To hate school for backing me into a corner

[Becks84]

My six year old ds has Sen and is currently in year one at school. Since he started back last septemeber it's been hell. His year one teacher was horrible and made no attempt to try and understand his needs and she was very abrupt telling me his diagnosis doesn't excuse how he behaves. Come October we were called in to see the head who told us they wanted our ds to go back into reception temporarily. We reluctantly agreed just to see if things would improve but they didn't and he had multiple exclusions. He went back after Christmas and again we were called in to see the head who told us they wanted him to go on a reduced timetable. We told her that we didn't agree with it and she told us straight that if we didn't agreed we'd have to find our ds another school!

So he's been on this reduced timetable for five weeks now and things still aren't improving at school and have actually got worse at home. I do not want him at the school anymore and have been to view a couple others but as the local authority have agreed to assess for an EHCP moving him isn't an option right now. But I'll be blunt. This reduced timetable is fucking killing me! Not only is it affecting my ds as he doesn't understand why he's being sent home every lunchtime it's also killing me.

My dh works full time on shifts and I'm at home currently as I had to quit my job. Without wanting to come across as a selfish cow, I need that time when my ds is at school to recharge my batteries. We are currently trying to decorate the house after having plastering done due to ds destroying the house but we can't get anything done as by the time I've dropped him at school, done a bit of food shopping and errands it's like 11.30 and I need to go back for him at 12.00. Plus I signed up to a couple of courses (parenting, neurodevlopmental, sensory problems etc) and I'm now having to mither family memebers to have my ds as my dh is working so can't. I rarely rely on family to help, because my side of the family don't really do babysitting and although my husband's family will help out we only usually ask them twice a year for mine and dh's birthdays so that we can go out for a few hours. I've always paid for nursery and out of school care myself when I was working and the whole point of being at home is that I don't have to rely on people to help, as I hate asking.

I'm absolutely exhausted and whilst I know really it's all about my son and how he's coping but if I'm not coping and feeling tired all the time I can't really help him can I. I feel as though I'm back at the nursery stage having him there a couple of hours and having to rush round to get things done before I have to go back for him. But I've been there done that and didn't wish to go back to it.

School know I don't work so are absolutely taking the piss just assuming I won't mind picking my son up at lunchtimes, but i do. Not because I'm this mean mum who would rather lunch with friends than look after my own child, but because one, he is entitled to a full time education, and two, why do they have the right to back me into a corner and not give me a say in what happens to my son. Aibu here?

bumsexatthebingo:

Fair enough. If the incidents are taking place during periods of time when the child is unsupported, the OP should be able to challenge a permanent exclusion.

Is that the case, OP?

Have pmd you

OP apologies if this has already been said I haven't read all of the thread ( it most of it) but someone told me that if you have issues with the school, put everything in writing and send every piece of correspondence copied to the governors and Ofsted. I have no idea how relevant or ludicrous this advice is but if they are worried about ofsted then this might give them a kick up the arse. They can't be an outstanding school if they re failing your son and apparently every piece of correspondence received by the governors is scrutinised by ofsted on inspection.

Today 16:15 Nel1883

MsJamie sorry but I tend to agree with the other posters you do seen to be uncaring and lacking in empathy. But then you want others to have sympathy for you about your past and history????
Sorry what goes around comes around

Where have I lacked empathy? My first comment was that yes I would not want my child in the classroom, however my in a bad way, due to the effect it was having on the other children, my second post was then my own experience in dealing with a child with SEN and the affect it has on other children, as it was not good for anyone involved.

My 3rd post was a reply due to personal judgemental post aimed at myself!

I don't want sympathy nor do I expect sympathy, the poster said I lacked consideration, so I pointed out she was pot, kettle and black!

We will have to agree to disagree on this one!

I think the school need to do all they can to understand his triggers and safeguard both him and the other children. Unfortunately teachers are stretched to breaking point, and if you get similar issues at home then it may be unrealistic to expect the school to resolve something that even the most knowledgeable person can't! There needs to be a plan to help though.

Unfortunate there's a boy in my dc class and he lashes out at other children several times per week. It's unacceptable to the other children to expect them to be on the receiving end of this, they are entitled to feel safe at school in the same way your son is entitled to an education.

