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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask if you'd judge someone if they had obviously self harm scars?

180 replies

ConfuzzledAboutStuff · 17/02/2017 08:39

Posting for traffic. I have namechanged.

I self harmed as a teenager and now have a mass of healed scars up both arms (as faded as they'll ever be). I haven't hurt myself in almost 5 years. I'm a coward too scared to go swimming or wear short sleeves for fear of people seeing and judging.
So that's what I'm asking. Would you judge if you saw someone with scars that were obviously from self harm?

OP posts:
sillypussy · 17/02/2017 08:56

I remember seeing a woman wearing a short sleeve t-shirt and both her arms were a mass of deep red scars from self harming. I felt a mixture of pride and sorrow for her. Sorrow as she'd obviously been to hell and back at some point in her life. But also pride for having the courage to expose her scars and stick 2 fingers up to our judgemental society in which we live. So I say wear your scars with pride. They show you have survived and are successful. Big, big hugs OP

quarkinstockcubes · 17/02/2017 08:56

Wouldn't judge (what does that even mean?) but I did see a very young person once with a short sleeve top on and very obvious SH scars all the way up his arm. I found it quite upsetting and really wanted to go and give him a hug.

Lessthanaballpark · 17/02/2017 08:57

One of my colleagues does and I didn't judge in the slightest although I did feel a bit of a muppet for asking how he got them before twigging Blush

Devilishpyjamas · 17/02/2017 09:00

Oh my mum had bruises as well and when she was asked about them (she said she forgot she had them and took her cardigan off) she said she'd fallen off a horse. My mother is the least likely person to go riding that ever existed -I was on the floor laughing imagining it - so if you don't want a discussion you could just create a crazy answer.

Devilishpyjamas · 17/02/2017 09:00

Then wear what you like.

SansaClegane · 17/02/2017 09:01

Another ex-self harmer here. My arms are full of very faded, silvery scars but I absolutely wear short sleeves now. In my experience, most people don't actually notice them - and if someone were to notice and judge you for them, you'd be better off without them in your life anyway.
I haven't self harmed in probably 15 years now and I do forget about the scars most of the time myself.
The DCs have started asking questions now though which I find rather hard to deal with, but that's another story.

finnishbiscuiteater · 17/02/2017 09:02

I also have very visible self harm scars - although mine are 20 years old.

I wear short sleeves all the time. Very few people actually ask about them. My favorite answer to why do you have so many scars on your arm is I'm right handed.

As a survivor of childhood asexual abuse, I feel that I don't want him to take anything more away from me, even the ability to wear short sleeves.

Well done for getting to a place where you no longer need to self harm. You should be proud of them, they show how strong you are to have survived

tricornel · 17/02/2017 09:03

I noticed a young girl (early 20s maybe) had self harm scars (quite obvious ones) right up both her arms the other day, although I only really noticed because she was piercing my ear and her arm was in my face. I noticed, thought 'oh I hope she's in a better place now' and thought no more about it. Everyone's got battle scars, be they physical - self harm, childbirth, mental scars, difficulties in their lives past and present. If someone wants to judge you negatively, fuck'em, they're not worth knowing. Be proud that you've come out the other end.

Mari50 · 17/02/2017 09:05

Wouldn't judge. Would notice and feel empathy as I've been there, done that but what's to judge?

CondensedMilkSarnies · 17/02/2017 09:05

If people comment be brave and tell the truth , you have nothing to be ashamed of . If they're a decent person they will understand if they're not then their opinion doesn't count .

DontTouchTheMoustache · 17/02/2017 09:07

Flowers no I wouldn't judge you at all. Both me and my sister self harmed as teenagers due to a very unhappy homelife. Mine didn't scar but hers did. She got some tattoos to help hide them but some are still very visible so she rarely reveals her arms which makes me so sad for her.

Nabootique · 17/02/2017 09:09

I wouldn't judge. I have them myself and I go swimming, wear short shorts in summer, etc. I think maybe one or two people have asked about them (one of which was a doctor during an examination, so that was almost to be expected!) over the course of many years. I am honest about where they came from and no one has ever reacted badly or treated me differently.

EveOnline2016 · 17/02/2017 09:09

I wouldn't judge.

When depression for me got so bad I did attempt to take an overdose.

Bitofacow · 17/02/2017 09:11

Would notice, wouldn't judge negatively.
Would be careful with what I said.

Gildedcage · 17/02/2017 09:12

I wouldn't judge and would probably not even notice them for what they are. As everyone has said if people do notice they would still not notice. Most of us have scars it's just some of them aren't there to be seen.

ItsyBitsyBikini · 17/02/2017 09:13

No judging here, my sister has hundreds of scars up her arms, her legs and belly. She's covered them in tattoos but they are visible to those who know they're there. She rarely covers up and displays them and her tats proudly. It's a big part of your life and whilst it's horrible to go through, you're out the other side and in a better place hopefully. Anyone who does judge clearly has no empathy or sympathy or general basic human kindness Flowers

Kikikaakaa · 17/02/2017 09:14

No. I wouldn't.

I have scarring on my back and face and sometimes feel self conscious but no one has ever said anything or made me feel bad about it. I'm not sure people notice actually, too busy doing their own thing

GoodyGoodyGumdrops · 17/02/2017 09:14

Not in the least. Why would I judge someone for being in such pain? It's heartbreaking, even if you're not involved.

AgentCooper · 17/02/2017 09:15

No. I work in a university and see many, many students with SH scars, which I really hope they're not ashamed of. My DSis and DH both have them and don't cover them up.

FatCatFaces · 17/02/2017 09:19

Notice - yes. Judge - no.

If they were new I'd obviously be concerned.

If they're old, faded and you are willingly displaying your arms, I'd assume you were doing fine. As a stranger I wouldn't say a word (but lots of people are rude dicks). If we became friends, maybe it would be mentioned at some point.

For any random person rude enough to ask i'd probably tell them I was raised in a bramble bush and ask where they learnt their manners... Although the truth would probably make them more uncomfortable.

kel1234 · 17/02/2017 09:24

I wouldn't judge. I know so many people who have been there.

PigletWasPoohsFriend · 17/02/2017 09:25

I would notice but certainly wouldn't judge.

I have lots of scars through numerous surgeries which I hate showing so if I saw you I would be thinking good on you and wish I had your courage.

yeOldeTrout · 17/02/2017 09:34

Wouldn't judge. Would find it upsetting & would try to look anywhere else.

n0ne · 17/02/2017 09:34

Judging what? That you had a very difficult time in your life? That would make me think more of a person, not less. What are you worried people will think?

TheFuckitBuckit · 17/02/2017 09:38

No would never judge. Bil has SH scars right up both arms. Have known him since he was a teen (same age as me) and from what I am aware of the SH didn't start until he married his first wife. They both did it and also both were addicted to prescription drugs, but I think he was dabbling in drugs before then. No one knows the reasons behind it.

He doesn't talk about it and nobody ever questions it.