To travel somewhere alone, sans husband and children?

[4ggggggggggggggggggggggggggyyy]

Husband thinks I have lost the plot but that's nothing new. Anyway.

I have a particular reason for wanting to go to this part of the world, it's really important to me for all sorts of reasons but one very personal and pertinent one. Hence why I really don't want to go with two pre-schoolers crying and whining and demanding.

Since we have no one else to have them (and I wouldn't ask anyway) I still want to go. I have looked at flights on EasyJet and would go for four days in June. I've suggested husband takes some leave and I go. I regularly do this when husband does a long day: in theory it's a twelve hour shift, in practice it's more like thirteen plus travel time.

Husband is Not Happy.

AIBU to say tough, I need to do this, and book a temporary nanny to help him? Or have I lost the plot as he claims?

A few years ago, I travelled to Australia on my own to visit my friend and her DH. Stayed for two weeks. Left my DP and 2 DDs behind. Cost was prohibitive for us all to go plus my DP doesn't get on well with my friend's DH. No issues at all. They came to the airport, waved me off...and were waiting for me when I got back. I Facetimed them when I could when I was away but not every day. Would do it again in a heartbeat...if I could afford it again! My DP travels to visit his old uni mates once a year for a few days when they have a lads get together.
I think all this is completely normal. Would hate for him to stop me doing something on my own and he would resent me stopping him going away on his own.
Go. enjoy. Feel no guilt x
Ps My ExH wouldn't even let me go to the shops on my own without causing a big scene and accusing me of having an affair!

Field- that is a completely ridiculous post.

YANBU!! its only 4 days and is not an appropriate trip for children.

The thing is your not going off on a jolly your going for emotional reasons, I think you should go otherwise you will never be able to put it to bed. I'm sorry but we can all not do things because of our partners and yes somethings things are selfish but you can't have regrettes in this life. We can all feel put out (some men) when the other wants to do something that we don't but there has to be give and take. I don't think your being selfish at all

I hope you go anyway. He knows it's important to you and he is being manipulative and martyred about it.

either he's
too lazy to look after his own kids for a few days - which is really selfish and thoughtless
or more sinister, he's worried he'll lose the tight hold he clearly has on you now if you get away from him and taste freedom for a few days.

It doesn't matter why she wants to go. She just wants to. Either partner should be able to go away for 4 days without it being an even remotely big deal. The conversation should go something like "I really want to go to X for 4 days- when would be a good time for you to take some leave?" "Well, April's pretty busy- would the first week in May be OK?"

I would go on this trip, and if it means alot to you your husband should hopefully appreciate the significance of the trip. But be fair, recognise that he is using his annual leave, and perhaps at a later date allow him also to go on a break away for four days (alone or with friends).

I am a full time working mum, attend conferences alone for work etc. I often find myself eating at a table for 1 in a restaurant and initially it did feel odd. But I got used to it. If anyone questions me, I have some stock responses. I use the same stock responses when I go on a city break myself. Husband is stay at home Dad and I did the exact reverse of your situation. I paid for his holiday, 4 nights in Rome as he needed the break, it was restorative for him. We have decided to do the same again this year, a small city break each and one family holiday (camping).

I hope you know you ANBU at all. Your DH is being lazy and sounds like he's trying to wriggle out of looking after the children for a few days by himself, it can't admit so is being self righteous for other reasons.

Even if it weren't for a personally significant reason, it would still not be unreasonable for you to want to go away for a few days. I hope you do go and I hope that he is gracious about it.

4g You are in an abusive marriage

Your Husband sounds like he behaves like my ex husban did,there were people I wasn't allowed to be friends with,he made me give up work,there was clothes and make-up I wasn't allowed to wear,he wouldn't let me learn to drive and his sulks and tantrums left me feeling so alone,depressed and exhausted.

I think you have more than the problem of him not wanting you to go away for 4 days,you a controlling husband problem!

If he really cared about you and your feelings he would do whatever he could to make it possible for you to go,it's obviously very important to you and your healing process,I'm very sorry for your loss and don't let him dictate how you grieve and for how long,there are no rules when it comes to mourning the loss of someone important to us.

He honestly thinks I'm being completely unreasonable and is being pretty nasty about it. Sorry, everyone

YANBU. When we marry and have a family we are still individuals.
I'd be concerned about a partner that puts a mild inconvenience over you grieving; and who tries to get you to do what he wants and cites other peoples reactions as his reason.

