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Original poster

To ask if you'd judge someone if they had obviously self harm scars?

180 replies

ConfuzzledAboutStuff · 17/02/2017 08:39

Posting for traffic. I have namechanged.

I self harmed as a teenager and now have a mass of healed scars up both arms (as faded as they'll ever be). I haven't hurt myself in almost 5 years. I'm a coward too scared to go swimming or wear short sleeves for fear of people seeing and judging.
So that's what I'm asking. Would you judge if you saw someone with scars that were obviously from self harm?

OP posts:
Sunnysidegold · 17/02/2017 09:43

This is a wonderful thread and I cannot believe the lovely responses.as a self-harmer I feel so heartened to read these.ive been self conscious about my scarring although really only one on my arm is thick enough to be noticed the rest are fairly silvery and fine. I do now wear short sleeves and will wear a swimsuit even though the scars on my legs are worse but I've worried about what others might think.thank you all for these responses.

caffelatte100 · 17/02/2017 09:44

I would try not to judge but I couldn't help thinking that there would still be or have been issues and big ones. So, I might be more careful somehow in my interactions ... to be nice or not to offend them in case it could trigger something. I would be interested, but then I am interested generally in people. I haven't met anyone who self harms, to my knowledge at least.

JaxingJump · 17/02/2017 09:45

Actually if I saw someone with scars on display at the pool, I'd be proud of them.

Anyone that matters will feel the same.

JaxingJump · 17/02/2017 09:46

Proud of them for not hiding them I mean. It would signal time that they had a very tough time at some point but were now recovered and strong.

susurration · 17/02/2017 09:47

I heard this first from Derren Brown and have said it many time since to myself and other friends with depression etc:

We're all trapped inside our own heads.

Most people are so wrapped up in themselves they won't even notice, and if they do notice its none of their business anyway.

I've got lots of self harm scars on my arms, people have commented once or twice in the last ten years but only when we've been discussing the topic or mental health in general. I would never judge you for having scars, I would think you were a person who had gone through some stuff and you're still alive to tell the tale. That's all that matters really.

LadyandTramp · 17/02/2017 09:48

My son has many thick scars from self harming. It makes me sad that my beautiful boy did that to himself, but as others have said, proud that he isn't ashamed.

I do know that not everyone who has seen them is sensitive enough not to mention them. He has been asked outright what they were or why he had done it by nosy (insensitive) people and he struggled to know what to say. I'd recommend having a reply you are comfortable with saying should anyone ask.

I worked with someone who had them (young chap, I was his manager), and in a way it was a good thing that I noticed them as I realised that he was potentially vulnerable (turned out he was) and I was more sensitive to his issues (sickness absence etc).

You only have one life, be free in your body and your choices. We all have our scars, just not all on the outside.

ohtheholidays · 17/02/2017 09:51

No never,sadly 2 DC in our family have those marks.
They no longer self harm thank God so I'd never judge,I've seen young adults with the same marks and I've never judged them I've only ever felt sadness for the pain they must have been feeling when they made those marks.

I don't know if you've ever tried it but Bio Oil is good for old scars,if you wanted to help them faid a bit more there's quite alot of different products on the market now that are supposed to be good.

Mobley · 17/02/2017 09:51

If you dared to bare, I'd think you were braver than me.

I've worn long sleeves for 20 years because I don't have the guts to show them.

Unfortunately people do notice and ask questions. I don't want to be happily going about my day only to be abruptly reminded of something horrible that happened to me. I'm not ok with what happened so I can't be breezy about it.

londonrach · 17/02/2017 09:51

Theres nothing to judge.

Wellitwouldbenice · 17/02/2017 09:53

Of course no judgement - there is nothing to judge. If I noticed, I might briefly think that the person had been through some very difficult times. But that's all.

notarehearsal · 17/02/2017 09:57

Just looked up the definition of to judge which is to form an opinion or conclusion about.
Yes, I probably would form an opinion and/ or conclusion , that you had self harmed. Having worked with many people who have self harmed I'd also probably recognise that the scars were not new and hence conclude that you weren't currently self harming ( unless elsewhere on your body) That's as far as it would go, I'd not be concluding what sort of a person you were but I'd probably wonder what sadness you'd seen

OverthinkingSpartacus · 17/02/2017 10:11

My best friend has SH scars, before I got to know her I did notice the scars but didn't judge. Our DDs started nursery together (now in y7) and over time we became really good friends.

She's told me all about her self harming and said that as she got older she gives less of a fuck, that she's overcome so much more and dealt with nastier behaviour from others than a bit of gossiping. She said most people look, register the scars, then just carry on as normal.

