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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

because DH certainly seems to think so!

173 replies

RagamuffinAndFidget · 14/02/2017 10:43

Back story: I have been a SAHM for nearly eight years (my choice, DH agreed) and have recently started teaching fitness classes a couple of times a week. It only earns me pocket money but I love it - the company is run by a friend and the team is currently quite small as the company only launched last year.

DH works shifts (now has a flexible working agreement but until last year was often working lots of late evenings followed by early mornings followed by late evenings, etc. He was virtually never at home and often went days without really seeing our children) and has a hobby which he attends twice a week. He is actually hoping to train to teach this hobby, which I fully support, but he isn't yet getting paid for this. He has attended classes pretty much every week for 10+ years - he always made sure, even when working random shifts, that he had those evenings free, often meaning that he had to work every other evening in the week.

Lots of detail, sorry, just trying not to drip feed!

So, the AIBU: My boss is aware that DH attends said hobby and has always said she would only ever ask me to cover a class (we are expected to do this when possible, if someone else is ill or away or whatever) if it was a genuine emergency. She tries to avoid closing classes as they are very popular and with hall costs and loss of takings she can potentially lose £300+ in one night. So, last night should have been DH's night at his hobby but I was asked to cover a class because one of the other instructors is really unwell (can't climb stairs without getting short of breath and dizzy so definitely couldn't teach a class!). I asked DH and he lost the plot. He said some really hurtful things, insulted me, my boss, the rest of the team. He said he didn't see why he should do any favours for her business and that he didn't give a shit whether she lost money. He was really nasty. I went and taught the class.

This morning it is still going on. He thinks I was totally unreasonable for asking him to miss his hobby and that I'm a dick for making him let his instructor down. I think he's being quite selfish. AIBU?

OP posts:
Original poster
RagamuffinAndFidget · 14/02/2017 11:20

Strawberry I sent him a message (he was at work when my boss asked me) apologising for asking because I know his hobby is important but that [boss] needed me to cover a class. I explained that my Mum had already looked after our kids during the day so I couldn't ask her, else I would have done. His parents are much older and wouldn't cope with dinner/bath/bedtime with three kids. My Dad lives miles away. There was no other option really but I did still ask rather than tell him.

OP posts:
Megatherium · 14/02/2017 11:21

If he shouldn't have to do favours for your boss, why should you have to do favours for his instructor? That is what you are doing every time you babysit to enable him to go out.

Original poster
RagamuffinAndFidget · 14/02/2017 11:22

Giles I feel like I need to defend him just a little bit and explain that he is very very good at his hobby (has won gold medals at national competitions, silver in worlds, etc) but that teaching it is very very different to training in it. He also struggles with social anxiety so is building up to it slowly. So that bit I do understand, but I still don't think that asking him to miss one class was so awful..

OP posts:
Pinbasket · 14/02/2017 11:22

8ineededtonamechange*
This!

meganorks · 14/02/2017 11:24

He is being a dick. But I think you might need to spell out to hI'm why it is important to you. Because I am sure he is completely honest about not giving a shot about your friend losing money.
Also, if you haven't been doing it very long and have already had to fill in on one of his hobby days then he may be thinking this is just the yip of the iceberg and that actually you are going to be doing this all the time. Plus if in 10 years he has managed to never miss a group and then a few weeks/months of you doing this job you are making him miss it that would be quite annoying.
I do sti think he is being a dick though. His reaction isn't on. And he shouldn't need to have it spelt out to you why it is important

StrawberryShortcake32 · 14/02/2017 11:25

Willow - ahhh yes I must have read the original op wrong.

In which case YANBU.

meganorks · 14/02/2017 11:25

Sorry for the typos!

Trifleorbust · 14/02/2017 11:26

Not only was he not doing your BOSS a favour, he wasn't doing YOU a favour either! He was parenting his child whilst her other parent was at work. End of story.

VeryBitchyRestingFace · 14/02/2017 11:26

Stop apologising to him.

Stop trying to placate him.

Only1scoop · 14/02/2017 11:28

You sound a little grovelling

Trifleorbust · 14/02/2017 11:28

There was no other option really but I did still ask rather than tell him.