Sorry I wasn't ignoring comments I just had to nip out to pick my dd up. Some good advice here and I'll certainly be taking it on board. I didn't want to come across as a selfish made who was all me me me as believe me in reality I come last in every conceivable way. My kids are my life but I'm only human and can only take so much. I know I don't work but like I said for me personally going to work and leaving my kids in the care of other people was so much easier than I have it now. I want to be around for my son whilst he's still young and especially now he's got all of this going on but it's hard. I do have a partner yes and he is home at the weekends but it's during the week it's hard as I'm having to juggle everything and deal with school. I rarely rant or ask for support so to the people who have offered it I appreciate it.

Becks when is your next meeting, what I found as a good strategy was going in notes and detailing exactly what I expected from then, as them what the care plan is for your child and and what coping behaviours are they implementing in dealing with his behaviours, is also be along for a school to home diary.

Whenever the incidents are taking place the op would rightly be able to argue that her son isn't having his needs met Trifle. They are fraudulently misappropriating funds that are ringfenced for her ds to avoid having the hassle/expense of getting the appropriate support for another child. The stress he will be under having to manage an environment he can't cope with for the hours he is unsupported could well affect is behaviour later in the day.

OP, I feel for you very much. I adopted 3 little boys with SN, and know how hard and exhausting it is (even harder now they are adult, but that's another story). I was eventually able to get 2 of the boys into the most wonderful special school you can imagine. Everything was different, and from the moment we walked through the door there was such a sense of peace and harmony. It took many years of fighting the education authority, doing my own homework, finding own professionals, making my own case. It was a long slogg but worth it. I would advise that you persue this if you possibly can. Mainstream schools may well do their best, have one to ones and so on, but at a special school EVERY member of staff is experienced in dealing with these matters, and every parent understands.

I am now a foster carer and a few years ago fostered a primary aged boy who exhibited many of the problems you have described. When learning about his past I was horrified that when he "kicked off" in school, every one of the 29 other children would have to be removed from the classroom by their teacher, while his support stayed with him. I say horrified, I mean I was horrified on behalf of the 29 other children whose education was being distrupted maybe 2 or 3 times a day. I don't know if this is happening in your son's classroom, but it is the norm in similiar situations in my area. So very sad. For everyone. Thankfully the boy we fostered improved hugely while he was with us, but sadly was permenantly excluded after going to senior school. There were, I believe, far less options available to him post exlusion, than there would have been before.

I wish you and your son good luck whatever you decide, but I will always fly the flag for a special school, almost no matter what you have to do to get him there!!

www.ipsea.org.uk/what-you-need-to-know/exclusion-from-school

Here is some information about exclusions for people who have been saying informal exclusion is legal. Any type of exclusion that is not an official fixed term or permanent exclusion is unlawful EVEN WITH THE AGREEMENT OF THE PARENT. This includes asking parents to collect children without officially excluding them and part time contracts. A lot of schools either don't know the law or wilfully ignore it. There have been calls for Ofsted to give an automatic 'inadequate' rating or for schools to be fined for breaking the law around exclusions and until something like that happens children (particularly those with disabilities) are going to continue to be denied their right to a full education. At the moment it is up to individual, often stressed, parents to hold schools to account and that isn't right.

If schools exhaust all avenues of support and they still have grounds for exclusion then they can, and would, permanently exclude a child quite legally. If they are excluding informally and illegally this shows that they haven't gained appropriate support for the child.

I don't have a child with special needs, but surely he would be better in a special needs school where staff are trained to work with special needs, and understand their needs

It sounds like a horrible situation for everyone involved, op.

Can you afford an au pair?

I think a lot of children with sn would be better off in specialist provision but if parents have the right to choose mainstream education for their children then specialist provision should be available in mainstream schools. Unfortunately funding is completely inadequate and it is pot luck as to whether staff are trained to deal with the special needs they will encounter. It's not as simple as 'put them in a special school'. Where I live they are full with massive waiting lists. And the op will need an echp for her son to stand a chance of getting a place. The deadline for the ehcp process is 20 weeks or up to 28 weeks if it is refused and goes to tribunal (where in the vast majority of cases it is found that they shouldn't have been refused). These legal deadlines are also frequently broken. The child will not get an ehcp if the school has the funding but isn't using it. So what does the op do then? Move her child to a different mainstream school so the whole dance can start again?
If you don't have a child with sn you have no idea how much of a nightmare something as simple as sending your child to school can be.

