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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to want to curl up and die

164 replies

Cottonheadedninnnymuggins · 18/02/2017 21:45

Just had yet another row with DH because he doesn't get enough sex. Yet again he's told me I'm not normal, I don't wear make up often enough or make an effort for him, I'm not feminine enough.

I've gave up everything to support him through ten years of studying for his chosen profession, I've forgiven an affair (which destroyed me) and given him three beautiful sons. I'm tired, his business is failing and he took a huge pay cut years ago, the stress is intolerable. I can't sleep and no I don't feel like having fucking sex. I feel like I can't carry on, but there's no way out. I feel worthless.

OP posts:
Joanna0685 · 19/02/2017 22:51

I think that by posting this, you know it is time to leave. You will get a load of support on here from all the lovely people, just take a deep breath and make a plan how? I wish you all the luck in the world X

Italiangreyhound · 19/02/2017 23:22

Shnorbitz well done for getting out.

Italiangreyhound · 19/02/2017 23:38

Strygil "All according to the OP, who is telling it from her pov, a pov which has been accepted without question, and whose husband has been branded a cunt as a result of this acceptance. I'd like to hear his side of it, but there is no chance of that."

Welcome to Mumsnet. This is how it works. We never get the other side of the story. So we have to decide if we believe the OP. If we don't entirely believe the OP* is posting the story fairly we can question things like, 'did he really mean that when he said that' etc.

If we think the OP is totally lying, why bother posting?

I know some people come on and tell tall stories but I don't think most do. This all sounds very truthful and very sad.

marthastew · 19/02/2017 23:51

What a stupid knob he is to let a woman like you go by treating her so badly.

One day in the not so distant future you won't have to waste your energy on even thinking about him, let alone all the other stuff you do for him now.

VodkaLimeSoda27 · 20/02/2017 00:09

Hi OP. Wish I had something useful to add besides you sounds lovely and you deserve so much better than this. I hope you leave him soon and start afresh with your DS's Flowers

LapsedPacifist · 20/02/2017 00:46

Flowers Flowers Dear Cotton, please consider a name change! The fact your beautiful boys are aware of the situation is all the justification you need for making these changes. They need a strong mother who isn't being treated with contempt by their father. Life WILL be so much easier when you are free of this grinding misery. Keep posting here and you'll get so much emotional and practical support.

justilou · 20/02/2017 02:04

Another on Team Cotton here. Wow! You have had a pretty interesting 24 hours! I hope you manage to get him out of the house for long enough to get the info you need to take to your solicitor. The fact hat you've been doing the bills is great! Make sure you change your passwords so he can't delete the financial histories, etc.
You are doing your kids a massive service by claiming your life back. Your husband sounds (at best) like a complete bully. I have a feeling that his awful behaviour is not just aimed at you.
One thing I do want to mention is that while Mumnet is a great, supportive forum for people like you at times when you need it most (most of the time, anyway...) - there are forums out there that I suspect your husband may find, with a very woman-hating agenda. His comments and attitude lead me to believe that he's the kind of man who may go looking for this. There will be all kinds of legal advice and sneaky tactics on hand for him also. Be very careful. If you can check his search engines daily you might find some things to screenshot and send to yourself for future reference also.
I wish you all the best of luck dealing with that douchebag and I hope you really love the new/old you again! X

MrsWembley · 20/02/2017 09:24

How are things this morning, Cotton? You are sounding incredibly strong! I hope you can keep it up Smile

Sugarpiehoneyeye · 20/02/2017 09:37

Stay strong Lovely, you're doing incredibly well, you really are. 🌺

Original poster
Cottonheadedninnnymuggins · 20/02/2017 10:10

Good morning, so yesterday was strained but polite. He didn't apologise but I didn't expect him too as he never admits to being wrong. He's gone to work this morning and now he's out my anxiety levels have gone sky high, but onwards and upwards! The boys are all back at school on Wednesday so that will give me the space to start planning. I've put up with so much shit over the years I can't let it defeat me now.

OP posts:
Original poster
Cottonheadedninnnymuggins · 20/02/2017 10:16

A couple of you have sent me fabulous messages, but I can't respond! When I try to send a reply, a blank box with the word close pops up and the message doesn't send. So please don't think I'm ignoring you, I'm just technologically challenged 😀

OP posts:
MumW · 20/02/2017 10:31

I'd also be worried about the effect that his attitude towards women was having on your sons.

Get some advice - you don't have to act on it until you are ready, if at all - however, I'm sure that knowing what your/your sons options are will be empowering. Far from being worthless, you have managed a household and family despite the shit thrown at you by your OH. Talk to your gp about your low self esteem and talk to citizens advice about your financial situation.

Women don't have to lie back and think of England anymore, rape within marriage is recognised and they are no longer the pocession of their husbands.

Good Luck.

Mysty · 20/02/2017 10:35

He's making you feel like shit and still expects you to want to have sex with him ?
I'd tell him to jog on. Pack a bag for him and tell him to grow up.

Original poster
Cottonheadedninnnymuggins · 20/02/2017 10:54

MumW, thankfully the boys absolutely know their Dad is wrong. I've brought them up to have a healthy respect for women and they are absolutely lovely. It would break my heart if they thought the way their Dad is with me was normal.

OP posts:
Julju · 20/02/2017 11:14

Shnorbitz - fucking awful!!! Glad you managed to get out and looking back, though unpleasant, must be so much better than being in that hellish relationship.

OP - just read your first post and skipped to the end and so relieved you're thinking of getting out. PLEASE try it at least - you will be happier. Even if you're back to where you were pre-him imagine having that confidence again! Imagine everything that is out there for you FlowersWineCakeSmile

Nanny0gg · 20/02/2017 11:29

Cottonheadedninnnymuggins

If you want, ask for this to be moved to Relationships. The helpful people on here can follow you and as you go through the process there will be lots more helpful advice from those who have been where you are and moved on to much better places.

Wishing you the best of luck. Flowers

PegaGryf · 20/02/2017 11:30

cotton
You are worth more than this. You're not a blow up doll. Run for the fucking hills.

roarityroar · 20/02/2017 11:34

What a total bastard. Keep going OP. He sounds like a pathetic failure, a bully, insecure and just ugh. You are better. You deserve better.!

MumW · 20/02/2017 16:40

" I've brought them up to have a healthy respect for women and they are absolutely lovely. It would break my heart if they thought the way their Dad is with me was normal."

Sterling effort, Cotton. You deserve a medal if you've achieved this with such a role model.

butterfly990 · 20/02/2017 18:54

In terms of his business this website maybe useful. If the company is a Ltd company you can set about dissolving it and the debts depending on the various factors can die with the company. Worth a read anyway. It would need him to accept that the company isn't salvageable and act accordingly.

www.ukbusinessforums.co.uk/forums/insolvency.163/

Sending hugs x

Original poster
Cottonheadedninnnymuggins · 23/02/2017 17:55

Today I applied for a job, part time working in the library of our local sixth form college so if I got it I could carry on with my freelance work. Putting in a job application doesn't sound like much but I'm chuffed to bits I managed to put my anxieties to one side and do something positive...operation 'free the fanny' is go!

OP posts:
Breadnroses · 23/02/2017 18:25

That's a great step Cotton
You can do this, you are already proving it to yourself Flowers

MrsWembley · 23/02/2017 23:50

Cotton, that's excellent!

Your strength of mind is surely visible to him now? Has he challenged you on anything? Are you worried about his reaction?

notapizzaeater · 24/02/2017 09:23

Good for you, smAll steps x

dowhatnow · 24/02/2017 09:32

Well done op. You are moving forward.

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