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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

To refuse to get my child out of the car to apologise?

344 replies

LionEggMeg · 19/02/2017 17:38

I was leaving a supermarket yesterday with my children. As i herded them towards the car, the littlest, who happens to have very poor auditory issues, ran ahead and opened his car door against the door of the next car, and jumped in, oblivious, and put on his seat belt. The owner of the car next to us said "did he bang that?" and looked but there was no damage. She got in the car with her child, but then her friend, about to get into the passenger seat, said "please get him out of the car to applogise." I refused, I said i would speak to him about it and in all likelihood he wouldnt have known he had done it. She was quite insistant, and i continued to refuse politely and put the others in the car and I said he is 6 and has [a form of] autism. She said 6 was nothing but would "let him off". I did speak to him and he was very sorry and I am sure he wont do it again, but I dont think there was anything to be gained by humiliating him in front of a stranger, and it wasnt even her car!

aibu?

OP posts:
misshelena · 20/02/2017 13:41

Why do you think it's "humiliating" for ds to apologize for something he did?? What's so humiliating with apologizing when one has made a mistake?? Why don't you want to teach him to own up to his own mistakes?

Wantagoodname · 20/02/2017 13:47

What the hell is going on here..
Most confusing thread I've read in a while!
Why do people keep making up crap about the op?
A man knocked my car just yesterday and put up his hand to say sorry, should I have asked him to get out of his car and apologise? The op said sorry on behalf of her child, I regularly say sorry on behalf of my 8 year old- she doesn't always notice what's happened.

PuppyMonkey · 20/02/2017 13:52

Wow, this thread. Shock

PandorasAlmightyBox · 20/02/2017 13:54

OP why do you keep trying to psychoanalyze everyone on here? You keep repeating the same rhetoric over and over about projection and extrapolation

I think people are trolling the fuck out of you to see the extent of your Psychology knowledge

Why don't you treat them with the level of respect they deserve and tell them to fuck off.

Thinnestofthinice · 20/02/2017 14:00

LionEgg I'm not really sure what you are on about or why you want to keep this going or what you are even arguing about to be honest. To be honest I'm not sure why you have started an AIBU when you clearly don't think you are wrong and all other opinions are clearly people who are WRONG and bizarre etc. Just supervise your son around cars and doors, think I've said that point x10000000 but it's still not going in your head and you still aren't acknowledging it. I wanted reassurance that you will take that in as I don't want to think of your little lad getting hurt or having horrible people starting on you in the future in front of him. Kids and cars unsupervised do not mix. If you do always supervise him then you have no problem- only you know if this is the case or not. Have a nice day and move on now.

PuppyMonkey · 20/02/2017 14:09

"Have a nice day and move on now."
Grin

Irony.

gandalf456 · 20/02/2017 14:09
Grin
BurningBridges · 20/02/2017 14:18

Oo hello Lion still saying no to stupid I see! So just to recap for the hard of understanding, yesterday I said "My elderly neighbour is not used to travelling in cars as she is (a) very elderly and (b) her family never had a car. We parked up in my car she was in the front passenger seat, she simply opened the door to get out and the passenger door knocked the car next to us. No one said anything but I did apologise and explain to the driver afterwards, who said hey no worries. Like any normal person would. Alternatively she could have demand the old girl give an apology or even got her in an arm lock across the bonnet (why not eh? Surely she deserved it?) but as the other driver was not a fuck wit, she said "no worries".

Posters then kindly suggested that the old dear should have reins and stuff like that, and I said she'd go for the reins. However, she is now refusing to hold my hand in the car park and god can she run fast. She has agreed that if I have any other elderly neighbours in the car, like an elderly neighbour limo party, I can lock the fuckers in so they don't fling those car doors wide. The Elderly Neighbours wanting a lift group have said that if anyone wants them to apologise they'll need to know that these people were in the war (see? I told you they were VERY elderly) and they've beaten Hitler so that people like the woman in the OP's encounter COULD be shitty to 6 year olds in the free world and that other twats could come onto any nationwide forum and defend their right to be shitty.

BTW I missed all the sparkly new posts as I've been out for ages shopping for a new car.

misshelena · 20/02/2017 14:27

Wantagood -- not sure if you are referring to my post, but if you are, here's a direct quote from OP's first post:

"but I dont think there was anything to be gained by humiliating him in front of a stranger,"

Just don't want you accidentally lump me with others you think are "making up crap about OP".

