To hate school for backing me into a corner

[Becks84]

My six year old ds has Sen and is currently in year one at school. Since he started back last septemeber it's been hell. His year one teacher was horrible and made no attempt to try and understand his needs and she was very abrupt telling me his diagnosis doesn't excuse how he behaves. Come October we were called in to see the head who told us they wanted our ds to go back into reception temporarily. We reluctantly agreed just to see if things would improve but they didn't and he had multiple exclusions. He went back after Christmas and again we were called in to see the head who told us they wanted him to go on a reduced timetable. We told her that we didn't agree with it and she told us straight that if we didn't agreed we'd have to find our ds another school!

So he's been on this reduced timetable for five weeks now and things still aren't improving at school and have actually got worse at home. I do not want him at the school anymore and have been to view a couple others but as the local authority have agreed to assess for an EHCP moving him isn't an option right now. But I'll be blunt. This reduced timetable is fucking killing me! Not only is it affecting my ds as he doesn't understand why he's being sent home every lunchtime it's also killing me.

My dh works full time on shifts and I'm at home currently as I had to quit my job. Without wanting to come across as a selfish cow, I need that time when my ds is at school to recharge my batteries. We are currently trying to decorate the house after having plastering done due to ds destroying the house but we can't get anything done as by the time I've dropped him at school, done a bit of food shopping and errands it's like 11.30 and I need to go back for him at 12.00. Plus I signed up to a couple of courses (parenting, neurodevlopmental, sensory problems etc) and I'm now having to mither family memebers to have my ds as my dh is working so can't. I rarely rely on family to help, because my side of the family don't really do babysitting and although my husband's family will help out we only usually ask them twice a year for mine and dh's birthdays so that we can go out for a few hours. I've always paid for nursery and out of school care myself when I was working and the whole point of being at home is that I don't have to rely on people to help, as I hate asking.

I'm absolutely exhausted and whilst I know really it's all about my son and how he's coping but if I'm not coping and feeling tired all the time I can't really help him can I. I feel as though I'm back at the nursery stage having him there a couple of hours and having to rush round to get things done before I have to go back for him. But I've been there done that and didn't wish to go back to it.

School know I don't work so are absolutely taking the piss just assuming I won't mind picking my son up at lunchtimes, but i do. Not because I'm this mean mum who would rather lunch with friends than look after my own child, but because one, he is entitled to a full time education, and two, why do they have the right to back me into a corner and not give me a say in what happens to my son. Aibu here?

You'd have thought that but to me it's clear they don't want him there but are doing what the woman from education said, jumping the hoops and proving they are doing all they can. But in reality yes they are jumping the hoops and ticking the boxes but I feel this is to get him out of the school and they won't do that until they prove his bad things have got.

Echo what others have said- a part time timetable should only be used as part of a reintegration package, not because the school cannot cope.

You need to contact the LA SEN team and make sure that they know that your son is not at school full time- if they are funding support for a certain number of hours, he must be receiving the support.

There are a few options:

1. Insist on him returning to school full time. If this results in a permanent exclusion, the LA would then have a responsibility to provide full time education for your son; this is likely to be in a PRU (Pupil Referral Unit). Permanent exclusion can sometimes be a way to galvanise the authority into action and obtain the support a child needs- it shouldn't be the only way, but unfortunately it can be.

1. Acknowledge that the school cannot cope with him full time, but that this does not change his right to a full time education. If the school cannot fulfil this, then putting him on dual roll with another provider (possibly the PRU) should be investigated.

1. Ask the LA to place him in specialist provision as an assessment place. He does not yet have an EHCP, but special schools sometimes offer places to children who are likely to get one whilst they are being assessed.

1. Apply to a different mainstream school.

Is the school an academy or maintained school?

It's a Catholic primary school. Not sure if it's relevant but it's full of middle class parents and kids very few Sen kids and those on free schools meals etc. They pride themselves on their outstanding Ofsted report but this means squat to me as of course they're going to have amazing results when they cherry pick their kids and push out Sen kids.

FrayedHem
Its not in the schools interest to make it as convoluted as possible.

It doesnt matter how you view the school. I doenst make sense.

Option 1 - A school is useless and has little interest in meetig the childs needs. Theyve got them on a part tike timetable hecause they cant be bothered. Its in their interest to get the child assessed and through the process quickly so their school doesnt have to deal with the issues anymore and the child can be mover setting.

Option 2 - A school is a wonderful environment with caring staff who are deeply troubles by the demands placed on them due to balancing the needs of a child with extreme behaviour and the needs of 29 other children who are missing out on education as a result of it. Theyve got specialists in but are aware that they dont have the same provision as other schools. Pressure from the LA means they feel they have to try and sort something but their current set up isnt working. The child is on a part time timetable to minimise stress on the child whilst keeping them in school so they can do an ECHP. They very much hope that once the childs needs are clear they can support alternative models of education e.g. off site education, time at schools with sensory zones or a move to specialist providers. - they want whats best for the child so need the child assesed quickly.

The system can be crap. But i dont think anyone wants to drag their heels.

It sounds incredibly stressful.

