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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask if you'd judge someone if they had obviously self harm scars?

180 replies

ConfuzzledAboutStuff · 17/02/2017 08:39

Posting for traffic. I have namechanged.

I self harmed as a teenager and now have a mass of healed scars up both arms (as faded as they'll ever be). I haven't hurt myself in almost 5 years. I'm a coward too scared to go swimming or wear short sleeves for fear of people seeing and judging.
So that's what I'm asking. Would you judge if you saw someone with scars that were obviously from self harm?

OP posts:
tigersinthedark · 17/02/2017 10:55

Judge, yes I would. However the only way I would judge you is to think that youre brave and have balls of steel for surviving what you have. I would never judge you negatively

Without being flippant about it, it takes one to know one. However unless you saw me showing my legs you wouldnt notice. Random bruises on my hands/arms can be explained by tripping over the stairgate/cat/kids e.t.c

The only person who ever questioned me ended up with my 'define self harm' conversation. There is more to self harm than cutting

If the scars really do bother you, you can get camoflague cream to cover them up, however theres a knack to applying it.

StarryIllusion · 17/02/2017 10:56

No. I would notice and recognise them but would not judge.

MidniteScribbler · 17/02/2017 10:57

I would probably notice, but I wouldn't say anything and I wouldn't judge. It's not my business and doesn't affect my life, so it's not something that I would need to make any comment about.

NovaArt3mis · 17/02/2017 11:00

Another one here with obvious scars on one arm.
I decided to stop intentionally covering them about 3.5 years ago and I actually think about them a lot less now that I don't need to buy long sleeved tops all the time. No one has ever asked me about them.

SeaEagleFeather · 17/02/2017 11:01

In truth, many people won't judge but some will. Some people won't even notice them at all.

I guarentee you that kinder, more decent people may notice but won't think much of it, except that life was tough for you and is now better, specially because the scars are now white, therefore long-ish ago.

The subtext is that whatever happened in the past, right now you are looking after yourself by exercising, and enjoying yourself.

BabychamSocialist · 17/02/2017 11:01

First of all - well done OP for being 5 years of self-harming. It takes a lot of work but you're clearly doing brilliantly.

Second - don't worry about it. Some people might judge it but, to put it politely, fuck them. I'm full of scars from surgery I had to have on my arms and wrists when I was a teenager - they look like self harm scars if you didn't know. Personally, I don't really care. They're a part of me and they always will be. I've never hidden them and I don't see why I should. I've also got a scar on my stomach area from having my appendix out and a scar from having a kidney removed. Honestly, it's just one of those things.

sadandanxious · 17/02/2017 11:05

I have self harmed on and off for the last 7 years. I have a tonne of scars going up my one arm. I started a new job at the beginning of last year and decided I didn't care any more. I've worn short sleeves since the start and only one person has ever commented, albeit rudely but still nobody else batted their eyelids. I don't think most people judge or even think too much about it tbh, especially if it comes across that you're not particularly bothered.

I certainly don't judge if I've seen people with self harm scars. I'm curious but only because Ive been there and I'm certainly not judgemental about it.

piginboots · 17/02/2017 11:05

No. My brother has them. He used to cover them but doesn't bother anymore I don't think.

My brother is fairly "normal" (although abnormally annoying Hmm) just went through a tough time when younger, so I wouldn't assume other former self harmers were any different.

piginboots · 17/02/2017 11:05

No. My brother has them. He used to cover them but doesn't bother anymore I don't think.

My brother is fairly "normal" (although abnormally annoying Hmm) just went through a tough time when younger, so I wouldn't assume other former self harmers were any different.

2rebecca · 17/02/2017 11:06

I wouldn't judge a stranger as I don't really care what random people in a pub or swimming pool look like. I would be wary of getting in to a relationship with someone who had done a lot of self harming as it can be a sign of a personality disorder and a low threshold for coping with stress.
I wouldn't not get in a relationship with someone who had repeatedly self harmed but I would take things very slowly and want to be sure they now had good stress management strategies and better self esteem.

user1483387154 · 17/02/2017 11:08

No I wouldnt judge, but then my ExH was a self harmer (nothing to do with why we split up) I would think that you have probably been through some very traumatic times and would hope that things are better for you now.

ImYourMama · 17/02/2017 11:11

I wouldn't want you working with children if I'm being completely honest

watchoutformybutt · 17/02/2017 11:12

I'm not attempting to derail this at all but as there's a lot of people here in the same boat, can I ask how you explain to your children? I have a lot of scars on my upper arms, they'll never disappear and I worry about how to explain if and when my kids ask me. If I'm honest I'm worried they'll see it as a coping mechanism for them to use too and I don't know if a strange excuse will cut it as they're quite obviously just straight scars and non accidental. It plays on my mind a lot.

CondensedMilkSarnies · 17/02/2017 11:15

ImYourMama why ever not ??

Olympiathequeen · 17/02/2017 11:17

I wouldn't judge them negatively but would feel deep sympathy for the terrible times the person had gone through.

I saw a to program recently where a doctor had self harm scars she was self conscious of. They brought in a specialist make up artist who showed her how to use special make up to hide them. It was waterproof so swimming was ok. Maybe you could google it?

Ouriana · 17/02/2017 11:19

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

PigletWasPoohsFriend · 17/02/2017 11:21

I wouldn't want you working with children if I'm being completely honest

How ridiculous can you get Hmm

watchoutformybutt · 17/02/2017 11:21

Thank you Ouriana, that's really helpful. It sounds like it was a positive learning experience for your kids too.

CaraAspen · 17/02/2017 11:21

Nope.

Tippytappytoes · 17/02/2017 11:21

No. If I judge people (and I rarely judge), it's generally on how they treat other people.

The80sweregreat · 17/02/2017 11:24

i wouldnt judge at all, i doubt i would even notice.
If i did, i would just hope you were over your bad times and things were a bit better now, or it was surgery scars if i;m honest.

guinnessgirl · 17/02/2017 11:28

I would notice and would be quietly impressed and proud that you were recovered/healthy enough to bare them. I'd also feel solidarity Flowers

madein1995 · 17/02/2017 11:32

I might notice (tbh I'm nosy so just as likely to notice someone's pretty skirt or curly hair) but I would never judge. I always think, I don't know that person or what they've gone through so I've no right to judge them, and even if I did know or had been through what they had, I STILL couldn't judge because we are all different and act differently. The only people I judge are bullies, judgemental people and aggressive/violent people. In terms of scars/other noticeable characterists I wouldn’t think anything of it, and I certainly wouldn’t judge you for it. We’ve all got a past, or secrets, or whatever, none of us are perfect so we have NO right to judge.

I can't believe someone actually said they wouldn’t want someone with scars working with children! Luckily you’re not a boss in a role involving working with children (I sincerely hope anyone, I’d like to think someone working with children and families would have a bit of empathy and understanding!) Ok, I have a scar from a knee operation on my leg and used to work in a nursery where in summer we could wear cut off trousers/long shorts. My scar was quite long and visible. Would you have thought I shouldn’t? Or is it only self harm scars that meet your disapproval?

LoveDeathPrizes · 17/02/2017 11:32

Would notice, would know, would never judge.

BeachyKeen · 17/02/2017 11:37

Notice yes, as a former self harmer and someone who's dd has struggled mightily with it too
Judge- no, it takes strength to keep going, I admire that

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