Why on earth should you have to ask him? You sound as though you know you weren't BU but there is still an undercurrent here: you think caring for your DC is your job and he helps.

WorraLiberty · 14/02/2017 11:28

I don't know, I can see both sides here really.

As a PP said, you are also indulging your hobby and you get to do it a couple of times per week, it's just that now you are earning 'pocket money' from it.

Your DH was looking forward to his pre-planned hobby and then had to cancel last minute, so that you could indulge yours again.

How old are the DC by the way?

Gileswithachainsaw · 14/02/2017 11:28

In that case rag I'm sorry of I'm wrong

However it dies still sound a little like a set up where it's entirely possible he's being leas on to think he's being trained up to teach but basically he's doing the I structures job fir him in the name of "training" whilst not getting paid

Is that possible?

GeorgiePeachie · 14/02/2017 11:30

I Neeed to know what the hobby is.

Huldra · 14/02/2017 11:38

I would take a guess at martial arts.

CountUpTo3 · 14/02/2017 11:38

Yes, it does sound like he's BU but also like there's plenty under the surface that you need to discuss with him. Why does he feel so threatened by you earning a bit of money?

Why didn't you get a babysitter? I don't live in the UK, so am probably really out of touch, but so many problems on AIBU seem to revolve around getting unwilling family to look after kids for free. Just pay someone nice who you know and who could do with the cash!

CountUpTo3 · 14/02/2017 11:41

Also weird that no-one ever seems to suggest a babysitter as a solution when these problems come up. Is it just not something that people do any more?

user892 · 14/02/2017 11:43

Verbal abuse is never ok.

DrivingMeBonkers · 14/02/2017 11:48

If he had been mardy because he was asked to give up his hobby to cover your shift, that would be unreasonable. But asking him to give up his hobby so you can cover someone else, that's an impact on everyone. If you want to cover someone else's class, it's up to you to make sure you have the arrangements in place before accepting the shift.

I can just imagine the uproar if he had agreed to cover someone elses shift whilst assuming you would drop your hobby to enable him to do so. there would be cries of LTB, and what a selfish b'stard, etc etc.

ReadyPlayerOne · 14/02/2017 11:57

Yours was a paid job, his was a hobby.

A hobby you no doubt enabled throughout the years as you were home with the kids while he was out training I guess.

He should cut you some slack for this one occasion. YANBU.

diddl · 14/02/2017 11:59

Sounds jealous that you are getting paid for your hobby, & also nasty with it.

Shouting about & insulting people?

Also, he isn't needed by his instructor, is he?

The class can go ahead with or without him.

He's not as necessary as he likes to think!

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 14/02/2017 12:00

Driving
I can just imagine the uproar if he had agreed to cover someone elses shift whilst assuming you would drop your hobby to enable him to do so. there would be cries of LTB, and what a selfish b'stard, etc etc.

As a one off I don't think there would have been that sort of reaction. Most people recognise the need for a bit of goodwill at work. What I suspect is the more likely scenario is that the OP has had to cover when he has picked up extra shifts in the past but he doesn't see her teaching classes as work but instead as a hobby.

OP - tell him that its your job not a hobby and that sometimes you might pick up extra shifts just like he might do so in work. Has he ever covered for a sick colleague?

NewPuppyMum · 14/02/2017 12:00

Forget whether it's a job or a hobby and focus on the fact your husband is a twat.

Benedikte2 · 14/02/2017 12:02

But Bonkers, this isn't her hobby but her work and terms of employment are to cover classes where necessary and boss only asks for that evening if no other choice. OP's hobbies etc always have to fit round his hobby.
It is U of you to turn the argument round for "gender equality" when the situation is very different

ChuckSnowballs · 14/02/2017 12:02

But asking him to give up his hobby so you can cover someone else, that's an impact on everyone.

Actually that is bollocks. As half of the 'parents' she surely has a right to go out as many nights as he does. However he thinks she is the 'default' childcare mode so his rights trump hers. She is doing it to earn money whereas he isn't. but even if she wasn't - in an equal relationship she should be able to ask and not get abused for it, shouldn't she?