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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU in thinking this is not racist?

549 replies

KungFuPandaWorksOut16 · 14/02/2017 14:02

At a baby group, and one of the mothers starts commenting on a father who is there, mentioning how she wouldn't say no etc. Then asked what we think
One friend turned round and said no he isn't my cup of tea.
Original lady asked why
She responded she normally prefers white men, not black men.
Original lady tells her she should be disgusted in herself and having a view like that is highly racist. She then asked me do I agree if she was racist in what she said.

I told her I wouldn't view this as racist, just personal preference.
Is this actually racist? Or is original lady just being a bit over the top.

OP posts:
fakenamefornow · 14/02/2017 17:28

If this does make me prestigious what am I supposed to do about it?

Just reread, obviously don't mean prestigious. Predictive text :)

StarsAndStripes17 · 14/02/2017 17:30

Am I homophobic because I don't fancy women?

Am I ageist because I wouldn't date a 65 year old?

We need to be careful that we don't start to class everything as "racist" as it does a real disservice to genuine complaints of racism.

Excellent points. Nobody can have a comeback to that unless they are really clutching at straws.

Perfectlypurple · 14/02/2017 17:31

I don't think think it is racist as she isn't saying I don't date black men because they are...... it is just what she finds attractive.

I don't find blond men attractive, never have and doubt I ever will. I doesn't mean I think blond men are inferior, it's just my preference. I prefer dark hair or no hair, although strangely considering I don't like blondes I actually find grey hair in the right person attractive.

Plenty of times on here people have said they don't want to date a short man or some reason other than race. Again this is personal preference. Just because the lady in the op prefers white men it doesn't mean she is racist.

She might be of course, but based on the op, she just prefers white men.

Fighterofthenightman · 14/02/2017 17:32

I think the suggestion that some white women are not attracted to black men due to centuries of ingrained racism and division an interesting one because the suggestion that some black men are attracted to white women for the same reason (and this is suggested in a widespread way in some circles) is so offensive.

Andrewofgg · 14/02/2017 17:40

Sex is not an equal opportunities exercise, we don't need to give everyone a go regardless of any protected characteristic!

I wish I had put it as neatly as that.

Italiangreyhound · 14/02/2017 17:51

WasabiNell I don't think you are weird not to have a type. My boyfriends have included Asian, carrobean, white and a Jewish red head. But actually most were slim, slightly geaky and not generally at all muscles/tall types.

I think in reality many of us could have a fabulous relationship with almost any kind of guy if we got on, but t strikes me the conversation was not about making a life with someone simply would you shag them! And on that area I do think people have more potential stereotypes. And also this was a hypothetical situation conversation son on one sense you've only really hot impressions to go on, not reality!

Would it be racist Dr a black ensnared to say she only fancied black men? Or white men? Or Jewish me ?

However, I do agree white western views on attractiveness can prevail universally in some contexts and this is very sad and wrong. Better to fight the stereotypes of race generally than Fernando persuade one white woman to fancy one black man!

stopfuckingshoutingatme · 14/02/2017 17:53

Sex is not an equal opportunities exercise, we don't need to give everyone a go regardless of any protected characteristic!

yeah, and- in an ideal world people don't go round saying shit like

"I don't want to sleep with black men"
"I don't want to sleep with disabled men"
"I don't want to sleep with bald men"
"I don't want to sleep with blonde men"

the preference is course fine, its the verbalising of its that just really inappropriate.

Its not actually that fucking important or relevant , and the risk of potentially offending or hurting people is way higher that the (non existent) value of having this preference verbalised.

and if anyone mentions Idris Elba again I will actually scream

you might as well say "I don't normally fancy black men, but he is FIT"

yuk

MrsMeeseeks · 14/02/2017 17:57

It's not racist to have a preference for white men, but it is completely inappropriate to vocalise this preference in front of people. "Nah, he's not my type", would have sufficed.

NarkyMcDinkyChops · 14/02/2017 17:58

the preference is course fine, its the verbalising of its that just really inappropriate

That I don't get, its ok to think that way but not say it? That isn't how we categorise racism, in general. It either is or isn't!

PossumInAPearTree · 14/02/2017 18:04

People have a type don't they?

Every bloke I've gone out with apart from one has been Caucasian with dark hair. I've never dated a bloke with blonde hair. I've dated one Asian guy.

