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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To ask if you'd judge someone if they had obviously self harm scars?

180 replies

ConfuzzledAboutStuff · 17/02/2017 08:39

Posting for traffic. I have namechanged.

I self harmed as a teenager and now have a mass of healed scars up both arms (as faded as they'll ever be). I haven't hurt myself in almost 5 years. I'm a coward too scared to go swimming or wear short sleeves for fear of people seeing and judging.
So that's what I'm asking. Would you judge if you saw someone with scars that were obviously from self harm?

OP posts:

Elphame · 17/02/2017 11:47

No judging here - I know a couple who have self harmed in the past and are scarred and I feel very sorry that they have experienced a life that compelled them to do it.

ILoveCheeseMoreThanYou · 17/02/2017 11:50

I wouldn't judge but I would probably find it hard not to have a nosey or over compensate with awkwardly never looking!!! Anything different is interesting and not something to be ashamed of! Embrace and feel proud for what you have over come x

Ouriana · 17/02/2017 11:51

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

JuneBuggy · 17/02/2017 11:58

I wouldn't judge you. My DSis has a lot of self harm scars all up her arms. She survived a shitty time which is a huge testament to her strength. So did you, which is a huge testament to yours.

loveliesbleeding1 · 17/02/2017 12:00

No,absolutely not.

mygorgeousmilo · 17/02/2017 12:03

I have quite a few friends with self-harm scars, I genuinely wouldn't judge.

JustAnotherPoster00 · 17/02/2017 12:07

Yes I would judge you, I would judge you as someone who has had to struggle to get where you are and even though you have scars you came through it and that its a testament to your strength of character to get where you are today, so yes Id judge you as an amazing person.

HTH

chromeswitch · 17/02/2017 12:08

I have tons of self harm scars all the way up my arms and on my wrists from suicide attempts. Sadly, although most people on this thread have been lovely, ime certain people do notice and judge if I wear short sleeves. It's affected my employment, friendships and relationships. I know I'm better off not knowing those kind of people, but it has an impact (e.g. some friends have children who were my dd's friends, we weren't invited over again after they saw them although they never said anything directly). I feel a lot of pride in having overcome the worst of my mental illness (although not fully recovered) and I do see it as a strength, but I'm very aware that not everyone is going to be positive about it. Self harm is a lot more common these days so I think the stigma is fading, but at the same time there's a lot of negativity around it by people who view it as attention-seeking.

Anyway, these days I tend to wear long sleeves - I'm the kind of person who feels the cold easily so it's not too much of a problem. I have been swimming and sometimes I'll wear a rash vest or sometimes just a normal swimsuit - I feel that if I'm moving my arms or keeping them under the water then people aren't going to see anyway.

manicinsomniac · 17/02/2017 12:11

I would notice and make assumptions. Not necessarily judge.

In the situation that you want to show your scars, I think it's fine.

But I do think they're something to be careful about. My upper arms and thighs are covered in scars from a self harm habit that lasted from the age of 10 to about 26/27. I'm a dancer/actress and performing arts teacher so finding ways to hide them is difficult and not always possible.

But I would never put myself in a situation where children of the 'wrong' age (I'd say 7 - 14) will see them. To me that is completely irresponsible and unacceptable. I don't think they're something to be proud of or something that shows that I'm strong at all. They're just the remains of a very unhealthy coping mechanism that shouldn't be romanticised or even accepted by impressionable young people.

So, I don't know, I'm on the fence. In an adult, social situation - go for it. In a professional situation - no. In a social situation where children might be around - depends and be cautious.

MrsNuckyThompson · 17/02/2017 12:27

There is a girl at my work with very noticeable self harm marks on her arms. She is great at her job and a lovely person.

So I guess I noticed, felt sorry for her and what I assumed was a difficult childhood/ past, shrugged my shoulders and thought not too much more about it.

I guess I did make assumptions about what might have happened to her (e.g. She is openly gay and married to a woman so i speculated to myself that maybe she'd struggled with her sexuality growing up or something) but I'd say not in a negative way. It's one of those things where once you've seen you can't unsee and I guess it is human nature to wonder...

noeffingidea · 17/02/2017 13:27

Wouldn't judge at all, why would I? Everyone has their issues, it doesn't make us a lesser person in any way.
Please feel free to go swimming, I go as often as I can. I love it and feel absolutely fantastic afterwards.

birdsdestiny · 17/02/2017 13:32

I wouldnt judge in the slightest. And I think I am quite a judgy person.

