because DH certainly seems to think so!

[RagamuffinAndFidget]

Back story: I have been a SAHM for nearly eight years (my choice, DH agreed) and have recently started teaching fitness classes a couple of times a week. It only earns me pocket money but I love it - the company is run by a friend and the team is currently quite small as the company only launched last year.

DH works shifts (now has a flexible working agreement but until last year was often working lots of late evenings followed by early mornings followed by late evenings, etc. He was virtually never at home and often went days without really seeing our children) and has a hobby which he attends twice a week. He is actually hoping to train to teach this hobby, which I fully support, but he isn't yet getting paid for this. He has attended classes pretty much every week for 10+ years - he always made sure, even when working random shifts, that he had those evenings free, often meaning that he had to work every other evening in the week.

Lots of detail, sorry, just trying not to drip feed!

So, the AIBU: My boss is aware that DH attends said hobby and has always said she would only ever ask me to cover a class (we are expected to do this when possible, if someone else is ill or away or whatever) if it was a genuine emergency. She tries to avoid closing classes as they are very popular and with hall costs and loss of takings she can potentially lose £300+ in one night. So, last night should have been DH's night at his hobby but I was asked to cover a class because one of the other instructors is really unwell (can't climb stairs without getting short of breath and dizzy so definitely couldn't teach a class!). I asked DH and he lost the plot. He said some really hurtful things, insulted me, my boss, the rest of the team. He said he didn't see why he should do any favours for her business and that he didn't give a shit whether she lost money. He was really nasty. I went and taught the class.

This morning it is still going on. He thinks I was totally unreasonable for asking him to miss his hobby and that I'm a dick for making him let his instructor down. I think he's being quite selfish. AIBU?

Introverted Saying you feel you're on your own (if true) or that he doesn't help enough is fine. Saying he's useless is a character assassination and is unlikely to be true, or why would you stick around?

What do you mean by you earn 'pocket money'? Do you only get paid for the hour you do or do you get paid for the hours you put into planning your class, class music etc?
You say your boss /friend stood to lose £300+ if you didn't do the class but how much did you earn for the class?
Does your dh feel that you are being taken advantage of? Your boss makes a premium on the hour you work but you get relatively little payment for that hour?
I think you were unreasonable because you basically shafted him so that you could do your boss/friend a favour.
Is there a reason that your boss couldn't do the class themselves?

I don't think you are being unreasonable. It's so difficult to get back in to the workplace after time out of it. And you've supported him in his job, as in, you mind his children while he goes to work.

I think you need to have a few babysitters lined up. You shouldn't be prevented from working so that he can go to his ''important'' hobby.

Do you get to have a hobby?

Charles I was just expressing surprise that so many on MN never express things in anger/under extreme stress/sleep deprivation that they never regret. Obviously he is not useless.

I am just expressing that it is stressful to be sole wage earner (just as I'm sure it can be to be a SAHM).

Hmm, I don't see it in the same light, Red.

The way I see it is that the dh has his main job (being the breadwinner) and the op has her main job (being a sahm). They have both agreed to split the work in this way. Then they both have hobbies that have the potential to enable them to earn a bit of extra money on the side. The OP has already started earning in this capacity, whereas the dh has not, but neither seem to be essential for the family as a whole, despite being important to the op and her dh as individuals.

I appreciate what you're saying about the op's job being the only opportunity that she has to earn an income, but equally, the dh's hobby might be the only opportunity that he gets to do something that he really wants to do, whereas the OP will probably have much more autonomy on a day to day basis. And the OP has chosen to be financially dependent on her dh, so he can hardly be held responsible for this.

YANBU.

And to the poster that said, but you're a SAHM, it's your job to look after the children. Bollocks.Her job is to look after the children when he's at work. When he's not at work, and when SHE'S not at work, then the job should be shared equally. But it's not being done so in this case. It is not her job 24/7, to work around the all important man's hobbies, evenings, and weekends.

He does his hobby twice a week, she does hers twice a week. She's said she often goes out etc. No one's saying she should look after them 24/7. She can only pursue her hobby as a job as he is the main wage earner, a role she gave him when she chose to be a SAHM. Which is fine of course, but might explain that he was upset to miss his hobby when he has worked long hours to support their family's choice of set up. He was wrong to insult her, but I don't feel it's a LTB situation.

Who on earth said she should leave him?

Broken I can see what you're saying, and there clearly is a discussion to be had about what their priorities should be, particularly as I'm guessing they're moving out of the very young children stage.

Personally I would give more weight than you do to the fact that this is the OP's only income source, as well as being an enjoyable activity, and also to the fact that, as far as I can see, her DP has been given a lot free time to pursue his hobby over the last 8 years, even when it meant not seeing (let alone looking after) the DC at all, whereas the OP doesn't seem to have had an equal amount of free time.

But it's the fact that he gets SO angry about not getting his way that makes me suspicious. Nobody does that about having to miss one session of a hobby unless they are used to being king of castle whose will is law.

Eek, have been out for a bit and now there's lots to catch up on, sorry!

A couple of PPs have asked about earnings - I don't really want to get right into the specifics of it but I earn a set amount per class plus a bit more per client who attends. I just have to learn the moves then turn up and teach, my friend is in charge of choreography and pays for the hall and insurance. She also provides all equipment except an iPod or something to play the music from. So although I'm not paid loads it is still pretty good money, IYSWIM?

She couldn't cover the class because she also teaches one on a Monday. She is currently training a couple of new instructors so hopefully this situation isn't likely to happen again.

If/when DH starts getting paid for teaching then it will be a job, not a hobby, and would be treated as such. If he was running his own class of course I wouldn't have asked him to miss it so that I could do the cover class.

