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AIBU?

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Original poster

To have snapped at 'date'?

343 replies

Karceys · 16/02/2017 10:15

So 3rd date on Tuesday.

First date was fine. Second date there was a couple of niggles but I gave him the benefit of the doubt.

Third date - Tuesday I snapped at him and not sure whether I should feel guilty or not!

First thing was we were in the cinema and after sorting tickets out I told him I was popping across to the snacks counter as I fancied popcorn and a coke. He then acted shocked and said "popcorn AND coke? Should be one or the other greedy guts!" and smiled. 😳 So I said "umm no, I want both, sorry!" And went off to but what I wanted but I was livid. How patronising!! He then came across and said "I'm surprised you're getting both, they cost a fortune!" So I said "yes but I can afford it. It's not like I do it every night is it!" So he said "well i wouldn't spend so much on sweets, you have to think of your health too ... " 😲😲😲 I replied that my health was fine and I don't need monitoring thanks - he apologised and said he meant nothing by it so I said "well you're coming across a little rude and bossy." He apologised again and I told him it was fine and we went on to see the film.

Afterwards we went for a drink. During chat I mentioned that I love Whitby so he said "well, play your cards right and I might take you there in summer!". By this point I was already on a hair trigger so (and this is where I feel a bit guilty!) I laughed and said "I don't need to play my cards right with anyone! If I want to go somewhere I'll go!". He then made a "oooo!" And laughed.

I then told him that he'd come across as being rather controlling and bossy all evening and if he was looking for someone who would obey he was looking at the wrong person. He said it wasn't like that at all and I'd been taking him the wrong way all night.

He sent a text saying we'd obviously suffered crossed wires all night and he was genuinely sorry if he'd caused offence.

I AM very hormonal at the moment and probably find offence in a bloody Disney film so was I put of order?? Do I owe HIM an apology?

OP posts:
Cherryskypie · 16/02/2017 12:40

It could be that he had a terrible experience as a child when he was chased around a cinema by a man dressed as a giant tub of popcorn and he still carries the emotional scars.

Ordinarily · 16/02/2017 12:40

And apologising is one thing but a permanent change of behaviour? Very unlikely, because it stems from how he thinks it's OK to treat women and what he thinks of them. Any changes without a lot of genuine thought behind them will only be on the surface.

UnexplainedOnHerCollar · 16/02/2017 12:40

His misogyny and the internalised misogyny here is really saddening.

I totally agree with this. Men who put women down are most successful when they do it in a subtle, sustained way that can be framed as "just being kind" when you object. OP was left to come on here and wonder if she was being a hormonal cowbag for taking exception to it – because that's how it works. She wasn't.

Actually the content of his whitby statement was "do as you're told and you might get a reward, little woman, because I'm in control of where we go, even though we're not actually together yet and might never be, and I hold the power."

It negates that: she can go where she likes, she can decide whether to be with him, she can afford her own trip to whitby, she owes him nothing.

That negation is designed to put her in her place. I'm not saying it's all necessarily conscious and deliberately planned; it's probably just how he sees women and therefore how he talks to them.

Women who can't see what's going on here (and I was one of them) are the women who stick with men like this and end up stuck in a cycle of trying to please them and being the victim of controlling behaviour or worse. That's NOT to say those women are to blame, but we can become better at spotting this.

DaveTheDesigner · 16/02/2017 12:42

He might not be the most tactful guy on the planet but for only a 3rd date you do sound like you were either having a bad day or just plain hard work. He apologised. You should do the same if you're still interested in him. In his shoes I'd have taken your behaviour as a an early warning of things to come and moved on.

UnexplainedOnHerCollar · 16/02/2017 12:44

All too often when a woman is described as "hard work" that just means she doesn't take crap lying down.

Of course anyone can be genuinely hard work, and plenty of people are. In this scenario it sounds like him.

abbrev · 16/02/2017 12:44

"Actually the content of his whitby statement was "do as you're told and you might get a reward, little woman, because I'm in control of where we go, even though we're not actually together yet and might never be, and I hold the power.""

How much 'feminist literature' do you need to read to leap to a conclusion like that?

YorkieDorkie · 16/02/2017 12:45

Well I must be hard work because I was itching with this one! YANBU OP he sounded so irritating.
*
If you play your cards right...*

Fuck off!!! Grin

AristotlesTrousers · 16/02/2017 12:46

I think he sounds really annoying OP. Little things like that add up. If I were feeling generous I might just give him one last chance on the off-chance I was having a bad day, but tbh, I think these little things are significant things about his character that don't look good. I think you wouldn't be unreasonable to ditch him now.