Wantagoodname · 20/02/2017 14:34

miss I'm on about the people saying they don't think the op seems very sorry. And that they feel this is a regular occurrence. Based on what?!

Wantagoodname · 20/02/2017 14:36

Depends what mood my 8 year old was in but in all likely hood I would have just said a quick sorry and got in the car and said to her you knocked that car, careful next time.

Original poster
LionEggMeg · 20/02/2017 14:45

MissHelena my son would not have understood what was going on, what he would be told to apologise for, or what had hapoened until we were able to quietly sit down and discuss it, away from a total stranger, in a strange environment. To get him out would have been massively confusing for him. He has autism. Did you miss that bit, or are you one of the thickets that think that it can be parented away. I apologised on his behalf, a point i made repeatedly. Do you understand?

OP posts:
Thinnestofthinice · 20/02/2017 14:48

why do you think you might be unreasonable OP? Just curious.

JassyRadlett · 20/02/2017 14:49

Pandoras, you know that extrapolation isn't anything to do with psychology, right?

Wouldn't want you to get confused.

Tiredmumno1 · 20/02/2017 14:50

This is getting ridiculous Hmm

OP just ignore.

Thinnestofthinice · 20/02/2017 15:00

Yup keep not supervising your kid and nearly causing damage. I can only assume that some of you are the types who let your precious darling run around unsupervised then cry when someone snaps at you or the child gets hurt.

Tiredmumno1 · 20/02/2017 15:08

Actually I am the complete opposite, so you carry on speculating Smile

Wantagoodname · 20/02/2017 15:26

You make a lot of assumptions don't you thinnest

YouTheCat · 20/02/2017 15:34

Wrong again! Wow, you're on a roll there.

My children are now adults. They are both on the autistic spectrum. Dd was never one for doing any running around, unsupervised and has always been very much compliant. Ds was also never one to run amok in public as his anxiety was so sky high he'd cling like a limpet.

Having children with autism can often mean that the extra amount of supervision required is tantamount to never ever being able to take your eye off them for a second. It can be utterly exhausting.

Referring to a child with autism as a 'precious darling' in such a sarcastic manner is very fucking rude and just goes to show you have no idea.

DixieNormas · 20/02/2017 15:49

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

JassyRadlett · 20/02/2017 16:10

I can only assume that some of you are the types who let your precious darling run around unsupervised then cry when someone snaps at you or the child gets hurt.

Actually, it's amazing, that's not actually the only thing you can do. Rather than making assumptions where you feel something isn't clear (and often being wrong, as it turns out), you can actually ask people questions. It's a form of communication called a 'conversation' that forums like this, that enable real time back and forth, are quite well suited to.

Have you come across it before? It might help with the frustration of feeling you have to fill in all the gaps of a person's life and thought processes from a few lines of information.

misshelena · 20/02/2017 16:31

Calm down OP. My question was a fair one -- you said that it's 'humiliating" for him to apologize. I disagree, regardless of autism (btw, I did read that). Even if he doesn't understand at that moment what was going on, it still is NOT "humiliating" to apologize. I just don't believe that it is ever "humiliating" to own up to one's mistakes.

YOU are the one who feels "humiliated", not him. Your misplaced pride is getting in the way of reasonable parenting. There is no need to call me "thick". Calm down.

misshelena · 20/02/2017 16:33

Wantagood -- thanks for clarifying.

YouTheCat · 20/02/2017 16:40

But the OP did apologise. What value would there be in her dragging her bemused, child with autism from the car to issue an apology for not damaging a car?

It may not have been humiliating for the young lad but that is purely because he would probably have no idea what he was saying sorry for. It may very well have been very distressing though for him to be told to get out of the car for no reason. Have you any experience of a full autistic meltdown?

misshelena · 20/02/2017 16:51

YouTheCat - I guess I missed the part about her ds being severely autistic! I just know that most 6yo's, including those with less severe form of autism, would be ok to apologize for their own mistakes at that age. It was not the OP who banged the car, it was her son.

And you are right -- "humiliating" is not the right word because it should never ever be "humiliating" to apologize for one's mistake.