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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Inheritance AIBU

257 replies

WayfaringStranger · 16/02/2017 21:26

I am neither the mother nor the adult children but this situation is causing a shitstorm in our family. I've changed a few details to make this less identifiable. Mother has sadly been diagnosed with a terminal illness. She's in the process of sorting out her affairs. She has a few grand in savings but a property worth around £200k. She split from the children's father when they were little and they've seen neither hide nor hair of him.

There are two adult children in their late 20s. DD is married with a baby. They struggle financially, not unusual for a young couple with a child. DS is disabled (physical and mental health problems), cannot work and has never moved out of the family home.

Mother told the children of her intention to split everything down the middle. DD and her husband will be able to use her half as a deposit and get a mortgage. DS is not going to be able to afford to buy in the area. He feels he cannot move out the area because he'll lose the support from the extended family. He is terrified about moving out of the home he has lived in all his life. He worries it might make his mental health problems worse. Mother then proposed giving him lifetime tenancy. DD feels this is unfair as it ties up her inheritance. Neither sibling are particularly close but both see each other's point of view.

My gut feeling is that DS needs financial advice to ensure financial security for him. I think the house should be sold after their mother has gone. I think DD needs to agree to give her brother some time to adjust.

OP posts:
Sudocreamface · 17/02/2017 10:28

I too think the daughter should not have to take a back seat. She has a husband and a child and although struggling is doing fine. What's to say in five years the husband leaves, what is her financial stance then? Just because she can cope now doesn't mean things won't change for her in the future

SuperFlyHigh · 17/02/2017 10:29

Agreed with omni if the money gets a studio flat in a not so not part of town but near support network then that's what the DS/DB in this situation will have to go for. Unless he decides to go into sheltered housing.

Depending on the DD/DS situation she may decide to help her DB out financially in the future re housing if the studio is really too small but for now she needs to get on the property ladder too.

Chippednailvarnishing · 17/02/2017 10:31

Agree with Archery
I'd love to know just how many people advocating a granny flat with the Sister have actually taken full time responsibility for another adult with SN?

Until you have done it, you have no idea how hard it is.

JoanofNark17 · 17/02/2017 10:33

There is also the distinct possibility that the DS would not want everything at the expense of his sister, and would not want her to assume responsibility for him.

smileyhappypeople · 17/02/2017 10:33

Would it no to be best for the son to try and move sooner rather than later while he doesn't have anything... he may then be able to qualify for council housing or something?

Olympiathequeen · 17/02/2017 10:38

Similar position here. Ds1 is physically disabled and could never lead an independent life. DS2 is developing normally.

The gps have favoured the ds1 in their will for the simple reason that his need is greater.

Perhaps this mother could realease 50k equity in the house and the repayment would be paid for from the benefits the DS would receive over his lifetime?

I see it as a case of need rather than equality. Yes the DD is struggling financially but she has a husband and will eventually go back to work like most married women, and most couple struggle financially in the early years.

The DS is very vulnerable to exploitation so giving him a lifetime tenancy isn't a bad idea. Maybe get another family member to oversee the arrangement to ensure the DS is protected.

GloriaGaynor · 17/02/2017 10:42

What a shitty post

What you mean is it puts you in a shitty light and you don't like it.

NewBallsPlease00 · 17/02/2017 10:42

We had a similar situation a few years ago.
What made a difference was actually by our disable relative having no inheritance he became eligible for housing and caring support he wasn't previously- the support in particular was far far more beneficial than owning any property of having cash which in order to pay for supper would be used up very quickly
Is that an option?
Would strongly recommend seeking advice bother legally and pastorally

JoanofNark17 · 17/02/2017 10:44

What you mean is it puts you in a shitty light and you don't like it

It doesn't put me in any light as it doesn't reflect anything I said.

Makes you look like an awful tit though.

GloriaGaynor · 17/02/2017 10:45

A measly £100000, if it is so measly then throw a measly few grand in my direction it would be most appreciated

Clearly, so appreciated that you'd apparently be quite happy to screw over a disabled person to get it.

HerOtherHalf · 17/02/2017 10:46

I feel sorry for the mother. Where is the concern for her? She's coming to terms with being diagnosed with a terminal illness - she shouldn't have to cope with a "shit storm" over her money as well. She should tell them all to fuck off and they'll find out what she's decided when they get to see the will after she's gone.

Chippednailvarnishing · 17/02/2017 10:47

Except by doing that Her plans wouldn't be made for the brother.

HerOtherHalf · 17/02/2017 10:51

Except by doing that Her plans wouldn't be made for the brother.

Yes they would, by her as she sees fit, and not having to deal with a bunch of squawking vultures.

