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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To be a bit hurt by this?

282 replies

RealhousewifeofEngland · 13/02/2017 09:46

It's a milestone birthday for me later this week. My marriage is in difficulty and as a consequence my birthday celebration this weekend didn't take place. I took my kids to my mums on Sunday. She is well aware of the situation. Not one mention was made of my birthday. When I left she gave me a present and said she was going to write out the card from my (fully grown adult) sibling as she hadn't done it. I told her not to bother as it was hardly a card from my sister if my mum had written it out.

So I left without so much as a have a nice birthday. And I feel quite hurt and a bit upset. My mum knows that I will spend the actual day alone with no celebration and no card from my kids (OH won't bother doing anything since we are "fighting"). Each year on my grown up sisters birthday my mum pays to take us out for lunch and does a cake at home. My sister still lives with my mum. We do the same for my mums birthday with my sister and I splitting the bill for lunch.

I didn't expect my mum to take me out ... but I did kind of hope that she might have got in a cake for me. Just a supermarket job nothing fancy. Just so that my birthday would be marked in some way at least. I wont see her now for weeks and I know the present she has got me is nothing special. Not that she should have but just in case I get responses about how she probably got me a wonderful gift or has a surprise for me. Going by past years I will get a text on the morning of my birthday and that's all.

AIBU?

Also my sister has been mentioning my mums milestone birthday later this year and how we should do something "big". I don't feel very inclined right now.

OP posts:
ItWentDownMyHeartHole · 15/02/2017 10:37

Happy Birthday!!!

DorotheaHomeAlone · 15/02/2017 10:40

Happy birthday Real!!CakeCakeFlowersCakeCakeFlowers

LostInMess · 15/02/2017 10:40

Happy Birthday 🎉 , Real.

I hope you find something special to do. I too suffer from the fact that I sort everyone else's birthdays and can then never be bothered to do anything for mine but neither can anyone else! You can either feel upset about it or treat yourself - as someone who has done both, I'd recommend the second option! Try to chase away those negative thoughts and include a day with your little ones and lots and lots of good wishes from what seems to be all of mumsnet!

Have a great day and lots of Cake Flowers Wine

wheresthewine36 · 15/02/2017 10:43

StarStar Happy birthday, Realhousewife!StarStar A bouquet of Flowers, a slice of Cake and a Brew for now. Wine for this evening. xxx

Frigglet · 15/02/2017 10:49

Hey! Happy Birthday RealH,
Happy Birthday Crispy
Happy Birthday ME!!

This is clearly the place to be as there's lots of cake and a warm spirit from lots if lovely mumsnetters!!

My dvd have made me breakfast in bed. And I'm still in bed!! They're pestering me to do something special for the day, but I'd honestly be happy lolling around for the day at home. But there's nowt in the fridge, do we'll do food shopping later. Perhaps I'll grab a bottle of wine and do a DIY disco with the dc with home-made popcorn, home-made cake and mocktails. The children will be delighted with that, so even though it's my day, for me it's always about doing the things that make the kids feel that they've made my day special. Off for a shower!

Hope we all have a great day, however we decide to spend it.

Fishlaar · 15/02/2017 10:56

Happy Birthday! :) Cake

phoebe2016 · 15/02/2017 10:58

Happy Birthday Realhousewife!! Flowers hope you have a good one x

Geekmama · 15/02/2017 11:03

Happy Birthday OP Cake Wine Flowers Gin

Unsureif · 15/02/2017 11:05

Happy birthday!

pluck · 15/02/2017 11:07

Happy Mumsnetty birthday! Get some cake sparklers and make sure your children look forward to YOUR birthday in future!

CoolBananas · 15/02/2017 11:13

Happy Birthday!! CakeFlowersStar

Blueraccoon · 15/02/2017 11:34

🎶Happy Birthday to You! 🎶

MaddieElla · 15/02/2017 12:20

Happy birthday, OP.

I really, really hope your "D" H got his head out of his arse and made an effort for you today. Xx

Isthisusernamefree · 15/02/2017 12:34

Happy Birthday! I hope today turns out better than you expected Cake

Birdsgottaf1y · 15/02/2017 12:34

Happy Birthday! 🎊 🎂🍸🎂 🎊

I'd do a special 'picky tea', with a cake/popcorn/sweets and think about how much better the next one will be when the nonsense he brings is gone.

Eliza9917 · 15/02/2017 12:36

*I think you may be being a bit oversensitive here. It isn't your birthday until Weds. I wouldn't expect my parents to hold an early celebration or give me an early cake just because I was seeing them a few days before my birthday.

