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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

For getting frustrated with my (almost) adult son?

346 replies

PissyBogRoll · 17/02/2017 14:42

Son turns 18 next week.

Up until last year he worked in a newsagent (who he'd previously delivered papers for) but the guy laid him off. Since then he got got a Christmas job at Next but otherwise has really not tried to find employment since. On top of this he is CONSTANTLY nagging me for money, still expects pocket money yet has not made a full week at college since Christmas, refuses to tidy up his room (which is a pit if takeaway wrappers, crisp packets, cans, bottles, mucky clothes, mouldy pots, yogurt cartons etc etc) and is basically not doing much of anything except asking for constant handouts.

He's just messaged me from college saying he will get no university grants because of my income, therefore it's my fault he will be poor so I WILL have to support him.

What he fails to realise is 'my income' is mostly my husbands income who is not his dad, who has two adult kids of his own and who might not be thrilled about having to support a self entitled adult with an attitude through university!!

I know we're expected to support our kids through uni but his constant demands are making me reluctant not to mention his attitude, shitty comments (such as references to me originally being a teenage mother) etc etc.

He's also hoping to move out in July yet has no job and seems to think I am responsible for supporting him in this decision too.

AIBU here or what??? I feel like we're falling out in a bad way and our relationship is starting to crack. He feels hard done to. I think he's being entitled.

His father is on the scene by the way but he won't ask him for anything, just slags me off to him instead.

OP posts:
rogueantimatter · 17/02/2017 19:24

What does he want to study OP?

Letseatgrandma · 17/02/2017 19:31

The amount you can borrow is also dependent on parental income

Surely he can still get some sort of a loan though?

TinklyLittleLaugh · 17/02/2017 19:34

Yes but it depends on how much your parents earn. For example, my two get £3.5k. Halls tend to start at £4.5k, many are £7k or more. Then you need food, books, money to have abit of a social life, maybe transport costs.

If your parents are on a low income, you get about £9k.

Brokenbiscuit · 17/02/2017 19:38

Surely he can still get some sort of a loan though?

He can still get a loan but the amount he can borrow will be limited because the government expects parents on higher incomes to top it up to the required amount.

Even when students get the full loan amount or the minimum loan and full parental contribution, it's rarely enough to cover their costs, so most have to work as well. It is easy to say that he can fund his way through university by working, but not actually very easy to do in practice.

Letseatgrandma · 17/02/2017 19:40

Thank you for explaining-what is counted as a 'higher income'?

greenworm · 17/02/2017 19:41

OP sounds a bit like my son's girlfriend's DPs. Stingy, materialistic, unkind. She's a darling and they don't deserve her - she lives with us now.

This sounds like projection. OP has said she gives her DS money every few days, so not stingy. Materialistic - don't know where this comes from. And whatever else you might say about her DS, he hardly sounds like a darling.

Iflyaway · 17/02/2017 19:41

I need £20 for this, I need £30 for that, did you buy Henry a McDonald's last week??? If so you now owe me £5 ...

God, he sounds awful.... I have an early-20 year old too, single mum.

You should give him an outlay of how much his upbringing cost. And ask him for some money back.

Whatever, you have to put a stop to his self-entitled demands.

Prawnofthepatriarchy · 17/02/2017 19:44

For all those saying university students can work their way through it very much depends where you go to university. In some areas there aren't anywhere near enough jobs for the locals and student jobs just aren't there.

My DS's girlfriend works all the hours she can get when she's home but there are no jobs in her university town, though on the plus side rents are very low. How she's going to cope when she has to spend next summer doing unpaid research I don't know.

rogueantimatter · 17/02/2017 19:45

I think it's hard to know what OP's DS is like. All we know is that he's a bit cheeky and bunks off school sometimes. He might be lovely in most other respects.

However we don't know much about the family dynamic except that he lives with his mum and stepfather and his own father apparently lets him away with stuff.

Does this mean he shouldn't go to university? Shock

Fuxfurforall · 17/02/2017 20:02

Hi. I have 2 sons in their first year at Uni. My understanding is that most UK students meet the criteria for tuition fee loans. Maintenance loans (which help with living expenses etc) are separate and they are means tested according to the family income.
All the info is available on the student loan section of Gov.UK but here is a calculation link to see if your son is eligible for a maintenance loan whilst studying. Hope this helps a bit.

www.gov.uk/student-finance-calculator

Pigflewpast · 17/02/2017 20:10

So you've looked and you'd need to find 2k a year. That's all? And you won't do it. You went part time because you couldn't keep up with the big house. That was important to you. So if you went back full time you would make the extra 2k plus, but your son isn't that important?!
Yes he should also work whilst at Uni, unless he's on too intense a course, but really, all this over 2k a year. I know to some people that's prohibitive, but that's why those peoples kids get bigger loans.

