Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6 7

Original poster

because DH certainly seems to think so!

173 replies

RagamuffinAndFidget · 14/02/2017 10:43

Back story: I have been a SAHM for nearly eight years (my choice, DH agreed) and have recently started teaching fitness classes a couple of times a week. It only earns me pocket money but I love it - the company is run by a friend and the team is currently quite small as the company only launched last year.

DH works shifts (now has a flexible working agreement but until last year was often working lots of late evenings followed by early mornings followed by late evenings, etc. He was virtually never at home and often went days without really seeing our children) and has a hobby which he attends twice a week. He is actually hoping to train to teach this hobby, which I fully support, but he isn't yet getting paid for this. He has attended classes pretty much every week for 10+ years - he always made sure, even when working random shifts, that he had those evenings free, often meaning that he had to work every other evening in the week.

Lots of detail, sorry, just trying not to drip feed!

So, the AIBU: My boss is aware that DH attends said hobby and has always said she would only ever ask me to cover a class (we are expected to do this when possible, if someone else is ill or away or whatever) if it was a genuine emergency. She tries to avoid closing classes as they are very popular and with hall costs and loss of takings she can potentially lose £300+ in one night. So, last night should have been DH's night at his hobby but I was asked to cover a class because one of the other instructors is really unwell (can't climb stairs without getting short of breath and dizzy so definitely couldn't teach a class!). I asked DH and he lost the plot. He said some really hurtful things, insulted me, my boss, the rest of the team. He said he didn't see why he should do any favours for her business and that he didn't give a shit whether she lost money. He was really nasty. I went and taught the class.

This morning it is still going on. He thinks I was totally unreasonable for asking him to miss his hobby and that I'm a dick for making him let his instructor down. I think he's being quite selfish. AIBU?

OP posts:

Winemamma · 15/02/2017 18:22

YANBU. He sounds like the dick in this scenario

Clairaloulou · 15/02/2017 18:27

From what you've said it appears to me (and I may be waaaaay off the mark) that his problem could be with your boss herself? Is there any history there or anything? A lot of his insults seem aimed at her in particular.

brotherphil · 15/02/2017 18:30

By the sound of it, DH has a very stressful job, and this evening is his one night to get a break from things and relax. Yes, he is being unreasonable, but stress and depression can do that to you.
I once had a very stressful job that had me away from home all month, with 1 weekend a month which generally started with me getting shitfaced on Friday night; I am told that if anyone rang me on those nights, I was short to the point of being rude - not me at all. When I left that job, I didn't stop shaking for a week, and then had a breakdown.
I would suggest that DH might want to consider his work/ life balance, but that is up to him.

ZippyNeedsFeeding · 15/02/2017 18:32

Sounds like his pride is hurt OP. He wants to do what you have achieved- teach his chosen activity. If you continue you could end up doing it full time, how would that change things?
I feel for you especially because when I was a SAHM I was always aware that the day would come when I needed to work and earn money. I had a hobby which I have developed into a proper business and now I use it to support our family. I had to fight to get it taken seriously and it felt very hurtful to have it dismissed and treated as lesser than his work (even when I earned more than MrZippy).
Well done for all you have achieved. It sounds like there is some hard talking ahead, good luck!

IsitJustFantasy · 15/02/2017 18:35

Yanbu. He sounds incredibly selfish.

harshbuttrue1980 · 15/02/2017 18:43

Paid work is more important than a hobby in general. However, you describe your job as earning "pocket money". Are you actually putting this money into the family pot, or just keeping it to yourself?

Rabbit01 · 15/02/2017 18:50

Are you ok Ragamuffin? Worrying about you. If Venison was your hubbie, can you call a friend and get them over? Stay safe xx

RB68 · 15/02/2017 19:20

Its quite common where a husband has got used to being "looked after" byt the guilt ridden SAHM that they kick back when you start spreading your wings without really realising how selfish they are being. Sometimes you have to rejig plans at the last minute and as part of your role is to cover sickness etc then so be it the DH or partner has to step in and actually do some parenting - parenting is about sacrifice. By choosing to be a sahm you have allowed him an easy ride in my view and he is starting to realise that actually they are going to have to start stepping up more if they want to share the benefits etc. Wheterh the "pocket money" goes in the central pot or not is really irrelevant its come into the family and by spending it on whatever, the OP has saved the central pot the spend so really whether it symbollically went int he joing account or not is a bit irrelevant

Dutch1e · 15/02/2017 19:35

I just loved it so much that I kept going and have now lost almost 7 stone (gone from a 22/24 to a 12) and am teaching classes myself!