Llamacorn · 17/02/2017 13:45

I have horrible self harm scars all over my body, and I do worry I get judged.
How lovely it is to see so many replies of support though.
To the poster saying you wouldn't want someone working with your kids because of self harm scars, this is something that gets to me a lot. I gave up a career working with children because of my scars, and I feel most ashamed I guess when I'm around other mums as I worry they think I'm not a good mum, or shouldn't be around their kids. I can understand the concern but I think most of it is unreasonable, and lacks an understanding.
My scars are very noticeable and people have commented on many an occasion, never rude though, genuine concern or interest. I find kids ask the most bluntly and depending on their age I either tell them I fell in a tigers cage or I had a really mean cat growing up.

roseteapot101 · 17/02/2017 13:47

same boat ,you do know you can get full cover up swimwear now if you feel uncomfortable showing your body .

www.amazon.co.uk/d/Womens-Swimwear/Length-Modesty-Swimwear-Swimming-NavyCalico/B01EMA03X2/ref=sr_1_2?ie=UTF8&qid=1487339002&sr=8-2&keywords=Full%2BLength%2BSwimwear&th=1&psc=1&tag=mumsnetforum-21

DesignedForLife · 17/02/2017 14:06

I'm covered in SI scars and I don't hide them away anymore. I don't care what people think, and most people either don't notice or care.

Interestingly the only people I've ever had ask about them were from other cultures (African or Asian), and they looked utterly confused by it and bewildered by it, though not judgemental.

Whathaveilost · 17/02/2017 14:10

Judging would be the wrong word but if they were highly visible and noticeable i would understand that you had been through some bad times. The fact that you were out swimming would make me think you may be in a better place now

That's if i had time to notice and think. I'm bothered about people judging ME for allowing myself to get fat when I used to be slim to be concerned about anyone else!

user1483981877 · 17/02/2017 14:18

I would notice, I would perhaps wonder at what you had been through, but I would not judge. I have a skin condition that is visible and it stops me from swimming so I tentatively ask if I would be judged for that too? I wish we could drop all judgement.

Worriedwombat2015 · 17/02/2017 14:19

I also have SH scars, I wouldn't judge you at all, like Pp have said, you've come through the other side of an awful time.

Personally, I am extremely self conscious about mine, they are about 15 years old and as faded as they'll ever be I suppose. They probably aren't that bad, and I notice them more because I know they are there iyswim?

I do worry now as a parent the other parents may notice and mentally label me as unstable or something like that and not want their DC to be around mine. Or not trust that I'm capable of looking after their DC if they came for a playdate.

SherlockPotter · 17/02/2017 14:29

Definitely don't judge here! It tells me they've had a bad time and felt the need to release their pain. I have sympathy for them, as well as thinking how strong they are!

exWifebeginsat40 · 17/02/2017 14:30

i'm worried about this summer as i live with my partner now and his teenage son and girlfriend aren't familiar with that side of things.

my DD knows i have struggled with my mental health. she knows i have scars. but i also have fresh wounds as i'm in a bad place currently. i hide those from her.

there are family members that i wouldn't be comfortable around with scars on show. i mean, everyone knows what a fuckup i am but i don't need to get into details.

i would not judge anyone with scars, of any kind. accidental or as a coping mechanism, scars are the marks we wear as a badge of survival.

for me, for now, it's better than the alternative. so, no judging from me.

and as for someone not wanting a scarred person around their children? i would cordially invite them to go fuck themselves.

Mintychoc1 · 17/02/2017 14:42

What exactly do you mean by "judge"?

PickAChew · 17/02/2017 14:51

Heck, no

Drinkstoomuchjuice · 17/02/2017 14:51

I would want to hug you tbh, but wouldn't as I would embarrass you! All my scars are on my feet and stomach, as I had to have my legs and arms on show when I was harming. So many people have been through this; far more than anyone realises. Sending hugs and love xxx

LalaLeona · 17/02/2017 15:01

Haven't time to read whole thread but if you feel self conscious have you tried using vichy derma blend scar make up? I use it on an old scar from an injury. It's not perfect but it really helps as it's very thick.

ReasonablyIntelligent · 17/02/2017 15:11

I'm covered in obvious self harm scars. I've trained myself not to notice or care. And I care a LOT about what other people think. A lot.
Focus on not caring about them yourself and the rest will come. It is hard but it is possible.

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