To hate school for backing me into a corner

[Becks84]

My six year old ds has Sen and is currently in year one at school. Since he started back last septemeber it's been hell. His year one teacher was horrible and made no attempt to try and understand his needs and she was very abrupt telling me his diagnosis doesn't excuse how he behaves. Come October we were called in to see the head who told us they wanted our ds to go back into reception temporarily. We reluctantly agreed just to see if things would improve but they didn't and he had multiple exclusions. He went back after Christmas and again we were called in to see the head who told us they wanted him to go on a reduced timetable. We told her that we didn't agree with it and she told us straight that if we didn't agreed we'd have to find our ds another school!

So he's been on this reduced timetable for five weeks now and things still aren't improving at school and have actually got worse at home. I do not want him at the school anymore and have been to view a couple others but as the local authority have agreed to assess for an EHCP moving him isn't an option right now. But I'll be blunt. This reduced timetable is fucking killing me! Not only is it affecting my ds as he doesn't understand why he's being sent home every lunchtime it's also killing me.

My dh works full time on shifts and I'm at home currently as I had to quit my job. Without wanting to come across as a selfish cow, I need that time when my ds is at school to recharge my batteries. We are currently trying to decorate the house after having plastering done due to ds destroying the house but we can't get anything done as by the time I've dropped him at school, done a bit of food shopping and errands it's like 11.30 and I need to go back for him at 12.00. Plus I signed up to a couple of courses (parenting, neurodevlopmental, sensory problems etc) and I'm now having to mither family memebers to have my ds as my dh is working so can't. I rarely rely on family to help, because my side of the family don't really do babysitting and although my husband's family will help out we only usually ask them twice a year for mine and dh's birthdays so that we can go out for a few hours. I've always paid for nursery and out of school care myself when I was working and the whole point of being at home is that I don't have to rely on people to help, as I hate asking.

I'm absolutely exhausted and whilst I know really it's all about my son and how he's coping but if I'm not coping and feeling tired all the time I can't really help him can I. I feel as though I'm back at the nursery stage having him there a couple of hours and having to rush round to get things done before I have to go back for him. But I've been there done that and didn't wish to go back to it.

School know I don't work so are absolutely taking the piss just assuming I won't mind picking my son up at lunchtimes, but i do. Not because I'm this mean mum who would rather lunch with friends than look after my own child, but because one, he is entitled to a full time education, and two, why do they have the right to back me into a corner and not give me a say in what happens to my son. Aibu here?

Out of interest, have you looked up PDA (Pathological Demand Avoidance) as it's not diagnosed in every PCT, and it's often diagnosed as ODD instead. It may or may not fit your son, but I hadn't heard of it before Mumsnet, and DS would have just had an ASD diagnosis. PDA fits him much better, and there are different strategies. DS also has ADHD. When the school tried ASD strategies they didn't work all that well (although he does have it as you can't have PDA without ASD) but the PDA ones really do.

but again the woman from education piped up and said the school aren't in a position to take my son back full time in three weeks time

Then can you question whether they think that's appropriate and they still think they're meeting your childs needs?

Yeah hun I've thought for ages he fits the PDA profile. He most definitely has ADHD as he's typically hyper impulsive fidgety etc but it's the demand avoidance and oppositional behabuour that is more dominant.

I was with you until you said This reduced timetable is fucking killing me! You don't work now and need the time to 'recharge your batteries' and are in the process of 'decorating'... Whilst the school doesn't sound like they have done everything they can for your DC, they are not a babysitting service.

Give it ten minutes Dixie

I tried to question that at our meeting last week and she said school are doing everything they can. The woman from the behaviour team was horrible and spoke badly about my son and made me feel as though all of this was my fault. Even my dh said she was out of order and said I should put a complaint in about her. The woman from education wasn't much better and just kept on praising the school because on paper it looks as though they're doing all they can. The only person at the meeting who back is up and helped us get our point across was the woman from parent partnership but then the rude woman from education and behabuour team kept interrupting and talking over her every time she tried to make a point.

There is no statutory basis upon which to establish a reduced timetable, however, in exceptional circumstances, schools may decide to
implement one for a time-limited period in order to support a pupil who cannot attend school full-time to reintegrate into full-time provision. In other words it is most likely to be used where a pupil has been away from school for a period of time, for instance after a medical issue and they are slowly building back up to full attendance.
It is possible for a parent to agree with the school that a short period, a few weeks, of reduced timetable might be of benefit to allow behaviours to be modified. However it is apparent from your posts that you were bounced into this arrangement, which is wrong and you have not agreed in writing what the arrangements are and more importantly what the school is doing to improve your child' behaviour in this time.
I would suggest that you google on your LA's site what it says about reduced hours timetable, so that it gives you an idea what is expected locally, as there are differences across the country.
However as other have said, there is a limit to what the school can do about your child's behaviour, especially as you do not seem able to control them either. The alternative from the school's perspective has got to be permanent exclusion if they can show that they have tried everything that is reasonable to modify your child's behaviour.

