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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have snapped at 'date'?

343 replies

Karceys · 16/02/2017 10:15

So 3rd date on Tuesday.

First date was fine. Second date there was a couple of niggles but I gave him the benefit of the doubt.

Third date - Tuesday I snapped at him and not sure whether I should feel guilty or not!

First thing was we were in the cinema and after sorting tickets out I told him I was popping across to the snacks counter as I fancied popcorn and a coke. He then acted shocked and said "popcorn AND coke? Should be one or the other greedy guts!" and smiled. 😳 So I said "umm no, I want both, sorry!" And went off to but what I wanted but I was livid. How patronising!! He then came across and said "I'm surprised you're getting both, they cost a fortune!" So I said "yes but I can afford it. It's not like I do it every night is it!" So he said "well i wouldn't spend so much on sweets, you have to think of your health too ... " 😲😲😲 I replied that my health was fine and I don't need monitoring thanks - he apologised and said he meant nothing by it so I said "well you're coming across a little rude and bossy." He apologised again and I told him it was fine and we went on to see the film.

Afterwards we went for a drink. During chat I mentioned that I love Whitby so he said "well, play your cards right and I might take you there in summer!". By this point I was already on a hair trigger so (and this is where I feel a bit guilty!) I laughed and said "I don't need to play my cards right with anyone! If I want to go somewhere I'll go!". He then made a "oooo!" And laughed.

I then told him that he'd come across as being rather controlling and bossy all evening and if he was looking for someone who would obey he was looking at the wrong person. He said it wasn't like that at all and I'd been taking him the wrong way all night.

He sent a text saying we'd obviously suffered crossed wires all night and he was genuinely sorry if he'd caused offence.

I AM very hormonal at the moment and probably find offence in a bloody Disney film so was I put of order?? Do I owe HIM an apology?

OP posts:
MrsDustyBusty · 16/02/2017 12:04

But do what? It is something people drink, not a shocking perversion.

PandorasAlmightyBox · 16/02/2017 12:04

I think he sounds like a right dick, I wouldn't be going on a fourth date with him.

This is why he is single, OP, because he has no idea how to treat females

It sounds to me like he has very little social skills - to be honest I would have wiped the floor with him

NotTheOriginalGreen · 16/02/2017 12:04

The Whitby comments would have had me rolling my eyes and politely declining further dates. The greedy guts comments would have had me tipping it over his head.

This is him in the early days - imagine what he'd be like a few years in when he's comfortable enough to show the true extent of his dickishness!

Im another one who finds it quite sad to see all the posters calling you hard work and him 'clumsy'. A twat is a twat but at least he showed you nice and early so you don't have to waste any more time on him.

Good work calling him in it at the time.

Alaia5 · 16/02/2017 12:05

But commenting about other people's snacks is rude, I agree. He sounds a bit uptight.

PageStillNotFound404 · 16/02/2017 12:07

Definitely NBU and not "hard work" either. Looks like the 2nd date niggles were well-founded.

Happyfeet1972 · 16/02/2017 12:09

I think the Whitby thing, you probably were being a bit unreasonable - it's just a turn of phrase he probably didn't mean anything by it.

But the popcorn thing - yanbu, how dare he try and stop you having popcorn! Yes it's a rip off, we all know that, but you don't say that on a date, I don't even get how it is greedy - one is a drink? How is a drink greedy? You don't sound well suited tbh, if he's annoying you on date 3, run now - and eat as much popcorn as you like in Whitby.

IfNotNowThenWhenever · 16/02/2017 12:10

Even if hes not controlling and just has a shit sense of humour, I couldn't be attracted to a man that was parsimonious about food.
I think I went to the pictures on a 3rd or 4th date and while I was in the loo he went off to get popcorn and cokes for both of us (which resulted in a Mrs Doyle style struggle over who was paying Grin).
That's normal. Being out, having fun, eating what you like.
Your instincts are spot on OP, and I find it sad that some women are so quick to try and find a reason why he did nothing wrong.
Also, BOAK at "cheat day". FFS.

mmgirish · 16/02/2017 12:11

If someone is annoying you this much after 3 dates then it's probably time to draw a line under it and move on.

I would have been irritated by those comments too actually.

IfNotNowThenWhenever · 16/02/2017 12:12

I drink straight coke (with ice)!!
Hardcore, me.

anxious2017 · 16/02/2017 12:14

Can't think of any adults that would drink straight Coke? Erm, I know plenty, who drink it because they...like it? Not everyone is obsessed with alcohol. DH is late 30s and drinks Coke because it's his favourite drink. I don't think I've ever come across someone who associates a drink with an age before (other than alcohol).

seafoodeatit · 16/02/2017 12:17

I'm hormonal and pregnant so not the most level headed ever right now but I would be pissed off too! I hate people that make pissy comments about the choices other people make and try to pass it off as a joke, chalk it up to being different and not go on another date.

