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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to want to curl up and die

164 replies

Cottonheadedninnnymuggins · 18/02/2017 21:45

Just had yet another row with DH because he doesn't get enough sex. Yet again he's told me I'm not normal, I don't wear make up often enough or make an effort for him, I'm not feminine enough.

I've gave up everything to support him through ten years of studying for his chosen profession, I've forgiven an affair (which destroyed me) and given him three beautiful sons. I'm tired, his business is failing and he took a huge pay cut years ago, the stress is intolerable. I can't sleep and no I don't feel like having fucking sex. I feel like I can't carry on, but there's no way out. I feel worthless.

OP posts:

llangennith · 19/02/2017 08:49

Time to go. You've given it your best shot and now it's time to move on.

picklemepopcorn · 19/02/2017 08:49

Instead of passively receiving his abusive expectations, try going on the offensive. Line up your ducks, the moment he starts in on you, point out he's a feckless waster who has squandered your money and can't provide for his family, and what on earth possesses him to think he's attractive enough to have sex with.
What makes me sick is that you can't actually afford to say any of that because it would be so dangerous. Sorry.

Thattimeofyearagain · 19/02/2017 08:52

Were here op. Anxiety is normal, just take deep breaths and try to not interact with him if possible.

youarenotkiddingme · 19/02/2017 08:57

My XP said the same thing to me ONCE.

He'd also cheated previously.

He's been an ex since that day.

Sugarpiehoneyeye · 19/02/2017 09:06

Hi Cotton, just rest assured, in your mind you have a sweet little secret, every time he opens his mouth. Every day now, is a day closer.🌸

Naicehamshop · 19/02/2017 09:08

Thinking of you, cotton - you can do this. You are the stronger and better person here.

nachogazpacho · 19/02/2017 09:16

It's pointless trying to argue with him. His view is you are subservient to him and that is unchangeable. But it is also his weakness. Stand your ground, avoid contact with him as much as possible, work on getting a financial picture and extricating yourself from the debt - visit CAB (citizens advice bureau) and a solicitor - and get it all in place then leave. He won't unless he has another woman to go to.

Strygil · 19/02/2017 09:21

"We do know some of the back story, the OP has told us. Posters are angry on behalf of the OP that she has stood by her husband while he did training, when he had an affair and when he made poor choices! Yet he is ridiculing her in her own home! Without knowing the back story'! ha bloody ha."

All according to the OP, who is telling it from her pov, a pov which has been accepted without question, and whose husband has been branded a cunt as a result of this acceptance. I'd like to hear his side of it, but there is no chance of that.

scorpio1981 · 19/02/2017 09:23

Ordinarily I'd say stay put and deal with it however, your man sounds like a complete moron in every respect. Don't think that getting a divorce though is going to help matters. In the long run it might make things far, far worse. Legal aid is only for extreme cases of child/spousal abuse. Any split of finances, property and other assets will cost you both very dear, and that doesn't include horrendous legal bills. As you already have massive debts, this will be almost impossible to afford. Get a job; any job, rope in the in-laws/parents to help, stand up and fight back for yourself and your children and tell your selfish, inept, pin-prick of a husband that if he wants it, he can get down on his knees and beg for it. Work will be your salvation and pay your bills and then who knows? You might someone you really want to strip naked, dip in chocolate and lick clean very, very slowly....! And please don't crawl away and die. Grow a pair and fight because you're worth it.

dowhatnow · 19/02/2017 09:26

Your sons won't be surprised.

Strygil · 19/02/2017 09:27

Dagnabit, If you have a point to make that you can make without resorting to abuse, then by all means make it. I am not going to respond courteously to some one whose first address to me as a four letter insult. Who DO you think you are?

"I don't post that much but Strygil, you're a goady fucker on almost every thread I've read lately"

Original poster

Cottonheadedninnnymuggins · 19/02/2017 09:29

He's taken the dogs out so I can breathe and compose myself. Everything was very polite this morning. So now I have to dig deep and start planning. I do have moments of incredible strength where I know what I have to go and then anxiety kicks in and I'm back to square one. I know the situation is wrong and I know that I am completely downtrodden. I owe to myself and to the person I once was to get out. I hide as much as I can from the boys, but they are 17,16 and 11 so not babies anymore, they know exactly what is going on and bless them they are so supportive. I can't tell you how much you have all helped me, just knowing that other people 'get' my situation makes me feel like less of a tit. I am going to draw on every ounce of strength I have left, put on a happy face and then plan for my future without him. He has no idea about our financial position other than it is crap, he has never paid a bill or dealt with a debt collection agency, I do everything...except make myself look pretty (cunt). In terms of our personal debt it is not that bad, I've been meticulous about paying bills. It's the mortgage and negative equity that's the issue. I am Boudica, I AM strong and the vag is staying well and truly closed!

OP posts:

SilentlyScreamingAgain · 19/02/2017 09:31

But this is a message board, not a novel or a made for tv drama. What happens is that one person asks for advice and, unless you have good reason not to, you assume they are telling the truth because what would be the point otherwise?

However, please be assured that no one is going to go round and poke him with a stick based on what the OP has said.

