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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think its none of DH's business what time i go to bed?

388 replies

CherrySkull · 20/02/2017 13:23

I have a particular hobby that can keep me up and online until late in the night as the people I do it with live mostly in the USA, so quite often the action doesn't start until 11pm and will go on through our Night.

I usually bail between 1 and 2am, but with it being Half Term and me not having to get up until i'm ready (the kids wake me to get breakfast then I go back to bed and leave them play) I stayed up until 4.30 the other night as there were a lot of us online and we were doing a group action.

DS is autistic and has taken to wandering around 1-2am so there is little point in me going to bed before then, I wait until he's resettled then I go to bed.

When I was up til 4.30, DH kept getting up to go pee and then he'd go "Come on its XXX, you need to get to bed" like some talking clock.

AIBU to tell him to piss off? I'm 35 years old, i'm a big girl, if I want to stay up until 4.30am, knowing I have to get up with the kids in the morning, surely that's my problem?

TBH, he's a bloody hypocrite, I forget the amount of times he's sat up til gone 5am pissing about on his playstation, the only time I ever got up to tell him to go to bed was when I knew he'd got work the next day, and all i'd say was 'keep an eye on the time, you have to be up at X" and then leave him to it!

OP posts:
FallenSky · 20/02/2017 17:59

Why ask for opinions in the first place if you don't actually WANT opinions

Maybe because people keep giving opinions on her parenting rather than the actual question she asked.

glitterazi · 20/02/2017 18:00

Stepping away from screens is sound advice though, I'm trying to do the same myself. In fact, thanks to your thread, I've picked out a book to read in bed tonight

Same, glad for this thread as I've got my colouring books out that I intend to do later for the first time in ages.
Going to force myself to turn the laptop off!

glitterazi · 20/02/2017 18:02

Maybe because people keep giving opinions on her parenting rather than the actual question she asked.

that goes hand in hand though if it affects getting up and getting food etc for the kidsand going back to bed is needed as been up til dawn on the computer.
Whether it's only occasionally or not.

StillStayingClassySanDiego · 20/02/2017 18:02

Oh come on Fallen since when does anyone ever stick to answering the actual question in AIBU?

Original poster
CherrySkull · 20/02/2017 18:02

What would you suggest I look at glitter?

Where exactly am I supposed to squeeze more time to sleep from?

This really is one of those incidences where you're basically being borderline disablist because you have NO CLUE what its like being a carer for a disabled child, none.

I took bloody time for myself, for the first time since Christmas, to lie in bed for an hour and doze while my kids were perfectly safe amusing themselves.

Walk a mile in my shoes before you judge.

OP posts:
Spottytop1 · 20/02/2017 18:03

Does your son go to school?

Maryhadalittlelambstew · 20/02/2017 18:04

I haven't read the full thread but I don't understand why you've asked if you're being unreasonable when you've already decided you're not and are utterly uninterested in any one who thinks otherwise.

I think you're so defensive because you know its unreasonable to leave your DS alone for an hour while you're in bed asleep because of a "hobby" when his autism is severe enough to require you to be a full time carer.

2rebecca · 20/02/2017 18:04

For me going to bed at the same time and chatting to each other etc before we go to sleep is an important part of being married.
All this staying up half the night playing video games etc sounds very studentish, it's also not good for your melatonin levels and mental health.

glitterazi · 20/02/2017 18:09

This really is one of those incidences where you're basically being borderline disablist

You have GOT to be having a laugh with that statement. Seriously? I disagree with you and point out online gaming until 2am isn't good for you and suddenly I'm disablist? Don't be so bloody ridiculous.
I stay up until 2am some mornings, online so I'm not some tucked up in my nighty with my cocoa at 9pm every night.
The difference here is that I KNOW my online actions affect sleep, can make you feel tired the next day, and make you want to go back to bed. Not stick my head in the sand ostrich like and say "la, la, la, not listening."

FallenSky · 20/02/2017 18:12

True words SanDiego. A little part of me always hopes it'll happen one day. Along with people RTFT and pulling their judgey pants out of their arse crack.

One can dream.

Willow2016 · 20/02/2017 18:28

2rebecca
RTFT she isnt playing video games ffs!

She stays up normally cos her son is up, she did stay up later this once since Xmas to get some time with her friends online.
She is an adult she doesnt need telling when she should go to bed!

Again nobody has said why its ok for a man to go out till 4 - 5 am once in a while but not ok for op in her own home, not drinking, not being hungover all morning but having an hours nap! Her kids were fine, they dont need her hovering over them every second of the day.

I am stunned by the deliberate misreading on this thread.

She only asked if she was being unreasonable in thinking her dh was a bit daft in telling her she should be in bed.

Nothing else.
Her family routine (which suits her dh too btw, they spend plenty time together if you would all care to read the posts) hasnt anything to do with one sodding night of her doing something FOR HER to make her feel good and have a chance to talk to friends on the other side of the world.

She isnt on the computer every night till 2am!
She isnt neglecting her kids.
She isnt neglecting her oh

Whats the problem? OH yes everyone has put 2 +2 together got 5 and decided what they THINK op is doing every single night of her life.

Her son doesnt go to school in the fecking holidays. OP has explained that he spends the first 2 days of the holidays destressing from the pressures of school in his sensory room. FFS!

