because DH certainly seems to think so!

[RagamuffinAndFidget]

Back story: I have been a SAHM for nearly eight years (my choice, DH agreed) and have recently started teaching fitness classes a couple of times a week. It only earns me pocket money but I love it - the company is run by a friend and the team is currently quite small as the company only launched last year.

DH works shifts (now has a flexible working agreement but until last year was often working lots of late evenings followed by early mornings followed by late evenings, etc. He was virtually never at home and often went days without really seeing our children) and has a hobby which he attends twice a week. He is actually hoping to train to teach this hobby, which I fully support, but he isn't yet getting paid for this. He has attended classes pretty much every week for 10+ years - he always made sure, even when working random shifts, that he had those evenings free, often meaning that he had to work every other evening in the week.

Lots of detail, sorry, just trying not to drip feed!

So, the AIBU: My boss is aware that DH attends said hobby and has always said she would only ever ask me to cover a class (we are expected to do this when possible, if someone else is ill or away or whatever) if it was a genuine emergency. She tries to avoid closing classes as they are very popular and with hall costs and loss of takings she can potentially lose £300+ in one night. So, last night should have been DH's night at his hobby but I was asked to cover a class because one of the other instructors is really unwell (can't climb stairs without getting short of breath and dizzy so definitely couldn't teach a class!). I asked DH and he lost the plot. He said some really hurtful things, insulted me, my boss, the rest of the team. He said he didn't see why he should do any favours for her business and that he didn't give a shit whether she lost money. He was really nasty. I went and taught the class.

This morning it is still going on. He thinks I was totally unreasonable for asking him to miss his hobby and that I'm a dick for making him let his instructor down. I think he's being quite selfish. AIBU?

DC are 7.5, 5.5 and 1.5.

Yes, hobby is martial arts.

Giles I don't think so. He hasn't been training (to teach) for very long and is taking it slowly at his own request. He also has to do one more grading to get his black belt before he can officially qualify as an instructor. The slow pace is his doing though, mainly due to his anxiety, which is totally fine.

Just to clarify - part of DH's flexible working agreement is that he no longer works lates but will do so on occasion if absolutely necessary (more than one person off sick/on holiday, for example, and there aren't enough other staff to cover the shifts). I have had to miss my hobby a couple of times due to him doing this and obviously while I wasn't exactly happy about it I had to just deal with it.

There was one other occasion where an instructor was launching a new class and I wanted to go and support her but it fell on DH's hobby night so I asked my friend to come and look after the kids. If there was another way to have covered last night I would have done so.

YAdefNBU.

For many reasons, but mainly because that degree of anger - and remember it's still going on the next day - is a total over reaction. A conversation about whether this was going to be a regular occurrence and how you should balance out your needs would be fair enough under the circumstances. Insults and sulking are not.

He's used to having everything his own way Rag and he doesn't like that you're showing signs of having needs or wants of your own.

He's not doing your friend a favour. He's doing it for you, and it's not a favour, it's taking some degree of responsibility for his children.

And it's not your hobby, it's your job. Okay so you're not earning very much at the minute, but it's your only independent source of income. What would happen if you asked him to cancel one of his shifts so that you could go to a fitness class? Yeah, thought so.

apologising for asking because I know his hobby is important but that [boss] needed me to cover a class. I explained that my Mum had already looked after our kids during the day so I couldn't ask her, else I would have done. His parents are much older and wouldn't cope

Why did your Mum look after the kids during the day? Does he see it that you've already had most of that day to yourself to do what you wanted, then want him to give up his hobby that night as well?

To avoid this situation in the future, could you find a couple of babysitters who are okay for short-notice jobs like this?

And I see you answered my question in your last post . Exactly, you just had to deal with it. But he doesn't have to deal with it because?

Sorry I had to ask. It does happen.

Still, with a job and three kids he's bloody lucky he's managed to indulge this hobby twice a week for 10 years.

Not many husbands or wives would be so understanding as to put up with a partner who not only is never home through work but who also schedules stuff for the time he could he home actually spending time with you all.

I know what that's like tbh dp used to go out every night after work was never home nor out of bed in the morning early enough to see dd befire she took her morning nap. He went days at a time without seeing her. Barely saw me either.

It really makes you feel as if all you are good for is keeping house fir them when enter they see fit to grace you with their presence.

Turning down a paid shift fir a hobby which he also has again that week is madness.

Friving
OP has been supporting him with his 'hobby' for 10 years!
He still isnt qualified to teach, how long is he going to take?

She has a job which includes covering a shift now and again same as any other job, why shouldnt he miss one flamming night of his hobby to accomodate her in 10 years? They are his kids too.