RubbishMantra · 16/02/2017 12:19

Reading his comments second hand in your OP made me feel irritated. Criticising your food and drink intake? Then telling you to "Play your cards right"? Like he was a prize you had to win? Deeply unattractive.

No for him!

onesizefitsonesize · 16/02/2017 12:22

For me the Whitby comment was the worst. "play your cards right' What?? Is she to be some ingratiating little woman, and "I might take you there this summer" WTAF? again, it wont be up to him whether or not or with whom she goes. It's not up to some guy to be placated and sucked up to. This guy has some serious issues with women is my guess. To the kerb, and don't look back at the jerk, OP.

UnexplainedOnHerCollar · 16/02/2017 12:23

Oooooh "well, play your cards right and I might take you there in summer!" Angry I'd have HATED that. Soooo superior and patronisiung, like it's just a given that he's going to be in your life in summer, he'll get to "take" you places instead of discussing it with you, and you have to oplease him to win that honour. FSS. I'd have snapped too.

A friend had a boyfriend who was always saying "play your cards right and I might propose to you this year" Hmm

You guessed it, he turned out to be a controlling, EA twat who took a great deal of extricating herself from.

DTMFA and next!

Thecontentedcat · 16/02/2017 12:23

He sounds like an idiot, I wouldn't bother seeing him again in your shoes

UnexplainedOnHerCollar · 16/02/2017 12:25

And bonus points to you, OP if you can ditch him with a text that contains the phrase "Brucie Bonus" :o

Cherrysoup · 16/02/2017 12:28

sDusty - To be fair, I actually can't think of any adults I know who would drink straight coke (but then I am 40). People only drink it if there really is absolutely nothing else (e.g. at a vending machine) in high temperatures, or, more commonly, in a small amount as a mixer with run or whiskey.

I don't know what world you live in, but it's the standard order when I'm not drinking. That's a really odd thing to say.

Has he messaged you back, OP? I would have reacted poorly to anyone commenting on my choices at the cinema. Who the fuck does he think he is?! And play your cards right? I'd have laughed and waved goodbye. Asshole.

Magicpaintbrush · 16/02/2017 12:31

The comments about the popcorn and coke were unnecessary and rude, although I don't think he probably meant to be rude, but that would have really annoyed me too - you are a grown adult, you don't need somebody (who you hardly know) policing what you eat and making you feel like you're being greedy - popcorn and cola at the cinema is extremely normal (and you can't eat popcorn without a drink, it's too dry). So, I think he really misjudged that situation and what he said was very clumsy.

However the Whitby comment I think you may have taken the wrong way - however, it sounds like he was already getting on your nerves so you may have been more likely to snap after the whole popcorn and cola fiasco.

If it makes you feel any better I went on a date once where the bloke turned out to be one of those know-it-all types and he commented that he could tell I wasn't a natural blonde by the colour of my eyebrows - which I was quite offended by, as it sounded like an insult. So I told him that if he was hoping for a second date then pointing out my flaws was not the way to go about it, after which he looked suitably abashed. I turned him down for the second date. Some blokes have no filter between brain and mouth.

Lilacpink40 · 16/02/2017 12:32

OP please let us the majority on here who think he's controlling know if you've ended it?

UnexplainedOnHerCollar · 16/02/2017 12:33

I don't drink coke normally, but I'd have it as a treat in a cafe, at the cinema, at the beach etc. Normal. And popcorn isn't that unhealthy anyway, it's not "sweets". But that's not even the point, you don't call your date "greedy-guts"! It's basically negging, whether he's doing it deliberately or not. Speaking to you in a way that makes you feel inadequate and like you have to justify yourself, suck up to him and do what he says, then feel relieved and pleased when he throws you a crumb of approval. The sign of a shit, disrespectful, nasty man who will use his partner to gain a sense of power and control. Spotting these twats at this early stage is what we all need to learn to do and can save so much trouble in the future.

jcne · 16/02/2017 12:33

no. if he's already winding you up just walk away. third date? no. don't let your hormones get the blame.

Peanutandphoenix · 16/02/2017 12:34

The comments about the popcorn and the coke would've annoyed me too and upset me so yanbu there and the comment about Whitby he was trying to be nice and suggesting a holiday for you both so yabu a bit with what you said in responce. Think you should maybe apologies for what you said about Whitby but don't apologies for the way you reacted to his popcorn and coke comments.

SansComic · 16/02/2017 12:34

You were unreasonable. Very hard work.

The two of you aren't suited but that's just one of those things.

His misogyny and the internalised misogyny here is really saddening.

Confused
salsmum · 16/02/2017 12:35

I think we need to know a little about the first 2 dates...could be he's just really nervous and didn't know what to or how to say stuff but if he apologised at least that means he recognises that he may have come over a bit bossy but maybe you need to just lighten up a bit too.

Ordinarily · 16/02/2017 12:38

YANBU. I used to go out with someone who had that so-called sense of humour. The cutting remarks really got me down in the end. It was controlling behaviour, constant put-downs disguised as "only a joke". Trust your instincts OP and don't give him any more of your time.