Whywonttheyletmeusemyusername · 20/02/2017 18:31

Pedantic much, SanDiego? The point being, the OP has asked a question which all these judgy MNers are ignoring, and flaming her for something else shes written. I notice one PP said that if she left her child for an hour, said child would be climbing out of window - that is more to do with the way you've bought your child up than anything else. Well said OP - walk a mile in her shoes people

PigletWasPoohsFriend · 20/02/2017 18:31

I have a particular hobby that can keep me up and online until late in the night as the people I do it with live mostly in the USA, so quite often the action doesn't start until 11pm and will go on through our Night.

^ this is from the OP Willow So it may not be a computer but some kind of other device to be online.

HTH.

Ftlofg · 20/02/2017 18:31

YANBU. So many idiots on this thread who are incapable of reading the facts given in the OP's posts, adding a load of fiction to suit their narrative and then getting shirty when their YABU opinion is called out for being based on pure fantasy. Seems to be happening more and more on MN whilst also usually thinly disguising a disablist/racist/anti child view. anyway, YANBU. I mean, someone is actually questioning your carer status because you had the audacity to have one hour of kip. OP, remember you cant argue with stupid.

StillStayingClassySanDiego · 20/02/2017 18:32

Pedantic?

No I don't think so.

StillStayingClassySanDiego · 20/02/2017 18:35

Willow, why are you getting so het up over someone else's thread?

legalcheek789 · 20/02/2017 18:36

YANBU. You're a grown woman, your husband shouldn't be nagging you to go to bed like an infant. Go to bed whenever you want as long as you're able to function properly through the day!

ThatsPlenty · 20/02/2017 18:38

Oh my lord, some people on this thread are ridiculous. OP YANBU to be annoyed about your husband nagging you about the time and going to bed. You sound like an amazing mother, I take my hat off to you, it doesn't sound easy.

To whoever mentioned social servicesConfused....shame on you. You sound like an interfering busybody.

Spottytop1 · 20/02/2017 18:42

No he doesn't - but if he goes to school
There is plenty of 'me time' in the school day during term time .... so only bit of 'me time' since Christmas is not quite accurate is it...

I will add I actually have no issue with the staying up, if OP wants to choose to go online for extra time and go without sleep that is entirely her choice. I would assume her DP was just concern as she gets so little sleep anyway as she chooses to stay awake until 2:30am daily... and it is a choice as many other parents with similar difficulties choose to go to bed at a time that allows for some sleep prior to the first waking.

Other posters are possible confused as the initial post clearly said son wanders - definition of which is to walk around or roam aimlessly... and so the question was raised about the safety of son in the morning if he 'wanders', whilst OP is napping, although now apparently he doesn't leave his room at all and just plays with lego at the bedside... which is very different to wandering.

Anyway DP is not unreasonable - possibly just caring about her wife having even less sleep.

Janet80 · 20/02/2017 18:42

I think you need to ask your OH why he wanted you to go to bed. As much as you don't think these late nights affect your ability, maybe he sees it differently. If my husband stayed up until 4:30 when he was the main caregiver I would be telling him to come to bed too. Not sure if trust anybody in charge of my children after 3 hrs sleep let alone one who needs extra care.
YABU for acting like a child, name calling and accusing people of being disabalist because you don't like what you are hearing. Your OH isn't being unreasonable for wanting you to come to bed to make sure you have some rest.

Willow2016 · 20/02/2017 18:42

Cos its so fecking ridiculous.

She asked a question about one thing. Her hp 'telling her she should be in bed'.

Her parenting skills, her marraige and her kids have been dragged throught the mud!.

As I have said over and over the amount of threads where people have stuck up for some man going out and having some social time with mates and staying out till all hours as its ok to have some 'time out' from the daily grind but its not alright for OP to do it in her own home. Its downright hypocrisy.

If a bloke had asked the same question about going out once since Xmas and his wife telling him to get home to bed then he would not have had the same replies in a million years.

And it doesnt matter if its a computer or not, its her friends she is online with, being creative, as she has already said sometimes she reads a book, sometimes she listens to the radio its not online every flipping night. And even if it was she is passing the time till her ds gets up and she can go to bed, her choice, nobody elses.

Spottytop1 · 20/02/2017 18:44

And the poster above mentioning about my post about my daughter possibly climbing out the window is nothing to do with parenting and everything to do with her disability!

Whisky2014 · 20/02/2017 18:45

Have you asked your husband WHY he was telling you to go to bed? I want to know before making my decision :)

SecretWitch · 20/02/2017 18:45

I am a social worker, Op's situation would never be on my radar. Not one little bit. We are overwhelmed with real cases of abuse and neglect.

glitterazi · 20/02/2017 18:47

RTFT she isnt playing video games ffs!

its actually collaborative/group story writing that we do in a chat environment.. and the nearest I can describe it to is basically text-based LARP. its very edifying and fulfilling tyvm!

OK, just googled LARP.
A live action role-playing game (LARP) is a form of role-playing game where the participants physically act out their characters' actions. The players pursue ..

So a text based live action role playing game, then. So, an online game. Just sounds more in typing and story based.
Sooo.... live action games then just text based.....

Don't know about anyone else but somebody typing downstairs is bloody LOUD at that time of night --as my DH would no doubt tell you too
blush which maybe why he asked if you were coming to bed.....