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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think its none of DH's business what time i go to bed?

388 replies

CherrySkull · 20/02/2017 13:23

I have a particular hobby that can keep me up and online until late in the night as the people I do it with live mostly in the USA, so quite often the action doesn't start until 11pm and will go on through our Night.

I usually bail between 1 and 2am, but with it being Half Term and me not having to get up until i'm ready (the kids wake me to get breakfast then I go back to bed and leave them play) I stayed up until 4.30 the other night as there were a lot of us online and we were doing a group action.

DS is autistic and has taken to wandering around 1-2am so there is little point in me going to bed before then, I wait until he's resettled then I go to bed.

When I was up til 4.30, DH kept getting up to go pee and then he'd go "Come on its XXX, you need to get to bed" like some talking clock.

AIBU to tell him to piss off? I'm 35 years old, i'm a big girl, if I want to stay up until 4.30am, knowing I have to get up with the kids in the morning, surely that's my problem?

TBH, he's a bloody hypocrite, I forget the amount of times he's sat up til gone 5am pissing about on his playstation, the only time I ever got up to tell him to go to bed was when I knew he'd got work the next day, and all i'd say was 'keep an eye on the time, you have to be up at X" and then leave him to it!

OP posts:
Original poster
CherrySkull · 20/02/2017 16:41

tablets.

Camhs told us it wouldn't keep him asleep, but improve the up and down before sleeping. He used to never sleep before 11pm, and be awake on and off through the night as well, and sometimes be awake for the day from 3.30am.

OP posts:
Userone1 · 20/02/2017 16:48

You can get slow release capsules for children who wake during the night.

Tablets for children who just have trouble falling asleep.

Might be worth asking CAMHS or Gp about.

Also cerebra have a sleep practitioner, ours was brilliant. We tried their therapy under her guidance, takes a couple of weeks to 'reset' but worked well.

Anyhow yanbu for wanting some 'you' time. Can't your husband do breakfast every now and then

supermoon100 · 20/02/2017 16:49

Staying up all night gaming is not something I would want my kids to do as children or adults. For that reason alone I wouldn't want to be that kind of role model. Flame me, but I just don't get it in the least as a past time.

DixieNormas · 20/02/2017 16:51

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Userone1 · 20/02/2017 16:52

Who stays up all night gaming?

mellowfartfulness · 20/02/2017 16:53

YANBU, OP. You have sound reasons for every part of your normal routine. Staying up a bit later than normal as a one-off is not a big deal. Nor is napping for an hour while your 9 and 11 year old entertain themselves safely in their rooms. People are losing the plot here because a) your routine is later than theirs so must be wrong and b) your hobby is online therefore in MN world that makes it WEIRD and NERDY and UNWHOLESOME like something a stinky teenage boy would do, also you're probably addicted to it.

That said, I know I keep half-waking up and wondering where DH is if he stays up particularly late, and then he disturbs me coming to bed. It bugs me a bit and I have to fight myself not to nag him. But he should still get to stay up occasionally. And part of the reason I worry is that I won't then feel able to ask him for help with DS's night wakings, because he needs enough sleep to safely drive to work and back the next day. If you manage night wakings anyway then it's really no skin off your DH's nose.

supermoon100 · 20/02/2017 16:54

I thought the op stayed up till the early hours playing games online, is that not what her hobby is?

Userone1 · 20/02/2017 16:55

No a writing group

DixieNormas · 20/02/2017 16:56

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

mellowfartfulness · 20/02/2017 16:56

supermoon, the OP described her hobby:

Its not Wow or a computer game, its actually collaborative/group story writing that we do in a chat environment.. and the nearest I can describe it to is basically text-based LARP. its very edifying and fulfilling tyvm!

So not exactly gaming.

sibys1 · 20/02/2017 16:56

If you're both generally happy with the hours you sleep and it doesn't have a significant affect on the kids, then I don't see any issue with you staying up late.

That said, in your OP you say that when your husband is up late and has work the next day, you let him know he's staying up too late. I don't think what he did is so wildly different, seeing as your job is full time carer and so, presumably, you'd need to be awake at a reasonable hour the next day.