Bear2014 · 16/02/2017 12:46

abbrev you need to read no feminist literature at all to reach that conclusion. It's exactly what is meant by a statement like that.

OrigamiOverload · 16/02/2017 12:47

If you're hormonal then I am too - I am irritated by his comments too! Policing what someone eats or drinks is very poor behaviour unless they are a parent to a child or their input has been invited. The Whitby comment could have been a pretty weak attempt at humour, or it could have been very thinly disguised misogyny. Either way you are entitled to be irritated by it.

I am impressed he apologised to you though, a misogynistic type might have taken you standing up for yourself badly, he does seem genuinely sorry. However, I would agree with others that if he is irritating you this much already it probably isn't worth it.

Cherryskypie · 16/02/2017 12:47

He might have been there when a Coca Cola truck jack-knifed on black ice one fateful morning causing it to unleash a tsunami of syrup that dissolved all the teeth in a half mile radius.

RoboticSealpup · 16/02/2017 12:47

If he's finding it so hard to be nice this early on, I wouldn't pin any hopes on him. I got a similar apology from an ex early on in our relationship, but it later turned out he'd just been letting his shitty personality shine through unintentionally. I wish I'd taken heed to the warnings.

Ordinarily · 16/02/2017 12:49

The way I see the Whitby comment is "I'm the prize, you are the contestant who must be sure to stay in line and not make a mistake".

ElderDruid · 16/02/2017 12:49

I don't even know what negging is?

ElderDruid · 16/02/2017 12:51

I think it's safe to say that OP has pretty much been validated,

Don't have another date, don't prolong communication longer than you need to. Sorted.

lottieandmia · 16/02/2017 12:51

Negging is a term for a technique men use (usually discussed on pick up artist forums) where a man tries to put a woman down to make her a bit insecure so she's easier to reel in. I've had it done to me. Usually it takes the form of backhanded compliment. It didn't work on me, I just thought 'twat'!

Oldraver · 16/02/2017 12:51

What were the second date niggles ?

YorkieDorkie · 16/02/2017 12:53

Ordinarily my thoughts exactly. "Keep in line". Not acceptable.

HandbagCrab · 16/02/2017 12:54

How is it harder work to clearly state what you mean than be someone who requires huge amounts of mental gymnastics from others to justify the stupid stuff that comes out of your mouth?

Op let him be free to date someone willing to write off being called a greedy guts by a relative stranger as nerves, awkwardness or a different sense of humour, though it would be better for all concerned if noone thought this was ok.

Morphene · 16/02/2017 12:54

YY to internalised misogyny. There is enough out there in the world that I really really don't need it from a partner too.....

1frenchfoodie · 16/02/2017 12:55

Surely the Whitby comment was intended to be funny through irony - the idea you'd have to play your cards right to get away to Whitby being ludicrous. If you'd said, I'd love to be able to go away to Necker Island one day and he'd said the same thing then then that would be misoginistic.

The food comments would have had me walking away straight away though. Even if not intended to be controlling they are incredibly ill judged and couldn't be less funny.

tricornel · 16/02/2017 12:55

I thin you are spot on! Can't believe anyone would think you were the one who is hard work by reacting to someone trying to control what you eat and drink - he sounds like hard work to me! And controlling comments on a third date - get rid!

mistermagpie · 16/02/2017 12:56

I hate it when women call each other 'hard work' just because they won't take a load of crap from men. I also agree that some responses here are a big clue as to why so many women on are married to complete morons (if the relationships board is anything to go by).

The Whitby thing, might have been clumsy flirting i suppose and I would have let that go probably. However, 'greedy guts'???? Greedy guts???!!! On a third date? Frankly if my husband spoke to me like that when I was buying treats at the cinema (with my own money) I would be raging, let alone a virtual stranger.

I can't believe the people who are saying you are being unreasonable.

thatwouldbeanecumenicalmatter · 16/02/2017 12:56

At the popcorn and coke comment I'd have eyeballed him while asking the person serving me that I'd also like the footlong hotdog and a mahoosive tub of Ben and Jerry's.

lottieandmia · 16/02/2017 12:56

It's usually done by men who feel they're dating a woman of 'higher value' (whatever that means)