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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU not to want to send my dd to boarding school ?

374 replies

mollythedogsmum · 20/02/2017 22:46

Parents in Law have kindly offered (pushed hard since birth) for us to send DD to the same boarding school FIL and DH went to. They have offered to pay for her as well. AIBU not to want to send her away? If she stayed at home DD would go to the local state school at home and the offer is limited ONLY to that one particular school which is over 2hrs drive so being a day pupil wouldn't work. They have offered to help us look for a house closer to that school but I don't really want to leave job, friends and family I have locally. Am I being selfish not to give her the opportunity of a top education because I don't want her to board? Should I just say f* it and bite the bullet and move? They have said if DD went there they would also pay for DS to go there too when he is 11 - DD is in year5 at the moment - i can't ask my family as they sit on the fence - pls help!

OP posts:
Robstersgirl · 21/02/2017 09:19

He was living in a bail hostel at the time and even an address check should've been enough to make them perform CRB checks.

GinIsIn · 21/02/2017 09:22

Umm, Robster I don't think you can form an opinion of all boarding schools based on something you heard might have happened at one 2 decades ago....? Hmm

GinIsIn · 21/02/2017 09:23

Ian Huntley worked at a state school - I don't think it's necessarily a private school issue!

TheLivingAsheth · 21/02/2017 09:25

I absolutely would dismiss it out of hand. It would not be happening and the in laws would have been aware of that from the moment they first mentioned it.

NavyandWhite · 21/02/2017 09:26

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

NavyandWhite · 21/02/2017 09:29

This reply has been deleted

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AwaywiththePixies27 · 21/02/2017 09:30

This was back in 99. It's always made me freak out a bit that they can't be governed the same way as state schools?

Nonsense. Huntley worked at a state school and managed to get a job there without anyone bothering to check his background. Which would have flagged up serious concerns.

Of course they're checked in the same way. People like Huntley will always manage to infiltrate themselves into school systems. It's what they do. Imagine my suprise when I found out my old Sunday school teacher had been jailed.Never even crossed my mind as a child that he was 'dodgy'. Going to private school doesn't put you at any more a risk than going to state school would.

AwaywiththePixies27 · 21/02/2017 09:32

As for the governing, there are still people on that church that believe that man innocent despite being convicted on 26 charges. Did I mention he was a teacher at a state school too?

So by that logic no one should send their DCs to state school as they obviously didn't bother to check this man's background either.

Robstersgirl · 21/02/2017 09:34

It's not something I heard might have happened. I knew this person very, very well and even used to commute with him. Like I say could happen in any school and you are quite right to point out that Huntley worked in normal schools, I suppose my opinion is prettt biased based on what happened, I just always felt like they weren't as strict about who worked there. This was two decades ago though and I assume all schools are stricter about performing CRB checks. Just my own ill informed opinion I suppose?

TreeTop7 · 21/02/2017 09:35

School aside, the control issue is worrying. As a pp said, they may demand updates from parents' evenings etc because of their "investment" in this. Later, they may insist that she applies to Russell Group universities regardless of her interests and abilities. Tread carefully. GPs who offer to pay for private ed are one thing, but GPs who want to choose the school are quite another.

NavyandWhite · 21/02/2017 09:43

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Message withdrawn at poster's request.

JeSouhaite · 21/02/2017 09:46

I think op, if you know you don't really want this for your daughter, you shouldn't go to the open day. You sound as if you are under a lot of pressure, and fighting for every inch, but IMO unless you are keen you should draw a line in the sand.

This is not a massive decision unless you want it to be. Most families don't agonize over this and you don't need to either. You are her mother, and you will make decisions as you see fit, the end. Thank pil for their generous offer but put an end to it now, don't let it be a 'thing' any longer, giving them hope, you stress, and your DD confusion.

I'm not saying there are not particular circumstances where children thrive in boarding school and it works for the family, there clearly are - unstable jobs of the parents, prodigious talent in music/sport etc - but that isn't what's happening here.

