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AIBU?

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Original poster

To ask if you'd judge someone if they had obviously self harm scars?

180 replies

ConfuzzledAboutStuff · 17/02/2017 08:39

Posting for traffic. I have namechanged.

I self harmed as a teenager and now have a mass of healed scars up both arms (as faded as they'll ever be). I haven't hurt myself in almost 5 years. I'm a coward too scared to go swimming or wear short sleeves for fear of people seeing and judging.
So that's what I'm asking. Would you judge if you saw someone with scars that were obviously from self harm?

OP posts:
Keeptrudging · 17/02/2017 23:38

So despite the fact I haven't self-harmed anywhere visible for 25+ years, I'm condemned to wearing long sleeves in case someone thinks I'm 'unprofessional'. My track record as a professional speaks for me, not my scars. Get a grip Hmm.

JHMJHM · 17/02/2017 23:50

As an ex anorexic/bulimic variant I look back on my lifestyle as utterly selfish shit.

I'm embarrassed I put my friends and family through it. For me it was totally short lived (3 years) and quite frankly it was a waste of my time, body, and everyone else's stress.

I get that mental health is an issue- but it wasnt a mental health issue in my case. I was just a fucking massive weird pain in the arse for my loved ones for years, - NO EXCUSE.

ADishBestEatenCold · 17/02/2017 23:59

"I think if you do bare your arms you'll have to be ready to answer people's questions, because inevitably people will ask"

I know that's likely true, juneau, but I just don't get it!

What on earth would ever lead anybody to think that it was even vaguely okay to question a stranger (or even a casual acquaintance) about their past health issues.

Would people think that it was acceptable to question a stranger with one leg about their past health issues?

JHMJHM · 18/02/2017 00:08

I totally get why people self harm, or self medicate. That is human.

MommaGee · 18/02/2017 00:32

What on earth would ever lead anybody to think that it was even vaguely okay to question a stranger (or even a casual acquaintance) about their past health issues.
Not even just past. I regularly get asked what is ^wrong with my poor^ baby

BorrowedHeart · 18/02/2017 00:38

I'd notice, I'd probably think of reasons why (in my head, as I've done it myself) no judgment though.

YellowLambBanana · 18/02/2017 00:38

No I wouldn't judge. Any judging / negative attitudes are not worth worrying about. Be proud of who you are - and what you've accomplished over the last 5 years x

MothersRuinart · 18/02/2017 00:52

I know a surprising amount of people, both men and women, with self harm scars. This was when I was younger. i didn't judge them, just wondered what was going on in their lives. I've done it myself to a certain extent so can't really judge. Empathise, yes.

manicinsomniac · 18/02/2017 01:10

keeptrudging - yes, quite frankly. Not because it's arbitrarily and vaguely 'unprofessional' but because of the reason it's unprofessional - ie, that a vulnerable young person could be negatively impacted. I'm genuinely surprised that that needs explaining. I don't know any self harm sufferer, however past tense, that works with children who would need telling to be very, very careful not to let scars show. And I know a lot of people who fall into that category.

Years ago, I got called into the head's study to talk about a report that had been made to her about me having 'cuts' on my arm (I didn't). I was really confused about where those reports had come from as I am so careful. Turned out to be somebody from the village who had seen me out walking at the weekend in a teeshirt and called the school, mistaking scars for cuts. That's how much of a problem it can be.

Ouriana · 18/02/2017 01:37

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

PhoebeGetsIt · 18/02/2017 01:45

I wouldn't judge. Scars like that show great pain and the fact that the person with the scars is still standing shows great strength.
Some people may ask about the scars though, not out of spite but through curiosity.
I have a scar on my palm and if noticed (especially by child folk) people will ask how it came to be.

BusterTheBulldog · 18/02/2017 02:06

No, not at all. I was at secondary school early / mid 90s and it was something that a lot of people did. obviously some people were in a teeeible place, but others were not. Would not judge anyone at all.

ElvishArchdruid · 18/02/2017 02:09

I know someone who SH, because I was told how bad it was before they stopped, along with what they would do to harm, it was never a shock to see the mutilation. There was curiosity as to how someone could do that, but I'm not a big fan of blood, so I don't think I could do it.

To do that you have to have pretty serious issues. Although my judgey pants think that for some I wonder if it's teenage angst, something that becomes a fad, like chicken scratches, the most bizarre fad ever. That's the only time I think I'd possibly wonder. I know with most there's genuine issues that need addressing, but like with most things, there are those who do it for attention.

Original poster
ConfuzzledAboutStuff · 18/02/2017 08:53

By the way, there's been some confusion about what exactly I mean by judge: I mean judging in a bad way, rather that just forming an opinion! Should have put that in the title, sorry!