Original poster

Cottonheadedninnnymuggins · 19/02/2017 09:38

Strygil, I do completely understand your point of view, there are two sides to every story and my husband isn't here to defend himself. I posted here because I felt desperate last night, I don't really talk about what's going on to people in RL, I find it humiliating and embarrassing.

OP posts:

Backt0Black · 19/02/2017 09:44

OP - I just wanted to say, despite your awful situation, I think your posts are quite witty and sharp.... your not crushed yet. GET OUT quickly

You don't have to be put up with all this nastiness and stress while playing accountant and forgiving the affairs of this ungrateful wanker.

If DH wants something heavily made up that will 'lie back and think of England' he has options. You enjoy your life.

Backt0Black · 19/02/2017 09:45

*you're

Original poster

Cottonheadedninnnymuggins · 19/02/2017 09:50

Backt0Black, thank you, that did make me laugh. I shit you not it is the spitting image of my MIL!

OP posts:

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 19/02/2017 09:53

There is almost never the chance to hear the other side of the story, so we have to work on what the OP says. What the OP says is quite bad enough, under the circs, to be able to work out that, at best, her H is a selfish git who only thinks of his own needs and not anyone else's. Him saying "even if you don't want it or feel like it, you should still just give me sex" is blatant enough to show that.

Strygil, if you want a full story from both sides, then this really isn't the forum for you. I have to agree with the PP's sentiment - this seems to be your MO on every thread I've seen you on, and it's utterly pointless because no one is going to get the "other side". ALL threads are subjective from the OP's POV, this is how this forum works - either take what she says as being the case, or don't bother to read or comment, since you're not remotely helpful in most cases.

OP - good to know you've taken strength from this, don't blame you at all for not wanting sex with the selfish prick, he sounds awful. Get everything together then boot him out - life could only get better without him stressing you out and putting you down.

BUT FGS DO NOT show him this thread. NEVER show the thread. It will almost never have a good outcome, plus you'll lose a valuable support resource, as he'll check up on you/here afterwards.

Carollocking · 19/02/2017 10:06

Be brave and strong and make your plans and implement sooner rather than later.were here for you and you know in your mind you should have done this years ago.

CesareBorgiasUnicornMask · 19/02/2017 10:14

Well done OP- you sound much stronger today! I just wanted to chip in and agree with Seconds about waiting until your bous' exams are over - my mother made herself seriously ill waiting until I'd finished my A levels to kick my father out. The attempt to preserve normality left her with quite severe PTSD and 9 years on she's actually never been the same again. And though I know she thought it was best the atmosphere was utterly toxic and it would probably have been better if they'd just split. Obviously you know your boys best but teenagers are very resilient, and the relief of not living with (even silently) warring parents is huge!

Cary2012 · 19/02/2017 10:16

Have only read some of the thread but another one adding support, harness the strength OP and end this asap. I ended a twenty year marriage when my twins were in the middle of their GCSEs because I couldn't handle living with the cheating bastard a day longer. Timing wasn't great, but they were fine. The atmosphere lifted as soon as he left.

If kids are GCSE age their old enough to pick up everything that is wrong at home, so please don't stay or let him stay because of exams. There better in a stable home with you, than living in an unhappy home with two unhappy parents. Good luck

Backt0Black · 19/02/2017 10:20

@Cottonheadedninnnymuggins ...oh 'eck! maybe add possible 'oedipus complex' to the long list of reasons to flee!

.... and anyway when you stop having to worry about his bills, if you fancied it you'd be more able to toddle off to the Bobbi Brown counter for a well deserved treat, freshfaced for your new happy life. MIL pic seems to still be in constance carrol

Sugarpiehoneyeye · 19/02/2017 11:25

YAY, for kick arse COTTON ! ⭐️

Dagnabit · 19/02/2017 15:02

Just saying it as I see it, Strygil...doesn't really matter who am I. Does 'goady poster' make it better?

Shnorbitz · 19/02/2017 16:21

My wankbadger ex sounds like your h. I was very downtrodden, low self esteem, anxious all the time because of what I see now were his narcissistic sociopathic ways.

I never have him enough sex which gave him the 'right' to go and sleep with prostitutes, and I'd just have to deal with it!! I never told anyone because I was ashamed of what type of relationship I was. I never took enough care of myself, wore those tacky sexy undies according to him.

He worked nights and his 'classic' was asking me to bring him a cup of tea in bed at half 9 before he went to work and give him a blow job. Nice! Inevitably I'll have forgotten what the time was and he'd come downstairs as grumpy as fuck - but at least he was going to work!

It took me 20 fucking years to wake up one day and think 'right that's it, I've had enough'.

Yes it was bloody scary and at times I did doubt myself by what I was doing. My DS's were 16 and 14 at the time and DS1 was just about to do his exams - what the hell was I thinking.....

There was very little equity in the house and the little I got paid off some debts. Had to wait 6 months for the sale to go through and in those 6 months we did not speak once unless he was telling me to go kill myself.

I found a house to rent close to DS's school, hoiked up my pants and did it.

4 years now and it was the best bloody thing I did!!!

You can do this

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