because DH certainly seems to think so!

[RagamuffinAndFidget]

Back story: I have been a SAHM for nearly eight years (my choice, DH agreed) and have recently started teaching fitness classes a couple of times a week. It only earns me pocket money but I love it - the company is run by a friend and the team is currently quite small as the company only launched last year.

DH works shifts (now has a flexible working agreement but until last year was often working lots of late evenings followed by early mornings followed by late evenings, etc. He was virtually never at home and often went days without really seeing our children) and has a hobby which he attends twice a week. He is actually hoping to train to teach this hobby, which I fully support, but he isn't yet getting paid for this. He has attended classes pretty much every week for 10+ years - he always made sure, even when working random shifts, that he had those evenings free, often meaning that he had to work every other evening in the week.

Lots of detail, sorry, just trying not to drip feed!

So, the AIBU: My boss is aware that DH attends said hobby and has always said she would only ever ask me to cover a class (we are expected to do this when possible, if someone else is ill or away or whatever) if it was a genuine emergency. She tries to avoid closing classes as they are very popular and with hall costs and loss of takings she can potentially lose £300+ in one night. So, last night should have been DH's night at his hobby but I was asked to cover a class because one of the other instructors is really unwell (can't climb stairs without getting short of breath and dizzy so definitely couldn't teach a class!). I asked DH and he lost the plot. He said some really hurtful things, insulted me, my boss, the rest of the team. He said he didn't see why he should do any favours for her business and that he didn't give a shit whether she lost money. He was really nasty. I went and taught the class.

This morning it is still going on. He thinks I was totally unreasonable for asking him to miss his hobby and that I'm a dick for making him let his instructor down. I think he's being quite selfish. AIBU?

cornflakegirl It is often a requirement for employees to be flexible, within reason, to suit the needs of the business. If the OP is never able to help out in these circumstances her boss may have to replace her with someone ho can.

I don't think he should have been so rude to you, but is he maybe feeling a bit threatened? Like he's given 10 years to something and it's about to develop in his favour but he's not able to give it his all because suddenly you're doing something for yourself? I don't think you were unreasonable btw, just trying to find a reason for such a strong reaction.

Hmm, don't know enough to decide tbh.

On the surface of it, he is being a bit of an arse. Paid work would usually trump a hobby, without question. However, I think it does depend a bit on the context.

When you say that he "agreed" to you being a sahp, did he actively want you to sah or was it more a question of him supporting you in the choice that you wanted to make? If it was the latter, then he might feel that he has been supporting you to do what you want to do for years, and so he might feel that a couple of evenings per week is not a lot for him to ask.

Also, does he really enjoy his main job, or is he doing it mainly because he has to earn a living to support the family? Might it be that he feels that he has facilitated your efforts to turn your hobby into a job that actually pays, by supporting you financially, and that he now feels that you're not giving him the support to do the same with his hobby?

Also, what happens to the money that you earn from your job? Does it make a contribution to the overall family finances, or is it "your" money? If the latter, he might still see your job as just a hobby, and he might therefore resent the fact that your hobby has taken priority over his?

I don't feel that I know enough about the situation to judge.

I see his point to be honest. I am also intrigued at the fact you 'chose' to be a SAHM and he 'agreed'. Implies you found it important to you and he was expected to go along with it. He has worked hard for years in a job he presumably doesn't enjoy (otherwise he wouldn't be looking to change career) and is now hoping to do what you do (make money from what he enjoys). However, he can't just yet as he is the main earner. He then has to cancel his hobby to facilitate your friend's business.

I really don't get the posters saying that you are expected to cover the childcare... surely that's the job of a SAHM...to look after the kids? You obviously get paid a little for your hobby but still get to attend, so I see him doing his share.

He shouldn't have been rude, but it is massive to have the whole financial pressure of a family on your shoulders and it must also be difficult not be able to do what he wants work wise (like you) because of that pressure.

I haven't read the whole thread so apologies if I have missed something, but what worries me about this situation isn't who was right or wrong, but how he spoke to you. He's your life partner. You two are meant to support each other. Even if he was genuinely angry (and even if he had a right to be) he could have reigned it in and been and not insulted you, your friends and your job.

He wasn't doing a favour for the OP's friend. That's the sort of wrongheadness that selfish people use to justify themselves.

If you took that tack, you'd be arguing that the OP is doing her husband's boss a favour by being a SAHM thus ensuring that her husband is able to work at short notice.

She has to be flexible for HIS job but she isn't allowed to be flexible for HER OWN job?

He looked after his own children in order to facilitate his wife working. Once. In 8 years. And some people clearly see that as unacceptable. Jesus.

No, he looks after them regularly to facilitate her working, just not when it's last minute and extra. I would say that she was doing her H's boss a favour if she agreed to cancel her plans to watch the children while he covered an extra shift last minute.

Regardless of who is right or wrong, the fact is that this is probably going to happen again. So perhaps you need to establish a relationship with a babysitting service that can be available at short notice. You haven't needed to until now, but things have changed and you clearly both feel strongly about wanting to be at the thing you do.

YANBU. I am married to a karate instructor too! It can end up being all consuming for them. Mine has been away 3 weekends since Xmas and is buggering off to Paris for the Nationals in April, meaning I will be home alone for my birthday

On the other hand, once each child reached the age of 6 or 7, they went to karate with him... can he take your eldest?

DS is now also instructing and running his own classes, and last year had the chance to tour Japan with the club for a month.

I think You need to get emergency child care started or evening child care so you don't have work around his shifts. Take your job seriously and do all the hours you can.