There are a lot of steps you seem to have expected your mum to go through:
-It's DD's birthday in a few days (remembered - tick)
-Got gift and card early, gave them to her (tick)
-Normally I don't buy cake or throw a celebration, that's normally DD's partner's job, but since her marriage is in trouble perhaps her partner won't bother this year (this is a huge leap IMO)
-Therefore I should do something despite not seeing her on her actual birthday
-And I should do it early as I won't see her on or shortly afterwards
-Therefore as well as all the usual prep for her visit I should buy orbmake a cake etc etc

It would be lovely if she had done all that but she's not psychic, and I don't think she is remiss in not going that entire thought process in time to stage a celebration this weekend.*

All she had to think was its her daughters bday, daughter is coming round, buy a cake for after dinner, is that really that fucking hard?

And what kind of person buys and gives a present on the actual day of? Any normal person would have the present beforehand and as she knew OP was coming, would have had it ready to give her then.

Its normal manners/courtesy/love for your offspring!!!, not something exceptional.

Eliza9917 · 15/02/2017 12:36

Oh yeah, and happy birthday OP.

MissingPanda · 15/02/2017 12:43

Happy Birthday OP CakeCakeCakeFlowersFlowersFlowers

SorenLorensonsInvisibleFriend · 15/02/2017 12:53

StarStarHAPPY BIRTHDAY!!StarStar

I hope it's a lovely day, and you can show your children how to make it special - they'll get excited about it if you tell them it's your day to be treated like a queen! All the best Cake

Viviene · 15/02/2017 13:18

Happy Birthday!!!
WineCake

IntoTheMystics · 15/02/2017 13:28

Happy birthday Real!! 🎂🎉🎁

I love my birthday and my lovely DP hates his (doesn't like getting older)

At the beginning of our relationship, the effort he put in to mine was equal to what he wanted applied to his. I spent a couple of years fuming and displaying helpful passive aggressive behaviour.

Eventually, I gently gave some tips and warned him that if anything ever happened to me, our DS's would have a decent celebration each year.

I hope it's a happy day for you today and you enjoy the time with your friends at the weekend.

RealhousewifeofEngland · 15/02/2017 13:38

Thank you so much for all of the birthday wishes!!

I did get a small gift that he had bought me from the DC and a card. He gave me a card from him in which he had written 'Hope you manage to have a nice day'. I'm not sure how to take that really. I let my eldest open the gift from my mum and sister as I just really couldn't be bothered with it this morning and wanted to forget it was my birthday at all.

He fannied around pretending that he was going to work, I knew he had booked the day off to take me out for breakfast, and said several times how bad he felt for me. I didn't bite so he then was forced to come and ask if I wanted him to stay off work and take me out. I was very tempted to say no and see what he did as I know he wasn't really going into work. I didn't want to cut my nose off to spite my face so agreed.

Anyway we went to breakfast, he told me how stressed he is, needs a holiday etc. No apology for his behaviour over the past few weeks. Also saw fit to tell me what he was planning to have got me had we not fallen out. But you know coulda, woulda, shoulda! He took the kids to nursery before we went to breakfast and could have grabbed me flowers or something on his way home but didn't.

Anyway, we are spending the afternoon with the kids. I'm alternating between trying to make the most of the day and wanting to burst into tears.

My eldest did salvage something from a party bag they got last weekend to gift me "because I love you mummy", which made me melt.

OP posts:
RealhousewifeofEngland · 15/02/2017 13:42

Happy Birthday Crispy and Friglet xx

OP posts:
marriednotdead · 15/02/2017 14:00

Happy Birthday Real!

(And to others who share such a fab day- it's my DS's birthday today too.)

You're right, talk is cheap. His behaviour is hard work and his actions aren't saying anything you want to hear...
Whatever today holds for you, I hope you can find some peace to enjoy the moments of happiness, however small and fleeting they may be.

It may turn out to be a defining day, the one where you take charge and refuse to allow anyone else to spoil YOUR special day again. After all, you're this age for 365 days- use a little bit of each one to plan what you'll be doing this time next year Smile

Mummyoflittledragon · 15/02/2017 17:20

He needs a bash on the head otherwise he's going to lose you. Perhaps I'm wrong but the way you're portraying him, I don't think he wants to end your marriage. And he needs to stop with the one upmanship. He's clearly hurting for some reason - I assume the argument. And he's made it about him. Well done for rising above it and agreeing to go out.

Bless your ds must love you loads. I remember dd doing similar at that age. 😍