For what it's worth, dh boarded from 7 with no real dramas, had a great time from 13 onwards, has turned out 'normal' Wink, and has a good job... but he would never ever complate the same for our dc. And nor would I, it would be over my dead body and maybe not even then that a child of mine didn't live with me.

All the best op.

BoboChic · 21/02/2017 09:47

It's very controlling of your in laws to only offer a single, very constraining alternative to your local state secondary. Surely there exist other scenarii within their budget that would provide more advantage to your DC with less downside?

JeSouhaite · 21/02/2017 09:49

Ok, just realised the last sentence sounds a bit creepy! .... "that a child of mine didn't live at home".

GinIsIn · 21/02/2017 09:51

Robster - I actually went to Charterhouse in the late 90s/early 00s. I'm pleased to inform you that none of us were ever mollested by the catering staff.

NavyandWhite · 21/02/2017 09:52

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Message withdrawn at poster's request.

murphys · 21/02/2017 09:53

I went to two boarding schools. They were good for me, as I did have a bit of a difficult childhood. Most of my friends there were going through the same sort of thing. We all had issues of some sort or the other. Many of us have stayed friends, not sure if its because of similar situations experienced, or the fact we practically lived together for most of the year.

But, I wouldn't send my dc to a boarding school if it was a choice. Some children do extremely well, can cope with the separation etc. I know both my dc would not deal with that at all. I think the personality of the child, and coping mechanisms plays a very big part.

It sounds like its a family history OP. You say they have talked about it since birth. Does your dh agree with you or his parents?

If I look at all my fellow pupils now, I wouldn't say that majority of them are doing any better now than my peers I went to the state school with. Some are very successful, but definitely not all. Same with my state school peers.

Frazzled2207 · 21/02/2017 09:54

I absolutely wouldn't consider this UNLESS child was genuinely super keen. But I can't imagine many young kids being delighted about boarding school.
Are they trying to persuade her? You'd have to be sure it really was what she wanted.

My parents might pay for private (day) school for our kids, I have doubts about that too but that's far more acceptable IMO.

DEMum101 · 21/02/2017 09:56

Robsters As far as i am aware there were no CRB/DBS checks until 2002 so the school were not lax by not doing one. Taking references might have flagged up his past perhaps. Maybe they knew and were giving him a chance. Was his crime one that would have suggested he might try poisoning children?

Niskayuna · 21/02/2017 09:58

God, no.

If they're so dedicated to paying for education, they can send them to a normal private school near you.

Boarding is increasingly being shown not to be healthy for young children. I can understand it in some of the examples above - military families who move a lot whose kids need stability, good example - but when it's unnecessary and just done for some nostalgic reason? No.

Tbh I dislike the idea of being financially beholden to pushy relatives anyway. One tenner and they think they own you; imagine what they'd do if your child's welfare was under their control. Do up our garden or we'll cancel your kids' school fees. Paint our fence. Lend us your car. Dance to our tune.

Robstersgirl · 21/02/2017 09:59

Robster - I actually went to Charterhouse in the late 90s/early 00s. I'm pleased to inform you that none of us were ever mollested by the catering staff.
I can now file my thoughts in my 'Things that no longer bug me' folder. Thank you. It was a beautiful school. The grounds were lovely.

Hoppinggreen · 21/02/2017 10:00

I would never even consider sending my dc to boarding school and I would never even consider letting my in laws tell me where to send my child to school and I would never even consider letting my in laws pay my dc school fees
So it would be a no from me!!

HappyHoppyFrog · 21/02/2017 10:03

Sounds very controlling in my opinion - best stay out of that strings attached gift!!!

NavyandWhite · 21/02/2017 10:09

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Message withdrawn at poster's request.

stopfuckingshoutingatme · 21/02/2017 10:11

For what it's worth, dh boarded from 7 with no real dramas

Oh Lord, I cannot even contemplate sending my very oversensitive 8 year old, it would literally be like a butterfly in a wheel.

sorry, not helpful in the slightest but why would someone send a primary school kid away (unless they really had to obvs)