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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask if you'd judge someone if they had obviously self harm scars?

180 replies

ConfuzzledAboutStuff · 17/02/2017 08:39

Posting for traffic. I have namechanged.

I self harmed as a teenager and now have a mass of healed scars up both arms (as faded as they'll ever be). I haven't hurt myself in almost 5 years. I'm a coward too scared to go swimming or wear short sleeves for fear of people seeing and judging.
So that's what I'm asking. Would you judge if you saw someone with scars that were obviously from self harm?

OP posts:
ReasonablyIntelligent · 17/02/2017 15:15

Here you go OP. They are a lot more obvious IRL. I've had them for just under ten years now and two people have commented on them, neither negatively.
I'm a very observant person and would notice someone noticing them IYSWIM and I rarely do.
Unless a person has direct experience of self harm (in which case they understand) they won't assume they're self inflicted.

These are the ones I can photograph whilst at work! I have some awful ones on my legs too.
I have 387 scars in total.

This is the first time I've thought about them in a long long time

To ask if you'd judge someone if they had obviously self harm scars?
To ask if you'd judge someone if they had obviously self harm scars?
Original poster
ConfuzzledAboutStuff · 17/02/2017 15:58

Thank you for all the kind responsesFlowers
I guess what I'm worried about is the comments from children/ignorant people. I don't really have a response that works. I actually looked some up on the internet and my favourite one was 'I had unprotected sex with a hedgehog'Blush

I was also worried about people thinking I was crazy/dangerous (a lot of people are misinformed about SH)
But I'm glad I'm not alone and thank you all for the supportSmileFlowers

OP posts:
redexpat · 17/02/2017 16:03

I dont think i would judge negatively. More along the lines of oh she obviously used to self harm, but is better now.

redexpat · 17/02/2017 16:05

I would say to kids that my brain got sick and made me hurt myself, but that I am better now.

Hidingtonothing · 17/02/2017 16:14

I like redex's response but doubt you will ever need to say anything, I don't think the majority of people would comment if they did notice. And no, I wouldn't judge at all Flowers

blackteasplease · 17/02/2017 16:52

No, I wouldn't judge them.

I might feel sad for them or i might admire them if they'd clearly got past a terrible time.

cazisalittlenuts · 17/02/2017 17:01

I would never judge anyone for having SH scars. I have them too, however I am 2 years in recovery, and I say recovery as I still do have the urge to relapse into self harm when things get tough.

Flowers for you op and for everyone else who has been in that place.

needanothercat · 17/02/2017 17:04

It's something I would almost definitely notice, as someone who previously SH'd 10 years+ ago but, I would never judge.
I would be jealous that you had more courage than me! I don't wear short sleeves in front of strangers or at work.
The judging I can handle but what makes me very uncomfortable are the questions.
My cardi was just above my wrist one day at work, exposing a rather large scar but one that could be explained by some other reason and my manager saw it when handing me some paperwork and said "you haven't been cutting yourself, have you" in a very sarcastic, judgemental tone almost as if that reason was more outrageous than the fake reason I came back with.
That bothers me.
You're not alone Flowers

MustBookADentistAppointment · 17/02/2017 17:13

I absolutely wouldn't judge. I might notice, but I really wouldn't think any less of you for experiencing an illness which you've undoubtedly worked really, really hard to recover from.

I think you can expect a few people to look, but if anyone judges/says anything they're being an ignorant cockwomble.

Well done for not harming for such a long time - it's not easy.

Ouriana · 17/02/2017 17:27

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Clnz4fun · 17/02/2017 17:28

I wouldn't judge you at all or anyone for that matter. If it's any comfort to you I have a massive messy surgical scar on one of my forearms and on the other side and rarely does anyone notice and I have known people for years before they have and I don't hide them in the least.

MyWhatICallNameChange · 17/02/2017 17:37

I would never say anything to someone unless they brought it up first, which would mean it would be a friend I was talking to. I'd certainly never question a stranger.

