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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

To refuse to get my child out of the car to apologise?

344 replies

LionEggMeg · 19/02/2017 17:38

I was leaving a supermarket yesterday with my children. As i herded them towards the car, the littlest, who happens to have very poor auditory issues, ran ahead and opened his car door against the door of the next car, and jumped in, oblivious, and put on his seat belt. The owner of the car next to us said "did he bang that?" and looked but there was no damage. She got in the car with her child, but then her friend, about to get into the passenger seat, said "please get him out of the car to applogise." I refused, I said i would speak to him about it and in all likelihood he wouldnt have known he had done it. She was quite insistant, and i continued to refuse politely and put the others in the car and I said he is 6 and has [a form of] autism. She said 6 was nothing but would "let him off". I did speak to him and he was very sorry and I am sure he wont do it again, but I dont think there was anything to be gained by humiliating him in front of a stranger, and it wasnt even her car!

aibu?

OP posts:
SouthWestmom · 19/02/2017 23:59

No worries, one of mine had glue ear and still (obviously!) has ASD . Wouldn't have heard the bang in the first place and wouldn't have understood the anger at an invisible mark on something not belonging to the angry person!

Flowers for you as it's too late for Wine

stoopido · 20/02/2017 00:04

If your kid did this to my door I would be pissed off with you for not supervising your child and believe me you would know about it. You may not give a shit about your car but I do mine so yes if you were acting all entitled and not apologising on his behalf then you would be getting an earful from me and possibly a bill for repairs; along with the video evidence from the camera installed in my car.

Original poster
LionEggMeg · 20/02/2017 00:09

Well quite, Stoopido, but that isnt what happened.Hmm

OP posts:
salsmum · 20/02/2017 00:10

I parked in a car park and took my disabled daughter into a shop...I came out to find that the white car parked next to me had opened his door onto mine it was more than apparent because there was no room for him to open his door without bashing mine ( and the white paint was a dead give away) I had, had little sleep the night before and had my period on to boot..I could just about afford the shopping I'd brought and now I was going to have to pay for damaged paint to my daughters mobility vehicle, go to a certain garage and pay the first £75 of any repair ( the paint was metallic). I was also caring for my mum at the time who had the start of a Dementia although lived in sheltered accommodation. I waited for the couple to come back and he looked embarrassed that he clearly could not get into the car the same way as he'd got out without giving the game away. I asked him why he'd done it, he denied it and I really had a go at him because he didn't apologise and really didn't care about what he'd done . Looking back I'd have probably done the same thing because he'd caused damage and I was the one who had to foot the bill...what I'm saying op is that you don't know why the ladies friend acted in that way and what stresses she has to deal with..to an outsider I may have come over as BU to this couple. IYSWIM

Asparagusupmynose · 20/02/2017 00:17

Salsman- It takes a special kind of shit person to take their stresses out on a 6 year old, even without the other issues. If people get off on picking on small children, then they have a duty to be medicated or removed from soceity IMO. Is she wanted to take her stresses out on someone, she should have gone to the nearest dive bar and picked on the biggest bloke in it. That would have been adult to adult.

Original poster
LionEggMeg · 20/02/2017 00:17

Yes of course Salsmum. It is wirth trying to be mindful of the stuff other people have goung on too. That sounded like a very tough time.Flowers

OP posts:
bumsexatthebingo · 20/02/2017 00:18

Except the other driver wouldn't have to pay to repair any damage as there wasn't any.

OneWithTheForce · 20/02/2017 00:23

If your kid did this to my door I would be pissed off with you for not supervising your child and believe me you would know about it

you would be getting an earful from me

Do you have a very loud voice? Because if it were me I wouldn't hang around to entertain your temper. You'd need to shout very loud for me to hear you as I was driving.

Thinnestofthinice · 20/02/2017 00:32

You aren't grasping this- this has nothing to do with your child, it is to do with you and the fact you don't seem bothered about other people's things or ensuring your child is safe entering your vehicle. You were lucky it did not dint the car, end of. It potentially could have done. Car doors typically dint when banged against metal. Then some daft passenger would have been the least of your worries as you would have been out of pocket. Love the assumption my child has no form of SEN by the way. My closest relatives also have autism so go figure. The problem is you and not your child.

Original poster
LionEggMeg · 20/02/2017 00:37

Still projecting Thinnest! I have no idea why, nor do I care why you think Im not bothered about other people's property and I gently suggest again that your posts are about YOUR experience of yoyr doir getting damaged, not mine, when nothing was damaged.

OP posts:
Oswin · 20/02/2017 00:49

Stoopido certainly got your name right didn't you?

Gosh this thread is full of fucking cunts.

