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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

For getting frustrated with my (almost) adult son?

346 replies

PissyBogRoll · 17/02/2017 14:42

Son turns 18 next week.

Up until last year he worked in a newsagent (who he'd previously delivered papers for) but the guy laid him off. Since then he got got a Christmas job at Next but otherwise has really not tried to find employment since. On top of this he is CONSTANTLY nagging me for money, still expects pocket money yet has not made a full week at college since Christmas, refuses to tidy up his room (which is a pit if takeaway wrappers, crisp packets, cans, bottles, mucky clothes, mouldy pots, yogurt cartons etc etc) and is basically not doing much of anything except asking for constant handouts.

He's just messaged me from college saying he will get no university grants because of my income, therefore it's my fault he will be poor so I WILL have to support him.

What he fails to realise is 'my income' is mostly my husbands income who is not his dad, who has two adult kids of his own and who might not be thrilled about having to support a self entitled adult with an attitude through university!!

I know we're expected to support our kids through uni but his constant demands are making me reluctant not to mention his attitude, shitty comments (such as references to me originally being a teenage mother) etc etc.

He's also hoping to move out in July yet has no job and seems to think I am responsible for supporting him in this decision too.

AIBU here or what??? I feel like we're falling out in a bad way and our relationship is starting to crack. He feels hard done to. I think he's being entitled.

His father is on the scene by the way but he won't ask him for anything, just slags me off to him instead.

OP posts:
Taylor22 · 17/02/2017 18:03

Tell him point blank now that if he moves out he is funding that100%

wishingona · 17/02/2017 18:10

I agree it's a problem with the student loan system, you certainly don't have to support him- he should have a job, he'd be able to save a fair whack between now September/October.

expatinscotland · 17/02/2017 18:10

She sounds unpleasant? Her nearly adult son slags her off, calls her names, wants to cocklodge at his GF's expense, wants the world handed to him on a plate, doesn't bother to get out of bed, etc and she is the unpleasant one?

Pigflewpast · 17/02/2017 18:15

Jesus Christ is this how people really feel about their kids? He's 18 he's on his own? Why should I give up my holidays etc to pay for my son to have a decent education and chance of decent career? I can't believe all the people who are on here going mental about their little darlings are really going to kick them out at 18 rather than do everything they can to help them, annoying and infuriating as they might be, because they love them more than anything. Just because he's an adult doesn't mean he's not that little boy you've loved to bits anymore.
My daughter's just gone to Uni, we have to cut back to help her but I couldn't be more proud of her for getting there.

witsender · 17/02/2017 18:19

Yes. She states that she and her husband have worked hard for what they have (despite only being with him.for 5 years) and doesn't see why she should help her own son. Despite the fact that this marriage has enabled her to drop to part time, and means that he will no longer have access to any funding for uni. He has a long term girlfriend, and a job until recently. He sounds like a typical lazy 17 year old backchatting his mother, who needs to keep booting him out to college. From.the examples given the OP spends on some things (dogs, weekends away etc) then tells him she can't afford to help with driving licences etc. So it sounds very typical teen to retort to that, especially when the mother has moved on and remarried etc.

expatinscotland · 17/02/2017 18:24

All this ire towards here, where the hell is his father in all this? Is he remarried - how dare he?! He should be working day and night to support his son. Typical teen? He sounds like a spoilt brat, hopefully this whole issue will be moot because he won't get a uni place because honestly, he doesn't sound mature enough to be there.

Brokenbiscuit · 17/02/2017 18:33

Jesus Christ is this how people really feel about their kids?*

Obviously. I was always surprised at the number of people on MN who go NC with their parents, but I think I'm beginning to see why.

rogueantimatter · 17/02/2017 18:37

Here's my tuppence worth:

Give him a monthly allowance and no more. as a pp said - make it conditional on good college attendance. Tell him you agree with him that as he is almost 18 he should have some more independence so you're going to let him manage a budget. He can't possibly argue with that and it will be good for him and for you.

Refuse to argue/accept bad language/arguing back - try not to let his attitude get to you. You're almost over the worse of the teenage stage with him now.

However much you're spending on him now is what you can afford to give him when he's a student so he can either live at home or live very frugally somewhere else with his student loan and your monthly allowance.

Support him in looking into loans etc. Sure he's an adult, but only just and a very inexperienced one at that. You on the other hand are a parent.

Be proud of him for wanting to go to uni.

Don't assume that he will go and live with his gf - at this stage, plans still change a lot.

omnishamblesssssssssssssss · 17/02/2017 18:49

He sounds incredibly entitled. A recipe for unhappiness and bitterness. How has it got this bad? How has he ended up sleeping in till 11 on college days and effectively nagging you for extra cash?