Ahhhhh, there's the real problem. You're healthy, probably looking and feeling amazing AND you're earning.

Suddenly you're threatening the status quo.

Willow2016 · 15/02/2017 21:11

harshbuttrue1980
OP has already said its a small wage and it goes into the family pot its not just for her.

brotherphil
his hobby isnt just one night a week, its 2 nights a week plus weekends away doing competitions, seminars etc which op has not only facilitated by driving him there and cheering him on (and trust me competitions are very long boring days if you arent competing, been there done that) and by being at home alone with the kids while he does it.

One night in a blue moon isnt asking much from him.

Sprinklestar · 15/02/2017 21:36

Omg, OP! He's got it made, hasn't he?

Why are you with him?!

pamhill64 · 16/02/2017 00:06

Not another woman on that fixed night is there??? Seems Very strange attitude. Just wondering....

BabychamSocialist · 16/02/2017 00:38

YANBU. Unless he's finding out the meaning of life, missing one week is not going to kill him. You are obviously finding enjoyment and confidence in teaching these classes, and he's being a twat in putting his hobby over your self-worth, which I imagine is probably a bit damaged after 8 years of being a SAHM (as good as it can be, I think we'd all find it a bit tough going).

PinkShampagney · 16/02/2017 00:56

Only read first two pages so sorry if this has been covered but
sounds to me like there is more to this than meets the eye

What you describe is a totally disproportionate reaction to the matter at hand. There is something else going on here and you need to speak to him to drill down to what it is.

It could be anything from him resenting you earning money or him wanting to be in control of you or him being angry at your friend you work for reasons you don't know about to him having an affair with/crush on someone at the hobby place and being pissed off he didn't get to go.

Whatever it is, there is definitely something else going on.

No one in that situation no matter how cross they were they missed their hobby would "lose the plot" or say " he didn't see why he should do any favours for her business and that he didn't give a shit whether she lost money".

It is very definitely not about that. You need to talk to him.

Lucy83 · 16/02/2017 07:45

I think previous posters have hit the nail on the head: he's got so used to you bending to accommodate him that it is preposterous to him that he might need to bend for you occasionally now that you're working.

In short, he doesn't see you as his equal.

golfbuggy · 16/02/2017 08:01

It seems to me that the problem here is that neither OP or her DH know whether OP has a "hobby" or a "job". If it's a job she needs proper childcare in place, not relying on favours from her mum or for DH to be available at a few hours notice. What would have happened if DH had been working when you'd been asked to cover a class?

That said, it sounds like the way he talked to you was out of order, but also sounds like it was out of frustration.

ceeveebee · 16/02/2017 08:15

TBH although his reaction was totally disproportionate, just trying to think how I would feel if I had plans and then DH called me and said he had to work late so could I cancel?
I'd be pretty pissed off tbh and would expect him to try to sort out childcare rather than ask me to cancel my plans.

ImYourMama · 16/02/2017 08:23

I'm sorry but I simply don't see how these
'DH has a hobby that takes up evenings/weekends' are compatible with a happy marriage and equal parenting. Your DH has left you and your children to fit around HIS world, his shifts and his hobby and his competitions and blow the rest of you. TBH I'd be having a serious conversation about how his hobby continues because at the moment it's you and the kids who are second to his time.

Willow2016 · 16/02/2017 08:35

Jeeze looking after your own kids isnt doing your oh a favour!

Its called parenting, something which this guy has done precious little of over the years.

It wont kill him to give up one night once in a while, op has been giving up her time for 10 years! And as previously stated he always makes sure he isnt working on his hobby nights, but cant make time for his own family?

Deejoda · 16/02/2017 13:07

YANBU!
I just want to reiterate what a couple of PPs have said. Being a SAHM is a hard job with 3 children and you should not be 'on duty' 24/7 just as he isnt with his job. Outside of work, these things should be shared more equally than you are describing and it is time to have a serious conversation about that. You matter as much as he does and you have done more than your fair share.

EdenX · 16/02/2017 14:00

So you lost a lot of weight, have got fitter and are becoming financially independent? I think he's got used to having you at home and at his beck and call, and isn't happy that things are changing.

northernmonkey1010 · 16/02/2017 22:37

Is his hobby been a bastard to his wife!?! I don't know how some men are actually married the cunts

Jeanne51 · 17/02/2017 16:29

you are supporting him to train in hobby. My friend a very bright woman had to give up a degree course because her husband put pressure on her to be at home.. Later he wanted to train as a driving instructor they borrowed the money. He never got round to it. she asked if she could instead and he said "no".
The outcome she stopped having sex for a year. Ignores him and does what she wants. He has learnt his lesson and they are still together.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6 7