She said if she was asked, she can talk about it now, for a long time she couldn't speak to anyone who wasn't a close friend or close family and would hide her arms. She feels stronger now, partly because she tells her dd to not care what others think about physical appearance and also because she accepts that the events that happened in her life are nothing she needs to be ashamed for.

She still struggles from time to time, but wearing t shirts is the easiest part for her. Not everyone is the same as her though and that's ok too. But anyone judging you isn't anyone worth giving a fuck about.

Flowers for you

yellowfrog · 17/02/2017 10:15

Definitely wouldn't judge, at least not negatively. I would think well of you for getting through an obviously difficult time, and I would feel a kinship for you having been there and done that myself, albeit to a very minor degree. Basically, wear your scars with pride - they are a sign you got through a difficult time which is an achievement to be very proud of!

CMOTDibbler · 17/02/2017 10:22

No, never. But FWIW, I have really big surgical scars on one arm from above my elbow to my knuckles, and I don't cover them. I spent a week working with someone, during which I was wearing short sleeves and they genuinely didn't notice.

ToastyFingers · 17/02/2017 10:23

I've got scars on my upper arms, and quite thick ones on my thighs, they are quite old now, and I pay them no attention and wear whatever I like.

I've never been confronted about it, but if I was, I think I'd be honest. I had an awful time when I was younger, and was in a really bad place. I did what I had to do to keep myself going.

If you were displaying fresh injuries, I might be concerned for your well-being, but old scars? I'd think you were a brass, strong woman, finally free of your demons.

ToastyFingers · 17/02/2017 10:24

I don't know where brass came from there, damn auto-correct.

PavlovianLunge · 17/02/2017 10:32

We have two friends who have self harm scars on their arms. I've noticed, but I have no idea how long it took me to notice. No way would/do I judge them, and I'd have a few very well-chosen words with anyone who did.

We've never talked about it; if they raise the subject, that's okay, but it's not my place to.

If I saw obviously fresh scars, with these friends, or any other friend, I might try to discreetly ask them how they are and to see if they need help.

khajiit13 · 17/02/2017 10:33

I have SH scars on my inner wrist and they're quite obvious but go unnoticed because of their positioning I think. I think I've had 4 people ever ask in 7 years. A friend of a friend (my now DH!) FIL & SIL despite spending plenty of time together only noticed about 3-4 years after I met them! And a doctor.
I go to no effort to hid them and I don't care if people see. Literally never enters my head that they're even there.

I understand your struggle op but if I saw someone with scars I'd just give them a smile.

SisterMortificado · 17/02/2017 10:41

I've got SH scars all up the backs of my wrists and over my collarbones- they're from abrasions, so most people don't clock them as SH straight away- until they think about it, I suppose, and realise they're in fairly hard spots for it to be accidental. Nobody's ever asked about them.

I don't bother to try to hide them. They're not pretty, but neither's my face!
When I see someone else with old scars, I mentally high five them for getting through. I mentally hug people with fresh ones.

Ouriana · 17/02/2017 10:46

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

harderandharder2breathe · 17/02/2017 10:48

I have scars on my arm and legs. Only had a handful of comments in ten years, none negative or positive just curious and easily brushed away.

I got over it when I had a job with a uniform that had short sleeves.

Now I don't have a uniform but work in a warm office so always short sleeves by choice, I also volunteer with children and I swim regularly.

I would notice but never comment and never judge.

PageStillNotFound404 · 17/02/2017 10:52

I might notice (I'm not very observant), if I did I would judge...that you were strong and obviously in a better place now than previously, and I'd hope that my friend in a similar position will one day get to a point where she can feel as "no fucks given" about it as you'd seem to be.

Highmaintenancefemalestuff · 17/02/2017 10:53

I used to self harm. Over the last 10 years the scars have faded as much as they will. No one has ever commented and I forget they are there. They have come from a time I was struggling to express my emotions and when I do remember or catch sight of them I'm proud of myself. Proud that I have found a better way of dealing with my emotions. Proud that I came through my struggles. I would never judge. Don't be ashamed of your scars, when you look at them remember what you have survived. You have gone 5 years without harming, be proud of that.

alicedrablow · 17/02/2017 10:53

I have a big scar from self harming on my thigh. I still wear what I like; who cares what other people think???

SuperFlyHigh · 17/02/2017 10:54

No. What business is it of mine?

I'd hope that you'd resolved the problems to do with the scars happening and hope you were getting better.