Thinnestofthinice · 20/02/2017 00:51

Nah your still not getting the point. Which kind of proves my point. The fact you didn't mention at all you apologized in your first post as if it is unimportant and that you are arguing with everyone on here who is suggesting the people in the other car maybe have a right to be a little bit annoyed (however misguided and uninformed) reinforces that. Again you were lucky it wasn't damaged and you should bank that positive element from today. If a daft woman got irate then that is the direct result of your lack of supervision unfortunately. Supervise your child opening the door if only for their own safety next time and move on. If you knew me you would know I am not precious about cars in the slightest - I just believe in taking every precaution to look after things around me that belong to me. Accidents happen but you need to have a think about how this was caused (and NO, your son was not at fault).

Thinnestofthinice · 20/02/2017 00:52

*dont belong to me.

BridgeRiverTower · 20/02/2017 01:01

I agree, Asparagusupmynose!

Octuscactus · 20/02/2017 04:07

I would look at her and say "sorry!" Before she said anything.

If then she said he should apologise I would tell her to fuck off

Octuscactus · 20/02/2017 04:10

What would your child say anyway? Something like "I'm sorry to NOT cause any damage to your door"? People need to grow up

JassyRadlett · 20/02/2017 07:08

The fact you didn't mention at all you apologized in your first post as if it is unimportant

Or that it went without saying, so she didn't? Which she has rectified quite a few times since then.

It must be awfully wearying to go through life assuming the worst motivations for people's behaviour.

LouKout · 20/02/2017 07:48

People are getting awfully worked up about someone elses door.

wheresthewine36 · 20/02/2017 08:54

Wow.
I had no idea there were so many perfect people in the world. People whose children have never, ever let go of their parents hand. People who are able to actually see an incident without being there and thus instantly know how far ahead a child is from their mother, how busy a carpark is, how much force a young child opened a door with, how quickly a mother apologised and, AND how a child with autism can learn not to be autistic.
You people are either unrecognised superheroes who can save us all from the day to day trials and tribulations of life or...Or you're massive, judgemental knobheads.
OP. None of my children have any form of autism. I wouldn't have got my child out of the car to apologise for an accident which caused no damage and which I had already apologised for.
Posters who believe they instinctively know exactly how to parent other people's children : Fuck off.
Posters who believe their cars are more important than children : fuck off.
If your car is that precious, leave it in the fucking garage.

CripsSandwiches · 20/02/2017 09:37

YANBU presumably if the car had been damaged you would have paid. It wasn't so no harm both Foul. It's not up to her how you handle your DS.

Thinnestofthinice · 20/02/2017 09:44

Get a grip it's basic safety just like not opening the oven door or wearing a seatbelt. It doesn't make someone any sort of perfect parent to open a car door for a kid who needs extra help and to grab hold of hold their hand across a car park.

YouTheCat · 20/02/2017 09:48

I've concluded that this is the thread where the hard of thinking are hanging out, currently.

Is it just me or are people, in general, not just on MN, getting nastier?

purplecollar · 20/02/2017 09:49

No I don't think she should be demanding apologies from small dc. Your apology should have been enough.

For a dc this age I'd still have the child lock on and open the door myself for them. Probably because I knew someone who's dc had a tragic accident opening their door on the road side.

Mine are older now but I still tell them - don't open the door, it's quite close to that car, I'll hold it for you. Because it's not something they'd think about even now.

But I wouldn't be hauling them out because my apology wasn't enough for someone.

YouTheCat · 20/02/2017 09:52

Thinnest, have you actually read and understood anything the OP has written?

She has said that the car was unlocked because her father was in it. The car door was not pulled open with any force or there would have been damage and there was none. The OP apologised at the time. Presumably, the OP was carrying some bags, or pushing a trolley, as she was in the supermarket. Have you no concept of a momentary lapse in concentration whilst trying to do three things at once? You seem to lack empathy as well as comprehension skills.

Thinnestofthinice · 20/02/2017 09:57

And Jassy- I really wouldn't be assuming the worst if she'd supervised her kid properly. That's the problem- it is not the woman, not the child, not really even the other car or its door. If it was a totally random moment where the hand slipped and the OP was helpless to stop her child then I would understand. From how she writes however it really doesn't sound that way at all. I honestly think her child does this frequently and I just want her to stop the child doing it for their own safety! A) to stop any hotheaded person starting on the mother in future (there are far worse than this silly passenger out there) which would be very frightening for any kid to witness. And B) for the child's physical safety- at 6 regardless, car doors are pretty dangerous to use on their own. In my time I've heard of broken fingers and black front teeth (my best friend at secondary) because of car doors being used by young children. I've also seen damage to other cars. There was also nothing to stop the other car setting off when the child was alongside it and they wouldn't be very visible. Again, basic safety, nothing near perfect parenting unless you bring your child up in pretty atrocious conditions.

If you do supervise your child each time OP then fine, you are right and I've nothing further to add. I'm not too sure what on earth your AIBU though in that case. If not honestly just have a think.