NinjaLeprechaun · 14/02/2017 18:14

"Its not actually that fucking important or relevant , and the risk of potentially offending or hurting people is way higher that the (non existent) value of having this preference verbalised."
When asked a direct question about why you don't (or do) find somebody attractive, as this woman apparently was, then the actual answer usually is fairly relevant.
If she goes around discussing her preference unsolicited then that's a different discussion, but I've not read anything that suggests this to be true.

And I don't find Idris Elba particularly attractive. I don't think this has anything to do with him being black.

Rugbyplayersarehot · 14/02/2017 18:14

Edris Elba Wink and I have had several black boyfriends before dh.

stop get over yourself! Everyone had s type and a turn off and it's perfectly ok to discuss that. Ffs why not.

I couldn't date or have sex with a skinny man or a humongous obese man.

stevie69 · 14/02/2017 18:21

Sex is not an equal opportunities exercise, we don't need to give everyone a go regardless of any protected characteristic!

My vote for post of the thread. Well said.

lljkk · 14/02/2017 18:24

Even if someone says "I could never imagine myself with..." that alone to me isn't racist. it's certainly no loss to someone not to go out with that single speaker. Either that or I am fattist, ageist and genderist which I know I am not.

Unacceptable discrimination would be "I can't imagine why anyone would find THAT attractive" or "Those types are just so ugly don't you agree?"

Just figuring out I don't have much of a type. Often attracted to ugly men, even (weirdo alert).

LumelaMme · 14/02/2017 18:25

the preference is course fine, its the verbalising of its that just really inappropriate.
So someone can think it, but not say it? What, not ever?
That's bloody weird.

I think it's odd and rude to be discussing the fitness or otherwise of a dad at a baby group. I get what people are saying about ingrained stereotypes, but it's not racist of the woman to say she doesn't normally find black men attractive.

BenadrylCucumberpatch · 14/02/2017 18:33

I remember reading an exchange by two people who 'met' online.

Woman: "How tall are you? Just checking, as I don't date short men".

He replied: "I'm 6ft. Can I ask how much you weigh? Just asking, as I don't date fat women"

Only one of them was seen as shallow..

stopfuckingshoutingatme · 14/02/2017 18:34

I stand alone clearly - that's fine ! I still think any MN thread titled 'to think this is not racist' invariably is !

It's more the starting of a thread that annoys me - and the 'Oooh Idris Elba' comments that make me wince a bit

booitsme · 14/02/2017 18:37

I think it's inapproptiate she asked if your friend fancied him! He was there with a child and likely to have a partner who could attend another time. If it was a room full of men discussing whether the only woman in the room was fanciable then it would feel unacceptable; so is unacceptable in this scenario.

booitsme · 14/02/2017 18:39

Stop - I agree, singling out black men that are deemed attractive enough for a shout out did make me wince too. It's along the lines of; "I'm not racist my friend is black...."

Aeroflotgirl · 14/02/2017 18:43

stopfucking wishes did not verbalise it, this woman put her on the spot, even when she told he he was not her cup of tea, she kept pushing her. The woman who started this, behaved totally inappropriately, they were at a toddler group with his kid and she was going on about how fit he was. He coukd have a partner. That wasent the time or place to be having tgat sort of conversation and to go round asking people what they think of him. Totally inappropriate and immature!

NavyandWhite · 14/02/2017 18:46

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

tabulahrasa · 14/02/2017 18:46

"I still think any MN thread titled 'to think this is not racist' invariably is !"

They usually are, but, sexual attraction is discriminatory and it's ok that it is, you're not obliged to give everyone a fair shot.

Not being attracted to a skin colour isn't racist anymore than not being attracted to blonds or not being attracted to men with hairy arms is an issue, it's just a sexual preference and people should be allowed to have them.

Not believing that any white person should be attracted to a black person or that they're universally less attractive (rather than just not to your personal preference) would be racist.

But just, not my cup of tea...it isn't.

Aeroflotgirl · 14/02/2017 18:49

C what if she was not attracted to him because he was white, bald, shot, fat, ugly. Attraction van be discriminatory.

NavyandWhite · 14/02/2017 18:51

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Perfectlypurple · 14/02/2017 18:52

MrsMeeseeks the lady did say that he wasn't her type, well she said he wasn't her cup of tea and was asked why, so she elaborated.

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