What DixieNormas said! School isn't a babysitting service, but if your child has very challenging behaviour day and night, sometimes the times they are at school is your respite. It can feel as if you are being discriminated against for having a difficult child as everyone else's child is in school. Last year, we had continual phonecalls to take dd home as she was "very upset" or had fallen asleep after a tantrum. CAMHS and an independent SALT (as nhs one was non-existant) did sort it out, along with a reminder that it was about them finding ways to cope with her.

Initially they said until April but the woman from education said they shouldn't put at time limit on it and at present school aren't in a position to take my ds back full time. Tbsy said that when he does eventually go back full time (if he ever does) they will gradually reintegrate him back into class doing say Monday part time Tuesday full time Wednesday part time etc. But I know my son and this will just confuse him further.

I was with you until you said This reduced timetable is fucking killing me! You don't work now and need the time to 'recharge your batteries' and are in the process of 'decorating'... Whilst the school doesn't sound like they have done everything they can for your DC, they are not a babysitting service.

I'm currently recharging my batteries. I've had both DCs since Christmas and my Ex has only just found time to have them again. Having a child with complex SNs is bloody exhausting. If she chooses those hours to recharge before she has to carry on her duty of caring for him again then she's more than entitled. DS has taken to deciding to have very little or no sleep at all recently and I am beyond tired some days. Sorry OP I had to address that one for you. Of course they're not a babysitting service. But they are there to provide OPs DS with a full time education, required by law. Which they're currently not failing to do.

This must be hard for you OP.

Can I ask though what you want the school to do exactly? If the child won't sit still and is endangering and disrupting everyone what can the teachers/TA actually do about it other than remove the him?
Honestly not trying to be goady just wonder what options you actually have here.

I appreciate how difficult it must be for your son it must be hard for the other kids and teacher too. I think if he were mine I would prefer him to be at home until I found somewhere more suitable for him if he is so upset he is behaving in this way every time he goes to school?

You need to contact the LA SEN team and make sure that they know that your son is not at school full time- if they are funding support for a certain number of hours, he must be receiving the support.

Good point tethersend. I'd also enquire as to whether the allocated funding needs to be reduced accordingly as DS is not currently in school full time but then I'm a bitch like that.

That's exactly what it feels like. Plus it's upsetting my dd as well as she's is witness to her brother's outbursts at school ie at break times, assembly and even she has said he's always being told off and always upset.

From what you've written the behaviour sounds very extreme - it may be that mainstream may not be the best environment or alternatively, a school with a behaviour unit may be more appropriate.

Does he have funded hours? It didn't sound like a statement was in place.

It's a Catholic primary school. Not sure if it's relevant but it's full of middle class parents and kids very few Sen kids and those on free schools meals etc. They pride themselves on their outstanding Ofsted report but this means squat to me as of course they're going to have amazing results when they cherry pick their kids and push out Sen kids.

Hmm. Not entirely OP. The DCs last school was an inner city state school and was beyond atrocious when it came to SNs provision.

They're both currently in a very small middle class school in a 'niace' area and they have been nothing but accommodating with DS.

To be honest I want them to be completely open and honest with me as to how they are dealing with my son's behaviour as most days i feel I'm out of the loop and have no idea what's going on. I would like them to do a daily diary to see if we can together identify any possible triggers to cause such behabuour and work with me to develop strategies. Oh and maybe go on courses to develop their skills surrounding Sen as I know that they only do one or two days a year training which in my opinion isn't enough.

currently not failing to do.

Currently failing to do that should say.

That's the question isn't it. As far as I know nothing will be done differently. So what's the point?

I feel for you OP as we have a difficult situation with our older child. I don't think people realise how draining it is looking after an SN child for 80% of the week. House decorating is one thing but patching up where your child has kicked in walls and doors so you don't have to look at it all day is another. We are trying to work with our school but as you say it's heartbreaking when the triggers to behaviour are their own doing but they will not change their approach. I hope you get your ECHP soon. And please do take care of yourself as well.

They see my child as the problem not the way they deal with him. And whilst I agree he is extremely challenging how do I know that they aren't doing things to set him off.

I understand how the school could make you have him at home. Sorry. By law they have to provide full time education.

I would move him now if you can. You won't get an honest assessment for an EHCP from that lot.

I would get another paediatrician appointment and explain about the reduced timetable and the potential exclusion - I think his behaviour sounds severe enough to warrant medication IMHO, i would insist upon it. My DD was on it from around the January of Year 1 after a hellish Reception Year where her teachers struggled to control her and she had a terrible time of it. I'd also recommend some Melatonin to get him to sleep at night - if he is only having 4hrs a night that is definitely not enough for a 6yr old, tiredness often exacerbates the behavioural problems too.

Tbsy said that when he does eventually go back full time (if he ever does) they will gradually reintegrate him back into class doing say Monday part time Tuesday full time Wednesday part time etc. But I know my son and this will just confuse him further.

And if you did work how are you meant to arrange your way around that flimsy timetable? Given you'd have to search for specialist childcare for him . Someone who actually has in depth experience of dealing with SNs.