because DH certainly seems to think so!

[RagamuffinAndFidget]

Back story: I have been a SAHM for nearly eight years (my choice, DH agreed) and have recently started teaching fitness classes a couple of times a week. It only earns me pocket money but I love it - the company is run by a friend and the team is currently quite small as the company only launched last year.

DH works shifts (now has a flexible working agreement but until last year was often working lots of late evenings followed by early mornings followed by late evenings, etc. He was virtually never at home and often went days without really seeing our children) and has a hobby which he attends twice a week. He is actually hoping to train to teach this hobby, which I fully support, but he isn't yet getting paid for this. He has attended classes pretty much every week for 10+ years - he always made sure, even when working random shifts, that he had those evenings free, often meaning that he had to work every other evening in the week.

Lots of detail, sorry, just trying not to drip feed!

So, the AIBU: My boss is aware that DH attends said hobby and has always said she would only ever ask me to cover a class (we are expected to do this when possible, if someone else is ill or away or whatever) if it was a genuine emergency. She tries to avoid closing classes as they are very popular and with hall costs and loss of takings she can potentially lose £300+ in one night. So, last night should have been DH's night at his hobby but I was asked to cover a class because one of the other instructors is really unwell (can't climb stairs without getting short of breath and dizzy so definitely couldn't teach a class!). I asked DH and he lost the plot. He said some really hurtful things, insulted me, my boss, the rest of the team. He said he didn't see why he should do any favours for her business and that he didn't give a shit whether she lost money. He was really nasty. I went and taught the class.

This morning it is still going on. He thinks I was totally unreasonable for asking him to miss his hobby and that I'm a dick for making him let his instructor down. I think he's being quite selfish. AIBU?

Unless his instructor is some kind of weird uptight control freak he won't feel let down by your dh not turning up.
Lacking the discipline not to abuse his wife?..that might disgust him though.

"A favour" - looking after his children whilst u was earning a wage. Let me guess when u go out to socialise he "babysits".... what a dik

I think YABU, sorry.

No doubt he would give a different spin on the story and I'm sure he thinks that his "hobby" is one night a week when he's not working or sleeping and can unwind and you're telling him to cancel on short notice so that you don't let someone else down.

The way you describe it as a "hobby" shows that you don't think it's very important to you, but it clearly is to him.

This is just an unfortunate night when each side's plans clashed. Suck it up and don't over think it

Venison I'm not sure how else to describe a class that he regularly attends and enjoys going to. Is 'hobby' not the word for that? I do support him and understand how important it is to him.. I have driven him to local competitions (and sat watching him compete with small children in tow) and waved him off on weekends away to compete in national ones. I have cheered him on when he's progressed and I am incredibly proud because he is really very good at what he does. But he doesn't get paid yet. And the class was able to continue totally normally without him whereas the class I taught would have been closed if I hadn't done it.

I really don't think that I'm more important or that my job matters more or whatever, but it should be equal shouldn't it?

Karate is not a job and very, very few people make a living at that alone. The only ones I know are Japanese people who are 6th dan black belts and travel the world teaching.

I feel your DH is being misinformed if he thinks he can earn a wage from his hobby.

Venison
His hobby is 2 nights a week not 1, OP gets paid to do her classes, he doesnt and hasnt been for 10 years! Yet op still supports him to do them.

Classes are her job, hobby isnt his! Yes it is a hobby, nothing more as yet, and after 10 years I very much doubt it ever will be. It doesnt take 10 years to be a black belt in martial arts. My kids go and I have watched someone in the class going from classes to teaching, it didnt take 10 years!

10 years is a long time to have a hobby where your wife makes all the allowances, drives you places for it, looks after kids while you do it, weekends away, etc etc. One bleeping night missing it isnt going to kill him while she goes to work.

And you havent even metioned the verbal abuse he gave her about it and continued the next day! Thats pathetic over an hour at your hobby.

As I said, we've only got one side of the story here and the truth is almost certainly somewhere in the middle.

It's unfortunate that they both had plans on the same night, surely the OP could have used the money from her "job" to pay a babysitter for an hour or two

I think you need to start taking your job seriously and prioritise it. Its not a hobby or pocket money. It will give you financial independence.

If you have to prioritise things then yes, his job being the main income source comes first but your job definitely comes before husband or kids hobbies.

Venison I'm not sure what the "job" thing is all about - it IS a job. I go out and work, and I get paid. That's a job, right?

So if it's a job you can pay for childcare while you're doing said job. Problem solved, stop whining. YABU

They're his children too. Remind him of that.

Or 'they' could pay for childcare Venison, because all monies coming into the house is/are family money. Paid work takes precedence over a hobby. Sounds to me like he's got used to his needs being more important than anyone elses in the house, which doesn't sound like much of a partnership to me.

Venison, you're the OP's husband aren't you?

Omg DH is that you?! If so, why have you been pretending you don't know how to use a phone/send an email/work a computer for the last 10 years?!

