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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be a bit hurt by this?

282 replies

RealhousewifeofEngland · 13/02/2017 09:46

It's a milestone birthday for me later this week. My marriage is in difficulty and as a consequence my birthday celebration this weekend didn't take place. I took my kids to my mums on Sunday. She is well aware of the situation. Not one mention was made of my birthday. When I left she gave me a present and said she was going to write out the card from my (fully grown adult) sibling as she hadn't done it. I told her not to bother as it was hardly a card from my sister if my mum had written it out.

So I left without so much as a have a nice birthday. And I feel quite hurt and a bit upset. My mum knows that I will spend the actual day alone with no celebration and no card from my kids (OH won't bother doing anything since we are "fighting"). Each year on my grown up sisters birthday my mum pays to take us out for lunch and does a cake at home. My sister still lives with my mum. We do the same for my mums birthday with my sister and I splitting the bill for lunch.

I didn't expect my mum to take me out ... but I did kind of hope that she might have got in a cake for me. Just a supermarket job nothing fancy. Just so that my birthday would be marked in some way at least. I wont see her now for weeks and I know the present she has got me is nothing special. Not that she should have but just in case I get responses about how she probably got me a wonderful gift or has a surprise for me. Going by past years I will get a text on the morning of my birthday and that's all.

AIBU?

Also my sister has been mentioning my mums milestone birthday later this year and how we should do something "big". I don't feel very inclined right now.

OP posts:
EweAreHere · 13/02/2017 10:42

Sorry, OP.

I'm sad that your mum and your sister appear to celebrate everyone else's birthdays but not yours. It sounds especially galling as your mum knows you are having a tough time in your marriage right now and your DH cancelled the birthday dinner he was going to take you out to. What a prat.

It might be the wake up call you need, though? Do you want your life to continue to be like this, where you are treated as an afterthought by everyone who is supposed to love you? Where the person who is supposed to have your back the most cancels your celebrations because he's mad at you? Is this the example you want for your children?

Maybe some counselling to figure out what you want...

Original poster
RealhousewifeofEngland · 13/02/2017 10:43

I do have plans next weekend with friends. So my birthday won't be totally unmarked. I just sort of hoped my mum would have pulled together some sort of little celebration for me, mainly because she knows my husband cancelled my dinner out and and that I had spent the preceeding few days in tears over it (and the state of the marriage in general).

OP posts:
Mrsglitterfairy · 13/02/2017 10:43

Yanbu at all. Birthdays are a big thing for me too, definitely not just for kids. I agree with pps, take yourself off to a spa for the day either on your own or with a friend and treat yourself to a nice cake or some chocs. H sounds twatty but once without knowing the full situation, it's hard to judge too much.
Happy birthday for Wednesday and hope you have a lovely day and things start looking up over the coming year FlowersCake

phoebe2016 · 13/02/2017 10:45

YANBU OP, i have recently been in a similar situation. Had a meal booked for my 40th Birthday and 2 days before, i get a call from my Dad to say that he won't be going to the meal now as he is going to the theatre!! He said his DP had booked it ages ago and had forgotten about it! I was extremely upset, if the boot was on the other foot then i would have sacrificed the theatre tickets and gone to his meal, being as he is my Dad! But no. Then to add insult to injury, i had to go to his house to pick my card and money gift up (he couldn't possibly drop it off) and then on my actual birthday i never even got a phone call from him to say happy birthday!! I haven't heard anything from him at all. Its his milestone birthday in a few weeks and he has a party organised. I'm seriously debating about not going! Fed up of people not giving shit! 18 other people managed to attend my meal, just not my own family. It makes me so sad :(

Your DH should still get you a card and present from the DC regardless of your relationship issues, your relationship with the DC's is totally separate and im sure they would love to get you something.

With regards to your DS and DM, they are both being uncaring not to acknowledge your special day with something more than a card! The trouble is, you can't force people to give a shit. They either do or they don't.

Hopefully you have some nice friends that can cheer you up on your birthday? I know that i really appreciated the ones who made an effort for me. Chin up x

Sundance01 · 13/02/2017 10:45

I am sorry you are going through a bad time and I understand this all feels a bit crap but I think you are being a bit harsh on your Mum.