But is it really her only income source? Surely if she and her DH have agreed that she will be a SAHM, then her DH's income is "family money" - and therefore as much hers as his? Is that not how it works when one parent is at home?

Personally, I would never choose to be financially dependent on anyone, so can completely understand the wish to have one's own income, but if you choose to organise your lives in such a way that one partner is responsible for bringing in the money while the other is responsible for taking care of the children, then are you not saying that, actually, financial independence isn't all that important to you?

I'm struggling to express my point, I'm afraid, but I think that the DH would (quite rightly) be condemned for saying that the money he earned was "his" money rather than "family money", and so I'm struggling to see why the wife's earnings are seen as "her income" and not just additional income in the family pot.

Of course, if the OP has decided that she no longer wants to be financially dependent on her DH and that she wants to get back into work so that they can share the breadwinning between them, then I think that's a conversation that should be had between them. Perhaps, as she increases her hours and earns more, he will have options to reduce the number of hours that he works in his current job and concentrate more on making his hobby pay.

YANBU, earning money trumps a hobby

We do have 'family money' but we just don't have a lot of it so me earning extra (which will also be family money) is beneficial to all of us. The long-term plan (once youngest DC starts pre-school) is to start teaching more classes and therefore hopefully earn more money.

OK, if you actually need the money as a family, then I think the job has to come first over the hobby. That's a no-brainer in my view.

You had previously described your earnings as "pocket money" which made it sound more like an optional extra to me.

I think YABU.

I think he has massively overreacted. You're being paid for this, he was not for his martial arts thing. It was once in a blue moon, not a regular thing. You weren't doing the boss a favour so much as yourself, she sees you as helpful plus you get paid.

Sorry Broken, when I said pocket money I just meant a small amount rather than a full time wage.

derxa care to elaborate?

Fair enough, OP. That's the problem with the internet, we all interpret things in different ways.

The impression I had from your OP was that this was essentially a hobby that also enabled you to earn a bit of extra discretionary spending money. If it is actually a needed contribution to family finances and you are keen to get into a position in the longer term where you can increase your hours and your earnings, then I think it makes sense to prioritise your job over DH's hobby.

Someone said above that this situation was likely to arise again. I think that's right, so it might be good to try and agree now how you're going to deal with it!

A favour????

He was not doing you or anybody else a fucking "favour", he was looking after his children.

I despair reading constant posts about husbands and their fucking hobbies; As if the whole world has to stop to accommodate their desires and very sadly there are far too many women who are prepared to take a back seat to allow their men to prance about like they're 12.

Your class earns you money and regardless of how much it pays I would imagine it's in some way beneficial for the whole family financially but by the sounds of it your husband's hobby thus far has benefited no one but him.

He is being extremely selfish but it's your own fault because obviously you've let him get away with it for such a long time that he's now too used to getting his own way.

He thinks of himself as IMPORTANT, while you and your needs PALE IN SIGNIFICANCE; You should have put yoyr foot down long ago.

Let him sulk, he's pathetic!

He's being an idiot

broken yu e had this impression because in some way the OP has been self depreciating her job so it doesn't look like something important.

This is the reason why I am asking if this feeling that this job isn't important is what she feels or what her DH feels.
I suspect it's the later. He is the earner, he is coming tops of the pile, he doesn't want that to change and certainly not in a way that will stop him from doing what he wants (aka HIS hobby) so that his wife can be earning too.

When you're teaching your working, it's not you attending your hobby, you're working, it's just you're very lucky to be working with friends earning doing something you also enjoy as a hobby.

You're husband is trying to achieve the same, you've facilitated and looked after the children to help him achieve his goal, if he truly sees your work as a hobby and not important, why does he feel his is different?

Is there any chance he is jealous? That he's been working towards earning and teaching his hobby for years and isn't there after ten years of twice weekly classes whereas you've achieved it in a very short space of time (compared to him) without the benefit of attending twice weekly classes for the last ten years. Is he moaning about parenting his own children as a one off because he doesn't really see himself as doing a favour for his boss, but because he doesn't want you getting to where he's trying to get quicker than him.

He feels not attending his hobby looks bad re future career wise, can't he see that putting barriers to you attending work also has potential to make you look bad re flexibility for work.

I used to work in a nursery and the occasions where dh had to cancel his hobby as I'd been called in he didn't view it as doing a favour for my boss and as him helping her make money. He saw it as being a parent and having an equal responsibilty to look after DC, and that when you have DC, you have to be flexible and jiggle and sometimes work has to come above attending hobbies and leisure time. More so the more children you have as there's more chance of being needed at home. Your husband has been very lucky to be able to maintain his hobby the amount he has with three young DC. He's being selfish complaining about looking after them so you can work.
If a Job with regular hours were available to you but clashed with his twice a week hobby would he expect you to not take it? When he becomes a teacher in his hobby and it clashes with your work, will organising childcare be left to you?

"He also struggles with social anxiety"
And respect for his wife, apparently. To go back to the social anxiety - how bad? Bad enough for a last-minute change to plans to send him into a tailspin? Bad enough for him to panic at the thought of telling his instructor he wasn't coming?

Regardless, he owes you a fulsome and abject apology. He thinks that you are "a dick for making him let his instructor down", and I think he is a dick for expecting you to let your boss and friend down. There is no knock-on effect of him missing his hobby, there could be a considerable consequence of that class not being covered.

Also - his hobby is NOT his job. And personally I doubt it ever will be. There's taking it slow and there's taking the piss. Ten years? Pfft. Either his anxiety will put the kybosh on it (never feel quite up to it) or his instructor will not feel he can progress someone who wants to move that slowly. And maybe he knows that, and thinks you know it too (hence massive over-reaction).

YANBU. He's being an arse.