He should be more self motivated. Getting himself up in the morning and going to college. Earning a bit of cash at the weekends and understanding the true value of money.

Your responsibility as a parent is to ease him into the adult world with adult responsibilities.

I would only give him the £10 a week if he gets to college on time daily. He should also be doing a chore a day - so hoovering or what ever.

You need to stand firm like your ex

UnexpectedItemInShaggingArea · 17/02/2017 19:02

I can't believe some of the replies on here.

OP and her DH are on average incomes.

There are 4 children to consider.

OP's son has a shitty attitude but expects his mum to fund his indolent lifestyle.

He hasn't even bothered to find out how much maintenance loan he is entitled to.

He hasn't asked his own Dad to contribute.

He has a lot of options including:

taking a gap year, working and saving.

Working part time

Studying part time

But no, some people think that that his whole family should put all of their discretionary spending into his pocket instead.

OP YANBU Smile

orzal · 17/02/2017 19:02

We had a relative who got a full time job in order to support her children at university and then went back to part-time when they had finished. I think there is a lot more going on here. The son sounds unhappy at home.

Reow · 17/02/2017 19:03

I had 2 part time jobs at high school and all through sixth form. And worked at least 20 hours a week through uni.

He's being a lazy dick.

You should absolutely not pay his way. He's an adult, and he's taking the piss out of you.

Pinbasket · 17/02/2017 19:04

I wouldn't be giving him any allowance or any other money whatsoever if he wasn't getting up and going to college every day!
But maybe he needs to feel as though there is a point to going to college and passing his A levels etc, and needs to know that going to Uni is a real possibility for him, and that you will help in every way you can. Sit down and look at the costs involved, how you can help financially and how his father can do the same. If he has a part time job and works in the holidays, it's very possible

omnishamblesssssssssssssss · 17/02/2017 19:04

What's his blood dad going to give him for uni?

Of course you will need to give him some cash too.

Giving him everything he fancies, isn't going to help him long term. He needs to develop a work ethic.

Agree only to help with uni if his attitude and work ethic improve.

omnishamblesssssssssssssss · 17/02/2017 19:06

He needs to work the holidays in order to build up his own savings for uni

wishingona · 17/02/2017 19:07

He sounds like he'd be a nightmare uni student tbh.

omnishamblesssssssssssssss · 17/02/2017 19:07

Could the son be jealous of his step brothers? Do you do nice things together? Walks.

Prawnofthepatriarchy · 17/02/2017 19:11

I'd recommend your DS moves out, goes NC and applies for his university loan on the basis of parental estrangement. That's what my DS's lovely girlfriend had to do. OP sounds a bit like my son's girlfriend's DPs. Stingy, materialistic, unkind. She's a darling and they don't deserve her - she lives with us now. They don't think education is important and insisted that she start work at 18. If your ambition is to become a scientist that's not advice worth taking.

OP you don't come across as a very caring parent. Your marriage clearly benefited you but not your DS. Just how much damage are you willing to do to your relationship with your DS?

rollonthesummer · 17/02/2017 19:12

He is behaving like a brat-I would tell him that and stop all random handouts.

What does he mean you earn too much for him to get a grant? I thought grants went years ago? Can't he get loans like everyone else does?

BarbarianMum · 17/02/2017 19:13

The amount you can borrow is also dependent on parental income rollon

expatinscotland · 17/02/2017 19:16

Yes, she sounds horrid and he sounds like such a peach! Working during uni, what a terrible fate - nevermind that again, as more and more people earn degrees, having work experience upon graduation is very important.

Catherinebee85 · 17/02/2017 19:18

Sounds like he's spoilt and that you've made a rod for your own back!

He needs a serious reality check and to stop being so blood rude and intrusive!

At 18 he should be starting to pay some board....even if it's a token amount. Let him know that by such a date you'll be expecting money from him. There are jobs out there if you're willing to work.

Don't let his entitled attitude impact on your life or your relationship. At the moment you're letting him take over your life.

rogueantimatter · 17/02/2017 19:18

He does have work experience.

BarbarianMum · 17/02/2017 19:20

Doing a few hours a week to help ends meet is fine. Trying to fully support yourself whilst studying sucks, esp if you are doing a degree that requires a lot of hours in lectures/The lab. My niece found out one of her flatmates was regularly skipping meals last year. They were worried she was anorexic but she couldn't afford to eat every day!

expatinscotland · 17/02/2017 19:20

'He does have work experience.'

Yes, a couple of jobs 4+ years in the past is really going to further your CV along. Poor souls, having work and go to uni!