Brokenbiscuit · 17/02/2017 20:19

It's on a sliding scale grandma. I think you only get the full maintenance loan if your household income is less than £25k. The expected parental contribution is relatively small for those just over the threshold, but goes up in line with household income.

Letseatgrandma · 17/02/2017 20:22

Thank you for the explanation. Do the loan people take into account if you have more than one child at university at once??

cardibach · 17/02/2017 20:24

It simply isn't true that some people can't afford to go to University. If your parents have a low income, you get a combination of grant and loan. If you don't, they can afford to help out. I'm doing that for DD now - I'm broke, but it's only a few years then I'll get my disposable income back.
maddie your comment When I was 18 my parents worked full time and had second jobs in the evening to oay their bills (thanks Maggie Thatcher). University was quite simply out of the question. is particularly odd. If you were University age when Thatcher was in charge, you had a situation where you paid no fees and were able to access a grant.

troodiedoo · 17/02/2017 20:28

Lots of my DS's friends are working to help pay their way through uni as they know how expensive it is.

Does he really want to study at uni or just doss about for a few more years. If he's not done a full week at college yet then I'd be reluctant to shell out for his further education.

TinklyLittleLaugh · 17/02/2017 20:34

DS's best mate has parents on a very low income. When he went to Uni he got the full grant and loan, plus a bursary from his uni because his parents were on a low income, plus a bursary for having really good A levels at a Uni where most people's are not that great (he really should have gone somewhere better, but that's another story). Anyway, basically he was absolutely loaded at Uni and didn't even consider getting a job.

Fuxfurforall · 17/02/2017 20:41

Grandma the student repays everything they borrow when they start earning above £20k a year after graduating, even the means-tested maintenance loans. So, no it is not taken into consideration if you have more than one child at Uni at the same time. They are treated individually.

paxillin · 17/02/2017 20:43

On top of this he is CONSTANTLY nagging me for money, still expects pocket money yet has not made a full week at college since Christmas

Any pocket money at all and phone bills paid and clothes shopping should be tied to attending full time. Otherwise he needs to get a job. Pocket money, bills paid and necessities bought at that age are the support he is after and he should of course get if in FT education. If not, job.

rollonthesummer · 17/02/2017 20:48

Grandma the student repays everything they borrow when they start earning above £20k a year after graduating, even the means-tested maintenance loans. So, no it is not taken into consideration if you have more than one child at Uni at the same time. They are treated individually.

But when they are deciding how much each child can borrow and what you as parent should give, how do they do it? At the point of getting a loan-if they say, 'ok, you earn £35k and have one child going to university, we will give him £2000 a year and you can afford to top up the remaining £6000.'

Would they think, 'ok, you earn £35k and have two children at uni, you can afford to pay £3000 to each and we will top up £2000'

Or would they say 'you can pay £6000 for each child-we don't care that you can't afford that?!'

InSpaceNooneCanHearYouScream · 17/02/2017 20:50

What's all this bollocks about 'if you can afford a holiday, you can afford to give him 2k a year'.
Only if she deprives herself, husband and three other children of a holiday! So she's supposed to go back to work full time, have no holidays and god knows what else to support her adult son??

wishingona · 17/02/2017 21:03

Such a load of shit.

My parents didn't give me an allowance or anything. I didn't expect them to, to be honest it didn't even cross my mind! My family has no money worries.

They (the son) need to take responsibility.

In reality very few students have money issues at uni.

wishingona · 17/02/2017 21:03

... And if they truly did they would get help.

Brokenbiscuit · 17/02/2017 21:05

Wishing, that isn't true. A lot of students experience financial problems at university. Many are forced to leave because of these problems. Help is available in the form of hardship funds, but it often isn't enough.

TinklyLittleLaugh · 17/02/2017 21:08

No they don't take into account if you have two at Uni.

Quite shocked that people would put a holiday before helping their kids get an education though. Two at least of the OP's kids are grown up (and were supported until 20), so they are hardly missing out.

This thread is a real eye opener to me.

TinklyLittleLaugh · 17/02/2017 21:14

Interestingly I have a friend who was absolutely miserable when we were at Uni. Her parents were supposed to top up her grant and didn't. We were on a very full on course and there weren't many jobs around. She was always utterly, soul destroyingly skint and missed out on so much.

Fast forward thirty years and she is playing the exact game with her own kids, refusing to top them up, saying it never did her any harm. I really don't understand it at all.