To hate school for backing me into a corner

[Becks84]

My six year old ds has Sen and is currently in year one at school. Since he started back last septemeber it's been hell. His year one teacher was horrible and made no attempt to try and understand his needs and she was very abrupt telling me his diagnosis doesn't excuse how he behaves. Come October we were called in to see the head who told us they wanted our ds to go back into reception temporarily. We reluctantly agreed just to see if things would improve but they didn't and he had multiple exclusions. He went back after Christmas and again we were called in to see the head who told us they wanted him to go on a reduced timetable. We told her that we didn't agree with it and she told us straight that if we didn't agreed we'd have to find our ds another school!

So he's been on this reduced timetable for five weeks now and things still aren't improving at school and have actually got worse at home. I do not want him at the school anymore and have been to view a couple others but as the local authority have agreed to assess for an EHCP moving him isn't an option right now. But I'll be blunt. This reduced timetable is fucking killing me! Not only is it affecting my ds as he doesn't understand why he's being sent home every lunchtime it's also killing me.

My dh works full time on shifts and I'm at home currently as I had to quit my job. Without wanting to come across as a selfish cow, I need that time when my ds is at school to recharge my batteries. We are currently trying to decorate the house after having plastering done due to ds destroying the house but we can't get anything done as by the time I've dropped him at school, done a bit of food shopping and errands it's like 11.30 and I need to go back for him at 12.00. Plus I signed up to a couple of courses (parenting, neurodevlopmental, sensory problems etc) and I'm now having to mither family memebers to have my ds as my dh is working so can't. I rarely rely on family to help, because my side of the family don't really do babysitting and although my husband's family will help out we only usually ask them twice a year for mine and dh's birthdays so that we can go out for a few hours. I've always paid for nursery and out of school care myself when I was working and the whole point of being at home is that I don't have to rely on people to help, as I hate asking.

I'm absolutely exhausted and whilst I know really it's all about my son and how he's coping but if I'm not coping and feeling tired all the time I can't really help him can I. I feel as though I'm back at the nursery stage having him there a couple of hours and having to rush round to get things done before I have to go back for him. But I've been there done that and didn't wish to go back to it.

School know I don't work so are absolutely taking the piss just assuming I won't mind picking my son up at lunchtimes, but i do. Not because I'm this mean mum who would rather lunch with friends than look after my own child, but because one, he is entitled to a full time education, and two, why do they have the right to back me into a corner and not give me a say in what happens to my son. Aibu here?

Hey - don't feel bad about being honest. It's hard work.

School have done an illegal exclusion. I'd contact the EWO (education welfare) or education exclusion service for advice. I understated your ds doesn't cope with mS school FT but the school and la are responsible for sorting out somewhere he can manage. In the meantime they should be providing something else - even if it's afternoons at a resource centre for excluded children.

I've no advice but wanted to offer my support OP 💐

We're currently in the process of getting DS assessed for ASD, ADHD and sensory processing disorder. I expect, given that he is only 3 and attends a school nursery class in term-time, we are at the start of a very long road.

I feel shocked that your DS's school isn't taking any of your suggestions on board, and that DD is reporting back that he is 'always being told off'. Surely that is making him worse? The lack of communication book, understanding of triggers and that they are not looking to employ a second TA despite the extra funding does show, to me at least, that they are not doing enough. No wonder you want to pull him out.

The LA initially refused to assess for the statement (EHCP) but they awarded the school top up funding so that my son can access 25 hours support. But he's only in school 15 hours a week and a school are obliged to provide the first 15 hours support anyway the school isn't using the LA's funding for my ds.

MaisyPops so why didn't the school supply the LA with all the information about Becks84's child for the EHCP request then? Why are they accepting funding for an extra 10 hours but not actually using it for the child?

It would be interesting if you could volunteer to go into school to listen to reading or something - and observe what is happening in the classroom with your DS from a safe distance - perhaps you need to see what the challenges are from both sides. Then you could go to Paediatrician armed with your own info. Have you told the Paediatrician about the damage to your home, the violence to other children? This is serious - they need to listen to you!

I feel for you, but if you struggle one on one with him then I imagine the school struggle even more if he doesn't have 121 support?

I don't have an answer for you, maybe repost in the special needs board, some others might be able to offer better advice

Op, have uou communicated with the school what the triggers are at home, and for example when you go to collect your daughter, as it seems the behaviour is not limited to school. Could they be similar triggers?

If you absolutely have to have him at home I would say that you can only have him at home 2 complete days. Tuesday and Thursday. You've got commitments.

I think the reason for this is that the LA don't think the school have done quite enough to support my ds. They offered the funding first I suppose to see if it made any difference but I contacted an independent agency to arrange mediation in the hope that they'd change their minds and agree to assess. Two days before I was due to go to mediation I got a call telling me that they'd agreed to assess my son.

Yes I told the paediatrician everything he was hopeless. The paediatrician who have my ds his diagnosis was amazing and I tried to get an appointment with him but he has none available until April.

Was it your school who initially told you your DS wouldn't get an EHCP and not to bother applying?

Who was this woman from the Education dept? If she has made the decision that your son cannot attend school full time, then she is the one who needs to arrange other provision to make up the hours.

Having said that, the school's decision to put your year one child into reception as a strategy to cope with his behaviour, along with the 'diagnosis not an excuse for behaviour' comment very strongly suggest to me that he should be in another school. The question is, how do you get him there?

