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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to want to curl up and die

164 replies

Cottonheadedninnnymuggins · 18/02/2017 21:45

Just had yet another row with DH because he doesn't get enough sex. Yet again he's told me I'm not normal, I don't wear make up often enough or make an effort for him, I'm not feminine enough.

I've gave up everything to support him through ten years of studying for his chosen profession, I've forgiven an affair (which destroyed me) and given him three beautiful sons. I'm tired, his business is failing and he took a huge pay cut years ago, the stress is intolerable. I can't sleep and no I don't feel like having fucking sex. I feel like I can't carry on, but there's no way out. I feel worthless.

OP posts:
Dagnabit · 18/02/2017 23:47

I don't post that much but Strygil, you're a goady fucker on almost every thread I've read lately.

devuskums · 18/02/2017 23:48

Your fanny is NOT redundant. It is on strike.

BeccaAnn · 18/02/2017 23:51

Do you rent or own (mortgage) the house? would it be feasible to have a lodger for a while to help with bills (if you have space)? maybe a student or young professional looking for somewhere decent and cheap to stay? (obviously you'd vet them etc). as your DC's are under 18 you would get Child tax credits, Working Tax Credit, Child Benefit , Child Maintenance, single occupancy Council tax discount, potentially get help from the local council for housing or council tax rates. have your DC's just started their exams or are the final tests this year? if so talk to their respective year heads about the upheaval they'll be able to support your DC's.

Wishing you all the best xxx

Rockingaround · 18/02/2017 23:52

This is my first LTB! But oh so deserved! Christ I'm fuming for you OP, how dare he speak to you like that! I'd have had to have said "you just don't satisfy me, the thought of you anywhere near me makes me sick, get out - now!!" Please do that OP, just get him out, never mind abut finances, at least you'll retain yourself and you have your boys, let him and his business crumble. Once you have some head space - he's not there - you can think about how to apply for financial support and look into renting somewhere for you and the boys, let him have the fucking house and it's negative equity, you'd be much better off starting with a clean slate now, as will your boys. I'm livid on your behalf, what an absolutely dispicable human being ... For you Flowers

Jermajesty · 19/02/2017 00:00

Two things struck me from your posts - the lie back & think of England comment, which just shows he has no interest in your sexual pleasure / satisfaction at all. And the one about taking comfort from people thinking you're abnormal if anyone knew your situation. Utter bollocks. Who'd want to shag him.
You don't have to stay.

Draylon · 19/02/2017 00:01

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Rockingaround · 19/02/2017 00:22

I know you're absolutely right Draylon I was just so cross ... Sorry OP Blush

I'd act in haste and kick him out whilst I screamed his head off ...but I'm a hot-head and id most definitely regret reacting so impulsively. Although what if there isn't any ducks? From the Op it seems they have nothing by way of equity, maybe they have debts? No savings and his business is failing ... If I was 100% sure that was the case and there was nothing worth biding my time for I'd just want rid of him as soon as possible.

Although things are never that black and white are they, if you can bide your time and you can manage to hold things together and its worth it .... Do a Draylon POW !! It'll hit him harder in the long run.

Rockingaround · 19/02/2017 00:24
  • aren't any ducks
Draylon · 19/02/2017 00:29

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Rockingaround · 19/02/2017 00:41

👊 Yes! Op needs to figure out what's in the pot...sort the proverbial wheat. Hope you're ok OP wishing you luck x

GrommitsEarsHurt · 19/02/2017 00:47

You are absolutely right, he is treating you terribly. What a horrible bloke. No wonder you don't want sex with him, who would?

I bet your children will be pleased that their mum can stand up for herself and say no more.

I never wear makeup and rarely shave my legs. I'm like Chewbacca's hairier sister. My husband, like most men, could not give a toss. Your husband is not a nice man.

AnnieAnoniMouse · 19/02/2017 00:56

FMD. He's a deluded prick isn't he.

I'm livid on your behalf at the things he's said.

I could highlight every comment he's made & tell you why it's so wrong, but you already know don't you?!

Lie back & think of England - OMG you are going to LOVE being single once you've found out what good sex is like, with an attitude like that, he's clearly not any good

Between you it's now been said. It's over. Please stay strong & don't let him talk you around or fear of the unknown make you back down. Go through with it this time, ou regret not doing so last time, don't make more regrets

Re the boys exams, they'll be fine. They're not stupid, they know things aren't good. The sooner you get sorted separately the better for everyone - well, those that natter. H can go sulk wherever the hell he likes.