I can't believe they haven't set up a home/school book. Our LA can be hesitant to start the EHCP until all resources/help have been tried, but we already had a statement, so it was a case of transferring for us. Some schools/staff just don't get SEN, the comment about it not excusing his behaviour is appalling. What excuses her from not making reasonable adjustments?

Presumably, your ds is kicking off because something is triggering him. The attitude of it coming out of nowhere, is not particularly helpful, as it doesn't seem as though they are that receptive to him. It may be that he needs a specialist school, or just one that is more in tune with him. Our local disability CAMHS were very helpful picking apart some of dd's behaviours eg grabbing, pulling hair etc. they helped school and home with strategies, including social stories. She has DS, with possible ASD. And yes, we had to have a landing replastered (it was old plaster which she picked off and made the stairgate unsafe). Peeling off wallpaper is her latest...

You really need to wise up OP and quickly, to get things sorted asap. You haven't responded to most of the knowledgeable posters, who really know how to handle the school, play the system etc.

What does your DS's paediatrician have to say about the issues at school?
My daughter is diagnosed with ADHD & ASD and she takes medication to allow her to access mainstream school (because her behaviour would be so disruptive otherwise) and she copes fairly well. She obviously has some meltdowns every now and again but this is handled well and she is given extra allowances if you like. Paediatrician monitors her carefully and always wants to hear about any issues at school, I wonder if yours could help you.
I'd also recommend the 123 Magic programme if you haven't already tried it.

Oh for god's sake I think we've already established that the school isn't a babysitting service. I very rarely discuss how I'm feeling and reach out for support and the one time I do I'm made to feel like shit. It is killing me at the minute because not only am i up most of the night with my son as (he sleeps four hours a night on a good night) I'm spending my day rushing around trying to repair my home (it's rented so can't stay like this) whilst my ds is at school, do your typical errands, meal plan (my son won't eat the same foods as the rest of us) just your usual shit whilst also driving back and forth collecting my ds from school then back for my dd at three then taking her to all of her after schools clubs. I'm also trying to commit to a course that I think would help my son. I'm not going to bore you with absolutely everything i do in a day as quite frankly you won't have the time to read it all but let me just tell you something. I've worked full time, part time, shifts, night work, weekends etc in the past. Going to work and managing a home and caring for neurotypical children is a walk in the park to what I do now.

MsJamie sorry but I tend to agree with the other posters you do seen to be uncaring and lacking in empathy. But then you want others to have sympathy for you about your past and history????
Sorry what goes around comes around.

It sounds very unsympathetic of the school, op. Is there a home-ed group near you op? They can be really welcoming and positive places. They do all sorts of fun educational activities together. It could be good to see what they get up to and ask them for some advice. You can try looking on facebook. It would be better than being stuck in the house and MUCH better than being sent into reception. That just seems mean. X

We recently had a paediatrician appointment. School are pushing for me to medicate my ds even though I've told them the doctor is reluctant until he's older but I did ask again when I seen him and he said the same thing. They don't like to medicate apparently until kids are seven. I told him how things are at school but that's all he had to say.

I might not have responded to every comment but believe me I have taken them on board.

I think you have a lot of evidence that this school cannot meet his needs and from that, that mainstream in general cannot meet his needs. More than I had tbh.

Sorry what goes around comes around.

Sorry but the reaction to someone telling you that their DH and DC have been set on fire certainly isn't to point out their spelling!

Reduced timetable sounds like an illegal exclusion. I have been retired for a while now so my knowledge isn't up to date, but I strongly recommend that you contact IPSEA.

The school and the LA have made it clear they are going to make this process as convoluted as possible. You know the school failed to supply enough information for the EHCP request. You know they are getting more funded hours than he is there for. You know the LA are supporting the school in the part time timetable arrangement. I'm doubtful that they get 20 weeks to isdue an EHCP even if they initially turned it down, as 6 weeks of that is allocated to considering the request. You need to get onto IPSEA or SOSSEN to get the information you need to push this forward.

I've already contacted them Larry but thanks for the suggestion. They said the same as education did that schools can enforce them in exceptional circumstances.

If the school already has 121 funding for your son could you push for him to spend time in school some afternoons with the 121 TA but not in the classroom?

School have said he needs a higher level teaching assistant but they only have one at present and she can only spend half her time with him as they said she needs to be supporting another child with Sen.

If your son continues to be excluded it could end up being permanent, I would have thought the reduced timetable is a compromise on the school's part to help prevent that from happening.