Your characterise it as your DH being a hypocrite, but it sounds like you're being as much of one. Does he start AIBUs when you get up to tell him what time it is?

Spottytop1 · 20/02/2017 16:56

Of course I do Dixie.... but as OP has said the son roams the house and needs settling during the night ... it's not unreasonable to assume the roaming can happen in the morning also.

Userone1 · 20/02/2017 16:58

Anyhow OP being a full time carer for a child with autism is blooding draining. I totally get you need some 'you' time. Get your husband to help out a bit, rather than clock watching!

MargeryFenworthy · 20/02/2017 16:59

Sounds depressing to me, the whole family living their lives through their devices.

FallenSky · 20/02/2017 17:00

YANBU. I wouldn't take too kindly to being told by DH to go to bed. The only time I would understand him getting huffy would be if it had happened before and I was useless the next day due to tiredness. You say it was a one off because of half term. No different to you having a rare night out and not getting home until the early hours.

supermoon100 · 20/02/2017 17:00

Ok I've just googled larp! I'm sorry but it's still a hobby that doesn't exactly fit in with family life. Of course it's partly dh's business what time you go to bed. You're married and live in the same house! Jeez. Compromise and all that.

Userone1 · 20/02/2017 17:02

'Devices' are often a child with autisms outlet.

DixieNormas · 20/02/2017 17:04

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Spottytop1 · 20/02/2017 17:08

Dixie read the initial post - it clearly says he wanders...

DisneylandDreams · 20/02/2017 17:08

The activity is irrelevant here really, I think the issue the OP is trying to get at, was whether SWBU to stay up to 4.30, once, over half-term.
The fact that it was only once is fair enough, but a lot can happen with an autistic child in an hour; my DS has managed to get out past locked doors, over fences and run halfway down the road in less than 10 minutes, so that would be my main concern. If DH was there to supervise, no problem, but it's very easy to say - oh, they'll be ok in front of a screen for a bit, but if, like me, you have a climber, or an escape artist, or just a kid that likes turning on taps, then you can't afford to have the same attitude that parents of NT children can, unfortunately. But this is why we get Carer's Allowance (I know it's piss-poor amount, but that''s not the argument here.)
IF you want to stay up to do whatever it is you want to do - make sure there's care in place first to cover the time when you'll be out for the count.
It's no joke that carers don't get enough down time, but on the rare occasion I go out, or want a lie in, then we get a sitter.

Spottytop1 · 20/02/2017 17:08

And if can wander at night, he can wander in the day if OP is asleep.

glitterazi · 20/02/2017 17:09

I thought the op stayed up till the early hours playing games online, is that not what her hobby is?

OP said not playing games, but connecting online with other people, mostly in America so presumably chatting and interacting.
So sounds basically the same type of thing.

Willow2016 · 20/02/2017 17:10

Still making things up to suit the bashing. The dh wasn't woken by op he got up to loo and noticed she wasn't there. Then promptly went back to sleep.

Just cos it's computer based it must be that nasty gamming malarkey.
RTFT
Her son doesn't want interaction in the mornings he wants to chill in his sensory room alone. He is next door anyway.
Op. had an hours sleep that's all. She got up with kids first!

There was a thread last week about a female op worried about her oh being out hours later than promised and he had a history of ending up in hospital through drinking too much. She got ripped to bits for daring to worry, phoning police, hospitals eye as "He is an adult he can come home when he likes, he can drink what he likes, you aren't his mother, you .cant tell him what to do" etc etc but on here it's the total opposite for an adult woman in her own home to stay up late!!!

Seriously one night for someone to get together with friends and do something she enjoys...how bloody dare she?

Spottytop1 · 20/02/2017 17:10

Exactly Disneyland....

I could never leave my daughter unsupervised for any period of time as anything could happen. One minute she may be settled on an iPad the next attempting to climb out the window... or pull a radiator off...

Original poster
CherrySkull · 20/02/2017 17:13

Yes, wandering as not in bed sleeping, he's a creature of habit and goes to get his lego out. If I didn't resettle him, he'd play with it all night.

I've had to start taking the box to bed with me, and DH gives it to him when he gets up then.

OP posts:
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