If you've been offered 25 hours of 1-2-1, could you focus on perusing that? I understand that they are sharing their 1-2-1 with another sn child but sharing isn't the answer when it cuts your 25 hours in half! If you have been awarded 25 hours 1-2-1 then that's what I would be persuing in the first instance. Someone has deemed your son required 25 hours 1-2-1 and I would doggedly be going after that (whilst considering other options, different schools etc).

My dd has a boy with autism/asoergers in her class, he is not violent to others but has frequent physical meltdowns, is disruptive due to his condition,, screams frequently etc, he has a full time TA to himself which means he gets the support he needs and the rest of the class progress too. A solution needs to work for all, not one and not 29.

Having taught young pupils on reduced timetables (very similar issues), here are a few things which worked. Allocated 1-to-1 used to help meet their sensory needs. Lots of outdoor/sensory play 1-to-1. Child having a blackout tent with blankets/torches/sensory toys which was their 'safe space'. Not used as 'time-out'/punishment, but timetabled regularly at start of day/right after break/during times pupil was known to find stressful. Also could be used by pupil showing a card so they started self-regulating. NO academic demands, children can't learn when they're stressed. All learning was done surreptitiously through play, i.e. counting when making playdough cakes/adding candles etc, playing with letters in the water tray and making funny/real words, writing in shaving foam etc. Time in class was in really short bursts, with them leaving to go to something nice BEFORE it all went wrong. Tiny, tiny steps, very few demands. Look at what he does when he's stressed - throwing/tearing/kicking/running/banging and try to find a way to replicate the sensations in a way which doesn't hurt others. I had an emergency box of bean bags/koosh balls which 1 pupil used to throw at/near me (and I threw them back!) if he was really stressed. It didn't hurt anyone, he went from raging to playing, to taking turns/moving on to hitting a target etc. It's not easy, you must be frazzled, but school need to use 1-to-1 more holistically, not to force him into class when he's not ready. Step back from formal learning until he's feeling more secure.

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Bumsex - why would/does a school have funding but not use it? Why wouldn't they, when it would be better for everyone? Do they have the money but spend it on something else? Genuine question.

They will do what they are doing with the op and use 1-1 support that is allocated for one child and share it amongst other children.

So that the ops ds isn't getting the hours of support he has been assessed as needing.

Schools are particularly reluctant to spend money on supporting behavioural/social needs ime as they don't reap any benefits in terms of sats scores etc. Much easier to put kids on a pt time table or threaten to exclude them so their parents move them (even if the exclusion wouldn't stand because they haven't been meeting the child's needs, they count on parents panicking about an exclusion on their child's record and moving them).

Schools have to fund the first £6k themselves which is probably the 15 hours per week. The LA has agreed to top up by 10 hours giving the OP's DS 25 hours of support a week. However, the LA are supportive of the part-time timetable arrangement that is in place and thus the OP's DS is only in school 15 hours per week.

The cynic in me thinks it's because the LA know that the school will move to the permanent exclusion process as the LA rep has already indicated she believes the child will need a specialist placement, and then the LA will then have the legal responsibility to arrange full-time education for him. The faffing around with the EHCP assessment by initially refusing is also concerning.

I've just been through the EHCP transfer & naming school process as my DS1 starts secondary in September. The LA case manager said in previous years they've been able to inform parents by December of whether their child had a specialist placement or not. This year it went right to the wire (beginning of Feb) as demand for places has increased massively. When I met with the SENCo of our local mainstream secondary it was abundantly clear they did not want a child with DS1's difficulties. When I mentioned this to the SEN caseworker she told me I was not alone in the response I had got from them.

Schools have to fund the first £6k themselves which is probably the 15 hours per week

No they don't thisnis a misconception.