OP posts:
LadyandTramp · 18/02/2017 13:27

How about "Why do you ask?" As a reply?
Or "Gosh that's a personal question" and proceed to ignore question.

It really isn't anyone's business and you have absolutely every right to deflect it.

My son told one nosey Parker that he'd "been a tree surgeon".

dingdongthewitchisdead1 · 18/02/2017 13:48

Definitely wouldn't judge... well done, you've come a long way Flowers

dingdongthewitchisdead1 · 18/02/2017 13:51

The more we put mental health on the same level as physical health, the less stigma there will be.
People wouldnt worry about being judged because they have a scar on their leg from a fall, or a war wound from their cancer op...
Please don't worry about being judged for having self harm scars. They are evidence that you have fought and survived!!!! Xx

ADishBestEatenCold · 18/02/2017 14:00

"How about "Why do you ask?" As a reply?"

I remember seeing a television programme some years ago (one of those intense series aimed at teenagers, name escapes me) and one character asked another what happened, how did she get the scars on her arm ...

"Take it from me" said she, "if your going to swim with Pirhanas, you better be able to swim faster than I can"!

Was a good answer! Smile

manicinsomniac · 18/02/2017 20:23

One of my friends at university used to reply 'UDI' to anyone who asked her (unidentified drunken injury).

The more we put mental health on the same level as physical health, the less stigma there will be.People wouldnt worry about being judged because they have a scar on their leg from a fall, or a war wound from their cancer op...Please don't worry about being judged for having self harm scars. They are evidence that you have fought and survived!!!! Xx

Can't agree with this though. We need the stigma and the worry about been discovered or known about to be there or what incentive is there not to do it? Nobody can help falling or having cancer but self harm is (usually) a choice of coping mechanism. Barring psychosis or severe depression people aren't forced into self harm against their will.

Personally, I found it severely addictively, calming, hypnotising, relieving, invigorating and many other positive things. It helped me cope when I couldn't think how else to process thoughts and emotions and kept me functioning when I wanted to curl up in a ball and cry. If there was no stigma and everyone accepted it as something that could be visible with no shame - well, I'd just have at it, tbh! It's not like being suicidal and it's not particularly dangerous. To many (I want to say most but I don't really know) self harmers there is no reason not to it other than how unacceptable it is.

BlowMeDownWithAFeatherMissis · 18/02/2017 20:29

I would never judge someone for this, no. I see SH scars frequently enough on friends and acquaintances and generally I just feel sad for the person that they went through the pain of needing to SH, and appreciate their strength in getting through that. Honestly - anyone who'd run from you because of that really isn't worth having as a friend.

spooniestudent · 19/02/2017 00:04

Mine are a reminder of what I went through and how far I've come, I could never judge anyone else for that.
Apart from a few twats this thread has been really uplifting

Keeptrudging · 19/02/2017 00:13

Can I also add that during my (many) years teaching, not one child has asked about my SH scars. They've asked about a few other scars (from real bike crashes). I'm not out there being a negative influence. If anything, I turned my life around and chose a career where I could, and do, make a difference.

manicinsomniac · 19/02/2017 00:51

I have absolutely zero doubt that you can and do make a positive difference as a teacher keeptrudging Not for a second did I mean to question your ability to do your job well. I just don't understand why you need short sleeves to do it well? Light, long sleeves are hardly a hardship and could save a situation that is at best embarrassing and at worst destructive.

I'm not surprised that children haven't directly asked you. You're a teacher in authority. I can't compare the children I teach to yours because I have never revealed my scars to them but, as an older teen/younger adult, I danced semi professionally with groups of all ages and gasps of shock or questions about scars usually came within the first 10 minutes of meeting anyone old enough to wonder and young enough not to be scared of asking. Friends tend not to ask but will then refer to the scars or to self harming as if I've talked about it when all I have done is worn a t-shirt. So the assumption is obviously there. People, even kids, aren't stupid. They probably know, even if they don't ask. That's why I now tend to be careful, even among general public where I don't know anyone specific. Too many cringey, scary moments of hearing 'Mummy, what's wrong with that lady's arms?' as I pass by.

If you, your SMT, your parents and your pupils are all happy with you showing scars then that's all great. But I can't pretend to understand or agree.

Toddlerteaplease · 19/02/2017 13:58

I have scars but they are very pale now and barely visible. So o don't really care about them. One of my colleagues has really bad scars. I don't think it bothers her much either. She doesn't cover them up at work. Have to be 'bare below the elbow'

SeriousSteve · 19/02/2017 14:07

My self harm was blunt force, my hands were heavily bruised and often swollen. Pretty impossible to hide, saw people looking a lot, only an X-ray tech asked once.

Fuck people's judgements, you're incredibly strong for getting through it.

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