As your Mum did not normally take responsibility for organising your birthday celebrations it may be this has simply crept up on her and she had not thought that she would be expected to do anything more than normal. Yes it would be nice if she had thought about your changed circumstances and done something different....but in reality it may simply not have occurred to her.

It sounds like you were expecting her to pick up the slack - but in all fairness did she know that?? You had an expectation of her to do something new and now are blaming her for not doing it - but did she know you were expecting it? I am assuming she is not a mind reader!

She may also have not wanted to further aggravate your marital issues by 'taking over' something normally done by your partner.

I do not think you are being too unreasonable in feeling hurt - you are probably feeling very vulnerable right now. I'm just pointing out your Mum has done nothing different to normal it is your expectation not hers that has changed.

Playing tit for tat over their birthdays would be childish and do nothing but hurt you in the end

As others have said do something nice for yourself on your birthday and next year let your family know what is in your mind - not assume they will automatically be thinking along the same lines.

UncleHerbie · 13/02/2017 10:47

Fuck em!

Happy birthday for Wednesday 💐💐💐🍾🍾🍾

Original poster
RealhousewifeofEngland · 13/02/2017 10:55

I only thought my mum might have picked up a cake at the supermarket to have after dinner. I didn't expect her to have organised anything big.

This is the first year I have seen her near my birthday.

OP posts:
Rachel0Greep · 13/02/2017 11:01

Do something nice and to heck with them. Don't expect any better from them, it just leads to disappointment.
I buy myself something nice for my birthday, and that's it.

Flowers and Cake for you, and enjoy your birthday.

August1984 · 13/02/2017 11:04

Poor you, i think any empathetic person would have thought "She's going through a tough time, i'll get her a little cake or take her out for lunch" especially as she knows that you OH cancelled your meal, i don't think its particularly unreasonable thing to expect Hmm

Being a rather direct person, i'd just text both of them saying "OH isn't going to do anything for my birthday and its making me feel quite down, are we not meeting for lunch or something?".

If not, i'd ask your OH to watch the kids and arrange a solo spa trip to treat myself or at least there would be my favourite food bought, a bottle or two of champagne (if you're into that) and a pamper night plus a load of treats (clothes, shoes, etc etc).

I had a couple of miserable birthdays after my divorce (my married friends didn't seem to think i'd be lonely and I've only got my dad as family) and learnt i could and should treat myself. Personally i think the worst person in this is your OH. Even at the height of divorce proceedings i still bought my ex gifts and cards from his DC and i'm assuming you're both attempting to save the marriage- his behaviour needs addressing.

Cake Flowers Gin

OverTheGardenGate · 13/02/2017 11:12

My mum knows my marriage is in a bad place. She discussed it with me

I've been in a similar situation with a friend whose marriage was in trouble. To be honest, it felt a bit odd, almost silly to wish her a happy birthday when it very obviously wasn't going to be happy at all.
Maybe it was awkwardness from your Mum?
It would feel a really empty and thoughtless thing to say under the circumstances. Might that be possible?

Deathraystare · 13/02/2017 11:14

Its his milestone birthday in a few weeks and he has a party organised. I'm seriously debating about not going! Fed up of people not giving shit! 18 other people managed to attend my meal, just not my own family. It makes me so sad sad

That is the day YOU go to the theatre!

Real housewife - if you were my daughter I would take you out and say bugger your partner. Not literally of course....You can bury him under the patio.

No one much bothers with my birthday as it is just after Christmas. Seriously thinking of doing her her Magesty and having 2 birthdays!!!

pipsqueak25 · 13/02/2017 11:15

as a family we don't do presents and cards for anything, but it was pretty miserable for you op even so Flowers

BabySnores · 13/02/2017 11:16

Sounds like this is the shit that broke the camels back and there's a history of you being left out or treated differently.

I'd return kindness in kind. I wouldn't go out of my way for their birthdays if even a call to sat happy birthday is too much for them.

Sounds doubly shit with your OH, return the kind for him too.

I'd also organise something with friends or by myself and leave them all to it.

BabySnores · 13/02/2017 11:18

pipsqueak25 we don't do presents anymore either but it sounds like the rest of the family get and expect cake cards and a fuss while not bothering with poor op.

phoebe2016 · 13/02/2017 11:19

Thanks Death! Lol. I think i might just do that!