Somerville · 17/02/2017 10:54

I feel sorry for the mother, too. The devastation that terminally ill people feel about the future for their dependants without them is very hard to witness. Hence, I'm sure, why OP is helping so much.

I still think more specialist advice is what this family need. Hopefully it will set the mother's mind at rest a little bit.

GloriaGaynor · 17/02/2017 10:58

It does Joan. You said:

If he gets a lifetime tenancy but its owned between him and his sister, what might happen is that she ends up with all of the responsibility and none of the benefit, which makes it all even less fair.

Here you have conflated monetary and ethical fairness, you apparently don't see the difference.

You seem think it's not fair vulnerable person's needs would be taken care of.

I totally agree with Olympiathequeen who said:

I see it as a case of need rather than equality

Or to put it another way - the needs are unequal.

MalletsMallets · 17/02/2017 10:58

I can't help thinking the DD probably will step up and isn't 'selfish' at all, but she will be much better placed to provide that support if she can afford to live near her brother, rather then with the uncertainty of renting with the potential to be priced out of the area. Id also imagine if she was clever with the money it would take slightly less financial stress off her meaning she was able to care better for her sibling.
Newballs your post looks harsh, but actually i see where your coming from. With care bills huge (unfortunately i have too much experience with that) the inheritance would quickly deplete and then what? He's not going to be set for life - even inheriting the lot, so it needs to be a long term sustainable plan.

GloriaGaynor · 17/02/2017 11:00

Very good points HerOtherHalf I entirely agree.

FriedSprout · 17/02/2017 11:02

Is the mother divorced? - otherwise the husband may have a claim too

HerOtherHalf · 17/02/2017 11:04

The devastation that terminally ill people feel about the future for their dependants without them is very hard to witness.

Of course it is and I see what you're trying to do. However, the OP did not describe a family working together with care and compassion to come up with a plan. They described it as a "shitstorm".

Hence, I'm sure, why OP is helping so much.

How are you sure the OP is helping and not adding turd to the shitstorm, whether she means to or not?

Chippednailvarnishing · 17/02/2017 11:05

Yes they would, by her as she sees fit, and not having to deal with a bunch of squawking vultures

And the brother just finds out afterwards?

olderthanyouthink · 17/02/2017 11:11

I agree with mallets. If DDs circumstances get worse and she can afford to live near by (and loads of people always say move away from SE If you can't afford it) then she will have to either leave her brother miles away so can't be of much practical help or he has to move as well to not only an unfamiliar flat but a whole new area.

100k is a life changing amount, you could got from the insecurity of renting to owning a home and knowing where you would be living in a few years time but it's not enough to set someone up for life

Puzzledandpissedoff · 17/02/2017 11:16

I'm supporting the whole family but obviously, it's very fraught and they are in shock and I'm trying not to push too hard

This reminds me of another point, which is that it might be worth encouraging them to make whatever provision they decide on sooner rather than later

While there's naturally going to be a lot of stress around a move - or indeed any type of change - it seems to me the whole thing could be so much worse when coping with a death in the family as well

Let's face it, we could all fall under a bus tomorrow, which is why it's often important to get these things in place before a time of real crisis

Floralnomad · 17/02/2017 11:16

newballsplease , that may have worked for your family but there is no way I'm throwing my child's future into the hands of SS or the benefit system in a country where things are constantly getting tighter and vulnerable people are not well provided for .

Somerville · 17/02/2017 11:19

HerOtherHalf

OP has described a family who to this point have stuck their head in the sand over what will happen with the disabled son's care when his mother can't look after him any more. With her terminal diagnosis this is now time sensitive. Of course members of their extended family who can help research the options should get involved. Especially the OP, as a social worker.

When my DH heard that his cancer was terminal, the fact that family members came alongside me (to get us advice on some financial affairs, create memory books for our children, and all sorts of big and small things that I'd didn't have the time or emotional capacity for) made him feel slightly less distraught about the fact that he was leaving us. Because it showed him that other people cared and would help with advice and support. Seeing this for her children (and especially her dependant son) will mean a lot to the mother, even aside from the actual advice - which she sorely needs.

About it being a "shitstorm"...
Well yes, it often is after there is a terminal diagnosis. Even where there aren't dependants, emotions are heightened and there is pain to experience or witness. With a disabled dependant in the mix as well this is an incredibly tough time for the family and I'm glad their extended family are seeking advice for them and not leaving them to it.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 17/02/2017 11:20

Reading my last post back, I'm worried that it might have sounded insensitive - forgive me if so, as that honestly wasn't the intention

I do fully understand that the family are upset already, but what I was trying to put across (no doubt clumsily) is that it could all be so much worse to deal with during a time of bereavement

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