I went swimming today and I can't tell you anything about the other people that were there. I would hope most people are concentrating on what they're doing not staring at other people's bodies. xx

Ohyesiam · 17/02/2017 18:00

When I see someone who had self harming scars, I see a person who has hurt and struggled a lot. And has probably learned a lot about life in the process.

tigersinthedark · 17/02/2017 18:00

'I had a fight with a tiger' works well to pique my 7 year olds curiosity.

When they get a bit older I will explain exactly what but until then jungle animals suffice.

manicinsomniac · 17/02/2017 19:45

I would say to kids that my brain got sick and made me hurt myself, but that I am better now

I think that's a great response for your own children if that's how you want to describe it.

But to say it to other people's children (without the express permission of their parents) would be totally unacceptable. In fact I'm fairly sure I would lose my job if I said that. If anything ever does happen to mean any of the children I work with see my scars I will say that I was in an accident as a teenager. But I think it's essential to everything possible to avoid the situation coming up.

ReasonablyIntelligent - I don't think you need to worry about your arms. I might notice if I was looking very closely and would then obviously know they were self inflicted. But I think most people would miss those.

Out of interest - why do so many people think that seeing self harm scars would make them view the person as strong? I don't get the connection between self harming and strength of character at all, to be honest. I don't think mine make me particularly weak but they don't make me strong either. They mean I picked one of several possible coping mechanisms to deal with various things, both minor and major, and clearly show it wasn't the best of choices either! Grin

Mulberry72 · 17/02/2017 20:16

No, I wouldn't judge.

oleoleoleole · 17/02/2017 20:24

I wouldn't judge, I would look at that person and wonder what hell they went through and hope they had come out the other side. I would feel tremendous sympathy.

FYI my son self harmed and has scars.

Eolian · 17/02/2017 20:32

What does 'judge' mean though? Would I think you were a terrible person? God no, of course not! Would I assume you'd had MH problems and think you'd be likely to need additional support or be a bit complex etc as a friend/employee? Yes.

MommaGee · 17/02/2017 20:36

When I first left uni I pulled a really hot guy on a night out. The next day we met for coffee and he was still really hot. Both arms were full of faded self harm scars.

It made me sad he'd ever been at that point in his life but it literally didn't change a thing. It didn't work out for various reasons, but the self harm scars definitely wasn't one of them.

If I saw someone with them I'd wonder what their story was and what it had taken to cone out the other side

Keeptrudging · 17/02/2017 20:47

I'm a teacher. I have visible scars. I wear short sleeves. How dare anyone think I shouldn't work with children? What I've been through and the reason for my scars gives me more empathy for children who are going through their own shit at homes, and when I look at my scars I'm reminded of how very, very far I have come. I do say they're from a bad cycling accident if asked, keeps everyone happy. I'm not ashamed of them, I'm bloody grateful to be alive.

manicinsomniac · 17/02/2017 22:19

^^
All fine imo, except for the 'I wear short sleeves' bit. Why on earth would you? Why risk even the smallest chance of an impressionable child/teen being negatively impacted. Most scars look clearly self inflicted. It's why so few people actually ask and instead just go wide eyed and quiet. Unless you teach somewhere tropical (which I have actually done, briefly and wore light over shirts) there's no reason for short sleeves to be anything other than an active choice. I teach drama and dance and still haven't come across an unavoidable short sleeves situation.

I don't think either of us should be banned from working children, though I do know many who think it's inadvisable in my case. The vast majority of people with self harm scars had a rough year or two as a teenager and are completely mentally sound as an adult. To say they shouldn't work with children in nonsensical. But to say they should hide their scars is basic professional common sense.

JaceLancs · 17/02/2017 22:35

I wouldn't judge just feel sympathy/empathy
I have lots so self harm scars of my own - still visible although not felt the need for 35+ years
I don't cover up - if anyone was rude enough to ask I just explain what they are and leave it at that

GangstaRat · 17/02/2017 22:42

Not at all, I would think them brave for not feeling they had to cover them.

If they were fresh I might be concerned.

hibbledobble · 17/02/2017 23:22

No, no at all.

I have scars too. They are pretty faded now. Reading this thread has made me wonder if people notice. No one has said anything for a very long time.

MrsMeeseeks · 17/02/2017 23:24

No, I would not judge. Mental ill health can happen to anyone: people should not be blamed or stigmatised for it.

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