to your husband and daughter.

FWIW I would say no.

I think there is a real issue that people think that by paying for an education you can somehow buy financial success and happiness for your children. A long time ago I went to a good school for a levels on a full scholarship ( when such a thing existed). For every confident successful pupil there were others that were dropping out because they couldn't handle the pressure. The drug problem was the same as in my comp I'd attended until 16... they could just afford better drugs ( so coke rather than cannabis). A good school isnt actually a guarantee of straight a stars and ( most importantly) happiness as a teenager or adult. I've met miserable adults who went to top public schools as much as those who lived on the housing estate I grew up on.

I'm far happier sending my children to the local school an helping them to turn into polished confident people who are their own people and don't feel any pressure from me to be a certain type of person because Ive invested so much money in them.

SoupDragon · 21/02/2017 10:55

You are her mother, and you will make decisions as you see fit, the end.

No, because I assume the daughter has two parents.

LaPharisienne · 21/02/2017 10:56

I'd let your dd decide. I chose my school.

KERALA1 · 21/02/2017 11:00

I would resent being put in this position by this "generous" offer - now poor op has a massive dilemma. I don't know what I would do .

My uncle was damaged for life by boarding school, but he went young a long time ago and am sure others really benefit from it but his experience colours my view somewhat.

gillybeanz · 21/02/2017 11:03

It would worry me that they would want to be involved in the education, to see a good return for their money.
I couldn't be beholden to ils, but if you think it's a great opportunity perhaps have some sort of gentleman's agreement about their expectancies from the off.
Go and visit the school, take the kids and see what they think. It seems like your dd has made her mind up with the Malory Towers comment. Mine thought it would be like Hogwarts, she wasn't wrong Grin
Boarding isn't like it used to be, there is a lot more parental involvement.
I found myself in a similar position, but it was dd and then dh, not ils.
In the end I had to give up as dd wanted to go so much I couldn't be selfish just because I would miss her.
I love her being at home and cry everytime she goes back.
It was awful to begin with and for a full term I was so ill with upset, I just had to get on with it whilst I watched her thrive.

Secretsquirrel252 · 21/02/2017 11:04

I really feel for you OP. Boarding school is nothing I would ever consider for my DC. I would never want to send them away. You're having the decision taken out of your hands as your DD seems to be interested, your DH must be in agreement with his parents and you will be cast as the one who spoils it all if you try to stop it.

I can't offer advice as I would have told my DH this was a deal breaker years ago and shut it down as I would much rather DH slept under a different roof than my DC.

NavyandWhite · 21/02/2017 11:08

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

minipie · 21/02/2017 11:12

This isn't really a decision about boarding school vs non boarding school. It's a decision about this one particular school.

There could, potentially be a boarding school out there which is perfect for the OP's DC. The chances of the perfect school being this one school are very slim however.

stopfuckingshoutingatme · 21/02/2017 11:21

I somehow suspect OP wont be back

JeSouhaite · 21/02/2017 11:22

I know Stop, I cannot get my head round it. He was a weekly boarder for a few years before switching to termly. They definitely did not have to, and even lived within 15mins drive! Pil are lovely people and had their 'reasons' but I do not agree they were valid reasons at all and although we have never discussed it with them in depth,, it affects the way I/we feel about them as parents. Dh did struggle a bit I think but falls short of saying he really suffered or was bullied/missed his parents etc, but he wasn't happy in that first school and I could cry for his younger self Sad "Just ok" isn't the kind of childhood parents should want for their children.

JeSouhaite · 21/02/2017 11:27

Of course Soup, I take that back. You are her parents and you make decisions for your child. I'd be interested to know the dad's view.

JeSouhaite · 21/02/2017 11:33

Ok Navy, I've already rephrased and realise it came out wrong. Both parents have a say, my point was that the pil don't.

My opinion is, in the case of one parent wanting them to go and one person wanting them not to, the status quo (them not going) should be maintained surely? Kind of like one parent wanting another child and the other not - the status quo (no child) wins over the mn jury usually. But discussion should always take place and both parents should consider the views of the other.

gillybeanz · 21/02/2017 11:37

waterrat

I would like to see some of your evidence, it sounds interesting.
The link you provided is from a very small group of people who call themselves survivors of boarding, and whilst of course it would have had an adverse effect on children in the distant past, there were plenty who weren't affected, or the survivors wouldn't be such a small group.

It suits some children but not others, like any other type of school.
My dd is thriving, if she wasn't she would be home in a flash.

MrsHathaway · 21/02/2017 11:44

As far as i am aware there were no CRB/DBS checks until 2002 so the school were not lax by not doing one.

I was working in schools 1999-2000 and 2000-2003 and definitely had to be CRB checked before I started each. They may not have been compulsory but I'm pretty sure they existed.