ChrisYoungFuckingRocks · 13/02/2017 11:20

I know this probably won't help lol, but I literally have nobody apart from my children. My family is on the other side of the world, and I'm happily single. For years now I've been alone on my birthday and Christmas (the kids go to the grandparents on Christmas), and I haven't had a gift in years. Well, I did get a box of chocs from the ex last Christmas (on behalf of the kids), which he knew I wouldn't eat, so he had them.

It honestly doesn't bother me one bit. I'd rather be alone that deal with family dramas anyway. Happy birthday for Wednesday Flowers.

StrangeLookingParasite · 13/02/2017 11:23

don't get the adult birthday thing at all, birthdays are for childen

What a dickish thing to say. Perhaps you think that, but quite a lot of us don't, and amazingly, what you think about it doesn't matter. Ignoring something which matters to your family/partner is selfish and self-centred.
It's not the same, I know, but take yourself out and treat yourself to something you really like. And happy birthday! Mine was last Thursday, also a big one.

EineKleine · 13/02/2017 11:23

I think you may be being a bit oversensitive here. It isn't your birthday until Weds. I wouldn't expect my parents to hold an early celebration or give me an early cake just because I was seeing them a few days before my birthday.

There are a lot of steps you seem to have expected your mum to go through:
-It's DD's birthday in a few days (remembered - tick)
-Got gift and card early, gave them to her (tick)
-Normally I don't buy cake or throw a celebration, that's normally DD's partner's job, but since her marriage is in trouble perhaps her partner won't bother this year (this is a huge leap IMO)
-Therefore I should do something despite not seeing her on her actual birthday
-And I should do it early as I won't see her on or shortly afterwards
-Therefore as well as all the usual prep for her visit I should buy orbmake a cake etc etc

It would be lovely if she had done all that but she's not psychic, and I don't think she is remiss in not going that entire thought process in time to stage a celebration this weekend.

Original poster
RealhousewifeofEngland · 13/02/2017 11:24

I don't think it was awkwardness on her part. In all honesty she is always like this with me - I shouldn't have expected more. But one always has hope!

DH and I aren't attempting to save the marriage. We are at an impasse. He believes it all to be my fault for being "dramatic" over being angry at his repeated bad behaviour. Had I rolled over like a good girl and just let it go my Birthday would have been celebrated. But I wouldn't and I can't. So in his mind it's all of my own doing.

OP posts:
Magzmarsh · 13/02/2017 11:30

I've seen the "birthdays aren't for adults" on here a lot, it really confuses me considering the fuss most people make over their dc birthdays these days. There are going to be a hell of a lot of adults in the future who can't understand why they're suddenly not to expect good wishes or a celebration because they've reached some arbitrary cutoff point where someone on an Internet forum has decided it's no longer appropriate 😕

llangennith · 13/02/2017 11:37

As a single mum with three kids under 8yo and no family support I used to buy my own cake and candles, buy my birthday cards and have the kids 'write' them or just draw kisses.
We all sang happy birthday and I made sure I had a good day!
It takes a long time to stop expecting people to do the right thing when you really know they're going to let you down. Once you come to terms with that it isn't quite so bad.
I've had a lot of much happier birthdays since those early years.Cake

mumontherun14 · 13/02/2017 11:39

I am also one who makes a fuss of adult birthdays and have got pelters for it on here in the past. My mum did it for us and now she is ill I carry on the tradition. OP have you got a good friend you could talk to and maybe arrange to do something nice on the day. Lunch out or dinner and a film. Happy birthday when it comes💐💐💐 xxx

August1984 · 13/02/2017 11:41

Ah Housewife i see, i'd give yourself a big birthday present then and bag him off, honestly i cant recommend it enough. The cliche that sometimes its lonelier to be in a relationship than be on your own is so real.

Really surprised that people think its a huge leap for your mum to have the thought process that you're having a tough time and she might want to make it nicer for you, just seems so obvious to me.

FeralBeryl · 13/02/2017 11:52
Sad It's shit when things are bad around your birthday, things are magnified tenfold. Please treat yourself to an hour with a solicitor for your birthday. Get some proper advice to empower yourself. You do not need any of these people, sure it would be nice to have them supporting you but you can do this alone. It sounds like you are anyway. All the best for Wednesday, take the kids and buy yourself a big Paw Patrol cake Grin
CoolCarrie · 13/02/2017 11:58

Happy Birthday for Wednesday!