Surely a pre-booked arrangement (his class)would trump a last minute one? Unless you'd discussed in advance that this as part of the arrangement for you taking this job and he'd agreed that he was happy to change his plans at last minute to facilitate you covering colleagues sickness as this is part of the job.

Doesn't make it OK for him to speak to you how you did though.

Whether the OP is wrong or not, hurtful comments and insults are out of order. I find it a really unpleasant character trait when people lash out in anger with comments designed to hurt, comments you can't forget were said when their anger has passed. There is also an undertone of a lack of respect, which is surely the basis of any healthy relationship.

He issued to be top of the pack and do whatever he wants.
Suddenly, you are working, albeit few hours, and his wishes aren't the priority anymore. Or rather not ALL the time.

Ive noticed that he is focusing on your friend business, not on the fact that its work, That tells me that he doesn't see your job as a job bit as a hobby and your friend making money from your help iyswim.
Ive also noticed that you went at length explaining the ins and outs of what you re doing, its only a small job, pocket money type of thing etc... which tells me that you actually dont value what you do in the same way you would value what he does at work. Rather you are putting what you do at the same level than his hobby.

So for me, the first step is to start valuing what you do for work the same way than what he does. It might not pay a lot atm, because you are starting and because you don't have time anyway. But its job and you should value it just the same.

On the other side, his hobby is a hobby. He might start teaching in a bit, he might be helping now but it will still be a hobby iyswim. And I say that as someone who has had an all encompassing hobby that would sometimes be paid. I still looked at it and treated as a hobby

Charles I agree and hope he apologises but I really don't think it's that unusual to say things in anger that you regret. The key thing is to apologise and make sure to take measures to prevent a repeat (eg emergency childcare contacts, agreement on what to do next time etc).

btw I suspect that if you had missed the point of what sort of job it is, its only pocket money and had just said 'My boss asked me to come to work for an hour to cover for another employee who is unwell.' most people would have said that yes it is totally normal for your DH to cancel his hobby for the night.

Think about it. You are at pains to try and convince us that this is indeed a job and this is not always working.
Is it because you aren't convinced yourself or because your DH isn't and has already spent quite a bit of time putting the business and your friend down, telling you its not worth it etc?

Nope sorry. There is no need to say anything like this in anger.
I am prone to anger and shouting but I still never put people down, nor do I insult people. There is absolutely no reason for that.

On the other side, his hobby is a hobby. He might start teaching in a bit, he might be helping now but it will still be a hobby iyswim. And I say that as someone who has had an all encompassing hobby that would sometimes be paid. I still looked at it and treated as a hobby

Genuine question, Red. Why would the DH's hobby still be just a hobby if he stayed getting paid for it, whereas the OP's hobby has become a proper job? Or have I misunderstood?

And yes, I agree with all those posters who say that it's unacceptable to say hurtful things, regardless of the rights and wrongs of the situation.

He was nasty, but I agree with whoever said a pre-booked activity gets priority over a last minute one.
You wouldn't cancel your hobby at the last minute to accomodate his, would you?
I don't agree with RAYS who said focussing on the friend's business means he doesn't see it as a real job. More like it's a job so doing extra shifts is optional, and hobbies are preferable.
I bet if OP had posted her employer asked her to fill in at the last minute which means cancelling my hobby AIBU, most people would say no.

I wonder what you say in anger then, if you never insult anyone or put them down? I find it admirable (not sarcastically, genuinely). I let resentment simmer and then am more likely to blow up, especially when stressed at work. Nothing really nasty or anything, but sentiments to DH about him being useless or not helping enough (which isn't true objectively, but feels like it in the moment).

Basically he is used to you being around to facilitate him doing his hobby. You asking him to look after kids encroached on his time and he had a childish strop. You use your mum rather than ask him to change his plans probably because he sulks and makes it difficult otherwise. Would he do likewise for you? No I am guessing he just expects you to be around for kids while he is at work or hobby or wherever really. You also sound like you try and minimise any disruption to his schedule this makes him feel more entitled. He wont apologise unless you get mad. I unfortunately live with a man child. I find overall that the more accommodating I am the bigger piss taker he is. Start getting difficult OP or you will be forever putting your life on hold.

You wouldn't cancel your hobby at the last minute to accommodate his, would you?

I think I might well cancel my hobby to accommodate my partner's work, particularly if I was doing it twice a week.

Because the OP's isn't a hobby. Its not because its a fitness class that it is unless you consider that all fitness teachers are doing it for fun and a bit of money on the side.

On the other side, her DH has a hobby that is taking a lot of time. I suspect he will start by doing a lot of 'helping' in the class. He might be paid for it, but with a contract? being self employed to making it his job and his only or important source of income? Nope.
He will do that because he loves the sports and it so happens that it can make earn some money. If he wasn't earning it, it wouldn't be an issue.
On the others ide, the fitness class is the ONLY income for the OP after 8 years as a SAHM so the difference between earning or not will major.
She might well want to move that to a job that will be taking more time, more classes (he wont). At the monent, its her door to go back into working and should be respected as such (for what it is and for what it might become iyswim)

Just to clarify - part of DH's flexible working agreement is that he no longer works lates but will do so on occasion if absolutely necessary (more than one person off sick/on holiday, for example, and there aren't enough other staff to cover the shifts). I have had to miss my hobby a couple of times due to him doing this and obviously while I wasn't exactly happy about it I had to just deal with it.

Well, that's exactly the same situation, isn't it? Why is it doing an unnecessary favour for your employer if he looks after the children, but not doing an unnecessary favour for his employer if you do it?