If you think another mainstream school place is suitable- and it could well be, this school is not demonstrating good inclusive practice which many mainstream schools excel at- then you can apply now for an in year transfer. You do not need the school's permission to do this.

If you think he needs more specialist provision, pursue an assessment place at a special school, or request that the school do a managed move to the PRU, as your son is at risk of permanent exclusion. IME, primary PRUs are usually very nurturing and work hard to get children back into mainstream.

If you PM me your LA, I am happy to look at alternative education options for children without an EHCP.

OP. I think you need to ask yourself honestly what is best for your DS.

When I was deciding whether to take my son out. A friend said to me "it's not about what he or you want, its about what he needs". That sentence has resonated with me so much . The new school was exactly what DS needed. He wasn't passed off as the naughty kid. He was helped and supported. He's only ever had one bad episode there, and that was because the class bully chose the wrong day to pick on him and DS lost his shit with him. The boy was dealt with and it was all sorted and they managed to get DS calmed down within 30minutes after a spell in time out to calm him down.

I got a letter not long afterwards saying because of x we've decided to do some work with DS to help manage his emotions better. < THAT is the sort of support you need OP.

If you feel a mainstream school can not give you that then maybe it is worth considering a specialist school. Disregarding the clearly useless school for a minute OP. You need to question whether it's too much for your son to have to do too. If you think he can still cope in a mainstream school. Especially if it means him staying at his current one as it's clear this school is not going to come on board with you.

I really do sympathise with you OP. I've been through this and it's bloody hell.

Only read to page 2 due to the ill informed comments such as - 'send him to a special school' as if that is even an option until his is assessed which frequently takes longer than the maximum time you legally have to wait. Instead of people having a go at the op for having the audacity to want her disabled child to have the full time education he is legally entitled to why not get angry at the fact that children with high needs are now having to go to mainstream schools due to 'inclusion' and a lack of special school places. Inclusion is an absolute joke as staff in mainstream frequently don't have the skills, time or support to meet the needs of children with sn so they stay in mainstream, unhappy and unsupported, while their self esteem reaches rock bottom due to being unable to meet the standards expected in terms of work and behaviour without the support they need. Meanwhile schools drag their heels to implement inadequate dribs and drabs of support (due to a lack of money to pay for it) and then the child is eventually shipped off somewhere else which would be unsettling for any child but particularly one who is already vulnerable. That's what I get angry about.
Anyway. In your situation op I would tell the school that you don't agree to a part time place and that you want the school to look into top up funding if they don't have the money in their budget for your child to be adequately supported. A part time timetable is just a way of avoiding the school from having to a - pay for support and b - have an official exclusion on their record. I would tell the school that if they are unwilling to take my child full time then they need to exclude them officially - they then have legal requirements re making sure your child receives an education while they are excluded and I would challenge the exclusion on the basis that they are not meeting your childs needs. Contact ipsea, parent partnership etc. I'm sorry I didn't read long enough to see if your ds has a diagnosis of any kind but if he has asd or it is suspected the National Autistic Society also have an education helpline which I have found useful.
I would also make sure that all correspondence about your son is in writing and important details from face to face meetings are confirmed by email. That saves any issues around who has agreed to or said what further down the line. You might not think this is necessary but I have learned that face to face conversations about support can conveniently be 'forgotten' when you question why your child isn't receiving the support agreed.
Good luck op. It is a shame that it can be such a battle in a western, first world country for disabled children to receive the education they deserve and it is draining having to fight for it

How distressing for your poor dd witnessing him getting told off and your ds being so upset, that school environment is totally and utterly unsuitable for your poor ds.

I really hope you can use all the excellent advice on here to speed up the process of getting him the happy and safe learning environment he deserves where the strategies you have learnt to help him can be put in place x

It's not though that this woman decided the child couldn't attend full time, it's because he needs 1:1 and there is only one teaching assistant available to do that and she has another Sen child as well, so she spends 50 percent of her time with each of them, hence why he can only go to school 50 percent in a reduced time table. The issue is the school doesn't have two teaching assistants available to do it full time, they are under resourced?

And the idea of putting a year 1 child who is becoming so distressed they are lashing out into a class with younger children is a baffling one to say the least.

Just read the post where you have said that the top up funding allocted for your ds isn't being used for him. That isn't on at all. I queried this last year pre-empting that my sons school would take the top up funding and decide that my ds no longer needed the support and was told that the funding was only to be used for my son and the specific reason it had been allocated (a teaching assistant for 1-1 support). And that the funding couldn't be reappropriated once it was given.

This sounds like a horrible situation with irreconcilable needs on both sides - the OP's son needs his education, but so do the other children in the class. The school is trying to compromise by putting in place appropriate support but this isn't working. And regardless of the rights or wrongs of it, SN don't mean a school can't apply a behaviour policy, once reasonable adjustments have been made. They have to protect the children and the staff.

Reasonable adjustments haven't been made though if the school are using the 1-1 support they have been told he needs for other children.

I won't comment on the school aspect of this or formal support. I just wanted to suggest that if you need to care for your DS/DC could you ask other friends or family to help with some of the practical stuff. For example could someone do some shopping for you or just be around to deal with the painters one day? I know that won't take away the exhaustion and stress but it means just one thing off your mind.

If you don't have friends or family do you know whether there are any local charities that might help - perhaps the hospital/charity aimed at supporting people with your DS conditions might know of resources?

Bluntness the funding is provided for the ops ds, if they have another child with Sn who needs 1:1 they need to put their part of the funding in place for that child and apply for more.