4g dont be sorry, you havent done anything wrong

My husband goes skiing every year with his friends leaving me to look after for 8 days.

It's tough for 8 days as I work full time aswell during that time however he really loves the time away and I'm free to do same if I want and would take 4/5 days city break with the girls.

Your hb needs to man up and start looking after his kids on his own. It's a bit sad he doesn't feel capable. Maybe he lacks confidence in his parenting skills - it is daunting at first if he isn't the hands on Dad and spends most of time working but once he has done it he'll feel more confident and realise that time alone with own kids can also be rewarding. And it's only 4 days FFS - that's just no time at all! What would happen if you had to travel away for work? I had to stay away for 10 days once and my husband did the lot. He doesn't sound like a modern man- he needs to change his perspective and get stuck in. The children are 50% his responsibility. As for you going away alone - can't think why that would be weird or abnormal. Its just another excuse he is using for his ineptitude.

Totally NBU. My DH and I do this each year. We are lucky that we both have 30 days annual leave. I have 5days/nights away and so does he once a year. He plays golf with friends each July and I do what I fancy. Still leaves us with enough 'family' time. We both feel better having had our time away and gives the other a reminder of how it is to juggle work with school drop offs and pick ups on our own. If DH wanted to take this time away I would be gutted. I can understand for financial reasons but to do it so that he has some kind of hold over me, no way.

This is a deeply disturbing thread. I am genuinely concerned for you OP - as in, beyond even 'just' the you being 'allowed' to go on what is clearly both a deeply personal and much needed pilgrimage.

Your 'D'H is coming across as a deeply insecure and needy individual, bordering on (if not already over into?) grounds of control and emotional abuse.

There is zero question in my mind that you should, of course, go. You are patently NBU.

There are many questions in my mind about whether you have a true grasp of the horribly unhealthy dynamics at play in your relationship. Your husband sounds as if he has you precisely where he wants you - irrespective of your own needs and wants; your own agency as a separate entity.

I would urge you to get the closure you need on your bereavement and to tend to your own needs and your own future, including getting back into the workplace so you are not utterly dependent on this feeble but bullying twunt and also so that your own horizons extend beyond home and his 'wishes'.

Lastly, I'd repeat (as I think it's important given it's pretty illuminating) that AIBU is usually a bloody bunfight; the fact that bar the lone 50's throwback it's a unanimous YANBU should really be telling you something. Please listen?

"He honestly thinks I'm being completely unreasonable and is being pretty nasty about it. Sorry, everyone"

Please don't be sorry.

He has no right to be nasty, just because you want to do something he doesn't understand. If you wanted to take up the Peruvian nose flute, he shouldn't need to understand it to love and cherish you enough to support you in something that makes you happy/more at peace at a low cost to himself. That's what a relationship is about.

It doesn't entitle him to be nasty, but does he feel insecure perhaps? Do you spend most of the time together normally, and he's just not used to the idea that you'd want to do something by yourself?
My ex wasn't at all comfortable when I wanted to go out with friends from work, but he was just insecure, I don't think that made him controlling or abusive - I tried to put his mind at rest, and went.

Maybe you should calmly but firmly, tell him you are going, and want him to help you plan it, and work out what he's unsure about on the practical side of things, so that the arrangements work best for him.

DH and I both go away alone sometimes; just for a break.You aren't this unusual creature, y'know!

Honestly, I am COMPLETELY hearing what you're all saying, but I've also got him in my head and he sounds so reasonable even though he isn't ... I don't know.

In what way does he sound reasonable?

I nentioned a compromise earlier, would he you consider that?

OK.

Breathe.

You said up thread you often just give in to avoid an atmosphere. Have you said that 'out loud' before?

Sit with that for a while. Let it sink in.

As he knows this username, I'd consider changing your login and chatting again when you are ready.

Take care

I'm always having to compromise, it's all I ever do

If it meant going or not going then I would compromise and go for a shorter time, we all know that he is being unreasonable etc, but... this could bring the situation around for you ?

Then this time DONT compromise. You've almost got a unanimous YANBU which rarely happens on AIBU.

While you are away I think you should also have a serious think about your relationship. It doesn't sound healthy at all. Or supportive. It sounds like you are smothered by him.