Op are you a slimming world consultant?

If you are, I can see why your dh mat get annoyed.

If not then yanbu

Seriously, this is one time in 10 years that he's been asked to miss his hobby because his wife has been asked to work, and he sees his arse over it? He needs to grow up. He's living an adolescent life where he thinks he's the centre of the universe. Venison I'd say he's the one who needs to stop whining. But nice trolling.

I'd also be doubtful about his temperament for teaching (regardless of pure ability in competitions) on this basis. If one of his students doesn't show up one night, or can't get a move right, is he going to take it as a personal insult?

No, I teach fitness classes. It's actually a huge deal for me really as I've been very overweight (obese, if I'm honest) for most of my life, but after DC3 was born I started going to fitness classes a couple of times a week and I just loved it so much that I kept going and have now lost almost 7 stone (gone from a 22/24 to a 12) and am teaching classes myself! My friend used to teach one kind of class but has now launched her own business with a different class (similar style but different in a few ways). Anyway, I love it and am really happy to be doing it. I think that's why it hurt so much when DH was so down on me about it.

Just to clarify - part of DH's flexible working agreement is that he no longer works lates but will do so on occasion if absolutely necessary (more than one person off sick/on holiday, for example, and there aren't enough other staff to cover the shifts). I have had to miss my hobby a couple of times due to him doing this and obviously while I wasn't exactly happy about it I had to just deal with it.

Exact same scenario. How can he argue that he shouldn't do the same?

I think, due to his social anxiety - and the hierarchy structure of martial arts - your husband felt very embarrassed at 'letting down' his instructor. This made him lash out at you.

He's wrong, and he needs to pull his head in. Time for you to enforce more equality in your relationship.

I get this completely. It comes down the children are your responsibility - so it is primarily your job to look after them - he isn't responsible for arranging cover - you are.
It is a mentality he has developed because you are a SAHM.....
You need to talk to him about what happened last night but also about his attitude to HIS children. If you don't from personal experience I can see it getting worse.
DP used to work long hours in his own business and he had to be there. I took on all the childcare and household stuff and did his books for him - even when I worked full time. I took time off if DC was sick etc. Having his own business had been his dream and I supported him. I felt like we were a team. He'd do the same for me. Eventually I became a SAHM because I couldn't juggle everything any more... a few years later he sold up, had a break and then started working variable shifts. And that is when the real problems started - because in his head the DCs were my job. His life got easier, mine didn't really change....
He did some incredibly selfish things. I had a (very) part time job and it involved working an evening a month. I had to ask him to get that night off and it involved lots of huffing and puffing and moaning. Once (in an argument tbf) he said I hadn't asked his permission to get the job, the money I brought in wasn't needed and my time would be better spent looking after the family . Probably the worse thing he did was say he couldn't get a night off at the last minute - so I had to miss work and then I found out he had lied because he wanted to watch a football match in the pub with his friends (apparently it was a big match and worse if he had been honest I could maybe have rescheduled).

We had arguments over me having to take DD2 (18 months ish) out at 8.30/9pm one night a week in Winter to pick up DD1 from an activity -when he was watching football in the pub (he managed to get the night off for things like that no problem)...
I asked him to get a morning off because I had an important doctor's appt - he did but got the time wrong and booked himself a dentist appt - I had to take the DCs to my appt he couldn't possibly take them to his dentist - even though I'd never been to a dentist appt on my own for years. The absolute final straw was when he turned down a job in school hours/term time - which meant I could go back to work FT - because he wouldn't like it, instead he took a job miles away with stupid hours.
We came very close to splitting up - I was so full of resentment...I felt like a mug. Instead of getting into an argument, I calmly pointed out that 50:50 childcare would make it very difficult for him to be able to work the hours he did ... My life would if anything be easier without him ..I would get more free time...etc. Could he say the same?
I also was more careful how I spoke to him - I wouldn't say 'can you watch the children' - I would say 'you need to be around to watch YOUR children' etc.
He realised what an arse he'd been and has tried to change - it didn't happen overnight but he is 1000% better now.

And the whole thing happened so 'naturally' that I didn't really see what was happening until I woke up to the fact we weren't a team at all. I was doing all the giving ...and he just took that for granted.
(actually I also read Wifework by Susan Maushart -and that helped me put into words what I was feeling...to explain to him how unfair it was)

venisson in that case, shall the OP also ask her DH to pay for the childcare during the day whilst he is at work? After all he is getting paid too no??
It would be great, the OP would finally get some time for herself back and would finally be able to build her hours up etc...
Win win I would say.

YANBU
Even if he was the prime minister it wouldn't make a bit of difference.

He is the unreasonable one. Bring a moron.

*Being a moron!

YANBU op, he sounds like he is being incredibly selfish and behaving like a total dickhead child. That's not fair on you, why should you have to be the one to compromise all the time? I think you should start up a hobby for you and he can look after the kids.