And I couldnt get a babysitter at a days notice and if they have never had to use one before (as OP does all the childcare to accomodate him before now) they arent going to just pick someone out of thin air and trust them with their kids.

Yanbu, he's a prick.

If the hobby is what I think it is (martial arts?) then it can get a bit obsessive. The karate group I used to attend were very hot on how many sessions you attended etc etc and were very unforgiving about missing sessions the higher up the grades you went.
They did also train people up as instructors - which entails more responsibility but all for free of course, you didn't get paid.
He is being selfish, as you're now working he's just going to have to accept that there is a small possibility you might be needed for work on his hobby night. It won't be every time.
Also, if the hobby is what I think it is, he does have the option of looking for clubs that are part of the same organisation that meet on a different night if he wants to make up a session.
In short, YANBU

I think it is pretty telling that when you were asked to cover this class, your thoughts about childcare were whether your parents could do it, whether his parents could do it and then "there was no other option really" and you asked him to look after his own children.

But he's been really horrible about it so you won't ask him again, right?

Phew thank goodness he can carry on with his hobby without thinking he might have to miss one more class in the next 10 years to look after his three young children.

I can't think of anyone I know who has 3 young children and has managed to make every class for a hobby that they wanted to over a 10 year period. Most are happy to make a class every now and again.

So, his instructor is more important than you? (not wanting to let him down).

Awful!

He resents taking care of his children at a time he wants to do his hobby but is passing it off as 'not wamting to do your boss a favour'.

He probably sees it as doing YOU a favour and resents it. What a selfish twat.

blank Sorry, I thought I'd already said but I had to cover a class yesterday morning too - poorly instructor teaches two classes on a Monday. My Mum looked after the kids so I could cover that class. We hadn't actually realised at that point just how unwell she was - she was hoping to be able to teach herself yesterday evening but then saw the doctor in the afternoon and they said absolutely not. She would basically be at risk of passing out if she did anything more strenuous than making a cup of tea!

I think in this case your Dp is acting very uneasonably.

I'm a bit annoyed at some of the pps talking as if he is somehow selfish to work shifts and expect the OP to cover childcare during this time though. If she has chosen to be a sahm while he works then surely this is the deal? And presumably she knew he was a shift worker before agreeing.

(Nb, not having a go at the OP about this, just some of the pps).

Wizard he is good in other ways. He does his fair share of housework, etc. Probably more than sometimes, but I do all cooking and most child-related stuff. He doesn't drive so I do all school runs, appointments, that sort of thing. I don't feel like that's unequal though. Although he does moan a lot about having to do washing up and stuff!

pig Yes, definitely. My job has been childcare for the last 7.5, nearly 8, years because I chose to do this. I wanted to be at home with the kids, and am glad that my new job still means I can be at home with them as I just teach a couple of classes in the evenings.

I meant that on top of work.

I mean if a partner is away fir work most the time and then the two evening gs he cold actually he home to read the kids a bed time story he chooses to go out and do his hobby instead. That's what takes the piss.

That's just opting out of parenting altogether.

Surely you'd expect some wanting to be at home. Work can't always be helped. But equally it doesn't absolve you altogether of being a parent and a partner who shock horror might be expected to look after his own kids once in a while.

He's right though - he missed his hobby to do a favour for your friend. It wasn't your problem that the other instructor was ill, it was hers. You made it your problem. You could have used a paid babysitting service and got her to cover the cost.

Look, just no. He is being utterly selfish. He knows fine he's actually helping you out by letting you earn money and accolade...but he's seemingly deaf to that because the why-should-I-help-your-boss line serves his outright selfishness better. Don't be derailed by his pish any longer.
He's being a wrong 'un and you both know it.

Wonder what will happen to all the 'hobby nights' when X 3 children may need ferrying to their hobby nights. I guess you will be doing the ferrying as driver though Op.

Gileswithachainsaw but presumably he is at home with them sometimes in the mornings and can do breakfast and school runs etc when most ft working parents couldn't.

Don't get me wrong, I realise that shift working is a pita both for those working and those at home but you have to work with it and adjust as best you can.

So your boss only gave you a few hours notice that you would be required to work a night that you almost never work?
Out of interest, what does your contract say about this? It does feel a fairly onerous requirement.

cornflake
does your work cover you childcare for you if you do a cover shift/day?
What a daft idea.

Ladymuck
I dont find having short notice to be asked if I could cover a shift unusual at all.
They didnt expect the person to be too ill to do the class, it happens, its not something that has happened before. OPs boss makes sure that her shifts are compatable with her Oh the rest of the time. Asking him to put himself out and actually take care of his own kids once in a while isnt unreasonable.