💐Stay strong, you can do this.

Italiangreyhound · 19/02/2017 01:03

Cotton "He's sleeping downstairs, I've emasculated him apparently, and I need to know that if all this ends he wanted me, it was me that didn't want him."

I assume that is him talking!

Do not sink to his level.

Maybe you wanted him to be a normal husband who cared about you, not just about a shag! And you did want him and supported him through training etc!

You even stayed with him in spite of an affair. You definitely wanted him, but having an affair, just using you for support and sex, etc, that does call into question if he really wanted you.

I am not saying he did not want you. I expect he did. But he has also been horrible to you and that does not suggest he wants you now!

You do not need to stoop to his level but do keep in mind (as I know you are) what is really going on.

Italiangreyhound · 19/02/2017 01:15

Strygil "I'm astonished by the shallow, judgemental misandry of most of the posts on this thread. Without knowing any of the back-story of a long marriage, people are calling this man a cunt and worse."

We do know some of the back story, the OP has told us. No one is man-hating here!

Posters are angry on behalf of the OP that she has stood by her husband while he did training, when he had an affair and when he made poor choices! Yet he is ridiculing her in her own home!

'Without knowing the back story'! ha bloody ha.

Original poster
Cottonheadedninnnymuggins · 19/02/2017 08:13

He's awake, I feel so anxious

OP posts:
Original poster
Cottonheadedninnnymuggins · 19/02/2017 08:13

He's awake, I feel so anxious

OP posts:
LordPercy · 19/02/2017 08:17

Just try and tune out whatever complete crap he comes out with. Don't give him the power to make you feel like shit. He's obviously a complete twatwaffle and you don't need to sink to his level. Don't engage, don't give him the satisfaction. Keep your eye on the prize, start planning, and let him believe his own fiction. You not reacting as you would usually do will unnerve him, the twat.

JanuaryMoods · 19/02/2017 08:20

I used to be feisty, confident and funny.

And you will be again. Get the prick out of your life and rebuild. You sound like a lovely person who deserves so much better.

PollytheDolly · 19/02/2017 08:31

Your redundant fanny is worth a lot more than your useless cunt. Get rid of one and the other may well pop out of retirement.

Ah. This. 👍

C4Envelope · 19/02/2017 08:32

Sending a hand hold OP. Flowers go get a cuppa and do as everyone has advised - start thinking about getting your ducks in a row. That will keep you occupied and its something to look forward to! He can go fuck himself - he sounds abhorrent.

PoppyFleur · 19/02/2017 08:36

OP - I cannot imagine how you must be feeling, living with stress and tension is nerve shredding.

Your husband is by the sounds of it, deflecting his failures by focusing the blame on your perceived shortcomings. See his pathetic attempts to put you down for what they are.

If now is not the right time to leave because of the children's exams, so be it but you have to formulate a plan and gain strength from knowing you have an exit strategy. There is no point staying for the children if all they are to witness is their mother deteriorate before their eyes. You all deserve better than that.

Good luck OP, there is a wealth of knowledge and experience on here, please keep posting whenever you need support. Flowers

flamingnoravera · 19/02/2017 08:38

You can get over the anxiety, feel it as excitement. Things are changing, you are on your way to escaping the twat. You could adopt the ice queen response, don't react to anything he says, stay icy cold and get on with your own day.
I think you have opened the blinds and glimpsed the light outside, I think you have already taken the first steps to escape.

SecondsLeft · 19/02/2017 08:41

Just wanted to say, my parents split just before my GCSE's, and no, it wasn't ideal - but I'm ok, and tbh them warring or unravelling at that time but living under the same roof would have been just as bad or worse, and my Mum should not have delayed it because she had established her 'red lines' and she was not to blame. I respect her for it. Strength and peace to you lovely.

RhiWrites · 19/02/2017 08:42

OP, at 46 you have half your life ahead of you. Don't waste any more of it on this dick.

Your kids will be greatful. Think of the horrible example they're seeing living with this shiftless wanker.

SmellySphinx · 19/02/2017 08:44

Haha is this prick for real??!! Seriously your self esteem and mental well being is far more important than a life time with this loser.